Thursday, September 1

Increase Speed, Drop Down, Reverse Direction.

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Screw internet phenomenon, I want to be a castaway. Too subtle?

My new articles will be up in the writings section before you know it. You're going to love them.

The three-day weekend is upon us, use it wisely. I'll return with many a story, including full reviews of the Architects and Of Montreal shows in the next couple days.

Season 2 starts on September 21. I'm throwing a party at my house in honor of the occasion, and you're not invited. In fact, it's so exclusive, I'm not even invited. I bet it's going to rule, though.

Tuesday, August 30

Bring It On, Mr. Little.

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I want to be an Internet Phenomenon.

I love the concept of the Internet Phenomenon, simply adore it. You know, something that should normally disappear and fizzle into the cloudy depths of history, only to be revived and consequently spearhead a cult following online?

It's why I still like Mr. T and Tony Little. It taught me the definition of "stealth disco". It allows me to purchase things that I remember from when I was a kid, like Pac-Man memorabilia and E.T. cartridges for my Atari 2600. It also allows me to wallow in some of the tiniest, most bizarre minutiae you could ever think of.

Thanks to the Internet Phenomena proving ground that is Wikipedia, I've been able to brush up on these things all at once. I'd like to share one of these with you, with hopefully many more to follow.

You see, I used to be a big wrestling fan when I was a kid, and I was looking around for some of my favorite wrestlers from the 80's and early 90's. It was then that I stumbled across one of the funniest things that I forgot existed.

If you've never heard the story of "The Shockmaster Incident", you'll laugh. If you remember when it happened, you'll laugh harder. Enjoy with me.

The Shockmaster Incident.

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The Shockmaster incident was one of the most infamous moments in professional wrestling. In the early 90s, the Atlanta-based WCW had signed Fred Ottman (later becoming Tugboat, as well as Typhoon) from the WWF, and he was to make his debut in a match alongside three very popular WCW stars: Sting, Dustin Rhodes, and the late Davey Boy Smith. He would be their mystery partner in the upcoming eight-man tag match against Sid Vicious, Big Van Vader, and Harlem Heat.

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(Here we see the triumphant debut of the Shockmaster.)

When Sting and Smith were about to unveil their mystery partner, they did so during a live interview in front of the WCW audience together with Sid and Harlem Heat. Sting would then make his famous quote, "All I have to say is... our partner is going to shock the world because he is none other than... The Shockmaster!" The camera zoomed in on a particular section of the set where two torches set off a small pyrotechnics explosion in front of a paper wall. And The Shockmaster was supposed to make his grand entrance by crashing through that wall in his new attire, consisting of a purple helmet very much like the ones worn by the Stormtroopers in Star Wars, a pair of jeans and a long black vest.

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(Here we see the Shockmaster falling right through the Goddamn wall.)

Unfortunately for Ottman, he tripped and fell through the paper wall, with the camera getting a close up of this accident. When he hit the floor, his helmet rolled off long enough for audiences to see who it was before he managed to put it back on. Even the announcers were speechless. But, as is the rule in wrestling, the show must go on. The Shockmaster resumed his entrance as if nothing had happened, and he continued walking up to Sid and Harlem Heat.

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(Here, we see the Shockmaster scrambling to find his helmet, shaking off the crippling pain and embarrassment of falling directly onto your face.)

The interview ended with Shockmaster verbally threatening the four opponents, who at this point were clearly trying to stop themselves from laughing. He wrestled one match, and never reappeared again.

So, there you go. The Shockmaster Incident. I could do stories like this for months about wrestling alone, but that would only please myself. You really have no idea how hard I've been laughing for the last 20 minutes.

The Of Montreal interview & Minus the Bear review will be here on Thursday. Dress purty.

Sunday, August 28

We Will Become Silhouettes.

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Here's 5 quick things to tide you over.

1. The Missus is feeling better, slowly but surely. I took her to the zoo today, so it was nice to get her out of the house and whatnot.

2. The Of Montreal interview and Minus the Bear review have been submitted, and should hit the newsstands on Thursday. Core Weekly celebrated their 1-year Anniversary last week, so a congratulation is in order. To that guy who came on here so long ago and said it would fold in six months, well, I guess he was a little off. No hard feelings, dude. After pulling my hair out on those writings for the last three weeks, I plan on taking a much-needed few days off from hard-hitting journalism. Kevin Barnes' favorite football team is the Cleveland Browns.

3. Starting Wednesday, LOST will be airing back-to-back episodes in preparation of the long-awaited season 2 premiere. Not only that, but the season 1 DVD comes out on the 6th.

4. Here are 5 concerts I hope to be attending in the next month:

Saturday, September 3 - Architects - Journeys - Madison
Tuesday, September 6 - Of Montreal - Club 770 - Madison
Wednesday, September 7 - The Faint - The Rave - Milwaukee
Sunday, September 25 - Clap Your Hands Say Yeah! - The Annex - Madison
Thursday, September 29 - THE ARCADE FIRE - First Avenue - Minneapolis

(If you want any additional information about these shows, e-mail me at, or just look them up for your damn self.)

5. I spent this Saturday at a co-workers house, being trained in the art of home brewing. This consisted of several hours of manipulating grains, barley and hops, and drinking more beer in a single day that I ever have in my life. It was a really cool learning experience, and something I will never attempt on my own. I appreciate beer a lot more now that I know how it's made, but I still prefer chocolate milk and girly drinks.

During one of the drinking sessions, he handed me a glass and told me to drink. I drank, and he told me to tell him what it tasted like. Just then, his wife came into the house and said, "are you making him drink that infected beer?" The good news is that I can still see, and even the infected beer wasn't all that bad. I'll never trust anyone again. I'll talk more about home brewing in detail later, depending on if anyone is interested in hearing more.

We'll talk again this week, I promise. Until then, meet me in the comments area. Let's catch up like we used to. Like a family.