Monday, January 30

Fact Or Crap? - CDP Edition.

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Gather 'round, now. Here's how you play 'Fact Or Crap? - CDP Edition.'

I'm going to tell you 10 interesting or odd facts about myself. You are going to decide which one or many of them is a lie, and let me know in the comments section. After a day or two, I'll reveal the answer(s) and give mad props and respek to the winner (I don't have any CDP merch to hand out...yet). Simple as that.

Put on your thinking caps, it's time to spot the lie:

1. In my early teens, I was a nationally-recognized Foosball player. In 1997, the National Championships were held in Oshkosh, WI, and I placed 5th in the 17 & Under tournament. During that tournament, I lost a match to Billy Pappas and won a match against Tony Spredeman. They are now recognized as the #1 and #5 ranked players in the world.

2. In the 5th grade, I was known and respected in my class for a weekly essay entitled, ‘The Stupid Dork.’ Each week, students would wait to feverishly pass around the latest exploits in the the life of ‘Re T. Ard,’ the title character in question. I wrote 15 of these volumes before they were discovered by my teacher and instantly destroyed.

3. I once went 52 straight hours without sleep as a teenager. I woke up at 6am on a Friday, and didn’t sleep until 10am on Sunday morning. It should be noted that somewhere around hour 28 of my insomnia, I played a grueling 3 hour tennis match, with me emerging victorious in the final set. I eventually passed out, sleeping well into Monday.

4. When I was 8 years old, I wrote a horror story entitled ‘Rampage in the Tower,’ about a group of guests at a party getting horribly dispatched, one at a time, by the sadistic host. Some of the highlights include three women getting mauled by dogs, a man getting decapitated by an axe, and in the head-scratching climax, the host being released from jail after serving for one month. Many years later, the movie ‘Saw’ was released, proving that an 8-year-old can indeed write a Hollywood blockbuster. As an addition, I submitted the story to Disney Adventures magazine for their annual Halloween story contest. I was never contacted, although I can’t imagine why Child Protective Services was never notified.

5. One summer day as a child, I tripped over a decorative rock at my Grandparents’ house and landed nose-first on the pavement. This happened in mid-sprint, mind you, so most of my nose looked like it had been sandpapered off. For the next few weeks, I looked like the Crypt Keeper, as my crimson stump of a nose naturally healed. It broke, but never bled. To this day, if you look at my nose close enough, you can tell it had been broken.

6. I’m left-handed, and I don’t believe in case-sensitivity. For example, if you were to receive a handwritten letter from me, it would either be in all upper-case or lower-case. No letter deserves treatment over the other when my pen is involved. Almost everyone on my mom’s side of the family is left-handed and has the exact same writing style. It’s crazy; you can’t tell any of them apart.

7. When working on the farm as a child, if a calf or cow were to die in our care, we would truck it to the ‘Cow Cemetery.’ This was essentially a huge mass grave, deep into the marshy area behind the farm, generally upwind. We would load the dead cow into the back of a truck and drive it out there, throwing it onto a 50 year pile of skeletons and rotting flesh. I’ve never seen anything like it before or since; it simply has to be what hell looks like. Growing up in a farming and hunting family, I’ve seen tons of animals in all states of torture and mutilation, but the Cow Cemetery made my stomach turn the most.

8. Speaking of the worst thing I’ve ever smelled in my life: My Dad was an avid hunter, fisherman and trapper, and liked to tinker with experimental baits and lures in his shed. He succeeded in creating what is generally known in these parts as the most foul and wreched scent ever bottled. ‘Gutbuster’ was the name of a trapping lure he concocted, consisting of a special blend of God-only knows what. When you opened a bottle of this stuff, a puff of smoke would escape from the top. Many of these lure brainstorming sessions ended with my Dad running from his shed and throwing up. This was a lot funnier than I can really explain.

9. During study hall in my senior year of High School, I sat directly behind the Missus’ ex-boyfriend. Every day, I would positively channel my rage and write a song or two about how much I couldn’t stand him. By the time I gradutated, I had a binder with over 100 awful songs in it. We’ve never spoke.

10. The very first hand of the very first game of poker I ever played was a true Royal Flush. 13 years later, and it hasn’t happened since.

There you go. Think it over, and share with us what you think is a load of bull rip.

Man, I seriously need to consider writing an autobiography. Not like that silly 'unofficial fan' one that Tiger Beat ran in 2002. Much of what they said was taken entirely out of context. Same with the front-page article I did for Beardin' magazine this month:

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Sheesh, advertising. What won't these people do for a buck?

Hey! Before I go, I have a Commie Award to hand 'oot!

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Speaking of fictional autobiographies, this week's award goes to James Frey and his book, A Million Little Pieces, basically because it's the last award he will ever win. Ever. Again; For the rest of his meager life, before he gets back on the sauce and does himself in for good. Nobody likes a liar, James, and when you lie to Oprah freaking Winfrey, your career is as good as cashed and spent. You've made a powerful enemy, dude.

For the life of me, I can't understand why people turn into selfish monsters and liars over something as superficial and trival as a few bucks. I guess that's what separates me from the losers. Talk to you later.

Truth my be stranger than fiction, but it is never as strange as lies.
1. Fact
2. Crap
3. Fact
4. Fact
5. Fact
6. Fact
7. Crap
8. Fact
9. Fact

I knew the James Frey thing would make you happy since you don't like him, but everyone knows that most writers embellish some things to keep their readers interested. Don't you? Anyone who makes Oprah look like an ass gets an award in my book. I can't stand her. I still think that A Million Little Pieces is a great book true or not. A reader reads for the entertainment not necessarily for the whole truth.I maybe shouldn't have gone first on the fact or crap thing since everyone will assume I know all the answers :)
I don't like Oprah, but I smelled a rat with James Frey the second his book came out. I knew I didn't like that guy, but I didn't know why until now. I need to learn to trust my gut more on these things.

My initial opinion on the subject was this: Why do I care? So you were a rich junkie that ruined your life and brought yourself back to the human race. Great, but what about those of us who were smart enough not to fall in the first place? Why should I give you money to hear about your mistakes? I don't think positive of someone who beats addiction, especially when it's easier not to get addicted in the first place. Sounds like a loser to me. And a liar to boot.

Everything he says for the rest of his (short) career will be questioned and doubted, and for what?

When you write an autobiography, you set a standard that what you say is true unless otherwise noted. Later pressings of his book will come with this disclaimer, I've been told.

Of course I embellish and lie, but everyone knows that I do. That's why it's funny.

By the way, you didn't get all the answers right. You did good, though.
So that means I won't be getting a CDP t-shirt? I was just picking on you about the James Frey thing because I know how you feel about him. Although, I say again anyone who makes Oprah look stupid is wonderful in my book.
I've got a backlog of stuff I want to do with this page, and the CDP swag is mighty far back in line. It would totally sell like crazy, though.

Who wouldn't like a CDP coffee mug or beer cozy?

Truly, anyone who's unstable enough to lie to Oprah is not to be messed with. I'm glad that she looked stupid, and I'm also glad that he was outed. It's the best news I've heard all year.
I think all of the items you've listed above are true, and I'd like to buy your book. I believe virtually everything I read, which I think makes me more selective...

I watched an older Office episode, the Halloween one, and Oscar was dressed as a woman, and Michael says, "Haha, I bet you wish you could wear that everyday." and Oscar defensively says, "What are you implying, Michael?" I learned something about Oscar today.
That Office thing is funny. It ties together all the information we uncovered thanks to Dwight's stakeout.

I honestly think that this page is the only thing keeping me from writing a book. I've read so-called "Humor" books that were a lot less funny than some of these posts. I should wrangle my best ones into a compendium, and shop them to the highest bidder.

OR, for every post I normally write, just write a second one that's better, and file it in the 'book' section of my desk. Eventually, I will have tricked myself into creating a wildly humorous book, under the guise of funny Blog posts.

(passes out)
I hope I can write a blurb for the jacket of your book.
I will write a book for the sole purpose of having you write the jacket blurb. In fact, the book will consist of nothing but blurb.

'Blogs, Blurbs & BLAM!'
The CDP Story.
"The CDP's story will change everything you thought you knew about Communism (the original "red state"), and before long you'll find yourself dancing to his whimsical jig. It'll warm your mind and engage your heart, and provide instant relief to sore aching muscles. Also, that was awkwardly funny on the Office when Michael took Jim to Hooters."
I would buy a CDP T-shirt, beanie, or tea cozy!

You should register the domain and make some shirts. I'd donate a few bucks to the cause!
Best Blurb ever. I really don't see how it could exist without some type of quote in it. You're right, too, that scene was truly hilarious.

I've thought about changing the domain name and whatnot, but that would cost money. Maybe someday, in an alternate dimension when I could actually make money off the site. I need to solicit more advertisers. We'll shoot for 2007.
On a different note, I can't believe nobody mentioned how awesome 'Beardin' was.
Speaking of beardin' friends and I are starting "Facial Hair February" tomorrow. None of us are shaving the entire month. It's going to be hilarious.
You should start it tomorrow, so you have the whole month to beard it up.
We are starting tomorrow? Don't you read?
That first sentence wasn't supposed to be a question, though. I'm not sure if we're all shaving today to have a clean slate or if we're just letting it go as-is. Either way it's going to be pretty gross once "Mustache March" rolls around.

Grants going to go for the curly mustache. It's going to be amazing.
Hmmm, I guess I wasn't reading correctly. I don't know what got into me.

Mustache March sounds like a darn good time. The ladies should do it, too.

Grant will have that curly 'stache down by the end of the first week. He can grow a beard at will to impress people at parties. Like Sean Connery.
I think he's going to have an afro-beard by the time March rolls around. I guess we're laying down the law that there is to be no grooming or trimming of any sort; just lettin' it go. It could turn ugly, but it will probably be funny.

Several female friends think it's going to be awesome and will be purchasing fake beards to go out drinking with us. Several other female friends will not be talking to us until May.

I think I'm going to put up a post about it today. Or maybe tomorrow. Maybe we'll do a before and after type thing. Hmm...more on that as it develops.
I would suggest putting a thumbnail-sized picture of yourself up every day until the contest is over, then animating them like a time-lapse of beardal growth.

No grooming aloud? Oh, that's going to be nasty. Beardin' would not approve of this one bit.

It's funny that some women think facial hair is ironically hilarious, and others despise it with the flaming intensity of a thousand suns.
Yeah, there was some debate over the grooming rule, but apparently the majority thinks it would be funnier if we all had scraggly, haggard looking beards. I guess they have a point.
It is funnier, that's for sure. Itchy as hell, though.

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