Friday, June 3

Hired Goons.

I'm in a bit of a creative rut right now.

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Personally, I blame the weather. Who can focus on anything longer than 4 seconds when you're constantly peeling yourself off of the furniture? I have an anniversary coming up coupled with a week-long trip to Canada, and I can't for the life of me think of anything entertaining to talk about. Perhaps this vacation is just what I needed.

Don't get me wrong, sitting around the house is great. However, I've been feeling mostly worthless lately. Not only because my creativity has taken a backseat to humidity, but because I'm dropping the ball around the homefront as well. Normally, I'll get home and clean the house before the Missus shows up. I pay the bills, balance the checkbook and sometimes even make dinner before she arrives from a job that's much more difficult than mine (she works on the kill floor of a turkey slaughterhouse). I'm happy with the routine, and the Missus is content.

Nowadays, I come home sweaty and ripe. The humidity makes me feel as if I'm walking through broth, and the only thing I want to do is sit down until dinner is ready. The most I do before the Missus arrives is play a little Mario Kart on the GBA, and change from khakis to jeans. Lazy.

I'll get out of this rut, I always do. The problem is that I still feel worthless. What I need is a little motivation.

What I need... is Tony Little.

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If Tony Little can't motivate you, then you're already dead, brother. This guy was a two-time national body building champion who almost lost everything in a horrible automobile accident some time ago. Since then, his Ab Isolator along with his Gazelle (pictured) have changed his life and the lives of millions of others (quoted directly from memory, I watched a lot of late-night infomercials in the 90's). Quite simply, this guy's going to whip you into shape, or at least scream in your ear until you write him a large check. I was on board.

After some light travel and dining arrangements, Tony was on his way to my house. I was worried that he would be disgusted by what I had become, but I knew that I was doing the right thing for myself. This was going to get me back to top form, and maybe I'd get a cool Gazelle out of the deal. I tried one of those at Dick's Sporting Goods a few months ago, and I tore my groin so badly that the assistant manager could hear it all the way over by the pool tables.

I was laying on my couch with a bottle of New Glarus Spotted Cow beer, when Tony Little kicked in my door, leaving splinters and scattering cats in his powerful wake. He wrestled the beer from my tight grip and smashed the bottle over his head, shaking the shards out of his beautifully groomed, curly blonde hair.

Then he kicked my ass.

It felt like an hour. Maybe two. Turns out it was only a few seconds, but I swore I was going to die. The last thing I remember was Tony raising his massive "Mr. America" trophy over his head, and then everything went dark.

When I woke up, I was a new man. Tony was gone, and he even cleaned up the house (it was included in the fee). The only proof that he was even there came in the form of an Ab Isolator, sitting on my kitchen table with a red bow on it. I was stunned, and most importantly, I was a man again.

It's only going to get hotter as the months roll on, but thanks to Tony Little and his beating me to within an inch of my life, I'll function like it's October all year round. What can't that man do?

Read. That's what Tony Little can't do. Tony Little can't read.

Tuesday, May 31

Walk Toward The Light.

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(Best ghost photograph ever.)

Near-Death Experience Mix
Submitted By: LetsEatPaste
Compiled By: The CDP

(I swear these keep getting longer and longer. I put them in quasi-alphabetical order because I'm lazy, and there's 2 disks worth. Keep the ideas coming, though. Send mixtape suggestions to, yo.)

#1 - Against All Authority – “Destroy What Destroys You” – Destroy What Destroys You
#2 - Algebra One – “Crime Wave to Your Heart” – The Keep Tryst E.P.
#3 - Andrew W.K. – “Ready To Die” – I Get Wet
#4 - Ash – “Angel Interceptor” – 1977
#5 - At The Drive In – “Chanbara” – In/Casino/Out
#6 - Bandits of the Acoustic Revolution – “It’s a Wonderful Life” – A Call to Arms
#7 - Beep Beep – “I am the Secretary” – Business Casual
#8 - Ben Folds Five – “Eddie Walker” – Naked Baby Photos
#9 - Bis – “Dead Wrestlers” – Music for a Stranger World
#10 - Cake – “Sheep go to Heaven” – Prolonging the Magic
#11 - Catch 22 – “As the Footsteps Die Out Forever” – Keasbey Nights
#12 - Children of Bodom – “Follow the Reaper” – Follow the Reaper
#13 - Coheed & Cambria – “Blood Red Summer” – In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth 3
#14 - Communique – “Ouija Me” – Poison Arrows
#15 - Death From Above 1979 – “Romantic Rights” – You’re a Woman, I’m a Machine
#16 - Five O’clock Charlie – “Suicide Is Painless” – Not Enough Time
#17 - Further Seems Forever – “The Moon Is Down” – The Moon Is Down
#18 - Goldfinger – “Open Your Eyes” – Open Your Eyes
#19 - Hot Stove Jimmy – “Put Some Water on it” – Theme for a Major Hit
#20 - IfIHadAHiFi – “The All Tied Up” – Ones and Zeros

#1 - Jawbreaker – “Accident Prone” – Dear You
#2 - Liars – “Grown Men Don’t Fall in the River Just Like That” – Fins to Make Us More Fish-Like
#3 - Liberator – “Kick De’ Bucket” – Worldwide Delivery
#4 - Muse – “Time is Running Out” – Absolution
#5 - Nerf Herder – “5000 Ways to Die” – How to Meet Girls
#6 - NOFX – “We Threw Gasoline on the Fire & Now We Have Stumps for Arms & No Eyebrows” – Punk-O-Rama 3
#7 - Q and not U – “Hooray for Humans” – No Kill No Beep Beep
#8 - Rage Against the Machine – “Killing in the Name of” – Rage Against the Machine
#9 - Saves the Day – “As Your Ghost Takes Flight” – Stay What You Are
#10 - Streetlight Manifesto – “A Better Place, A Better Time” – Everything Goes Numb
#11 - Strung Out – “The Exhumation of Virginia Madison” – Twisted By Design
#12 - The Aeffect – “Burning in the Bed on Fire” – Secrets & Lies
#13 - The Decemberists – “We both go Down Together” – Picaresque
#14 - The Faint – “Birth” – Wet from Birth
#15 - The Impossibles – “Disintegration is the Best Album Ever” – Brick Bomb
#16 - The Misfits – “Last Caress” – Collection II
#17 - The Pixies – “Wave of Mutilation” – Death to the Pixies
#18 - The Shins – “So Says I” – Chutes Too Narrow
#19 - The Smiths – “Girlfriend in a Coma” – Strangeways, Here we Come
#20 - They Might Be Giants – “Older” – Dial A Song: 20 Years of They Might Be Giants

Enjoy your shortened work week. I have nothing to do at work, nothing to do at home, and nothing to do this weekend. I will use this time to play hundreds of rounds of PGA Tour Golf on my dusty Sega Genesis. You can find another of my album reviews in last week's Core Weekly, and probably a brand-spanking new one in the newest issue this Thursday. In the meantime, I'll be previewing the CD I just picked up this evening for a future review. Hey Core Weekly, where's my check? I'm working my ass off, here!

Well, it's 9pm. I think I'll eat some Ben & Jerry's and go to bed. My Conservative Christian relatives were right, I really am living in sin down here in Madison.