Friday, August 19

"The Sky Just Exploded."

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We had one fatality here in Dane County, but everyone else is safe and sound. I wish I could say the same about all of their possessions. Check Yahoo! News for more information, and check below for what I had to say yesterday.

Thursday, August 18

Dirt Nap.

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(Here are six notable items. I've stockpiled them with links, just for your clicking pleasure.)

1. On Saturday, me and the Missus will be heading back home to Winneconne to participate in Ben & Sherry's second exchange of marriage vows. My tux is looking fly and I'm building up my Raspberry Wine Cooler tolerance in advance. Always the film student, Ben plans on filming the wedding from three different angles in his parents' backyard. I will have plenty of pictures to share. (If you click on the wedding link, you'll be sent back in time exactly one year, and you can check out my crummy old apartment, complete with crummy old furniture. Swell.)

2. After the wedding, the four of us will return back to Sun Prairie for the tradition that is the annual Sweet Corn Festival. Ben & Sherry veto'ed a trip to Wyoming for this occasion, so I hope it doesn't rain. There was supposed to be a parade on Main Street today to celebrate the kickoff, but there was a tornado warning. Personally, I enjoyed the tornado much more. Again, pictures will be taken, and gums will bleed. My Grandma pronounces "gums" as "gooms". It's pretty cool.

3. On the freelance writing front, I have three jobs in the works. First off, I'm still working out details for the big Of Montreal interview. They play in Madison on September 5, for those 'oot of the loop. Secondly, I'm in the process of reviewing Menos El Oso, the new album by the almighty MINUS THE BEAR. And thirdish, I've been in contact with another Madison newspaper interested in my work. More updates as news develops. By the way, Core Weekly has updated and redesigned their page. It's more professional now, but they still haven't published my crap, so you can always find it here.

4. I interviewed for a higher position at work on Wednesday. If I get the jorb, I could be making about $3.50 more per hour (that's an additonal $7,280 a year, for those keeping track). I smell a new used car! My new jorb will allow me to focus more on white-collar office life, as opposed to a life of being happily married and writing for a living.

5. Remember our trip to Mount Horeb together? Remember the Mustard Museum? The antique shoppe with the Nazi helmets? Well, 200 residents of Mount Horeb will be the stars of a new reality game show on ABC, called "My Kind of Town". Normally I wouldn't recommend something like this, but Mount Horeb is cool, small town Wisconsin is cool, and anything 15 minutes from my house is worth being on national television. THE SHOW AIRS THIS SUNDAY AT 8PM CENTRAL TIME!

6. A little over a year ago, I wrote a screenplay called "72 Hours". I can't believe you haven't read it yet! Anyways, I put the screenplay on Helium Exchange a long time ago, and watched it as it slid down the rankings faster than your grandpa's dress pants at a wedding reception. I checked in on it last week to see it sitting comfortably at #72, fittingly enough. By the way, Benjamin's script, Please Try Again, continues to hold onto the #21 spot, even after a year on the charts. Good for us, considering that there are over 600 scripts on that page.

So, there you have it. The tornado is getting closer to my house right now, so I'm done.

Fo' shizzle, Ike-a-zizzle.

Sunday, August 14

Football Fantasy.

I love football.

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(I got a haircut in preparation of Ben & Sherry's wedding next week. Don't say that I never did anything for you.)

I'm sorry, but I do. As a Wisconsinite, it's in my bloodstream. I love this time of year, how the promise of a new football season will usher us into autumn, into the playoffs and eventually to the Superbowl at the beginning of the new year. Each new NFL season is like a rebirth for me, and even the pre-season makes me happy.

Speaking of which, did you see the Packers take out the Chargers last week? Ryan Longwell hit a 54-yard field goal in the pouring rain! You can't see me right now, but I'm twirling my jersey over my head, and there's a giant "P" painted on my ultra-white chest.

I'm a redneck, I suppose. Well, screw you.

I've greatly decreased my volume of sports intake since the Missus came along. We've worked out somewhat of a compromise, although I usually like to see how much sports I can view before she can't take it anymore. I'm doing my best to be a cooperative husband, but every now and then, the pigskin will beckon.

I know how my wife operates, though. If I can find a way to entertain her while I'm watching these games, she will be content to sit with me and enjoy herself. For example, last March during the NCAA basketball tournament, she found out that I had entered an office pool. Now that money was riding on the games, she cheered and swore right along with me.

I've never loved her more. It was the best Smarch ever.

Now that football season is up and starting again, I'm posed that same question over again. How can I make this fun for her? Well, the answer showed up last year in a nationally televised game between the Packers and the Texans.

His name was David Carr.

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Carr was (and still is) the QB for the Texans, and the ladies seem to love him. I instantly realized that if I kept her up to date on all the good-looking football players out there, she would be more apt to watch the games with me. Sure, this means that she's watching the games for all the wrong (and downright perverse) reasons, but any reason is fine with me.

Last Thursday during the Packers/Chargers game, I gave her an assignment. I wanted her to compose her own Fantasy Football unit, as sort of a project to keep her eyes glued to the TV and to keep track of who plays for what team (because that's what's really important in the world right now).

Here then, is the Missus' Fantasy Football team. She named them the Gamecocks.

MASCOT - The USC Gamecock.

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This goes without saying. She saw it during a commercial on ESPN, and it was a perfect fit.

COACH - Nick Saban.

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For some reason, she likes the new Miami Dolphins coach because of his "rugged good looks". Personally, I think he looks like the alcoholic uncle that always insists on singing karaoke at wedding receptions. Nonetheless, now the Gamecocks have a leader.


David Carr - QB for the Houston Texans

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A.J. Feeley - QB for the Miami Dolphins

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Drew Brees - QB for the San Diego Chargers

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Eli Manning - QB for the New York Giants

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Aaron Rodgers - Backup QB for the Green Bay Packers

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I don't know what the Missus sees in these guys, but whatever. I'm more concerned about her stacking her team with so many Quarterbacks. I don't know if that's legal under Fantasy Football rules, but it's certainly not going to win her too many games.

KICKER - Brett Conway

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There's several things wrong with her kicker selection. First off, Brett Conway was responsible for at least three Green Bay Packer losses in 1997. He was instantly cut after injuring his leg, and the unstoppable Ryan Longwell came in and has saved the day since then. It goes without saying that Brett Conway was a huge disappointment in the NFL.

Secondly, Mr. Conway hasn't played an NFL game in years. I think that he's waiting tables somewhere in Ontario right now, waiting for his big break in the CFL. All the Missus remembers is that he was good looking and sad. These are all the traits that she requires for acceptance to the Gamecocks.

PUNTER - B.J. Sander.

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All I know about this guy is that he's the Green Bay Packer's new punter, and he had an 8-yard punt last week. Good luck with the rest of the season, B.J.

TACKLE - Tootie Robbins

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This is not a picture of Tootie Robbins, because he played for such a short period of time in the NFL, his photograph doesn't exist online. The Missus only remembers Tootie because of this exchange of words between John Madden and Pat Summerall during a 1992 Packer game:

Madden: "Tootie Robbins has the biggest rectum in the NFL!"
Summerall: "Um, I don't think that's what you meant to say, John."

She found this hilarious, and 13 years later, it got him a spot on the Gamecocks.


That Guy On The Sidelines With The Vest On.

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(Pictured in the far left background.)

The Missus loves this guy!

Joe Theisman.

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Theisman is funny because he says any and every dumbass thing that comes to his head, usually on live television. I especially like him because he suffered a compound fracture on live television.

So, there you have it. Did this post make any sense? Maybe not. However, if it means that the Missus will enjoy another football game by my side, it will be all worth it. It's the least I can do.

Kill Hank Williams Junior.