Tuesday, June 27

Give Me Some Skin.

Give me some skin.

To me, the start of summer only means one thing: 90 straight days of mind-blowing sunburns.

As an embarrassingly pale man, getting a sunburn is about as easy as beating Shaq in a game of 'Horse.' I needn't be outside for more than a picosecond to instantly transform my baby-smooth exterior into a mass of pink, stingy nerve endings. From June 3, right up until September 10, I'm rendered freakish and unpleasant in the eyes of friends and neighbors; invitations to parties cease and desist. Nobody wants to see Old Creepy McBurnyface singing karaoke; it tends to bring down a room.

The term 'tan' is not in my vocabulary. This word means nothing to me; sort of like 'zork' and 'scalene.' Unless I liberally lubricate my pores with SPF-Nuclear Holocaust lotion, I'm screwed.

A few years ago, me and the Missus went to an outdoor concert. I asked her to put lotion on my face, making sure she knew how susceptible I was to UV rays. She did not take this warning seriously, and carelessly streaked a few drops of lube across my melon. When the show was over, it looked as if I wanted to highlight certain parts of my forehead that were more important than the others.

And now, an awful story from my childhood.

In the late 80's to early 90's, I helped out on my family's dairy farm during the summer. One summer weekend in particular left me with the Queen Mother of all sunburns on my legs. I had been wearing shorts, and the result left me looking like I was wearing a permanent pair of red socks. from the knees to the ankles, I was charred beyond recognition.

I took care of my crimson legs for days on end, gently soaking and aloe-izing them before I went to bed each night. Even at such a young age, I was an expert at the art of third-degree burn treatment. I had experienced many a sunburn by that point in my life, but I knew that this one was different- even special, somehow. I didn't realize why I felt that way until the big day finally came.

I woke up on a humid Sunday morning and swung my wok-fried stumps over the edge of the bed. That's when I noticed the beginnings of a peel on each of my calves. Wide-eyed, with a skilled and steady hand, I proceeded to peel off my skin like an honest-to-goodness sock, producing two snake-like sheddings, each about a foot long. It took me about a half-hour, and they were absolutely beautiful. I held these giant hunks of flesh up for inspection, and everything suddenly became well worth the wait.

I couldn't let these go to waste. I had to do something with them. But what?

My attention focused to the small, black-and-white television I had in my room. The reception from this TV was horrible, and no matter which way I manipulated the rabbit ears, I got nothing but static and white noise. However, I did notice that the picture came in much better as long as I kept my hands on the antennas.

Scientifically speaking, I now know that the reason for this is because we humans give off a certain amount of electricity, which acts as kind of a booster for the TV antenna. As a child, all I knew was that I couldn't hold onto the antenna and watch the tube at the same time. Perhaps I could fake the TV out somehow, by making it think I was holding onto the rabbit ears.

I think you know where I'm going with this.

Imagine the look on my Mom's face when she walked into my room, only to see me watching a television with two giant balls of human skin affixed to the antennas.

You're a weirdy.
Hey, you can't just peel off about 1% of your total body mass and just toss it away. This was an event!

As a child, this was a huge scientific breakthrough. It didn't work, of course, but I thought it did.

My legs looked exactly like the guy in that picture.
So it's really easy to beat Shaq in a game of H.O.R.S.E.?

The most depressing sunburn I ever had was my first sunburn on my budding bald spot.
Yes, Shaq can't shoot a basket to save his life; he's merely a lumbering giant that can throw elbows and dunk.

I should probably offer more insight into my sports references in the future; not everyone is as socially bankrupt as I.

Budding bald spot, 'eh? So that's why you shave your head. That reminds me of that one Seinfeld episode.
and carelessly streaked a few drops of lube across my melon

Um, ewww.

And damn you for not taking a picture of your skin socks.
Ewww is right.

That story makes me barf every time I hear it. And unfortunately for me, I have to hear it about 8 times per week.
Just wait til you come home and he's got his leg peelings draped on the TV. It'll happen.
We all know that Ryan's skin hasn't seen the sun in months, so I don't expect it will happen anytime soon.
Love that Seinfeld episode, featuring that one guy from Best in Show and A Mighty Wind and Arrested Development as Elaine's boyfriend. Michael Higgins? Favorite (poorly remembered) quote from George: "He's not bald and he shaves his head? That's like using a wheelchair for the fun of it!"
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
I would have taken a photo, but I was quite young at the time. Perhaps I'll draw a crude picture.

Also, sorry about the 'lube' line. I was running out of synonyms.

This is going to be the year I go sunburn-free. I don't care if I have to live in a fallout shelter 'till Autumn, this is going to be my year.

"How much time to I have?"

"Ten months. Maybe fourteen."

"What should I do until then?"

"Live, damn it! LIVE!"
I can't get the image of CDP's skin socks slung over the shower curtain rod like so much pantyhose. Thanks for that.
Now I wish I peeled instead of tanning...if only for a day.
Oh, it's a hoot; you're really missing out. Maybe I'll char my legs on purpose this year just to reclaim my childhood.

Todd, nobody has ever used that sentence before. You're on a roll.
Make sure you take a picture this time. Several, if possible.
When I visited my sister in Hawaii a couple years ago, I burned my legs badly as they were the part that stuck out from the umbrella as I laid on the beach reading. I went to do one of those gliderplane rides over the North Shore, and they warned that it is easy to get sunburned in the glider. So they got me some wet towels to cover my knees and lower thigh. I felt like an old lady. To top it off, the pilot did a couple loop to loop things at my request, and then I immediately puked in the little bag. My ego was soaring that day. This was the same trip where I sunburned my bald spot that I didn't know I had yet.
You have a sister? A sister that lives in Hawaii? I thought I knew you, Paste.

Sounds like you had a rotten time, although it would have made for a funny 22 minutes of television.

I can't remember the name of the scientist that figured this out, but I've heard that a bald spot is actually a solar panel for a sex machine.

When I say 'scientist,' I mean 'the novelty t-shirt place at the mall.'
I'm hoping to go for a mosquito bite-free year. Sunburn-free, too, if I can help it but mostly free of skeeter bites.
I've seen that "scientist" at the mall too. He's the one who told me that Pobody's Nerfect.
Uh-huh. He's also Grandpa's Little Angel.
Ryan,just thought you would like to know, your sister has pagophagia.
Um, did you just use my real name? Don't you know I get death threats because of this page?

She has Pagophagia because she has an iron deficiency. Her body craves it as a substitute. Look it up.
I know, Bill, I just wanted to make you look it up!
That's better.
She lived in Hawaii for a year, as her Marine Reserves husband was stationed there. They're actually from Minneapolis, but now they're living in Florida for another year of active duty.

I love that scene in Bottle Rocket where Dignan is yelling outside the motel about hiding their identities.

#1 Dad, signing off.
Well, I'll be darned.

You've got family all over the nation. This is weird for me, as anyone who's ever been related to me lives within a 100-mile radius of one another. And there's hundreds of us.
I think we saw some of her Pagophagic tendencies when we watched her pulverize an entire thing of ice cubes into ice chips on the kitchen counter and eat them from a cup :)
Yeah, that was weird. At least she's not smoking crack or something.
this sounds amazing ive been looking for something to remove my sunburns ive had them for like 5 years...what kind of aloe vera do you use and where do you get it from????

Post a Comment

<< Home