Wednesday, April 19

My Last Day On Earth.


Sometimes, I'll have an idea for an essay that bores me about halfway in. I'll do a decent job on the opening act, but get sick of the concept and scrap it right then and there. This happens to me all the time, leaving me with a Word file brimming with half-finished ideas and rubbish.

This is one such unfinished story. Actually, it's a direct plagarism of an episode of The Simpsons, but what isn't?

For April fool's day, I wanted to write an essay about my last day on earth; what I'd do, so on and so forth (see? I'm bored already). In thinking of a circumstance that would give me 24 hours to live on relatively healthy terms, I used the old Fugu trick, immortalized by The Simpsons many a year ago. It was because of this blatant rip-off that I chose not to continue with the story, but still wanted to share the introduction with you. I don't like to give up on posts, no matter how uninspired and weak. Consider this post the Blogger equivalent of a B-side or rarity.

Here then, enjoy the first and only act of 'My Last Day On Earth.'



I should have known better than to prepare the Fugu myself.

According to the doctors, I ingested a lethal amount of toxins when I ate the poisonous fish for dinner last night. I went straight to the hospital, but there was nothing they could do. They say that by 9pm tonight, all my muscles will atrophy and paralyze, and I'll eventually suffocate. They told me to go home and enjoy what little time I had left, and have my wife contact them once I keeled over for documentation purposes.

I was so proud of myself when I caught the fish, considering that Fugu isn't remotely native to this part of the world. I wasn't really even fishing; I hit it with my car on the way home from work. I considered this a sign from above, so despite my oath of vegetarianism and eating poison, I made an exception for this miracle Pufferfish. The Missus did not partake is this venture, and chose to eat rice and beans instead. For that, we are both grateful.

I had never prepared a fish to eat before. I remembered watching my Dad do it when I was younger, and it all seemed so effortless and second-nature. The Fugu's scales are rock-like in nature, and after dulling all of my knives in the process, I opted to swing it around by the tail and beat its head against the refrigerator for several minutes. After my arms got tired, I threw the whole thing into a pot of boiling water, stirring in a stick of butter and a tablespoon of Mrs. Dash.

It tasted like heaven.

My wife kept looking up at me, shaking her head in clear disgust. "I can't believe you're eating that crap," she would say. "If it doesn't kill you, I will."

"You don't understand!" I fired back. "This is a sign! I was meant to eat this fish. You just wait and see."

10 minutes later, she drove me to the emergency room. We took her car, and I threw up four times on the way; once into her air conditioning vent by accident. Long after I'm gone, she'll think of me every time she turns on the heat.

After some embarrassing tests and an unnecessarily stern lecture, the news was broken to us. We were too shocked to cry or be angry, so we just drove home and didn't say much to each other along the way. We got home at 11pm, and finally sat down to talk about the situation. We worked out all of the depressing details, and I got to work making a list of all the things I wanted to do over the next 22 hours.

I fell asleep making the list, and we both woke up at 10am the next day.

(As a closing to this post, do a Google image search for 'delorted' and see what pops up. Fantastic.)

I liked it. It's too bad you won't finish it, but perhaps, in the future, we can see more of your work.

I have the exact same issue when it comes to art. I get bored with a piece after the initial sketch. That I lose my patience and blow three days worth of work just to get it over with.

It's probably best to forget about it for a while and come back to it when you get re-inspired. That's what I keep telling myself anyway.
I would just like to announce the show, June 10, at Raven's... Alloy, RazorFist, and Via Noctis.

Yes Celia, we're going to play with Tyler. Now you have to come.

Yeah, the rule is to put it down and walk away from it for a day or so; then you can see it with fresh eyes. When I was working on my first screenplay, I was amazed at all the things I previously overlooked when I came back to it after a while.

I had an ending for the Fugu story (and a middle), but I just wasn't feeling it. It seemed uninspired after a while. I'm really good at writing intros; I should stick to that full-time.

RJ, we'll be there. We heard the finished copy of the Razor Fist full-length and it sounds amazing.

You guys really schedule your shows far in advance.
Ace gets cut tonight, mark my words.

I've been about 95% on my picks this year, so bet on the CDP!
RJ, where is Raven's?
I just want to say that the Fugu picture rules.

Alloy and Razor Fist in one room...that might exceed the legally allowed amount of metal in one place.
215 E. College Ave in Appleton, yo.
I think you're right about Ace. He was history three weeks ago.

Maybe you should just write the ending to one story and the beginning of another and spend the rest of the time figuring how the two connect.
That's a great idea. When it comes down to it, the second act is the hardest thing to write. Most people write a story with an intro and ending in mind; it's the guts that make it good or bad.

I remember a Kids In The Hall sketch where they just acted out the middle portion of a sketch. Pure brilliance, those Canadians.
It looks like you were right about Ace Young and I'm not surprised about Chris being in the bottom three. It looks like Paris and Elliot are at the tipping point. I also think that unless Taylor does something magical next week, he'll be in the bottom three.

It'd be a real shame if Kellie Pickler made it to the finals.
Yup. I don't think Chris being in the bottom three this week indicates that he's on the fence; I still think Elliott, Paris and (hopefully) Kellie will go over the next 3 weeks.

From what I can gather, Mr. Taylor Hicks has received the #1 amount of votes since the start of the Top 12. Don't quote me on that, though.
That picture of the blowfish all puffed up is my favorite ever.

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