Friday, December 9

Lost Friday - "Rerun Edition Strikes Back."

Another Lost Friday is upon us. We have nothing to discuss.

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Settle in and get comfy, nerdlingers, because Lost is going on a five week vacation. Where most of us with normal jobs can look forward to 8 or 10 days away from the office a year, usually spent eating dinner in your boxers and watching Happy Gilmore for the thousandth time, Lost gets to sleep in a plush bed and unplug the phone until January 11.

I'm not bitter. Nope. Good for them. They deserve it, in fact.

I just have one question.


Answer me, damn it! You tell me what I'm going to do to pass the time for a month and a week!

Knit? Play Trivial Pursuit with my friends? Watch the Packers lose EVERY SINGLE GAME for the REST OF THE SEASON? I've got nothing! Nobody! Absolutely-

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Well, Christmas is right around the corner, so that's pretty nice. I bet the networks will air A Christmas Story and It's A Wonderful Life a few times. Egg Nog is back in season, so that always perks up my day a skitch. Come to think of it, I'm glad that Lost is in rerun mode for the rest of the year. Screw you, Lost! I don't need you anymore!

You can keep your hatch and Mama Cass records! You can keep your Dharma Initiative and Alvar Hanso! You can take your sparking dialogue, character development, social commentary and intriguing flashbacks and CRAM 'EM STRAIGHT UP YOUR CHUTE! This guy's taking his life back, and he doesn't need you anymore!

At least until January 11. Then I'll be 3 inches from the TV screen with an unblinking pair of eyes.

If you don't already know, the word on the street is that Episode 10 will be titled "Psalm 23," and it will center around Mr. Eko. Certain flashbacks will take place on the island before the Flight 815 crash, but still no word about if Eko was on the island before the incident (aka, he wasn't on Flight 815).

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The trailer for the next episode shows him smashing open Charlie's Mary statue with his boom stick, hinting more heavily that he has something to do with the Nigerian drug plane. Also, the title of the episode, along with the outfits of the drug plane pilots and Eko's knowledge and faith in religion, lead to the idea that he is indeed a man of the cloth. He's such an amazing character, here's hoping that his flashback recognizes the potential.

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Moving on, we need to talk about Ana Lucia and Libby. With a cast as large as the one boasted by Lost, actors and actresses alike have to jockey for face time, lines and attention even more so than usual. Bringing in actors to play the tail-section survivors put them in a difficult situation, adding them to an already large and established cast. Will they be well-received by the public? Will they be on the show every week? What can they do to make sure they are accepted and welcomed into the masses?

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Well, getting arrested for DUI doesn't really help, but it gets your face on the CDP, so that's always good. Here's to you, Ana & Libby! Think before you drink, especially in Hawaii. I heard that it's a small island, so it's pretty hard to evade police when you're tipsy. Also, it's best to not cry for an hour before getting your mugshot taken; makes you look like you're a criminal.

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ABC should really consider auctioning off some Lost props on Ebay or something. Lonely people with lots of time on their hands and an expendable income (like myself) would pay top dollar for a jar of Dharma-issued peanut butter or a Swan-logo jumpsuit. My Mystery Science Theater 3000 and video game memorabilia alone is enough to clutter the second floor of the CDP headquarters, and they're always looking for more friends to gobble up space.

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I've never owned or worn a shirt that advertises a television show before, because I always thought it was sad or depressing. I never had a problem with band shirts, or even movie shirts for that matter, so why was I so hung up on TV shirts? Whenever I saw someone walking around with a promotional Evening Shade shirt on, I would always think to myself, "There's a guy (it's always a guy) who's out of clean shirts."

Now that we've passed the tacky 90's and into the retro 00's, pop-culture vintage is back in a huge way. People like me are finally getting the recognition they deserve for a lifelong commitment to inanimate objects that could never love me nearly as much as I love them. It feels good to know that I'm partly responsible for a fashion overhaul. Shirts that advertise classic TV are considered modern and funny in an ironic way, and I'm getting myself a Lost t-shirt.

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This is the one I saw on Ebay that tickled my fancy. It comes in a small, it's not too gaudy or depressing, and the price is right ($400, no reserve). The people who understand the shirt will appreciate it, and those who don't will just think it's a German metal band that they've never heard of before. I don't see how I could possibly lose here, yet I feel like a loser.

Lost Friday will return next week with more insight into Episode 10. In the meantime, check out all of my previous Lost Friday write-ups. They are high in fiber, low in carbs and taste like marshmallows.


Wednesday, December 7

The Not Top 10.

In about a week or two, I will reveal my list of the best albums of 2005.

I can tell that you're tingling with anticipation.

Before I get to that, however, I have some house cleaning to do. You see, I bought a lot of albums in 2005 that were released in 2004, making them void from this year's (and last year's) countdown. A lot of them were quite good, so I thought they deserved their own little slice of recognition.

Here then, is my list of the top 10 albums of 2004 that I bought in 2005. I apologize for missing the boat on these right away. I will buck up on my hipster cred, and this lapse in judgement will not be repeated in 2006. You have my word.

Image hosted by 10. The Futureheads - The Futureheads

The Futureheads released an unlikely hit record with their self-titled American debut. Clash-style post-punk mixed with pop sensibility made for a nice, honest throwback from the new-new wave movement of 2004. Singles like "First Day" and "Decent Days & Nights" were just as catchy as anything Modest Mouse or Franz Ferdinand released in the same year.

Image hosted by 9. Moving Units - Dangerous Dreams

The New York dance-rock outfit didn't break into the mainstream with Dangerous Dreams, but they caught the eye of a lot of critics and fans of the genre. Sexy but not sleazy, naughty without being flithy, Moving Units took the new wave stutter and shake of the 80's and mixed it with Q and Not U-style quitar work and pulsing drums. Sounds good to me.

Image hosted by 8. VCR - VCR

The closest thing America has to Polysics, VCR's latest EP was a spastic, synth and screech-driven, pop-crapsterpiece. Replacing guitars with three keyboards, VCR proved that synth bands could still throw your ass into the pit. Sometimes annoying and over-the-top, other times even more annoying and over-the-top, VCR is going to be a force to be reckoned with once their full-length finally comes out.

Image hosted by 7. Cake - Pressure Chief

Cake is like a Jeep. Reliable and consistent, you can always depend on something good coming from Sacremento's finest quintet. Pressure Chief is Cake's worst album, but that still places it high atop most other band's entire catalogs. Mixing folk, hip-hop, amazing bass work and a well-placed trumpet blast here and there, Cake sounds like nobody else while maintaining a signature sound that's suited them well for over a decade.

Image hosted by 6. Death From Above 1979 - You're A Woman, I'm A Machine

This album is loud. I mean that literally; it's very loud. Considering that DFA1979 consists only of a drummer and bassist, it's surprising to hear such a wall of crunching sounds on You're A Woman, I'm A Machine. Sex-rock-dance-metal with a moustache. I've said enough, and yet I've said so much. The icing on the cake? They're from Canada.

Image hosted by 5. Minus The Bear - They Make Beer Commercials Like This

Minus The Bear is growing up, and this was the link between the old and the new. Beer Commercials has the goofy song titles and phenomonal quitar work of Highly Refined Pirates, but introduces us to the more synth and beat-driven sound they explored in Menos El Oso. Lush lyrics and atmospheric production gives us a look at a band that still has plenty to create, goofy or not. Booyah Achieved.

Image hosted by 4. The Good Life - Album Of The Year

I had a dream that Tim Kasher (the mastermind behind The Good Life, along with Cursive) and Conor Oberst got into a fistfight in the Saddle Creek offices. Tim was drunk (as usual) and jealous that Conor (also drunk) gets more attention with Bright Eyes, even though he's clearly lacking the songwriting talent and intelligence of Kasher. Album Of The Year drives this point home perfectly, as he accomplishes what Oberst can't do: a solid, emotional album from start to finish.

Image hosted by 3. The Features - Exhibit A

The album picture is extra-big because it extra-rules. Emerging from the deepest mountains of the south, the Features crank the amps to 11 and blast out the catchiest and feel-goodiest album of 2004. Southern rock-meets-Pirate rock-meets brilliant-as-hell power pop-meets my still heart. You'll love it.

Image hosted by 2. Q And Not U - Power

We now know that Power will be the final album for Q and Not U, choosing to disband in November of 2005. What I liked best about them was their ability to follow their own direction, and break free from the standard Dischord fare that the DC scene is known for. Power is the sound of a band again challenging themselves and pushing the envelope of their talent. Each Q and Not U album is great for different reasons, and Power is great because it was so unexpected.

Image hosted by 1. Arcade Fire - Funeral

Funeral was released in September of 2004, but was more widely released at the very beginning of 2005. I snagged my copy the first week of January, and since then it has been the standard by which I measure what I'm listening to. I've listened to over 100 albums since that first week of January, and nothing has even come close to matching the emotion, intensity, depth and character of Funeral.

Rag on me all you want, but start by ragging on the dozens of critics, hundreds of respected musicians and thousands of obsessed fans that treasure this album with cult-like appeal. Check your favorite indie web page or magazine. Ask your favorite music critic. Most everyone knows and has agreed that Funeral is, was and always will be the best album of 2004/2005, so understand and accept it, yo. Don't hate the playa', hate da' game; and don't hate Arcade Fire because they're beautiful. I could go on for 10 more pages, but I'll save it because I'm no longer in the mind-changing business.

There you have it. In case you're keeping track, here's what the CDP has voted Album of the Year for the past few trips around the sun:

The Weakerthans - Reconstruction Site

#2 - Communique - Poison Arrows
#1 - Arcade Fire - Funeral


The 2005 list is on the way. Stay tuned, and start the flamewar in the comments section, ya' turds.

Sunday, December 4

Bold & Brassy, Texas-Style!

The CDP's Best Comments Of 2005.

After weeks of digging, indexing, clicking and sorting, I have assembled a ton of the best comments of the year. Here they are once again, to be enjoyed and praised. They are organized by topic.

Enjoy; there's a lot of funny stuff in here.

...On School:

SHERRY: Stupid, stupid, stupid school! I hate it so much!

PASTE: I got all A's in Stupid School.

CDP: And there I was, attending Regular School like a sucker.

...On Cereal Mascots:

HATHERY: I always thought that the Golden Crisp bear was kind of hot...he had a really lazy, sexy voice. MUCH better than the Sugar Smacks frog; I'd step on that if I saw it!

CDP: Pirates make great mascots, which is ironic because they make awful people.

In the summer, the Golden Crisp would melt together to make one giant cereal-ball. You had no choice but to eat the entire box at once.

I don't think that the Golden Crisp bear wore pants, but you may want to check for yourself.

HATHERY: Just the way I likes 'em!

CDP: Which do you like, cereal balls or bears with no pants? I seem to recall that you hate those pants-less bears on the Charmin commercials.

...On Poking Corpses With Sticks:

BENJAMIN: They are pulling the body of a 40-year-old man out of the Fox River just on the other side of the bridge by our apartment. I drove by on my way home from K-Mart and the area was taped off and a Cop was putting blue gloves on. I tried to get a look of the body from the other side of the river but didn't see anything. Hopefully they leave the body there so I can go poke it with a stick tonight.

CDP: If there's one thing that I've learned, it's not to go poking corpses with sticks. If you get so much as a fiber of DNA on it, you're in a whole heap-o-trouble.

BENJAMIN: For some reason, Green Bay's finest wouldn't let me touch it.

CDP: Fascists.

...On Finishing A 5-Mile Run:

MOM: I never thought that I would be wating in Camp Randall Stadium for you to finish a five mile run, but you have always kept me guessing. I was and am so proud of you.

CDP: I never thought I'd be doing something like that either, but I guess I try to stay open-minded about some things. Trust me, I hurt this morning, and I'd kick myself in the face if I could lift my leg.

...On Abercrombie & Fitch:

CDP: I've never been in an Abercrombie, but I threw an Orange Julius at their window once. Take THAT, scantily clad football player!

PASTE: What a coincidence, I once threw a pretentious 19yr old girl at the window of an Orange Julius.

CDP: Heh-heh. Throwing things at other things. It's a victimless hobby.

PASTE: Like punching someone in the dark.

...On The "Sleeve System":

PASTE: I don't understand how you can gauge how many Oreo's you've eaten with them just dumped in a tupperware container like that. I need the sleeve system.

CDP: Let me set the record straight. Usually I clean the house while "Love Connection" is on, because sometimes it makes me uncomfortable. Other times I'm quite content with eating 15 Oreos at 11 in the morning.

I also agree with the "sleeve system", but more importantly, you've helped me settle a bet that's been going on for quite some time. My wife insists that the term "sleeve" was something that I had made up, and she refuses to accept it as a cookie-related term. Truth is, everyone says "sleeve" but her.

PASTE: Hmm... new invention idea... sleeved Tupperware. 15% fewer crushed cookies when compared to sleeveless.

HATHERY: Sleeve...that's retarded. I believe the proper term is "thing", as in "How many things of crackers are there left in that box?"

CDP: "Sleeve" is the universal name for the usually tubular-shaped, vaccuum-sealed packages that food (usually snack items) comes in. The decision was made long before me, I'm just following orders.

...On Morrissey vs. Robert Smith:

HATHERY: I think that a fight between Morrisey and Robert Smith would never be possible because they would both be sobbing before either could even land a punch.

CDP: You're probably right. They'd just hug a lot and talk about loose-fitting silk shirts.

...On The Death Of My Fighting Fish:

FIDGET: 4 years? WOW that is a LONG time in fighting fish years. I had one named Fred and you could turn on music and fred would dance and jump in his bowl. One day i came home and Fred had jumped OUT of the bowl.

CDP: Here's a Haiku for "Dancin' Fred".

"Fred sure liked to dance.
But one day, he danced himself
Right out of the bowl."

I don't know if I'll get another one. It's weird not having to feed him in the morning, as it was the first thing I did every day for years (besides sobbing at the foot of my bed for several minutes).

...On "Star Wars: Episode III":

CDP: Sherry, how was episode III? I don't really care, I'm just being polite.

...On The Bible Prequel:

CDP: Can the Bible have a prequel? I suppose not, since the beginning of the Bible was...well, the beginning. It would be a very boring read.

PASTE: Hmm... Bible prequel. I bet it'd be a short brochure titled "So You've Decided to Create a Universe."

...On My CD Collection:

CDP: If someone jacked MY CD collection, I seriously wouldn't know what to do. Actually, we have Renter's Insurance, so I'd be able to buy most of them back (considering they were taken from my apartment), but I'd still feel like I lost about 1400 friends.

More like 100 really good friends, 300 acquaintances, and 1000 people that just embarrass me now.

...On Starting A Sex-Rock Outfit:

CDP: When me and Aaron start a 2-piece, sexy, ass-shaking dance-metal outfit, we'll rock so hard that your fillings will come loose and try to ask us out on dates.

RJ: If it's a 2 piece and you're not doing drums, then how does that work... unless the drum machine is doing all the work... But then it will become self aware and attempt to kill you. Violently. And Aaron should totally grow a porn star moustache.

(put a moustache on the drum machine, too.)

CDP: I've got lyrics covered. Check out this phat rhyme:

"I'm here to make you quiver,
So let your love unfold,
I can't talk to you at school,
Because I'm 29 years old."

AARON: Ryan, if you're writing lyrics like that, we NEED to be in a sleazy dance-metal band.

...On Humor:

CDP: Dissing Dr. Katz is blasphemy. That was one of the first shows that I can remember which used uncomfortable silence as a punchline.

HATHERY: I didn't think Dr. Katz was very funny...but probably because I couldn't hear anything, as I was too busy rolling on the floor and frothing from the mouth due to the animation. Same goes for Home Movies...I tend not to like things that make my pupils dilate at different speeds.

CDP: My wife has a brilliant sense of humor, although it's a bit hard to follow.Only the very miniscule and very over-the-top make her chuckle, with nothing in between. Prime example: she thinks that small, round things are funny (roma tomatoes), but she also thinks monkeys and poop are hilarious.It's really something special.

HATHERY: Only time I've ever found monkeys and poop funny together is that clip on Celebrity AFV where that monkey puts his finger in his butt, smells it, and falls off the log he's on. That was only funny because Coolio thought it was the funniest thing ever. So I guess that it wasn't the monkey that was funny, but Coolio thinking that a monkey sticking it's finger up its can is funny.

PASTE: Subtle humor is the tops for sure, but I'm still a sucker for seeing someone get racked.

CDP: I can appreciate and enjoy high-brow humor, but when I want Ben & Jerry's to come out of my nose, give me a sledding accident any day of the week.

...On Being Allergic To Cats:

PASTE: Hmm. I'm allergic to cats. But, most of the cats I've been around think the Blue Collar Comedy Tour is hilarious... So maybe it was the sense of humor that bothered me, and not the dander.

CDP: You're allergic to the senses of humor of Arkansas felines. That's funny.

Our cats love Animal Cops. It makes sense, because I love regular "Cops".

...On Horses:

RJ: So I got home from work about a half hour ago, and heard something running around my garage. Then I heard a horse. Fairly sure this horse had a headless rider seeking my soul, I hurried into the house. Turns out, it was 4 bloodthirsty horses, theoretically seeking revenge on humankind for imprisoning them. Either way, it woke up the puppy.

HATHERY: One trick to make those horses go away is to tell them stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe. So, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. 'Give me five bees for a quarter', you'd say. Now, where were we? Oh, yeah...the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war; the only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...

PASTE: Ha ha ha... you win the Simpsons quoting contest.

HATHERY: I cheated though and got it off a webpage because I didn't know it word for word....

PASTE: The important thing is that you remembered that scene. Excellent application.

...On Preparing For Canada:

HATHERY: I was thinking we should try to bring along at least one nice outfit to wear because that one Italian restaurant we were going to go to is pretty upscale. We don't want to look like a bunch of yankee doodle dandies going into the place.

CDP: All of my outfits are nice outfits. Even my tank-tops have collars.

Was that funny, or just stupid?

SHERRY: We are planning on bringing at least one outfit for the nice restaurant. I haven't even started packing yet; but, I do have a list! I have to pack Ben's stuff too because he worked a double today and has to work at Kmart tomorrow! What a butthole!

CDP: My list rocks. It has things on it that I don't even own.

Do they have EZ-Cheeze in Canada? Better bring some with.

AARON: You kids have fun now. I'll be sure to drunk-dial each of you at least 10 times.

CDP: We won't be using our cell phones in Canada, so we might not get 'em.

However, you could "drunk-postcard" us if you're feeling industrious.

...On The "Introverts Club":

CDP: The beach flat-out sucked. Broken glass everywhere, drunks staggering around in the afternoon, clowns picking up dog poop. I was suspicious every time someone was walking towards me, and I eventually told the kids that I had to get outta there.

HATHERY: I think you said "I have to get out of here" pretty much every place we went.

CDP: You knew that I hated groups of more than 4 people when you met me.

PASTE: I thought I was the only one who did that. Time to start an introverts' club, which shall never convene.

CDP: Yeah. "Sorry, I can't make the meeting again. I have, clean the fridge."

"That's okay, I'm not going either."

"Don't touch me!"

...On Leadership:

CDP: I'm a great leader, when I'm up to it. Catch me on a different day, and I don't want to talk to anyone.

Like today, for example. My supervisor asked me if I could edit some stuff for her. I punched her in the neck and lit the computer on fire. Any other day of the week, and I probably would have lacked the leadership skills that got me out of that situation.

...One-Liner Clearing House! (Part 1):

PASTE: Doc Martens are the best kind of shoes to kill people in.

CDP: I won't stop complaining about money until I have a solid gold house and a rocket car.

CDP: You threaten divorce on an hourly basis. You did it 3 times before I left for work today.

PASTE: The thing about teenagers is that once you're not one for a few years, you realize that they aren't cool, and never were, and you never were when you were one.

CDP: This is the walking punchline that is my life.

CDP: Bringing Arrested Development back is due compensation for giving Seth MacFarlane 2 shows on Sunday nights.

CDP: I follow trends like they're going out of style.

CDP: Dehumanization is the future. Nobody is responsible for their actions, and I blame O.J. for some reason.

AARON: You must really like cookies. I don't think you've ever looked that happy.

...On "Operation":

CDP: I forgot how truly horrifying it really was. It punishes imperfection and rewards skill of hand. Sort of like those Japanese game shows where they give you an enema on stage if you get a question wrong.

...On The Removal Of Pants:

AARON: Sorry I ditched out kinda was just getting a little uncomfortable where the conversations were heading. But it was fun.

CDP: Oh yeah, I'm sure Sherry's sorry about making you feel uncomfortable. Things got pretty kinky after you left. Nah, they didn't. It was fun to watch her try to tug your pants off, though. I'm used to her doing that to me.

SHERRY: Aaron, I wasn't actually going to take your pants off (I don't think anyway). It was just a fun game at the time. I'm sorry that that's the reason you left. :(

CDP: He left because you weren't trying hard enough.

ANON: He probably left because Ryan didn't try to take his pants off...

CDP: I think that's what the ladies wanted us to do.

...On Male Nudity:

PASTE: The best use of male nakedness I know of was called the Nauman Knocker named after a guy at my college, though I don't know for sure if the idea originated with him. The basics of it was that in the middle of the night you'd go to the door of someone's dorm room, do a hand stand with your feet resting on either side of the door, legs spread across the doorway. An accomplice knocks on the door and when the victim opens the door all tired and bleary-eyed, his picture is taken by the accomplice. I guess they trusted that a person in that sleepy state wouldn't consider racking soon enough to turn the tables on the pranksters.

CDP: The "Nauman Knocker" is the funniest thing I've heard all day. It contains the quiet dignity that's so lacking in "tea bagging".

What's with all the naked talk lately, anyway?

PASTE: I know, I can hardly bare it. Hey-o!

...On Dying My Hair:

MOM: Since you are trying new things, how about going back to the blond and then tying the shaggy????

CDP: "Tying the Shaggy"? I don't know what that means, but I don't swing that way, seriously.

...On Going Bald:

PASTE: Just in case there was a screwup in your gene transfer and you start to lose your hair in a few years... The only dignified thing to do is shave your head or buzz it very short. Everything I know in this life, I learned from Sean Connery and Bruce Willis.

CDP: Yeah, if I start to lose my hair, I will go to the ends of the earth to cover it up. I'm stockpiling crates of GLH. Thank you, RonCo!

...On The "Brown Note":

PASTE: My brown note is a 41-cycle hum, so I am the messiest bass player in the south land.

CDP: Yes, it should be noted that if you were to talk to me on the phone, my voice projects a subsonic frequency that usually will tamper with your bowels. It's the damnest thing.

What's your bass-player nickname? Allow me to suggest "Chief Brownbottom". You could wear a head dress and everything.

PASTE: I was thinking about going with "Thunderpants."

CDP: Woah, that's good on so many levels. You can use that name for any number of professions: Incontinent bass player, professional wrestler, exotic dancer, hot sauce spokesman... The list literally never ends.

PASTE: And all that without being offensive. Except for the constant pooping part.

CDP: Poop jokes. That's the only way this planet's ever going to unite as one.

...On Dave Thomas:

CDP: Dave Thomas was a satanist, though. You take the good with the bad.

HATHERY: Dave Thomas was a saint, you ass!

...On Driving In Chicago:

CDP: Lock your door. Not for your safety, but the safety of those around you. You're going to have a few moments where you want to kill the person next to you. Reaching for a locked door will give you a few seconds to clear your mind of murder.

HATHERY: Toronto drivers are far more polite than Chicago drivers; that's the only reason why I think I'd prefer the Toronto driving over Chicago. In Chicago, putting your blinker on and waiting doesn't mean someone is going to let you in.

PASTE: I'm sure they'll see my Arkansas plates and wave me in.

...On Poop. Again:

CDP: I just woke up. The Missus is taking a shower, and I just heard a massive crash come from her bathroom. I have to go and check on her now.

PASTE: Hope there are no shower injuries.

CDP: Everything seems to be fine downstairs. She didn't mention anything when she came out, so maybe I just heard a neighbor getting murdered or something. Flanders sucks.

HATHERY: You never did come to see if I was okay, ya jerk! Usually you come and see if I'm okay when I've just dropped a brush or something. What happened was that rack that is in the shower held up by suction cups decided to stop functioning and it and of its contents spilled to the floor. It scared me pretty bad. I pooped a little.

CDP: If you pooped, at least you were in the shower at the time. Damn it, why must you sink this page to the lowest common denominator all the time?

PASTE: I pooped a little because I was laughing at the "pooped a little" comment.

CDP: Oh, here we go. Now everyone's pooping.

PASTE: I predict that IPAL is going to be the new LOL.

CDP: Oh, that's brilliant.

...On Pop-Up Blockers:

PASTE: How does it know which pops to block up? I love technology.

CDP: I'm glad you axed, for I know the answer.

Pop-Up Blockers block ONLY the following types of Pops:

Kellog's Corn Pops, Pop Rocks, Dr. Seuss's "Hop on Pop", the rebroadcast and unauthorized rebroadcast of VH-1's "Pop-Up Video", Ice Pops AND Freeze Pops, Popples, Poppables, Non-Stop Pop 97.1FM, Things that go "pop" in the night & Crystal Pepsi.

Anything else works fine.

...On Cleaning The House:

PASTE: I'm going to start a home makeover show for bachelors. It'll pretty much just involve putting stuff away, throwing away old magazines, and vacuuming and dusting a little bit.

CDP: I'd watch that show.

"Now, if you'll notice, I've tossed out all of the Entertainment Weekly's and TV Guide's from earlier than 2004, and that really opens up the room a bit."

"Amazing! Thank you, Clinton!"

HATHERY: Ryan has the "tidying-up" aspect of cleaning down to a science, but the "cleaning" part is where we actually have the trouble. (i.e. the definition of cleaning off a table does not mean just wiping all the crumbs onto the carpet for me to vacuum later)

CDP: I keep TELLING you, that way is easier for ME!

...On Parades Getting Cancelled Due To Tornadoes:

CDP: Man, we got lucky. Jeff said that the tornado sirens were going off in Sun Prairie. He called the town at 6:15 to see if they cancelled the parade, and they said "Well, we haven't called it off yet." Jeff then held his phone out the window and said, "Do you hear that? Those are YOUR tornado sirens!"

They did call it off, by the way. Apparently, Jeff was standing on Main Street by himself for a bit before he realized what was up.

HATHERY: I went to the trouble of emailing the chamber of commerce this morning to find out if it was rescheduled. All I got back from them was "it's a rain or shine event, thus it was not rescheduled." I had no idea if that meant it was cancelled and would not be rescheduled or if all those people marched down main street in the middle of a tornado yesterdy!

CDP: Wow. Apparently, the Sun Prairie Chamber of Commerce only answers their e-mails in riddle form.


"Greetings and salutations, this is the Sun Prairie Chamber of Commerce."

"Um, hello? Yeah, I was just wondering if the parade was still going on tonight. I heard tornado sirens going off, and-"

"-I shall answer your question. But first, you must answer me these riddles three."

"Excuse me? It's raining pretty hard out there, and-"

"Riddle number one. An Ambulance, a Fire Truck, a Police car and a Mail truck all pull up to a four-way stop at the same time, who has the right of way?"

"What? Is the parade still on?"

"Tell me who has the right of way, and you will be one step closer to your destination."

"Um...Hell, I don't know. Whoever has their lights on, I suppose."

"I will accept that response. Riddle number two is as follows."

"Jesus...Look, I-"

"SILENCE! Riddle two is as follows. As I was heading to St. Ives, I passed a man with 7 wives. Every wife had seven cats, every cat had seven sacks, every sack had seven bats and every bat had seven hats. How many people were going to St. Ives?"

"You've got to be kidding me. You know, I can just walk down Main Street for myself to-"

"Oh, I wouldn't do that. There's a tornado out there. Answer the riddle."

"Well, if you passed them on the way to St. Ives, then only you were headed there, so my answer is 1."


"Um...yes. That is correct."

"Damn right, hit me with the third riddle, Chief."

"Um...the query you insist, doesn't-"

"You don't have a third riddle, do you?"

"No. The parade has been cancelled."


...On Wafflehouse:

CDP: I'll check 'oot Wafflehouse though, because I've never been to one and you swear by them. We don't have them here.

PASTE: For real, you know you've found a good eatery when you can sit at the counter and reflect on the poor decisions you've made in your life while "Tight Fittin' Jeans" by Dolly Parton is playing on the jukebox. I don't know why other restaurants even bother to exist.

CDP: That sounds very depressing and empowering at the same time. It's right up my alley. Normally, when I stop to reflect on my bad life decisions, I'm already in the back of the squad car.

RJ: I went to IHOP for funnel cake at 2am tonight. It was fantastic. I also did a rousing Alex Trebek impression, using my fingers as a fake moustache.

...On Pirating "Lost":

SHERRY: Well, back to watching and obsessing over Lost!

HATHERY: What? You guys are on the LOST wagon too? Since when!?!

CDP: Probably since Ben pirated all the episodes.

SHERRY: Ben and I are completely done watching all of the first season. It took us less than a week to watch them all because we were so hooked!

CDP: You're welcome. Ben should buy himself a parrot.

HATHERY: No kidding. Couldn't wait a bloody week for the DVD's to come out???? "I love the show so much that I want to steal everything I can from it!!!!"

CDP: You're stealing food right out of Hurley's mouth.

...On "Lost" Being Too Complicated:

MOM: I was considering jumping on the Lost bandwagon this season, but after reading your summary I was so confused I decided to stick with "So you think you can dance". It is so much easier to follow.

CDP: I don't know. I heard that they'll be throwing in a real twist at the end, when they bring in a monster that kills all the dancers one by one.

...On Mutton Chop:

PASTE: Mutton, Music and movies are getting so expensive these days. Are their any pirate techniques for reducing my entertainment budget?

I do know the difference between "their" and "there."

MUTTON: Yaarrrr! Ye' came to the right place. Just PIRATE thy goods! Steal it, burn it and leave the in-darr-stry to eat itself alive! They de-sarrr-ve it, for giving us such sub-paarrrrr en-tarr-tainment!

By thee way, I also know thy difference between "tharr" and "tharrr". "Tharrr" has an extra "arrr" in it. Happy sailing!

...On Steven Avery:

ANON: Where do you get off posting all this information? It's been all over CNN and such, that they have no positive identification on the remains, and for that matter, that they aren't even sure they are -human-.

CDP: There's no information on this post that I didn't quote directly from reputable Wisconsin news and media sources. If it's incorrect or starting to get out of date, I suggest looking at an actual news site to get your current information.

If Avery is cleared of charges, I'll send you a CDP t-shirt.

PASTE: Man, what's with all the SLAM! lately.

CDP: Yeah, really. You accuse one guy of murder, and all of a sudden people get testy.

...On Blues Harmonica:

CDP: I live in an apartment, so I can't really make as much noise as I used to. The only instrument that I use anymore on a regular basis is a harmonica that I play when I'm trying to anger the Missus. I sing her blues songs I make up on the spot, and I usually pass out before I get to the chorus. I'm not very good.

PASTE: She'll miss that harmonica when she goes to prison... for killing you with the harmonica.

CDP: She loves my improvisational blues harmonica. She didn't realize how musically versitile I was until after she married me. It's a good thing she doesn't believe in divorce.

...On Fixing The Garage Door:

TINMAN: Oh yeah, have to fix the garage door. For the last six months, the sender unit has been broken and my garage door will not close by itself. So I have to open it, back the car out, then go in and close it manually. Now this is tricky, because you have to keep constant pressure on the button until it is completely closed. I have no problem with this and would be alright with doing this through the winter and saving the $50 it will cost for a new unit. However, it will be worth it just to not have to watch the other two females in my house turn this simple procedure into something similar to solving a Rubiks cube. You see, whenever we all go somewhere, I back the car out and leave it up to one of them to close the door. I then sit in my car and watch the door go up and down, in 2 foot increments, for the next ten minutes. So, I’ll fix the door.

...On Best Buy:

PASTE: My friend Kirk of fame often go to Best Buy to purchase music and movies. So now our standard joke when we get to the counter is for me to loudly say, "Kirk, that's that magazine you've been wanting but you wanted to try it out first before you commit to a long term subscription!" Then he makes fun of me for almost forgetting to show my reward zone card about a year and a half ago.

CDP: It's gotten to the point at my local Best Buy where the kid points to the magazine and I just shake my head. We've got it down to non-verbal cues now.

...One-Liner Clearing House! (Part 2):

PASTE: The guy-in-the-mirror thing reminded me of the film Pi. I really hated that movie, which is weird because I'm good at math.

CDP: There WAS a "Price is Right" slot machine that was sort of fun, but it sucked my money down so fast I didn't even have a chance to enjoy it. Rot in hell, Rod Roddy!

HATHERY: Another cool thing about Kubrick movies is that no matter which one you watch, you'll always find that you hated it more than the last one you watched.

CDP: Yeah, there's no deeper ghetto than where Aaron lives. We've got to get him out of there before he converts and starts scratching up all his nice vinyl.

CDP: They've got some sort of control over me, and I think it may have something to do with Cinnabon.

PASTE: A good blog is hard to find. When you find it, you just have to grab it by the points and you don't let go no matter what your mom says. :hits top of table for emphasis:

AARON: Well when are you guys going to be in the area next? We can play some drunken Scrabble and then kill a homeless man and bury him in my basement. Just like the old days.

CDP: Someone's gotta come down and keep me company. I can't just spend the weekend as the only guy surrounded by pretty ladies with sparkling personalities. Don't you know how bored I'd get?

CDP: Nothing says love like a drunken wrestling match. All the staged Niagara Falls pictures in the world can't match the emotion you feel when you airplane spin a loved one.

CDP: Just because Mr. Promise Ring has a lisp doesn't make him a bad artist. Remember when we met? I couldn't read!

CDP: Us skinny hipsters can't hold a candle to a Neil Diamond fan. You can't out-dance a punch in the neck.

...On Blog Material:

PASTE: I'm gonna have to start making up crap for my languishing blog.

CDP: That's what I do. I've been bedridden since 1989.

...On Sherry Falling Asleep:

AARON: Its funny how whenever Sherry is over to drink, she just ends up passing out in some embarrasing position.

CDP: Sherry falls asleep like that weather she's drinking or not. She's usually out by about 9. I swear that she married Ben specifically to use him as a pillow.

...On Religion:

CDP: Here's a tip: If you're trying to convert someone, don't contradict yourself right away. Spread it out over the course of a lifetime.

The bulk of my friends and I are intelligent Christians who just happen to sport tattoos (mostly my wife) and a lot of black clothing (mostly me). In the wildest dreams of the people who gave us that tape, they would have never guessed that we would go straight home and listen to it, which was exactly what we did!

When I start handing out literature at parades, I'll know that I've finally strayed.

PASTE: Oh, I didn't know you had tattoos. In that case, you actually are going to Hell.

...On Nightmares:

AARON: I had a dream about killing zombies the other night. I'm pretty sure it took place in my basement. Which makes sense, since there are probably dead bodies down there.

I don't normally remember my dreams, but lately I have been, and they've been weird.Last night there was a dream involving snakes. I woke up and thought there was a snake in the bed, so I got up and thought I saw one slither under the sheets. Shook the sheets out trying to find it, then realized..."oh, yeah. that was a dream."

CDP: You should drink more.

HATHERY: I'm sure it was a real snake...probably was feasting on the basement-corpses.

CDP: Oh, yeah. I bet you have a snake in the basement that occasionally sneaks into your room while you sleep. He started out tiny, but after years of living off nothing but zombies, he's 15 feet long and about 500 pounds.

He's gunna kill you.

...On Exploding Heads:

HATHERY: Ryan stares at me that way daily in hopes that my head will explode. Sometimes he does it when I'm sleeping in an attempt to catch me at a more vulnerable time. Still, my brain power is far too advanced for him to explode my head, or even implode it for that matter.

CDP: I do brain exercises with the Missus daily to increase my killing power.

...On Drinking Infected Beer:

CDP: The beer was "infected", in that the oxidants and yeast were at levels where the grains were know what? Forget it.

All it meant was that it tasted bad, because the guy who brewed it (a friend of my co-worker) has a lot of cats in his house, and doesn't wash things.

MOM: Eeeewww.

CDP: He thought it was pretty funny, though, and once I got out of the hospital, I also had a good laugh.

Speaking of which, the batch I helped make should be ready any day now. I'm worried about it, because I couldn't stop sneezing into the vat.

...On TiVo:

CDP: Yeah, I don't have a TiVO, I have a Moxi DVR that I orderd through Charter. I just call it a "TiVo" because everyone already knows what that is. You can record two shows at once, but you can't watch a third show at the same time.

My suggestion to the Missus was for us to buy a second box, so we could tape four shows at once.

AARON: I think you kids take TV way too seriously. Four shows at once!? Come on. Who needs that much TV. Go play outside.

PASTE: That makes no sense to me at all. TiVo is inside.

...On "Intelligent Music":

CDP: Yeah, now that I listen to more "intelligent" music, I get to stand amongst more intelligent crowds. I don't miss the punk shows at all, where I'd get my ass handed to me night after night, and come home smelling like 100 other people more filthy than I was. It was fun to play them, though. I've found that a mosh is more fun if you're the one playing the music.

SHERRY: "Intelligent" eh? Mozart, Bach, or Beethoven would f-ing blow your mind.

CDP: You're right, I bet you had much better crowd experiences at Mozart shows.

PASTE: I saw the movie Beethoven starring Charles Grodin. I didn't think it was that intelligent. Dogs are funny, though.

CDP: Yeah, that dog didn't look like he could play the piano, but I'll take her word for it.

...On NyQuil:

SHERRY: I want some NyQuil! I might need it after spending the night with nine other people in a one King-sized bed hotel room on Thursday night!

CDP: You'll either need some NyQuil or a pregnancy test.

HATHERY: Yikes, I would hate to sleep in a room with that many other people!

AARON: Oh, there was no sleeping involved. That's why she needs the NyQuil.

CDP: Ironically, Ben will also be sleeping with 9 people while Sherry's away.

AARON: Sure, if you count Star Wars figures as people.

CDP: Which he most certainly does.

...On Bugs:

HATHERY: Bugs and you don't mix. We almost crashed the car that one day because you were flipping out about that winged-ant on my steering wheel....

CDP: Hey, that winged ant was so big it was steering the damn car.

...On Reality Shows:

PASTE: It must be like some sort of reality show living at your house.

CDP: It's actually pretty embarrassing how quiet it is at our place. I sometimes run a chainsaw just for the illusion of company.

PASTE: Since I don't actually know any of you, you guys are like my own personal reality show.

CDP: I've always wanted to be on my own reality show. In many ways, this is it.

...On Tony Little:

PASTE: Poor Tony Litte. Who is there to motivate you at the end of the day?

CDP: All Tony has left is his Gazelle.

PASTE: That's all any of us really have, if you think about it, is Tony's Gazelle.

CDP: That either made no sense, or more sense than I'll ever know.

PASTE: I've learned a lot about myself today.

...On The Longest Thread Ever:

So, there you have it. I feel cleansed and ready to start anew. In the next couple weeks, expect to see year-end lists and countdowns, Lost Fridays and various other business. I can't wait until this year is over so I can get back to just writing funny stuff. My obsession with closure overshadows my willingness to write stupid essays.

Go to the comments section and tell us what your favorite quote of 2005 is.