Friday, April 14

Lost (Good) Friday - "S.O.S."

Lost Friday.
Season Two - Episode 19 - "S.O.S."

Another Lost Friday is upon us. We have much to discuss.

Well, now we're getting somewhere. This was one of the few episodes where more things were answered than questioned (unheard of!). People spoke up when they had something to say, secrets were shared and characters acted like the characters we've come to know (blasphemy!). It was a strong episode that perfectly ushered us into two weeks of reruns (one rerun and one clip show), with a cliffhanger that will essentially bug the hell out of us until May 3.

Speaking of bugging the hell out of me, here's The Skinny, courtesy of Wikipedia, the best non CDP page on the web:

("If there's not a prize in this cereal, I'm through with brand loyalty.")

In the flashback, Bernard and Rose meet for the first time when he helps her get her car unstuck from the snow. As he is about to leave, Rose stops him and asks if he would like to have coffee with her. Five months later, while the two are at Niagara Falls, Bernard proposes to Rose. Rose tells him that she is terminally ill and only has a few months to live, but Bernard wants to marry her anyway. Bernard brings Rose to Australia for their honeymoon, but reveals that he was taking her to a faith healer named Isaac. Rose reluctantly agrees to meet with Isaac.

Another shameless plug for Oceanic.
("Heyyyy...wasn't that Rose; the black woman from the island?")

Isaac says that there are points of energy in the world, and his home is on top of one. He channels that power and heals people with it. However, Isaac tells Rose that he cannot cure her because the magnetic spot in Australia is not reacting to her, but she might react to one of the other spots out in the world. Rose decides to tell Bernard that she has been cured so he won't spend the remainder of their time together making other attempts to save her life. At the airport, Rose drops one of her pills, but a wheelchair-bound Locke picks it up for her, revealing that Rose is aware of Locke recovering the use of his legs.

Bernard and the extras.
("Okay, listen up! WHO IN THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE!?")

On the island, Bernard is frustrated with the growing complacency of the islanders. He attempts to marshal a group of people, some of whom he does not know the names of, in order to build a sign so airplanes and photography satellites know there are people on the island.

Draw a happy little hatch.
(Of course, he had to write over the top of my favorite french poem.)

Meanwhile, in the hatch, Locke is attempting to redraw the map he saw from memory. He ignores the blaring timer on the counter, but enters the code and presses the button when Jack asks. Jack then tells "Henry Gale" that he is going to go find the Others and propose a trade for Walt. "Henry" says the Others will never hand Walt back over.

How do you say 'jerk' in Korean?
("Screw you, Bernard. I'm going to go and sleep with my insanely hot wife.")

Bernard, with his task force assembled, tries to corral them into following his commands for building the sign. Rose undermines his efforts when she claims that building such a sign will only endow the survivors with false hope. Bernard, crushed, attempts to get the project underway regardless. He does so belligerently, and gradually his supporters drift away.

I'm Matthew Fox, so no funny stuff.
("If you don't start talking soon, I'll put peanut butter in your pants and send Vincent in here. Same deal if you do start talking, but I'll send in Kate instead.")

In the hatch, Locke, goes over to the gun closet to talk to "Henry Gale", who has stopped speaking, eating and drinking. Locke bangs on the door and asks if Henry really did not push the button during the lockdown. "Henry" does not answer, sitting quietly and grinning smugly to himself.

What child won't want one?
(This takes me back; playing with horrifyingly battered dolls on a deserted island.)

On the island, Rose and Locke are talking and Rose hints that both of them have benefited from the island's healing power. Rose goes to Bernard and admits she had lied to him about being healed in Australia, but she says she has now been healed on the island. She fears that if she leaves the island, her illness will return and she will die. Bernard tells her that he will stay on the island with her and abandons his project. Meanwhile, Locke returns to the Hatch and begins to redraw the blastdoor map.

Can I borrow a cup of shirt?
("Jesus, look at the size of that stool!")

Jack plans to contact the Others and exchange "Henry" for Walt. Jack and Kate head out to the location of their previous confrontation. En route, they are briefly captured in one of Rousseau's traps but free themselves. Kate reveals the existence of the medical hatch to Jack and tells him she had withheld the information from him because he hadn't told her about "Henry." When they arrive at the site, Jack calls out for the Others but gets no apparent response. They camp at the site and as they are talking, they see somebody coming at them from the woods. It is Michael.

I'm Mike D, and I'm back from the dead.
(Even in a delirious haze, he still has the energy to scream 'WALT!')


There you be. I want to draw attention to Bernard's quote to Eko, "I liked you better when you just hit people with your stick." I plan on using that quote as often and as inappropriately as possible.

"Hey CDP, did you get those performance evaluations I sent you? Your job depends on it."

"You know, boss, I liked you better when you just hit people with your stick."

Try to come up with the worst possible situations to use that line; it's fun! Way more fun than...

The Numbers:

Oh my God, I live in Australia.
("I sense a tonsilectomy in your future.")

4 - When Issac was trying to cure Rose, he had a reaction much like the one that Claire's psychic had with her. Keep in mind that both these people are in Australia, so they may have a connection to each other, or DHARMA in general. The evil on the island is strong, and can be sensed by these folks who are sensitive to energy.

Issac told Rose that the magnetic energy by his home allowed him to harness it for healing powers, but this particular energy wasn't working on Rose. Of course, the strong electromagnetic energy from the Swan hatch is working just fine on Rose, as it had worked for Locke, too. Rose is the only person on the island that we know of who knows the truth about Locke being formerly paralyzed.

Sandcastle contest winners, two years running.
(Once you go Locke, you'll never go back.)

8 - Remember last season, when Locke and Boone were searching for the beechcraft? Perhaps Locke was getting too far away from the hatch and its electromagnetic field, causing his legs to atrophy again.

With Henry planted firmly inside Locke's head, John started to lose faith in the hatch and went outside. When Rose reminded him what the hatch had done for him, he seemed to have his faith temporarily restored, as he went back in and started sketching the map he saw on the blast door.

I prefer pre-torn shirts.
("Please don't make me kill you inside this church, cuz' I will.")

15 - As it turns out, Eko IS building a church, much to Bernard's amazement. Eko's comment about 'people being saved in different ways' made a lot of sense, especially to someone with a backstory like Eko's. The underlying themes of redemption and salvation take on a physical location and form with this church. In helping Eko build the church, Charlie is trying to redeem himself for the mistakes he's made on and off the island, and we'll see more people using the church as a sanctuary in this regard.

16 - Vincent showed up out of nowhere during the episode, which was a sure-fire sign that either Walt or Michael was coming back. That dog brings nothing but bad news wherever it goes. It's sort of like the Dick Cheney of the island, only Vincent has never shot someone in the face.

This is John Locke, taking your requests until 9pm!
(Locke falls for the old 'tie a board to your leg while you sleep' gag.)

23 - Here's a quick theory about the lockdown. Perhaps the lockdown happens to protect the plane making the food drop. Think about it. Everything that comes near this island crashes into it, and it probably has something to do with the electromagnetic field. When the lockdown happens, the hatchlings are given a few minutes warning (as evidenced on the intercom, although it seemed to be broken) so they can get to where they need to be (hatch clock, etc.). The blast doors protect the rest of the island from the magnetic field long enough for the plane to make the drop without error. Because of altitude and whatnot, it would be possible for the plane to make the drop without being seen or heard, especially if it's some sort of military-style jet. Feel free to add any supporting or detracting theories to this one. It seems to be the most logical theory I've heard thus far about the lockdown, if one can measure these things.

Is that a knife in your pocket?
(A vase...or two faces?)

42 - What in the hell was Jack thinking, going into the jungle like that? What was he expecting to do? It seemed ridiculous that he really thought the Others would show up and play ball because they wanted Henry back. Judging by Henry's quote ('They'll never give you Walt'), not only does he know who Walt is, but he's pretty important to them; Henry's not.

Personally, after that close encounter with Kate in the net, I would have just cut my losses and made a beeline back to the hatch with her for some alone time in the Dharma shower. Just me, though. In fact, I'll make the prediction here and now that someone's going to be hitting the hay with Kate before the season's over.

The Preview (Spoilers ahoy!):

("I've gone completely insane; purple monkey dishwasher.")

Here's the previews for every remaining episode of the season. Don't try to take it all in at once, you'll only appear foolish.

Episode 19.5 - "Lost: Reckoning" - April 26 - (Multiple flashbacks)

Much like the recap we had to start off the season, Lost: Reckoning will bring everyone up to speed with what's been happening this year, and steer us in the direction of what will be important factors for the last few episodes of season two. True, it's another clip show, but would you rather watch Invasion? I rest my case.

What I see every morning.
(She'd look a lot more gangsta' if she cocked the gun to the side a little. Just saying.)

Episode 20 - "Two For The Road" - May 3 - (Ana Lucia-centric)

Jack and Kate bring an exhausted Michael back to the camp, and with him, news about the Others. Meanwhile, Ana Lucia attempts to get the prisoner to confess, and Hurley plans a surprise date for Libby.

I was surprised when I heard this was an Ana episode, which is leading me to think that she might not make it to the end of the season. We know there will be at least one more death this year, and this might be it. Also, during the previews, we see Henry fighting with her, which can't be a good thing. Michael's flashback episode will arrive later on.

Episode 21 - "?" - May 10 - (Either Locke or Eko-centric)

Here are some hints as to what's going to happen this week, courtesy of the producers of the show:

Turns out that supercool black-light reveal is a major plot point that carries on through the rest of the season. "Oh yeah, big time," Damon Lindleof said. "I mean, it plays huge in the finale, and even in episodes 20 through 22. Twenty-one is an episode that is very much on the sort of fundamental axis of that map, and it's a Locke and Eko story, which is going to be awesome. Carlton Cuse and I wrote it. That episode is just called '?' because that is the symbol Locke remembers from the map."

Recovering from his injury, Locke joins Eko on a search for the location marked by a "?" on the mysterious map. Their discovery reveals a startling secret about the island and the purpose of the hatch.

Henry Gale, with kung-fu grip!
(When you're a cop and a bound man can take you out, you may want to consider switching careers.)

Episode 22 - "Three Minutes" - May 17 - (Michael-centric)

This will be the big Michael episode we've been waiting for. We will find out everything that happened to him during his time on the run, and maybe even see the return of Walt. Here's a blurb from some gossip column:

Michael will be getting a flashback episode on May 17, during which we'll learn what, um, Others stuff he's been up to these last couple of months. Whatever it is he's been doing, I understand we'll meet a very different Michael than the one we left. Walt will also be back, and yes, he'll still be played by Malcolm David Kelley. I'm also hearing that the episode contains a great scene between Jack and Sawyer.

Also, with Locke and Eko away, Jack is left in charge of the hatch and must decide if he should believe Henry and not push the button and risk everyone's safety.

Episode 23 - Title Unknown - May 24 - (2 hour season finale)

So far, not much is known about the season finale, but I've been told that the reasons surrounding why and how Oceanic 815 crashed will be revealed. It also appears as if the castaways will mount up and attempt to overthrow the Dharma Initiative. More info as the big date gets closer.

As always, here are the links to every Lost Friday so far this season. Use them to catch up on whatever needs catching up. They could make you so much happier, if only you'd let them into your heart.


Thursday, April 13

Katharine McPhee Watch - Volume 5.

Katharine, Chris and 5 losers.

92,000 people auditioned for American Idol this year.

There are now 7 singers left, and Katharine McPhee is one of them.

So is Chris Daughtry, despite the fact he wore eyeliner and grew a beard. I'll let it slide this time, but seriously, you don't need that. If these two hooked up and Katharine got pregnant, they could just put a microphone up to her protruding belly, and the fetus would win next year's Idol.

Just thought you might want to know.

Katharine and Chris are pushing hard for the finals, and I have no problems with that whatsoever. In fact, I'm about as happy as one can legally get over these things. They're pretty much my most favorite contestants since the show started, and it's rare to see my picks go so far. I also would like to see someone find my page by searching for "Katharine McPhee" and "protruding belly."

I really liked how Brian May was kind of a dick to Ace because he wanted to whore out May's song, but Queen had no problems going on American Idol to whore out their new live album. Priorities, people! You're not going to change the complex arrangement that is We Will Rock You, one of the most played out and commercial anthems of all time? I guess Ford, Coca-Cola and Arby's didn't write a big enough check.

I also liked how they made it clear going in that nobody would even come close to matching Freddie Mercury's vocal style. I was pretty upset that nobody sported the Mercury moustache and skin-tight leotard. Kellie should have done it; she would have looked ten times better than the whole 'Quiet Riot groupie' outfit she was sporting.

'Haw-haw! What's a groupie?'

Speaking of which, did anyone catch Bucky's comment after his horrid performance? He was trying to tell Ryan that Freddie Mercury was a tough musical act to follow, but instead spat out "He's not someone I'd want to come up behind."

Seacrest looked right into the camera and said, "You can say that again."

Lost Friday is tomorrow. Please bring a dish to pass.

Wednesday, April 12

CDP Wayback Machine - Timeshare Edition.

Don't believe the hype.

You'll have to excuse me for slacking this week; it's been a tad less forgiving than usual. I haven't been feeling too well, so I'm not particularly in the mood to write and be funny. I have about five (brilliant) essays that are all half-done, but I refuse to touch them until my head is clear and I can give them proper attention.

You know the drill with the rest of the week, however. Tomorrow's the Idol recap and Lost Friday is batting cleanup. Next week will be better; some Easter candy and $3-per-gallon gasoline will do me good.

Today, we're once again stepping into the CDP Wayback Machine, for a look back at an essay from April of 2005. You know, there comes a time in every person's life when they have to sit through a lecture on Timeshare ownership for even the remote possibility of scoring free plane tickets to anywhere in the nation.

You're about to read that story. I present to you:

April 14, 2005 - "You're A Woman, I'm A Machine."

It should be noted that this essay was the first of two that I submitted to Isthmus Publishing for a freelance position. They were both rejected, but my dream of being published by them became a reality earlier this year, when my tirade about sub sandwiches drew surprising local attention. Of course, they didn't have to pay me for the sub essay, which might explain why they took such a shining to it as opposed to my previous submissions. Journalism is a fickle business; I want in like you wouldn't believe. The only reason I even went to the Timeshare place was so I could write about it.

There you have it. Step back in time for today and sound off in the comments section.

Tuesday, April 11

Return All Keys Before Checkout.

The following post has once again been rated:
Put the kids to bed.
For sexual content and dialogue. It ends today.

Loud Neighbor Update - Part VI:
'The Final Battle.'

They moved out.

In the deepest reaches of human endurance and history, there have been many documented instances of miracles taking place since the very beginning of time. Every once in a while, after years of being handed tragedy after horrid tragedy; marinating in your self-pity and failure, you get thrown a bone. The storm clouds part for a brief moment, raining down gifts of love and forgiveness, blessing you with a joy you never thought you'd feel again. A joy that's spiritual and holy in nature, but capable of manifesting itself here in the reality of earth.

This is the joy I felt when I watched our neighbors move out last weekend.

Prior to the start of this year, our nights have been invaded and brutally molested by these wall-sharing nympho-newlyweds in our apartment complex. For the last few months, we have battled back and forth with these classless savages, writing letters, making phone calls and almost coming to blows. Please catch up by reading PART ONE, PART TWO, PART THREE, PART FOUR and PART FIVE; it's really something to behold. Truly one of the weirder sagas I've posted here at the CDP. You'll get a kick out of it because it almost drove me to murder.

When I got home from work on Thursday of last week, I noticed that the neighbor's car had the trunk open, with several dresser drawers sticking out of it. "Good for them," I thought, "They're getting a new bedroom set. They've no doubt destroyed their current set with the earth-shattering, cosmic power of their lovemaking. Perhaps their new dresser will consist of a fair amount of Nerf and space-age foam, hereby soundproofing at least some of the noise. All I ask for is a little compromise."

When I talk to myself, that's how I banter. I also talk with a slight accent, just to mix it up a little.

Bitterly walking upstairs to my apartment and throwing my keys into the key bowl (patent pending), I peeked out onto the patio again to see the woman carrying more dressers to the car, along with some framed wall hangings. At first, I didn't fully recognize her because she wasn't moaning and hopping no less than 5 inches from my face. Still not wanting to assume the best, I continued to chalk it up to a new bedroom. Perhaps they won some sort of marathon sex contest sponsored by Ashley Furniture or La-Z-Boy. Some turds have all the luck; I didn't even know they held those sorts of things.

A few minutes later, she came out with more pictures and blankets, and I started to wonder what was going on. That's when I realized that the dresser drawers were still full of clothing. "Hmm," I thought, scratching my head in a futile attempt to understand, "I wonder why she's getting rid of all of her socks and underwear."

I had some theories, but none I can really share here. Trust me, they were hilarious.

Once she filled the car up, she drove off, only to return less than an hour later and start doing it all over again. The next day, they brought a friend along who had a truck and started loading up the ugly furniture and ugly decorations. When it finally clicked in my head that they were moving, I began to weep at first, graduating into uncontrollable sobbing in less than a minute.

We had won. We never win.

Now, I know there's about a brazillian reasons for a couple to move out of an apartment, but I'd like to think that it had something to do with me and the Missus. The timing was mighty suspect, considering that they have lived there for over three years. I think we had finally smoked them out. For the last two weeks, I hadn't heard a thing from them on the other side of the wall, which got me to thinking about what was happening over there just prior to the move. For your consideration, here's my theory as to what transpired:

After we wrote them the note, they were embarrassed, but too angry and prideful to show some respect. After the leasing office called them, they were extremely embarrassed, but pleaded the fifth to save whatever face they could. For a while, they blissfully pretended that they didn't care we could hear, but it started to take its toll. As it turned out, the best psychological defense was to wait it out and let them stew in their own insecurities. It worked on me; why wouldn't it work on them?

Just like me, they started to think about it all the time. They knew they were being listened to. They knew they were being scrutinized; possibly made fun of and publicly discussed on a wildly popular and humorous pop culture blog. As much as they tried to laugh it off around each other, it became a noticeable problem. Their sex drive started to dwindle; they started watching more TV in the bedroom and got cranky with every unwanted advance. Getting it on was replaced by petty bickering and pointless yammering. The system started breaking down, and they started suffering as a couple.

Soon, they were faced with a choice. One, they could move out and get back to the business of getting down, which seemed to be working just fine since the minute after the wedding. Or two, they could try to schedule their escapades around an entire apartment complex that was tired of hearing them.

The answer was simple, and I've got photos of the U-Haul to prove it.

Honestly, I think I'm going to miss them. We've never spoke; I'm pretty certain they don't even know what I look like. In my apartment, I'm a ninja when it comes to being noticed. I move swiftly without noise and hold the door for nobody. As far as they're concerned, I'm a figment of their imagination. Again though, I might miss them. Some nights, I'm sure I'll lie awake and wonder if they'll ever have kids. I'll wonder if they still love each other with the intensity and vigor of the first year of marriage. I'll wonder if she ever figured out how to shut the hell up every once in a while. Seriously, he could have just been bashing her skull with a bat and I wouldn't have known the difference. Sounds sexy; Ain't sexy.

Sometimes, the best friendships are the ones you make with people who don't know you exist. If that sounded creepy, it's because it is. Let this be a lesson to anyone who's planning on living next to me. If you disturb my sleep, I will cut you. Probably with a blade of some sort.

For now, the bedroom wall is silent. We sleep in peace, earplug and squeaky spring free. Until, of course, our new neighbors move in. Time will only tell what they decide to unknowingly share through the plaster. For now, I'm doing what I said I'd be doing, drinking my favorite cocktails in my boxer shorts, raising my glass in triumphant victory over the couple who foolishly thought they could take on the Missus and I without great emotional harm.

I've never felt more in love. When the new neighbors arrive, however, they won't need to know.

Monday, April 10

Today You Die.

The Concept.

The CDP will return tomorrow with the sixth (and final) Loud Neighbor Update.

Yeah, I said 'final.' You might want to stick around for this one.

While we're waiting, you should brush up on the concept to better prepare yourself for the closing chapter in this sextet of....well, sex.


What did you do this weekend? Sound off in the comments section while I try very hard to stay awake at work.