Friday, January 27Lost Friday - "Fire + Water."
Season 2 - Episode 12 - "Fire + Water."
Another Lost Friday is upon us. We have much to discuss.
Wow. This episode was, how you say...a bit rough. Mainly because the emotion and subject matter brought out the worst in a lot of people, but also because the episode itself was centralized and, well...weak. For a show that takes pride in breakneck storytelling and deep character development, 'Fire + Water' was a break from the usual stride of the show, and that may or may not be a good thing.
(In a drunken stupor, Charlie makes the horrible mistake of breaking into John Shaft's loft.)
First off, let's talk about the episode itself. This Charlie-centric episode focused on his family past, specifically when Drive Shaft was all but washed up, and his brother Liam was a walking shell of a man. His haunting thoughts of the past, coupled with getting kicked out of Claire's tent and his urge to hit the smack again, led to one of the more tripped-out Lost episodes we've seen in a while.
It breaks down like this. Charlie is having dreams about saving Aaron from who-knows what. These vivid dreams are coupled with his past with Liam, trying to clean him up to be a good husband and provider to his new daughter. The main theme of the episode was betrayal, abandonment and faith (as is usually the case here), and in the end of the flashbacks, Liam headed off for Australia to clean up, while Charlie was left alone to pick up the pieces. Well, that takes care of that.
Back on the island, Charlie's not making any friends. His increasingly erratic and dangerous behavior give everyone the impression that he's back on the sauce, and Claire continues to push further and further away. This angers Charlie more, and he sinks to drastic measures to 'save' Aaron.
During a heated conversation with Locke, he takes the remaining Mary statues away from Charlie and explains to him that he 'lost the right to be trusted.' The downward spiral continues through the entire episode, with Charlie doing something crazy to win back the trust of Claire and respect of Locke, and ultimately messing up and sinking lower.
The climax of the episode is when Charlie starts a fire in the jungle to grab the attention of the castaways. When they head off to put the fire out, Charlie snatches Aaron and tries to get him baptized. This leads to a confrontation in front of the entire crew, with Claire running off with the baby, and Locke essentially busting his punk ass up. Later, Charlie promises to Jack that this will never happen again, Aaron and Claire get baptized by Eko, and the show ends.
But wait. One of the last things we see is Locke changing the locks to the gun cellar once again, this time placing the remaining statues inside. What? We're left staring at Charlie as he puts his hood up and stares menacingly into the fire, much like 'The Moth,' where he takes his hood off and does a similar thing.
What They got Right.
Okay, here's what they got right on Wednesday.
They solidified more of Charlie's story, giving us a much-needed background on how he got to where he is now. Trust, abandonment and family are very important to him, and it eventually led to his fall from grace. This is directly reflected on the island, where the very same issues ruin his weekend. Charlie had been lurking in a shadows for a few weeks, and it was nice to shed more light on his problems. He claimed that he didn't use the hidden smack, although he wanted to.
Here's the thing about Charlie, though. He's a damn liar. He's been lying to everyone since the show started. He lied right to Claire and Locke's faces, betraying them and harming Aaron in the process. A lot of people online are angry with Locke for knocking him out, but what would you do if you were in that position? Locke might not be a person that you can trust, but Charlie is making life miserable for Claire and Aaron, so a whooping might have been in order.
On the other side of the coin, where does Claire get off shutting Charlie out of her life? After all, this is the guy who almost got killed trying to save her, murdered Ethan for her, and set out towards the black smoke to steal Aaron back from Rousseau. When a guy does that for you, you may want to consider giving him a break or two. I'll leave that argument up to you.
Another thing people are talking about is Locke. The rumor is that he's working for the Others now, or there's something evil and sinister he's hiding from the rest of the castaways. Judging by his recent behavior, that could be very true, but not yet determined. The next Locke episode won't be for several weeks, so sit tight, let the story unfold, and watch him slowly get crazier and crazier.
What They Got Wrong.
Now, let's talk about why this episode was lacking.
("Let's get outta here, Freckles. This episode sucks.")
First off, everyone should know by now that Lost airs two different sorts of episodes. One is known as a 'Mythology episode,' and another is known as a 'Character episode.' You can't expect the writers to keep dropping island weirdness and secrets on us every week, so a slower-paced 'Character episode' is a good way to break up the non-stop action and confusion. Personally, I'm a bigger fan of the mythology episodes, but I appreciate and understand why they need to slow it down and explain a character's actions every now and then. No problem.
This character episode was full of characters acting far differently than we've seen them in the past. Personally, I think this had everything to do with thin writing and a weak story arc. When the episode starts, Charlie isn't trusted and becomes exiled from the group. When the episode ends, he's in the same position. There's no resolution, the story doesn't move an inch on all fronts, and we're left wondering what just happened. Normally, character episodes exist to slow things down and take in more of the underlying issues, but this week's episode brought the train to a screeching halt. Don't get me wrong, I liked the episode enough, but there were more flaws in it than usual.
The brief conversation between Jack and Ana was the closer for me. They're talking about what happened in the jungle between the hunting party and Zeke last week. Ana asks him what happened, and Jack tells her that Zeke held Kate hostage until they chose to leave.
Ana's response? Well, you saw the episode, you know what she said.
Does that sound at all like something Ana would say in a situation like this? The Others have absolutely terrorized her for two months, killing people and stealing children. Ana impaled one of them, for Christ's sake, and she' not the least bit concerned about any other details? She's a loose-cannon cop, and I completely expected her to head off in search of Zeke by herself.
Remember 'The Other 48 Days?' Remember the hiking and ordering around? Did she forget all the things that are going on around her? I cannot stand it when the castaways don't share vital information with each other, and in this case, the writing was flat-out dishonest to a strong character. She's not Hurley, for crying out loud. As a saving grace, I will argue that Jack and Ana have this light-hearted conversation, because they've spent the last few days in the jungle setting traps and a 'training course' for their soon-to-be-decided Army.
Same deal with Sawyer. Last night, Zeke held Kate hostage and Sawyer vowed revenge. Today? They're awkwardly flirting and doing physical therapy on the beach. Come on!
I'm done complaining, make with the numbers!
(Aaron is one ugly, filthy baby. Thought I'd just throw that in.)
4. So, what's going on with Locke? I don't know, but like Charlie said, 'That bald wanker knows something.' You could almost feel his slow descent into evil during the episode, much like when Boone died in Season One. Why did he keep the statues? Why did he change the lock on the gun cellar without telling anyone? I mentioned before that Charlie is a liar, but Locke has done his share of lying as well. It was his dishonesty about the hatch that led to the death of Boone. He's complicated, possibly crazy, and I'm confused. Let's move on.
8. Where are they getting all the tarps? Do airplanes normally stock up on those things?
15. Libby, Libby, Libby. Here's the deal with her. She's 100% completely nuts. Hurley knows her because they were probably at the mental hospital together. She's not a doctor, she was a patient. I did like the comment about the new washer and dryer in the hatch; confirming theories and suggesting that Dharma & Hanso are still functioning to this day. It'll be interesting to see what happens when the Dharma Food Delivery Guy shows up in a few weeks. Hopefully, he'll bring another gallon of ranch dressing.
16. When Charlie's dreaming about Aaron being in danger, the dove flying out of the frame looked and sounded exactly like the drug plane in Locke's vision last season. Interesting.
23. Next week is a re-run of 'The Numbers.' This seems to state that they are leading back into Hurley/Libby/Number territory in the upcoming weeks. We will find out why Hurley's not losing any weight, among other things.
42. Spoilers Ahoy! By the end of Season Two, we will find out loads more on Dharma, the answer to the Michael/Walt question, why the plane crashed and what happens when you don't push the button. What they will save for Season Three is beyond me.
The next new episode will be broadcast on Wednesday, February 8. Episode 13 will be entitled 'The Long Con,' and will be a Sawyer-centric episode. From the looks of it, we'll be going back to Other territory, as Sun gets attacked in the night by who-knows what. It makes sense that the Others would want Sun, because she's a good person and would probably make very pretty babies. The monster will return, we'll find out more about Sawyer's past, and the Jack/Kate/Locke/Ana power struggle will heat up. More on that next week.
("I will not baptize Aaron. Keep me out of your weak episode.")
Now, just because this week was a 'Character episode,' that doesn't mean that the CDP can't drop some mythology on you. The following theory piece on the Dharma Initiative has been submitted to me by BluStaCon, CDP member and Lost fan. He explains his theories concerning the different stations of the Dharma Initiative, what they're used for and if we've seen them in action yet. My comments are in parenthesis:
The Hanso Life-Extension Project:
This has already been hinted at within the website, but has yet to really make an appearance on the show. This is where my Black Rock survivor theory comes into play. Zeke does look like he could have been a pirate. If I remember correctly there were skeletons on the ship. This leads me to believe something pre existing on the island may be involved.
(The theory here is that some of these Others have been living on the island for a lot longer than we might think, thanks to Hanso's breakthroughs with self-preservation. Could Black Rock survivors still be wandering the island? My opinion is that it's a stretch, but you never know.)
The Hanso Foundation Electromagnetic Research Initiative:
The Hatch is definitely involved in this one. I think that’s a given. What it is, I have no idea. The “Incident” mentioned may have something to do with why the island doesn’t seem to exist on any charts. And why planes from Australia and Nigeria can make it there.
(I agree with this one. The Swan station is certainly the electromagnetic center of the island, and it's still fully functional, thanks to the castaways and Desmond. I'm sticking with my satellite theory on this one, which says that they are preventing rescue by hitting the button, as it causes the island to go invisible in the eyes of watching satellites. It explains how Dharma has gone on for so long without detection, the reason for the button, and the reason for the 'incident.')
The Hanso Quest for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence:
Possibly a quest into what caused the island’s mysterious properties. Also may explain the controlling force that is bringing these seemingly random people close together.
(This might also have to do with the 'monster,' specifically, what gives it its powerful killing power. However, if they happen to stumble across an alien or UFO on the island, I'll seriously never watch again.)
The Hanso Mathematical Forecasting Initiative:
A way to predict the future with numbers. Might be involved with The Numbers. That would explain why Hurley could win the lottery playing them. They could be one of the products of the research. When they are used together they may unlock some kind of power on their own. That is why the results of their use are wrapped up with bad events, like Hurley’s life.
(In my opinion, the Numbers are one of the biggest mysteries on this show. Think about it. They were being broadcast from the island longer than 16 years ago, led people to depression, wealth and suicide, are linked with every castaway, and act as a sort of siren song, drawing people to the island. That's just weird, and I don't know if the writers will ever be able to fully explain what they mean.)
The Hanso Cryogenics Development Imperative:
I think we may meet some interesting characters from the past with this one.
(I don't even want to get into this one. The show is complicated enough without frozen corpses coming back to life. Besides, do we really need another character?)
The Hanso Juxtapositional Eugenics Development Institute:
Aaah, the most interesting one of all. Here are two definitions from the wikipedia. Juxtaposition is an act or instance of placing two things close together or side by side. This is often done in order to compare/contrast the two, to show similarities or differences, etc. Eugenics is a social philosophy which advocates the improvement of human hereditary traits through social intervention. The goals have variously been to create more intelligent people, save society resources, lessen human suffering and reduce health problems. Proposed means of achieving these goals most commonly include birth control, selective breeding, and genetic engineering. Critics argue eugenics is a pseudoscience, that it has a potential for "objectifying" human characteristics, and that historically it has been a means whereby social thinking culminated in coercive state-sponsored discrimination and human rights violations, even genocide.
(If you read and understand that, you can pretty much piece together exactly what the Others are up to. Utopian societies need new, 'good' people to continue the bloodline, and the Others are making sure their work will not die.)
Good work, BluStaCon!
(I threw in Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking a guy just to boost morale around here.)
Wow, this was a long post. As always, here are links to every last one of my Lost Friday writings. Sure, they're nice to have around for entertainment purposes, but after a while they start to get needy, drunk-dialing you three times a week and begging for you to take them back. Sheesh, let it go:
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 11 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 10 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 5
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 4
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 3
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 9 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 8 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 7 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 6 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 2
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 5 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 4 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 3 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 1 REVIEW
SEASON TWO PREVIEW
Wednesday, January 25Post #300.
Well, well, well. Here we are.
Almost two years in, and the CDP has reached Post #300. Thank you for stopping in, sounding off and contacting me over the last 23 months; I really appreciate it and hope it continues.
In the first month that the CDP was launched, I got 4 actual hits that weren't from myself or the Missus. As of January 2006, the CDP brings in an average of 300 hits a day, and an average of 9,000 hits a month. That may be embarrassingly low in comparison to more popular blogs, but considering that the CDP consists entirely of my obsessive ranting and raging egotism, it means a lot to me. I'm a sucker for small victories, so I'll take them when I can. The taste is always smooth, never bitter.
The CDP celebrates its second birthday on February 12, so we can talk more about the page then. For this post, I wanted to look back on the 300 posts that got us to this point. If this were a TV show, you'd probably call it an episode guide. However, this is not a TV show, it's a blog. So instead of an episode guide, you'd call it a disappointing blog clip show. Enjoy the boring goodness, while I take another day off.
February 2004 - (15 Posts):
2/27/2004 - Ulcers Be Damned!
2/26/2004 - 40 Degree February.
2/25/2004 - Idiot Box.
2/23/2004 - Infant a Go-Go.
2/20/2004 - (Untitled.)
2/19/2004 - Here Comes the Science.
2/18/2004 - (Untitled.)
2/18/2004 - We Love the Subs!
2/17/2004 - Comments Abound!
2/16/2004 - Sheet Envy.
2/13/2004 - (Untitled.)
2/13/2004 - (Untitled.)
2/12/2004 - (Untitled.)
2/12/2004 - Questions? Comments? Concerns?
2/12/2004 - Hey you!
March 2004 - (12 Posts):
3/31/2004 - This Is The Sound Of Settling.
3/24/2004 - Top Ten List - Part 1.
3/22/2004 - Butter Your Buns.
3/19/2004 - A New Man.
3/17/2004 - 3 Years Ago.
3/16/2004 - 2% Skim.
3/15/2004 - Punching Out.
3/10/2004 - Terror Alert: Elevated
3/08/2004 - Clear!
3/04/2004 - Tinted Aviator Glasses.
3/03/2004 - Tom Landry's Hat!
3/02/2004 - Damn Smarch Weather.
April 2004 - (14 Posts):
4/29/2004 - INT. APARTMENT - AFTERNOON
4/28/2004 - The Wizard Needs Food Badly.
4/26/2004 - My Head A-Splode.
4/22/2004 - Gone Screenwriting!
4/19/2004 - KA-BOOM!
4/16/2004 - Pleasing Bat Boy.
4/15/2004 - We're On Cloud Nine!
4/13/2004 - "Girl-Dude."
4/09/2004 - Celebrity Fan Mail!
4/08/2004 - Good Eye, Sniper.
4/07/2004 - Mission Accomplished.
4/06/2004 - Error!
4/05/2004 - "Good Morning, Dark Lord."
4/01/2004 - The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest.
May 2004 - (12 Posts):
5/27/2004 - Sinneslochen Syndrome.
5/23/2004 - The Polybius Legend.
5/17/2004 - 8 Hours In.
5/14/2004 - Everything Is A-OK.
5/12/2004 - New Wave Jacket!
5/10/2004 - Ta-Daa!
5/10/2004 - Yeee-Haw!
5/07/2004 - Da' System...Is Down.
5/07/2004 - Mr. Fancy Stamps.
5/05/2004 - PHASE II
5/04/2004 - One Dollar, Bob.
5/03/2004 - Albino Rhino.
June 2004 - (7 Posts):
6/28/2004 - Fool Me Once...
6/24/2004 - 06-19-2004
6/16/2004 - We're As Dead As Disco, Baby.
6/13/2004 - Paid Endorsement.
6/09/2004 - Bring Your Mitten Clips.
6/08/2004 - I'll Mess With Texas.
6/04/2004 - Casual Friday.
July 2004 - (7 Posts):
7/27/2004 - SKA-mmunist Dance Party!
7/25/2004 - Upside-Down Exclamation Point.
7/20/2004 - "Janna Has A Chin."
7/15/2004 - Hear You Me!
7/14/2004 - Search Me!
7/09/2004 - Sick Day.
7/06/2004 - My Pet Goat.
August 2004 - (9 Posts):
8/30/2004 - I Am The Secretary.
8/27/2004 - Casual August.
8/23/2004 - Fat Kid Dunk Tank.
8/16/2004 - Dagger Vision.
8/15/2004 - Fondue For Two.
8/09/2004 - Marinated String Cheese.
8/06/2004 - American Idiot.
8/04/2004 - Sick Day - Part Deux
8/01/2004 - Candy Mountain.
September 2004 - (7 Posts):
9/28/2004 - New Wave Mustache.
9/24/2004 - Back For The Attack!
9/17/2004 - White Collar Concussion.
9/14/2004 - Bat Boy Sez...
9/10/2004 - My September 9-11.
9/06/2004 - Stairs Make A Man Mean.
9/01/2004 - My Day Off.
October 2004 - (13 Posts):
10/28/2004 - 20 Scariest Movie Moments!
10/28/2004 - Lifting The Curse.
10/27/2004 - Pure Filler.
10/25/2004 - Bush: Portrait of a Serial Killer.
10/22/2004 - Country Mu-Suck.
10/21/2004 - Wicked Good.
10/19/2004 - Letting Off The Happiness.
10/15/2004 - Polk!
10/12/2004 - Taboo Corduroy Photo Shoot.
10/10/2004 - The Price I Pay.
10/08/2004 - Haiku Friday.
10/04/2004 - Jitterized.
10/01/2004 - Electile Dysfunction.
November 2004 - (14 Posts):
11/29/2004 - The Last Wobbler.
11/26/2004 - Tofurkey Depression.
11/23/2004 - Roses Taped To Your Windshield.
11/19/2004 - I've Got Perfect Words To Say.
11/18/2004 - It's Killing My Buzz.
11/15/2004 - Monkey Is Not A Color.
11/12/2004 - Scott Peterson Guilty.
11/10/2004 - Violence Good! Sex Bad!
11/09/2004 - Meet Me When We're 10 Years Older.
11/07/2004 - I'd Kill For A Pool Table.
11/05/2004 - Post #100.
11/02/2004 - I Reject Your Reality.
11/02/2004 - Right Now.
11/01/2004 - I Have A Plan.
December 2004 - (15 Posts):
12/31/2004 - Top 10 Of Everything.
12/29/2004 - We Got A Winner!
12/27/2004 - A Cure For Insomnia.
12/23/2004 - Worst Christmas Ever.
12/23/2004 - My Project Jacket In The Attic.
12/19/2004 - Just Like Heaven.
12/18/2004 - Fingers Touching Knees Through Holes Of Ripped Jeans.
12/16/2004 - Your Boyfriend Sucks.
12/14/2004 - C.D.P. Year In Review!
12/13/2004 - Peterson Sentenced To Death.
12/10/2004 - The Best & Worst Of 2004.
12/09/2004 - Wilhelm Screamroller.
12/06/2004 - Communist Cuddle Party.
12/03/2004 - Yesterday Is My Day.
12/01/2004 - Sweeps Month.
January 2005 - (10 Posts):
1/31/2005 - Tainted Lovespell.
1/27/2005 - January Photo Colonic.
1/26/2005 - Biggest Downer Ever. (Welcome Back!)
1/21/2005 - Cool Water Air Freshener.
1/17/2005 - The Midnight Rant.
1/14/2005 - The Routine.
1/12/2005 - More Than You Needed To Know.
1/10/2005 - I Just Don't Understand.
1/07/2005 - Faster Than A Shorthand Bullet.
1/03/2005 - Monday - January 3 – 2005.
February 2005 - (10 Posts):
2/26/2005 - My First Job. (Part IV - "Customer")
2/24/2005 - We'll Never Be Like This Again.
2/22/2005 - My First Job. (Part III - "Explosion")
2/20/2005 - My First Job. (Part II - "Death")
2/18/2005 - My First Job. (Part I - "Intro")
2/17/2005 - Mr. Electric Shock!
2/11/2005 - You're Still Here?
2/09/2005 - It's Still Summer Somewhere.
2/06/2005 - Who's Going To Be The Odd Man Out?
2/03/2005 - I Won't Remember Anyone Anymore.
March 2005 - (1o Posts):
3/29/2005 - No Room For Humans.
3/26/2005 - Weather's Here, Wish You Were Beautiful.
3/23/2005 - Mapless In The Open Sea.
3/21/2005 - Chinese Sky Candy.
3/16/2005 - Duke Sucks/Adventures In Broadcasting.
3/11/2005 - The Search Is Over.
3/09/2005 - 5 Miles In 52 Days.
3/07/2005 - Smarch!/My Mini-Vacation. (Part 2 of 2)
3/04/2005 - My Mini-Vacation. (Part 1 of 2)
3/01/2005 - Let's Go Away For A While.
April 2005 - (14 Posts):
4/30/2005 - I'm Going To Puke My Pants.
4/29/2005 - You're Creepy.
4/27/2005 - Our Girls Were Looking So Good.
4/24/2005 - She Is Your Marrow, And Your Ride Home.
4/22/2005 - Cooler By The Lake.
4/20/2005 - This Is How These Things Get Started.
4/18/2005 - Double Nerd Score.
4/15/2005 - A Dozen Bad Stories.
4/14/2005 - You're A Woman, I'm A Machine.
4/11/2005 - A Killer Game Of Crisco Twister.
4/08/2005 - The Rusty Taste Of Failure.
4/04/2005 - I Can't Look You In The Eye.
4/03/2005 - Springing Forward.
4/01/2005 - Spring's Untold Wonders.
May 2005 - (13 Posts):
5/31/2005 - Walk Toward The Light.
5/28/2005 - Uderbraten.
5/27/2005 - A Little Off The Top.
5/26/2005 - E=MC Hammer.
5/24/2005 - I'm Your Only Friend, I'm Not Your Only Friend.
5/20/2005 - I Could Beat Shaq At "HORSE".
5/18/2005 - Baby, You Got A Stew Goin'!
5/16/2005 - Thunderstorm Grilling Techniques.
5/11/2005 - Motivationizal Seminizar.
5/09/2005 - Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now.
5/07/2005 - We Got Movie Sign!
5/05/2005 - My Time Off. (Two & Two.)
5/03/2005 - Let's Pretend We Don't Exist.
June 2005 - (10 Posts):
6/29/2005 - Toronto Diary - Day Three.
6/28/2005 - Toronto Diary - Day Two.
6/27/2005 - Toronto Diary - Day One.
6/16/2005 - Mountie vs. Fishing Guide.
6/14/2005 - Two Thousand Days & Counting.
6/11/2005 - Where's My Promotion?
6/09/2005 - It's Like Stealing Television!
6/08/2005 - I Don't Dream Good.
6/05/2005 - Why Can't I Have One For Myself?
6/03/2005 - Hired Goons.
July 2005 - (14 Posts):
7/28/2005 - Everybody Knows That Girls Love Robots.
7/24/2005 - Grilled Cheese America.
7/23/2005 - Dead Men Don't Tell Secrets, Do They?
7/21/2005 - I Was Almost Beautiful Once.
7/17/2005 - Post #200 - Part 3 Of 3.
7/17/2005 - Post #200 - Part 2 Of 3.
7/17/2005 - Post #200 - Part 1 Of 3.
7/14/2005 - Toronto Diary - Day Seven & Eight.
7/10/2005 - Freelance Ahoy!
7/09/2005 - Toronto Diary - Day Six.
7/07/2005 - Toronto Diary - Day Five Point Five.
7/05/2005 - Toronto Diary - Day Five.
7/03/2005 - Halftime. (Drink & Regret.)
7/01/2005 - Toronto Diary - Day Four.
August 2005 - (11 Posts):
8/30/2005 - Bring It On, Mr. Little.
8/28/2005 - We Will Become Silhouettes.
8/26/2005 - Wood Paneling Conservatory.
8/22/2005 - Raise Your Glasses.
8/19/2005 - "The Sky Just Exploded."
8/18/2005 - Dirt Nap.
8/14/2005 - Football Fantasy.
8/11/2005 - 50 Signs Of My Apocalypse.
8/08/2005 - That Was A Washboard Break.
8/04/2005 - Six Smaller Bold Headlines.
8/02/2005 - Anesthetic For The Amputee.
September 2005 - (11 Posts):
9/28/2005 - Neighborhood #5 (CDP)
9/26/2005 - "You?"
9/24/2005 - The Red, White & Black.
9/21/2005 - Insect Karma Revolt.
9/20/2005 - Link Party.
9/16/2005 - Ask A Cheap-Ass Pirate.
9/14/2005 - Lost: Season Two Preview.
9/10/2005 - The CDP Fall TV Preview.
9/08/2005 - Checks Will Not Be Honored.
9/05/2005 - Talk Nerdy To Me.
9/01/2005 - Increase Speed, Drop Down, Reverse Direction.
October 2005 - (16 Posts):
10/30/2005 - Puttin' On The Moustache.
10/28/2005 - Lost Friday - Rerun Edition.
10/27/2005 - Best News EVER.
10/26/2005 - Return Of The Link Party.
10/23/2005 - You Make Me Sick.
10/21/2005 - Lost Friday - Volume 3.
10/19/2005 - The Wayback Machine.
10/18/2005 - The Perfect Cartoon.
10/16/2005 - Ask A Cheap-Ass Pirate. (Volume 2)
10/14/2005 - Lost Friday - Volume 2.
10/13/2005 - "It's My Costume."
10/10/2005 - Rinse And Spit.
10/07/2005 - Sweet Merciful Crap.
10/05/2005 - Rejected Advice Columns.
10/03/2005 - This Is Just Mean.
10/01/2005 - Final Fantasy.
November 2005 - (20 Posts):
11/30/2005 - I Don't Know Where Everything Is.
11/29/2005 - CDP Wayback Machine: Drunk Edition.
11/27/2005 - Twenty-Two.
11/25/2005 - Lost Friday - "Collision."
11/23/2005 - 50 Things I'm Thankful For.
11/20/2005 - "Did They Take Her Kidneys?"
11/18/2005 - Lost Friday - "The Other 48 Days."
11/16/2005 - Men Are Stupid: Example #180,986.
11/15/2005 - Game, Set & Munch.
11/13/2005 - Let's Go To The Mall.
11/11/2005 - Lost Friday - Episode 6.
11/10/2005 - CDP Wayback Machine - Sexy Results.
11/09/2005 - Support Your Local Cat.
11/08/2005 - Intro-Feedback-Setup-Punchline-Repeat.
11/07/2005 - Link Party - Tired & Lazy Edition.
11/06/2005 - Wayback Machine - Angry Left Wing Edition.
11/04/2005 - Lost Friday - Son Of A Rerun Edition.
11/03/2005 - Chink In The Armor.
11/02/2005 - Off The Record.
11/01/2005 - No Comment - 2004 Edition.
December 2005 - (17 Posts):
12/29/2005 - The Party's Over. (Year Of The Me!)
12/27/2005 - CDP Year In Review.
12/23/2005 - Lost Friday - Christmas Edition.
12/22/2005 - Take Out Your Short List.
12/21/2005 - Best & Worst Of 2005.
12/20/2005 - Please Stand By.
12/19/2005 - Top 20 Albums Of 2005 - Part 4 Of 4.
12/17/2005 - Link Party - Year End 2004 Edition.
12/16/2005 - Lost Friday - Rerun Edition Rerun.
12/15/2005 - Top 20 Albums Of 2005 - Part 3 Of 4.
12/14/2005 - Top 20 Albums Of 2005 - Part 2 Of 4.
12/13/2005 - Top 20 Albums Of 2005 - Part 1 Of 4.
12/11/2005 - Razor Burn.
12/09/2005 - Lost Friday - "Rerun Edition Strikes Back."
12/07/2005 - The Not Top 10.
12/04/2005 - Bold & Brassy, Texas-Style!
12/02/2005 - Lost Friday - "What Kate Did."
January 2006 - (19 Posts and counting):
1/25/2006 - Post #300.
1/24/2006 - Link Party - Post #299 Edition.
1/23/2006 - 53 Random Facts About Chuck Norris.
1/22/2006 - Sunday Conversation-Sponsored By Ford.
1/20/2006 - Lost Friday - "The Hunting Party."
1/19/2006 - Jeep Pizza. (FOX Sucks.)
1/17/2006 - 10 Stupid Jobs.
1/16/2006 - I'm Having A Dream.
1/13/2006 - Lost Friday - "The 23rd Psalm."
1/12/2006 - New Pantheon Shortlist Revealed.
1/11/2006 - Would You Be Mine? Could You Be Mine?
1/10/2006 - Sucks To Be You. (I Know, I Know.)
1/09/2006 - On Getting My Head Chainsawed Off.
1/06/2006 - Maybe The Bluths Aren't Worth Saving.
1/05/2006 - CDP Playoff Preview.
1/04/2006 - Year Of The Snake.
1/03/2006 - Harry Potter-The IMAX Experience.
1/01/2006 - The Resolution.
1/01/2006 - Welcome To The CDP!
If any of those sound interesting to you, hit them up in the archives. This was quite cleansing for me; I think it's what a colonic might feel like. For you, it's like watching white paint dry.
Happy 300th Post to me. Start the conversation in the comments section; Lost Friday saves the day in 48 hours.
Tuesday, January 24Link Party - Post #299 Edition.
(Rocking harder than an Alien interrogation.)
1. Hey, what are you watching this week?
American Idol (FOX) – 7:00-9:00pm
(The first-round auditions continue across the nation.)
American Idol (FOX) – 7:00-8:00pm
(Presumably, this will be the end of the first-round auditions.)
Lost (ABC) – 8:00-9:00pm
(Season 2 – Episode 12 – “Fire & Water.”)
Mythbusters (DISC/TiVo) – 8:00-9:00pm
(The triumphant return of the Death Ray!)
That 70’s Show (FOX) – 7:00-7:30pm
(I can’t stand this show, but I watch it out of habit. Hooray for the last season!)
Everybody Hates Chris (UPN/TiVo) – 7:00-7:30pm
(Best series on UPN, hands down. That’s not saying much, but who doesn’t like Chris Rock?)
My Name Is Earl (NBC) – 8:00-8:30pm
(Do I really need to tell you about this show?)
The Office (NBC) – 8:30-9:00pm
(Seriously, let the Office into your home. You’ll thank me.)
2. Hey, what are you reading?
Blink, the same book I’ve been crawling through since Christmas, and the latest issue of Skeptic magazine, featuring the Mythbusters! I'm about one puzzle into my new Sudoku book, which has me reeling for some reason. I used to knock them out in minutes when they were in Games magazine, now my brain seems to have shut down in that sector. It probably has something to do with when that back-alley drug deal went bad, and those 15 kids dragged me out of my car and beat me with baseball bats.
3. Hey, what are you listening to?
Here are the last 10 albums that have been sung along to in the CDP Mobile. Feel free to mock and judge:
Coheed & Cambria - Good Apollo, I’m Burning Star IV
The Gadjits – At Ease
Supersystem – Always Never Again
Blue Oyster Cult – Agents Of Fortune
Juiceboxxx – Are You There God? It’s Me, Juiceboxxx
Run-D.M.C. – Greatest Hits
Neutral Milk Hotel – In the Aeroplane over the Sea
Matt Pond PA – Several Arrows Later
Josh Rouse – Nashville
Polysics – Polysics or Die!!!
4. Hey, what’s the rest of the CDP Network talking about?
Before you go clicking on other CDP Network links, you should make sure you've read everything here for the month of January. I've been pretty happy with the material and layout since I changed the format at the start of the year. Make sure you're all caught up, because I'm incredibly witty and talented, and you're not going to want to miss out. I even got myself a sponsor this month.
Once you're done with that, head on over to The Girl From Mars, where the Missus sounds off on her new job as well as her brother's new band. She hasn't had a lot of time to update or post here in recent weeks due to the nature of her job, so make sure you pop in and say something nice to her.
I Think This Is My Exit sounds off on alcohol, music, books and exploits; not necessarily in that order. He's been updating the page almost as much as me, which is borderline obsessive and sick.
Sandbox Films lets us in on his best-of 2005 list. He updates about once every fiscal year, so there's really no rush here.
Same deal with Let's Eat Paste. He has a rerun up concerning one of his earliest (and funniest) posts. I think we're still waiting on his first post of 2006.
Swimming In An Ocean talks about life in the armed forces, Chaotic Ryan talks about work and relationships, and Todd's Cavalcade Of Whimsy takes us to a hockey game, but not before we dig deep into what people are searching for when they find his page.
Finally, Tyler Maas, my latest addition to the Network, shares with us the essays he writes for his college paper. He's funny, and can get away with a lot more stuff than I can here.
5. Hey, what’s going on this week?
Not much, I don’t think. The Missus is going to a co-worker gathering on Thursday, leaving me home alone and succeptable to an ambush Chuck Norris attack. I need to go shopping for my Sister’s upcoming birthday, and I owe myself a haircut so I don’t look sloppy. Last weekend, I treated myself to an armload of shirts from Express and the Buckle, when what I really needed was a tie, some new shoes and khakis for work. My collection of sexy, small shirts continues to mount, while I honestly think I own 3 pairs of decent pants.
Come to think of it, I have no idea why I should continue to purshase ties until I learn how to actually tie them on my own. The ties that I do have in my closet are ‘pre-tied,’ which means I had my Grandpa tie them for me over a year ago, and I’m just really careful about not yanking them apart. I'm working on trying to reverse the dress code at my place of business, as I tend to dress a lot classier when I'm wearing jeans. Khakis don't work on me, and they hinder me from utilizing a lot of nice clothes I have. I actually look far more presentable on Fridays.
6. Hey, when's your 300th post?
My next post will mark #300 for the CDP, just a couple weeks before its 2nd birthday (February 12). Stop in and say nice things so I don't blow my brains out.
Monday, January 2353 Random Facts About Chuck Norris.
(Becoming an Internet Phenomenon, one mistake at a time. I'll never show this photo again.)
I know I'm a little behind on the Internet Phenomenon that is 'Random Facts About Chuck Norris,' but better late than never, 'eh? It's really about time that we, as a nation, embraced a true icon of American TV and film, in all his roundhouse-kicking glory.
Never one to miss out on a chance to increase my traffic, I'm on board. I've compiled this list by sifting through hundreds of Norris facts and selecting the one's I thought were the best. Because I know funny, this is pretty much the best collection you'll find on the web.
This list is hilarious; if one doesn't get you, the next five will. Enjoy, while I take the day off.
(Feel the crippling power of Norris!)
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris does not hunt, because the word ‘hunting’ infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
4. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
5. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
6. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
7. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
8. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming ‘Law and Order’ are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
9. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
10. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
11. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
12. President Bush DID have a sure fire plan to end the war in Iraq; However, Chuck Norris was busy that day.
13. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
14. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
15. As a teen, Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later, the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated team in professional football history.
16. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured the man’s blindness. Sadly, the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse kick delivered by Chuck Norris.
17. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the hell down.
18. Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.
19. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
20. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
21. Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.
22. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
23. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this glitch, Norris replied, "That's no glitch," and proceeded to kill them with a devastating roundhouse kick.
24. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
25. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
26. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
27. At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.
28. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wise Man. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard.” Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after, all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
29. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
30. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more “humane.”
31. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling “Bang!”
32. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise.” It starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons; and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
33. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” After you ask, “Two seconds till what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
34. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
35. Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
36. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
37. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records, it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
38. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
39. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
40. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
41. When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
42. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
43. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
44. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
45. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry; the man ate an Indian.
46. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
47. When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
48. In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be "Norrisized".
49. Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
50. When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
51. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
52. The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
53. An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds awesome.
I've read this list like, 8 times now, and it's still funny. Create your own 'Random Fact About Chuck Norris,' or just sound off in the comments section.
Before you go, I have a Commie Award to hand out!
The lastest Commie Award goes out to Head Coach Bill Cowher and the Pittsburgh Steelers, who are the first #6 seed to reach the Superbowl. More impressive still, they are the first NFL team to beat the #1, #2 and #3 teams on the road (Cincinnati, Indianapolis and Denver, in that order). Amazing. Look for them to make history when they beat the Seattle Seahawks in the Extra Large Bowl.
Okay, I'm outta here.
Sunday, January 22Sunday Conversation-Sponsored By Ford.
"Dude, what's with the banner ad?"
Okay, so here's the deal. Last week, I was ranting about all the good shows that FOX has cancelled over the last few years. One that I forgot to bring up was Grounded For Life, which ran on FOX for about a season and a half before they pulled the plug on it.
If you've never seen the show, it ran for 2 seasons on FOX, smack-dab in the middle of their amazing Sunday night lineup a few years ago. Me and the Missus seriously watched every episode of Grounded until FOX canned it. It was eventually picked up by WB, but the first season remains by far their best work, in my opinion.
The show is simply about a young couple raising their 3 kids in suburbia. The writing was hip and current, the characters were flawed and believable, and the woman who plays Claudia was and still is super-cute. Even the Missus liked this show, which is far more of a selling point than I could ever make on my own. Plus, the guy from Office Space that gets paralyzed is on it, and he's always funny.
Surprising enough to me, the CDP was being watched by someone who does promotion for Anchor Bay, the production company for Grounded. Because the CDP takes in a fair amount of hits from people looking for TV and pop culture-related business, they wanted to know if I would mention Grounded's upcoming DVD release, and made me an offer for the ad space.
The offer? A 2-pound bag of M&M's and a guest spot on an upcoming episode of 'That 70's Show.' Well, not really. It was actually a little better than that.
Now, you know me. I'm not a salesman. I've made attempts in the past to get rid of all advertising on this page, even when I was sure it would make me money. However, in this case, I really do like Grounded For Life. It's not every day that you're propositioned to talk about something that you'd gladly talk about for free. I jumped at the chance, and here we are.
If you're interested, click on the link and give it a look see. There's a lot of clips and whatnot to check out.
Oh, and another thing, the guy who plays the Dad on this show used to play 'Jimmy the cab driver,' that sweaty, jittery guy that did those great MTV PSA's in the 90's:
And just in case anyone else is reading, here's a brief list of 10 things that I would also enjoy talking about:
Mini Coopers and the MINI corporation (see sidebar link)
Arrested Development & Imagine Television (see sidebar link)
Lost & Bad Robot Productions (see sidebar link)
Godiva Chocolates & Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream
The 2006 Porsche Boxter
Nintendo, Nintendo Gamecube and Nintendo Revolution
OBEY Clothing & Propaganda (see sidebar link)
Express Men, Target and Best Buy stores
Later. I'll be back with this week's Commie Award, and the funniest post I didn't write.