Monday, April 3

Fact Or Crap? - CDP Edition. (Volume 2)

It'll cure what ails 'ya.

Gather 'round, now. Here's how you play 'Fact Or Crap? - CDP Edition.'

I'm going to tell you 10 interesting or odd facts about myself (or boring and pompous, depending on what your opinion of me as a person is). You are going to decide which one or many of them is a lie, and let me know in the comments section. After a day or two, I'll reveal the answer(s) and give mad props and respek to the winner. Simple as that.

If you want a reminder, here was the wildly successful and oft-imitated VOLUME ONE.

In Volume One, there weren't any lies in each of the 10 statements; but this time I promise that there's a lie somewhere in this post. Put on your thinking caps, yo:

1. I've thrown 3 punches in my life, connecting only once. The first of these connections came during a playground fight in the 3rd grade, in which I pinned an annoying fellow by the name of Travis to the ground and let him have it, Scott Farcas-style. My next bout didn't come until the 8th grade, when I took a swing at some guy during a class assembly in the gymnasium. I missed and fell over two rows of students, but I proved my point. My third and final whiff was during my Sophomore year of high school, when I got into a fight with a friend in a Perkins parking lot. The night ended with me getting hit by not only him, but also a car.

2. I have successfully ingested an entire pouch of Big League Chew, and chewed the entire works for over a minute before choking on the baseball-sized gob and spitting it out. I consider myself the only person on the planet who has done this and survived.

3. When I was 13 years old, I did some web design for an escort service in my former hometown of Appleton, Wisconsin. I became friends with the wealthy owner of the company, and was promised a free date with the girl of my choice when I turned 18, along with the keys to his Porsche Boxter for the night. This obviously never transpired, or I would have told you that story by now.

4. A television clip exists of me at the age of 6, on a local Saturday morning kids show hosted by a clown. The theme of the episode was Thanksgiving, and 'Oscar' the clown was asking all of us what Thanksgiving meant to us. As the kids humiliated themselves one-by-one, I am clearly heard in the background making fun of them. When Oscar got to me, he asked me what I thought of Thanksgiving, and I replied with, "I don't know." For the record, I did know, but didn't want to share with him.

5. I have successfully completed Super Mario Brothers 3 for the NES over 150 times, and on one occasion, 30 times in one day. As an additional achievement, I once completed the original Super Mario Brothers while watching the TV reflection in a mirror. I didn't go outside much after 1988.

6. During Freshman year, I broke my right wrist while roller skating in gym class. Chalking it up to random pain and shock, I ignored it and continued on with my day until the arm could no longer function, and turned a dark shade of blue. I eventually made a full and disgusting recovery.

7. During one of my trademark tantrums as a child, I went completely off my nut at a bowling alley over the protest of a gutter ball. The ferocity of my anger, coupled with the slickness of the bowling shoes, allowed me to actually kick myself in the face. I didn't think it was possible, and still don't, really.

8. I've wet the bed one time in my life, and only one time. I was 16.

9. I have literally sat on the lap of Brett Favre; Super Bowl champion, the NFL's only 3-time MVP and my favorite football player of all time. He signed an autograph for me, which was later scribbled over and destroyed by my 5-year-old sister.

10. I once got a Ford Escort up to 106 miles per hour. My normally 21-minute long trip from school took 7 minutes.

There you have it, 10 more bite-sized CDP facts for dissection. Sound off in the comments section about which one or many you think is crap. Spring has sprung; enjoy it.

Also, The Simpsons Movie; July 27, 2007. Good thing or bad thing? Discuss.

I still think it's all true, even the one where you say it's not. The only exception is that I think you didn't actually trademark your tantrum, though that's really just a technicality.

The escort one reminded me of an episode of Ed on NBC where Warren Cheswick hires an escort to accompany him to the senior prom. He nervously meets the proprietor of the escort business at a diner, and when asked what kind of girl he wants, he says, "I'd like a pretty one, please... with a heart of gold."
Yes, it's all true. All hookers have hearts of gold. And they all dream of becoming preschool teachers and pulitzer prize-winning novelists.

Wait, did I say 'hookers?' I meant 'escorts.' They're completely different.


Just to clarify, what I was saying in #3 was that the promised 'date when I turned 18' never happened. Furthermore, by the time I turned 18 I realized why it was a very good thing that never happened. Eeeewwww.

Teenage boys...whaddya gunna do?
Just to clarify once again, in the last comment when I said "Yes, it's all true," I was referring to the Ed quote. I was NOT referring to my fact or crap list.

Whew. Enough clarifying. I need to start being more clear and less opaque.
One more thing...

I just found out that Sufjan Stevens won the New Pantheon (Shortlist) Award. After months of postponing, they finally got around to it, and Illinoise! took home the top spot. Good for him; it was quite a tall order considering the nominees.

I'm not bitter in the least that Arcade Fire didn't win. Nope. If anyone else had to win, I'm glad it was him.
Good for him. I think it's great that he can go and sell over a hundred thousand records on his own label with an album that most majors would consider unmarketable. He's supposed to be working on the next album for the next several months. I wonder if it'll be the next state album or something else.

So I win by default if noone else guesses what's fact or crap, right?
Unrelated note... I saw Death Cab on Saturday night in Tulsa and it was very enjoyable. Enthusiastic sold out crowd in my favorite venue, good times. I was surprised at how full their live sound was, they sounded huge.
If nobody else even bothers to play Fact Or Crap, then you win by default and I vow to never do it again. I'm taking my ball and going home.

Any time I do something even remotely interactive, tumbleweeds blow through the comments section for days, because nobody wants to play. But when I type something from Chuck Norris' point of view or anything else that's...well, stupid, I can't keep up with all the traffic. Come on!

Sorry, I'm being a turd this morning. I hurt my neck this weekend, and I can't turn my head very well. I'm in pain and it was a task to even put a shirt on and wash my hair. I should have called in, but that would jeopardize my strict (1 sick day a week ONLY) policy I hold myself to.

I think Sufjan's working on Rhode Island or Wyoming next. That bummed me out, because I assumed that Wisconsin was right around the corner. He is a true indie success story.

Speaking of which, Death Cab is quite good live. They get the job done for sure. Who opened for them?
A British band called The Cribs. It was nothing to write home about, their sound was pretty muddy and you couldn't understand the words.

Where'd you pick up the news on Sufjan's next state?
I got the info from Wikipedia, and they're never wrong. A quick search revealed this updated nugget of info:

The next states to be taken on in the 50 States Project have been reported as Oregon and Rhode Island.

Minnesota may be another candidate; in late 2005 and early 2006 Stevens played a new instrumental track titled "The Maple River." The river mentioned in the title of the song runs through several counties in southern Minnesota.

Sufjan also recorded "The Lord God Bird"—a song about the ivory-billed woodpecker rediscovered in Arkansas—in connection with a National Public Radio piece.

Ooooh, Arkansas!
Walker told me that all your fact or crap is false.

Check my myspace page soon for some fun stuff... we've got 2 shows booked, and will be putting up some original music very soon.

Maybe that should have been "Check my band's mayspace page"... either way.

I've also decided to bring back the stache. I think I'll have a picture blog up showing time-lapse of the stache-athon.
I know a midget that will kick himself in the face if you give him a dollar. He can even do it with both feet at the same time!
RJ, take a picture of your 'stache every day, then make an animated GIF out of it. That'll blow their minds. Maybe even more than the double-face-kicking midget.

Good job on the upcoming shows, have a good time if I can't make it 'oot to say it to your face.

You don't think any of the facts are real? Not even the Big League Chew one? Come on, man, you've got to give me more credit than that. You're probably right, though. Beats me. I'll tell the answers in a day or two.
I just figured it's like The Price is Right.. whoever's closest without going over, right?
So, you're bidding a dollar. I respect your strategy, kind sir.

Considering that 98.9% of all material that graces the pages of The CDP is fiction, it's a safe bet you're in the running.

I've been bedridden since 1987. On this page, I'm free to be anything I please, which happens to be a struggling writer working in middle management to support his wife and cats. I never cared much for firemen and astronauts.
What the heck, I'll throw in my guess, since not many others are playing.

1. True.
2. False.
3. False.
4. True.
5. True.
6. True.
7. False.
8. True.
9. False.

I didn't put too much thought into any of those, so if I'm completely wrong, whatever. It's just a game.

Regardless of whether or not you were actually on that clown show, I was on it when I was a tot. There was an ostrich puppet.
There is only one that's crap and that rest are fact.
I mean "the" rest are fact.
See Aaron, at least someone can attest to the fact that the Oscar the Clown show existed. Good guesses, too.

Tamara, you need to specify which one is crap.
There's a reason I have a giant clown head on my wall.. it's part of my shrine to Oscar.

Seriously, you'd have to see this thing. Aaron has, and yes, I hung it back up at home. Right at the bottom of the stairs.. first thing you see when you come down.
Sounds terrifying. I'll have to take your word for it, because I ain't coming over if there's even a remote possibility I'm seeing a giant clown head.
Here are my guesses:
1. True-too much detail not to be true…

2. True-I stuck 21 marshmallows in my mouth once… I know that kind of stuff can be done

3. False-I don’t know your age, but I’ll guess you were 13 about ten years ago. So that being 1996ish, escort companies were not that hip yet to even know what the internet was…

4. True-Too weird not to be true

5. False-HA! This is just funny!
6. False-No one rollerblades in gym class… What school would have that!

7. True-Seen it happen.

8. False-All kids wet the bed and no one would admit they wet the bed when they were 16

9. False-no no no…please NO!

10. True-Did this exact thing in my Toyota Tercel when I was 18. Then I totaled it right into the back of another car two blocks from school…

Very fun! Thanks!

I have a picture of the clown online... it's at least 4 feet tall, and has no eyes.
#5 is false the rest are true.

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