Monday, March 20

Worst Album Covers Of All Time.

Here now, a small sampling of the worst album covers ever.

Much like the 'Random Facts About Chuck Norris' and 'Shockmaster Incident' posts, the 'Worst Album Covers Ever' post was a long time coming. Sure, I didn't really discover any of these, and the same terrible covers have been tossed around forever, but I felt I needed to bring a similar post to the CDP. Why? Well, because some people might not have seen these covers yet, and also because I'm fresh out of original ideas.

To check out the biggest selection of bad album covers on the web, check out this link. Some of those covers are PG-13 or downright obscene, so I omitted them from the CDP countdown. Away we go.

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#15 - Wolf: Wolf

When you put a vicious, snarling animal on the cover of your album, you're normally trying to invoke a sense of fright or danger. You know, let the kids know that you mean business and are capable of getting biz-zay frequently and sufficiently. In the case of this Wolf album, you're left with the theory that the artist was attempting to draw a wolf, but decided to turn it into a gorilla wearing a trench coat and a Freddy Krueger mitt at the last minute. While I respect his or her decision to go with their gut, I don't think it's possible to come up with something less intimidating.

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#14 - Country Church: Country Church

This photo was clearly taken at a local Sears or Citgo station, purchased with the money those two guys won at the World Beard & Moustache Championships. How they managed to take a break from life on the farm long enough to pick up matching outfits is beyond me, let alone record an entire album. Now, the gentleman in the middle has his hand on the girl's shoulder, which would explain why he was mysteriously murdered later that day and replaced with her husband on lead tambourine. Furthermore, when members of a church start dressing the same, it is officially a cult.

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#13 - Joyce: Joyce

Ah, Joyce. You lovable, lonely woman. No doubt, this albums contains tracks of love and loving lovers lost, with just a dash of hope for the future. Joyce seems vulnerable yet self-sufficient, holding a single rose as if to say, "Look at me. I'm distraught and alone, and that's okay!" Her once empowered female fans were generally upset and confused with the release of her sophomore album, "I Am Totally Down With Being Tyrone's Ho'." She was nominated for a Source award that year, but sadly lost to MC Lyte.

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#12 - Roger: The Many Facets Of Roger

For all the 'facets' that Roger seems to have, something tells me that they all end up the same way. Sweating through yet another jumpsuit in the dressing room of a smoky disco, cutting up a rock of coke so big I could set my television on it.

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#11 - Mike Adkins: Thank You For The Dove

I found out that this was a spiritual album (really?), which raised a lot of moral questions with me. First off, has God ever dropped your own personal dove from the sky? Ever? If He did, would you keep it? Secondly, I'm completely convinced that Jesus would never listen to about 99% of the crap people write about Him. I could see the Almighty listening to Sufjan Stevens or All Star United, but He wouldn't stand for this. No way. At least, not the Jesus I know. Also, the Jesus I know smells like sandalwood and pine, and never tires of my endless tirades about the government and student loans.

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#10 - Manowar: Anthology

Oh, no.

Let's talk demographics for a sec', kay? Who is this appealing to? Male metal fans? Nope. Female metal fans? Well maybe, if there were any. You know who this cover appeals to? Manowar. That's all, nothing more and nothing less. Furthermore, that's up with the one guy who's not shirtless? Did he have a no-nudity clause in his contract? Maybe he thought his moustache was statement enough, which is totally true. Everyone should know by now that the only people you attract with naked men are other men who like naked men. Stick with the scantly-clad ladies that got you here, Manowar.

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#09 - Devastatin’ Dave (The Turntable Slave): Zip Zap Rap

First off, Devastatin' Dave is not a DJ. He looks more like a professional wrestler. In any regard, he could almost certainly get his ass trounced by 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper, or 'Mean' Gene Okerlund for that matter. It would also appear that Dave is an African-American fellow, which would make his use of the term 'slave' very odd at the least. Also, did you notice that the word 'zap' is directly placed on Mr. Slave's embarrassingly tight pants? Is that supposed to be some sort of subliminal message? That all being said, I'm quite certain that anything in my pants could spin records better than Devastatin' Dave. In fact, my pantal contents are challenging Dave to a spin-off later this afternoon.

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#08 - Mike Crain: Karatist Preacher - God’s Power

Mike Crain is a triple threat. Not only is he a singer as well as a man of the cloth, he's also a black belt! That's more than I can claim, so I can't bust on this guy too much. Say what you will, but when was the last time you saw a preacher smashing bricks with his palms in church? Maybe if there were more guys like Mike Crain around, I'd go to church more often. You know what? This might actually be the best album cover ever.

"The power of Christ compells break these bricks of Satan! Yaaahhh!"

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#07 - Jim Post: I Love My Life

As much as it pains me and my 'stache loving friends to say this, Jim's super-thick 'stache is what ruins the cover. You know, a whole lot of album covers have the lead singer standing naked under a waterfall or frolicking in a Finnish sauna, but they normally don't sport a crumb catcher that can absorb a good 9 quarts of liquid. Look at the damn thing! Can you imagine how much that mass weighs right now? Brutha's gunna have a stretch mark on his philtrum. After some digging around, I found out that Mr. Post now does side work as a Mark Twain impersonator (really).

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#06 - John Bult: Julie’s Sixteenth Birthday

Oh, hell no.

John, what are you doing? There's nothing even close to legal with this situation, whatsoever. You took this girl to a bar; now you're drinking a beer, smoking a butt and holding her hand. Who's going to drive her home when you pass out? You could have at least taken her to Chuck-E-Cheese so she could be around people her own age. Maybe if you got rid of that lousy hat, you could find someone over 16 that wants to be seen in public with you. Thank you, John Bult, now I need a shower, maybe two.

Upon closer examination of the cover, you can see that the Julie in question is gazing longingly at the cigarette and mug of beer (probably Blatz, possibly Billy). So maybe, just maybe, the concept of the album isn't rampant pedophilia and a pending child molestation charge, but just that Julie's depressed she's too young to smoke and get smashed.

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#05 - Freddie Gage: All My Friends Are Dead

You can take the title of this album one of two ways. One, you could see Mr. Gage as an unlucky and depressed fellow who has seen his most beloved people parish in this cruel and unpredictible thing we call life. Or, you can see it for what it's worth. That Freddie Gage is an unstoppable serial murderer and you should avoid being his friend or acquaintance at all costs. What could this guy possibly be singing about? Smiths covers, I assume. And if all of his friends are dead, who's buying his albums?

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#04 - Jeff: Something Special

You know what? Forget it. I'm not touching this one.

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#03 - Mike Terry: Live At The Pavilion Theatre - Glasgow

This is the only cover on the list that makes me laugh every time I lay eyes on it. Mike Terry appears to be having a great time playing his piano. Oh, and he's also stuffed like a beef sausage into a suit that Liberace gave up for being 'entirely too gay.' I can only imagine what the cover of Volume One looked like. Furthermore, look at his neck. It looks as if the costume is on backwards, dangling dangerously and clinging onto his waddle for dear life. Maybe he's wearing a spandex jumpsuit under this, and he tears it off during a rollicking Scottish rendition of 'Great Balls Of Fire.' (roll tongue on the word 'great' for maximum effect)

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#02 - Ken: By Request Only

Oh, don't act like you don't know what time it is! This is Ken, man!

The two things about this cover that strike me the most are 1), the shot on the right is most certainly in an outhouse, and 2), the shot on the left is a crude, carved stone figure of the man on the right. This is widely regarded as the worst album cover of all time, and just sleeves of this album go for big money on Ebay. Something tells me that 'By Request Only' means his set list consists of about half a song before he's quickly escorted back to his customized barstool, where he's fed vodka tonics for the remainder of the night. Then at 2am, he'll stumble back into the ballroom, fart into the mike and fall off the stage.

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#01 -Heino: Liebe Mutter…

Okay, there's something you need to know about the cover of this album. The translation reads, 'Dear Mother...A Bouquet That Never Wilts.'

Thanks, Oedipus. Way to expand your fan base.

Can you imagine what this album sounds like? Really? For my money, all the booze, weed, shrooms, smack, rock, ice, airplane glue, gasoline, Knightmare Juice and shoe polish in the world wouldn't even get me in the same ballpark. Thank you, Heino. This is truly the funniest and most unsettling album cover I have ever seen.

So, there you have it. Sound off in the comments section about your favorite album cover, and feel free to submit your own.

Don't delete the test pic on the top... I'm using it to link to the CDP off my site.
Okie-dokie. I planned on leaving it there for a while, or at least just changing the image every now and again.
I am pretty sure that I saw some of the guys from manowar dancing at the Sugar Shack when I was 16.
You're right! I think that the dude on the far left was Cochise.
As a side note, I didn't realize how large these album covers were going to look on my page, so my apologies for their massive pixelization. It's a lot of crap to take in all at once.
I've seen most of those, but too much Joyce is not enough. A couple of them were new to me. I would kill to see the outtakes from The Many Facets of Roger. I bet it was hard to narrow it down to only six facets. He should have done one where that little tuft of chest hair was shaved off.

Reading from left to right at the top and then the bottom, here is how I would title each facet:

I think someone wants to make out with Roger...

C'mon baby, why not?

Don't be scared baby, I'm harmless, for real.

Oh, you wanna go outside and make out?

Oh, you just want me to go outside.

How 'bout a goodbye kiss for Roger?
Those are some good facets, right there.

When I look at them, they all scream "Say whaaaaat!?" to me.

I think Joyce and Roger would make a great couple.
I looked at the Roger cover and this went through my mind.

"I'm Roger, do know how many women I've had sex with?


That Earl/Office combo was a great one. But if you're tivo isn't catching The Loop you're missing some good fun.
NBC should sign Earl/Office to a 5-season deal, and specify that they always need to air next to each other. As different as they are, you can't have one without the other.

The Loop is good, as was last night's Free Ride. Still though, S&D is the best new comedy I've seen since AD. It gets my CDP seal of approval.
I agree with paste: There's no such thing as too much Joyce.

And I can't figure out about if "Arnold" is the name of the Wolf, or is that the proud artist who took home 3rd place in his junior high art contest?

Also, I read Julie's expression less of a lamenting about cigarettes, but more the exact look of a 16-year-old sold as an "escort" to the creepy guy a couple of farms down. She's terribly sad, but also resigned, because she knows pappy will just beat her with sugar cane reeds if she tries to run away.
Also, could Heino's eyes be any further apart? I mean, they both touch the outer edges of his already comically far apart glasses.
Aaron, that cover almost made my list. I honestly think that both beings on the cover are wooden dummies. Or at the very least, wax.

"Hey, who are you callin' a dummy!"

I also didn't know if the name of the Wolf album was Arnold or not, and I was far too terrified to look it up.

You're right about Julie. Worst 16th birthday present ever.

I knew a girl that looked an awful lot like Heino, and that ain't even close to cool.

Heino told Joyce that Julie & Roger have AIDS.
I'm pretty sure Liebe Mutter is German for "Praying Mantis."
(To be read in a Jeff Foxworthy-esque voice)

"When you can see your ears without the assistance of a mirror.. you might be a Heino!"
This is the worst I've seen so far...

Beat that!
Oh crap.
Now you've done it, Jessica. I left that one out of my list on purpose, because it's...well, you know.

Trust me, there are some covers out there that are just plain vile and not the least bit funny. However, Pooh Man makes me laugh because he thought it was a good idea at the time.

Heh-heh...Pooh Man.

Oh! Some quick FOX news I just picked up:

King Of The Hill has been picked up for an 11th season, making it the second-longest comedy on TV. Everyone thought this year was the last, but I guess not. That's really good news if you're me.

Also (old news), the Simpsons have been renewed for 2 more years, carrying it through season 19. A movie is in the works, and will premiere when the show finally wraps up.
Pooh man? More like... Poo man.

I don't know if it's more or less disturbing that Pooh-man looks exactly like Shaquille O'Neill.

Either way, that cover is still less disturbing than Kazaam.
Todd, I don't think that Heino is a man...
Shaq used to be a rapper, so you never know. Maybe Pooh Man was his street name, on a count of him liking super fly honeys.

Good point, RJ. Maybe Heino is a female. Nevertheless, it's wrong on all levels. I'm sticking with my assumption that it's a guy, only because I don't want to think about what her mom looks like.
Heino? More like Weirdo.
I think RJ meant "man" in the general "mankind" sense.
Oh, I get it. Like, he was insulting him as a man. Like calling him a "Mary" because he skipped over a puddle, something like that.

Personally, I think Heino's all man. At the very least, more of a man than Pooh Man.
Walker told me Heino has AIDS.
Germans are weird. What with their bratwurst and beer....

Wait, that's Wisconsins...'s..
Yup. When it comes to the U.S., You can't get more Nordic or German than the state of Wisconsin. We're a tight bunch.

I like how even in a city as large and diverse as Madison, it's a given that 90% of us will be going out for a fish fry every Friday night. For St. Patties day last week, the city reeked of cornbeef and cabbage. Every weekend is like a non-stop family reunion with people you haven't met yet.

When the final page is turned on the CDP, let it be known that I always loved and positively represented the state of Wisconsin. Weather aside, this place rules. And even the weather's not that bad. If we didn't have such an afwul winter, then we couldn't fully appreciate the rest of the year.

Sorry, I got a little fruity there. It's just a coool state is all. I can't wait to hit the road for Grilled Cheese Wisconsin this summer.
I had an amazing grilled cheese this weekend. Double-decker-Texas-Toast style with a tomato. Plus the owner had sideburns like Wolverine. We'll have to hit that place up.
The owner of the restaurant I was at, not the owner of the grilled cheese. Just to clarify that I'm not stealing sandwiches from Wolverine-like people.
You need Wolverine-like sideburns. Then the owner of the grilled cheese would have them, too.
Imagine how lucky the Grilled Cheese would be that was handled by nothing but people with Wolverine chops. Almost makes me jealous.
Country Church - It is good to see the cast of "The Wizard of OZ" still getting work.

Joyce - Is that the remains of a '62 Buick on her face?

Roger - Roger's many facets obviously do not include "appeal".

Thank you for the Dove - Why do I have this disturbing feeling that if my mother had been aware of this album 30 years ago, it would have graced our turntable at some point. How about "Thank you for not being so popular"?

Manpower -

Devastatin' Dave - Is that my brother?

God's Power - How would you like this guy handing out your penance?

Jim Post - Yeah, he really looks like he is "loving life", doesn't he? H elooks like he is taking his last shower before heading off into San Quentin.

Julie's Sixteenth Birthday - I hear this is a favorite in every halfway house in America.

All my Friends are Dead - Committed suicide no doubt.

Something Special from Jeff - This one is just plain disturbing.

Mike Terry - Shouldn't this title read, "Mike OR Terry?"

Ken - I think this guy tended bar in Larsen in '77.

Heino - Hey CDP, I think you have found this year's Halloween costume.

Nice captions; it's good to see you lurking around again. I'd normally respond with a witty reply, but you pretty much took care of the heavy lifting for me.

You might have done this by accident, but I like how you called Manowar 'Manpower.' It makes a lot more sense if they were called that.
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Heino is actually a deep baritone singer! SOoo weird:
Those are pretty killer. Some are absolute classics.
That Ken album reminds of the place on State Street several years ago mysteriously called Ken?
I still don't know exactly what that place was, and I even went in there once. It was like a coffee shop that didn't sell any coffee, or a hair salon with no scissors, just magazines.
Oops, originally posted this comment on the wrong page: How the hell did you not include '80s-tastic bombshell Janny's "Stronger Than Before"? I found this on cassette in a thrift store in the '80s. I've never listened to it.
Also - I just love how at least four of the facets of Roger involve raising his eyebrows.
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