Friday, July 14

Sweet Release. (Post #400 - Part V.)

Post #400 - Part IV.

The end is here. Enjoy the final batch of quotes from the CDP's last 200 posts. Yes, I used the mannequin picture again.

(Part V contains quotes collected from April 2006 to July 2006.)

I have successfully ingested an entire pouch of Big League Chew, and chewed the entire works for over a minute before choking on the baseball-sized gob and spitting it out. I consider myself the only person on the planet who has done this and survived. – April 2006

This page tends to take me away from longer projects, like action-adventure screenplays and car commercials, because of its instant gratification and submission to the rest of the world. When you can write 1000 words on Chuck Norris and talk to people about it for the rest of the day, it's a lot more fun than doing 10 pages a day on an awful script that nobody will critique and discard for months. – April 2006

For as private and lonely as I want to be, I sure spend a lot of time telling people about it. – April 2006

Picking out the laptop was by far the most annoying aspect. We first talked to a 14-year-old, on commission, wearing wingtips, who was honest-to-God named 'Rad.' Rad basically told us that what we were looking at was trash, and unless we spent well over $1,400 on the model that was made from Unicorn ivory and Goblin fur, I'd most certainly slash my wrists with a broken Coke bottle after using it for a week. – April 2006

Whenever I wandered any more than 3 feet from the Missus, she would be swarmed by male salesmen who natually assumed that she had no idea what she was looking for. These misogynistic turds lined up all the way back to the appliance section to willingly blow smoke up her ass about computers she knew far more about than them. I thought the chauvinistic stereotype died with car salesman 30 years ago, but they honestly thought that she would gladly write a hefty check to any tall guy that smelled nice and explained to her what a processor did. Good luck, kids. – April 2006

With the completion of this post, you will officially know about every single interesting thing that has ever happened to me, and I shall retire from personal blogging forever. For the rest of my days, I'll choose to talk about TV shows and celebrities. Or, failing that, what celebrities from TV shows are wearing. – April 2006

You should abandon even your closest friends and colleagues if it offers you even the slightest chance of seeing a bra. – April 2006

The internet might have been new at the time when it came to the globalization of information and commerce, but since day one, it was always a worldwide pornography and prostitution ring. Let it be known that I was there for the Glory Days. – April 2006

I bled like Ryan White in a Golden Gloves tournament, and that was the single meanest thing I've ever said on this page. – April 2006

Kenny Rogers is a stone-cold dick. – April 2006

Watch in horror as television shows and pointless gossip slowly monopolize every day of the week here at the CDP! Forget about witty reflections and nostalgia! Do away with humorous essays and sarcastic wordplay! Take everything you used to appreciate about me and cram it up yer' chute, because I'm selling out to the lowest common denominator, and you're coming with! – April 2006

I might miss my neighbors. Some nights, I'm sure I'll lie awake and wonder if they'll ever have kids. I'll wonder if they still love each other with the intensity and vigor of the first year of marriage. I'll wonder if she ever figured out how to shut the hell up every once in a while. Seriously, he could have just been bashing her skull with a bat and I wouldn't have known the difference. – April 2006

Sometimes, the best friendships are the ones you make with people who don't know you exist. – April 2006

If Chris Daughtry and Katharine McPhee hooked up and got pregnant, they could just put a microphone up to her protruding belly, and the fetus would win next year's Idol. – April 2006

This is the Missus' car. Well, at least it used to be. Allow me to explain. – April 2006

I should have known better than to prepare the Fugu myself. – April 2006

10 minutes later, she drove me to the emergency room. We took her car, and I threw up four times on the way; once into her air conditioning vent by accident. Long after I'm gone, she'll think of me every time she turns on the heat. – April 2006

I walked into the Spring Homecoming dance alone, but I was planning on leaving a man. – April 2006

This night also predated my 5-year stint with braces, mind you, so my teeth looked as if they were retreating from the front of my mouth, turning inward and making a beeline for my uvula. – April 2006

She giggled and brushed against my blazer, her eyes lighting up like a Christmas tree as I continued to lie through my crooked teeth. I was definitely on to something. I could see a very short, awkward and dishonest future with her, and I was okay with that. – April 2006

In the fifth grade, I accidentally wore my mom's blouse to school in what would be remembered as a tragic laundry mix-up of epic proportions. Since then, most people, teachers especially, looked at me a little cockeyed. In addition to that, my best friend all through middle school was a bona fide homosexual, so the deck has always been stacked against me when it came to being taken seriously as a man. – April 2006

The 30 feet between us might as well have been a black hole full of pudding and sharks; there was no way I could muster the balls to approach someone like her for no good reason. – April 2006

Vinny put his hands on my shoulders and looked me square in the eye. He only did that to me when he had something very important to say, or when he was about to knee me in the testicles. I got into the habit of bracing for impact no matter what. – April 2006

Such men we were, daring each other to ask women to dance. I couldn't believe we hadn't already been scooped up by some bikini sorority cult. – April 2006

Her boyfriend looked fresh from the pages of a J. Crew catalog, and I secretly wondered how I could find his address so I could mail him half of a cat. Half of his cat. I bet he smelled like Polo and had a closet full of rugby shirts with popped collars, each one sexier than the last. – April 2006

The night was half over and I was still alone; mouth reeking with the familiar, sour taste of rejection and failure. It tastes sort of like an old penny, or a 9-volt battery doused in mustard and poop. – April 2006

The me that I am now hates the me that I used to be, but the old me had no choice but to continue being me until I became the me you know now. – April 2006

We got to know each other a little more after spending a few long nights together in her bedroom, meticulously dipping newspaper in slop and constructing what could be considered the most terrifying clown pinata ever viewed. Candy or not, this thing was going to scare the hell out of some Mexican children. – April 2006

The first thing that I noticed about Charlotte- or the first thing that anyone with eyes noticed about her that night- was the fact that she was wearing a massive, white neck brace. Her beautiful blue dress sparkled at every angle, her hair was expertly tossed and curled, her makeup was applied with wild teenage precision, and it was all overshadowed by the foam device wrapped tightly around her neck like a medically prescribed scarf. She was also crying. Hard. – April 2006

I had a lifetime of experience dealing with women in this situation, and I knew that she was on a rebound so fresh that it was still flopping around on the plate. – April 2006

Even if you hate the concept of American Idol, you should tune in at least once to see the glory that is McPhee. – April 2006

What Lost does best is flaunting with overt supernatural and sci-fi elements, but pretending not to under the guise of characters that want to believe in logic. In essence, the show is about faith, the human condition and random acts of sweatiness. – April 2006

She laughed and smiled, and I could only assume she understood the head-shakingly brilliant irony of this night. After everything the two of us did to make our evening perfect, here we were at 2am, in what was one of the least-classy places in the city, sporting $300 outfits and wishing we were anywhere else. Hours ago, we were strangers; now we were allies. – May 2006

I fully expected a wrecking ball to collide with the back of my head in microseconds, transforming my skull into malt powder. – May 2006

For my money, there's nothing sexier than getting to first base next to an injured woman in the midst of an emotional breakdown. – May 2006

I told her how I need to accept the role I chose to play, because it was what made me content, for better or worse. I told her that as much as people need a sympathetic ear, I need to get my attention and acceptance as well, and this was the best way to make myself happy. I told her that her suffering probably made my night, because it allowed me to feel important and mend wounds I had no business tending to in the first place. I told her that no matter what I became, I was still operating on selfish and egotistical morals. I told her that I was an asshole that deserved everything I had coming to me tonight, and she was better off never seeing me again. – May 2006

For the second time tonight, we pulled into my driveway. This time, however, I had to pop the trunk to get out. – May 2006

On a night like this, I very much needed a girl like her to come along. A train wreck of a girl so gruesome that the only thing that could save her from destruction was the complete and undivided attention of someone more sad than herself. – May 2006

At the time, I hadn't gone grocery shopping in approximately eight months and was beginning to eat things I found in the windowsills. – May 2006

Usually it was Taco Bell that got my business late at night, but tonight I was in the mood for a lawn bag full of french fries, handed to me by someone who spoke english. – May 2006

I swear to God, if you kids don't cut out the horseplay, I'll pull right the hell over and beat you to death with my travel mug. If you stay quiet for ten minutes, I'll let you smell my fingers after I fill up the car. – May 2006

Emo hair is the new mullet, kids. Get off the train before they start making fun of you in beer commercials. I got a haircut and dye job yesterday, and I look so rad that both my cats instantly went into heat. Rolling about and mewing and whatnot. – May 2006

Get out of my Blog. – May 2006

Searches for 'Katharine McPhee naked' skyrocketed on my page, and frankly, I don't care where my traffic comes from as long as they make the counter go up. Word of advice though, she ain't naked on the internet. You're not going to find it. Ever. I know you're in a lot of pain and whatnot, but you're just going to have to move on for the time being. At least give her ample time for her career to take a nosedive, then see what you can dig up. – May 2006

This episode is Eko-centric. Expect rampant cornrows and general bad-assery throughout. – May 2006

You know, when it comes to Lost, I do my homework. I lurk on the boards. I spoil myself silly. I send locks of hair to Terry O'Quinn in the hopes he'll fashion some sort of crude wig out of it and sport it at the Emmys. So, even though I had an inkling as to what was going down this week, I was still floored. When I say 'floored,' I mean 'left with soggy pants.' Later on in the evening, whilst ringing myself out over the sink and trimming off generous portions of hair, I came to the realization that I might have a serious disorder. Quickly blaming the uneasy feeling on the three-pound bag of M&M's I ate earlier, I placed the hair (and pants) into an envelope, addressed it to ABC and had the best sleep of my life. – May 2006

Monkey knife fight particle board, permeating through my glass-thick lungs, sinking deeper into the Twister board of defeat and struggling jocks. Out of the darkness, a man emerges with the fury of a thousand treats, raising my honor over his head and barking loudly as if to say, "I love you!" – May 2006

My first pulled groin came at the hands of the Missus. When we first started going out, back in 2000 or so, we were wrestling on my bed, which was the custom at the time. Out of nowhere, she thought it would be funny to clutch my right leg and wrap it around my neck like a scarf. Trust me, she could if she wanted to, but my inner thigh snapped like a rubber band before she had the chance. It took weeks to heal; every step felt like I was getting a white-hot branding iron to my tender areas. I've pulled it about three times since then, and it doesn't get any easier to find a quiet place to cry all the time. – May 2006

Despite Elvis Presley being one of the biggest thieves of black music to ever walk the earth, you can't argue with results! Here's to you, you peanut butter and banana sandwich eating, television shooting turd. – May 2006

I don't blink when Lost is on; I've built myself a Clockwork Orange-style device, and my wife is kind enough to keep my eyes lubricated. – May 2006

I could have kidnapped Katharine McPhee weeks ago, but no- I wanted her to become a worldwide star, and not just a star in the secret room in my crawl space. – May 2006

I'm writing a crime drama/buddy comedy that stars Sun and a Proboscis monkey named Moon. They will work together in Hawaii, solving crimes and teasing us every week with their 'will they or won't they?' flirting. Working title: 'Sun and Moon.' – May 2006

Speaking of Taylor Hicks, I have a secret for you. He says 'Soul Patrol' three times after every performance, sometimes even interrupting the judges to do it. As someone who has OCD, I can spot that crap from a mile away. Taylor doesn't say it because he wants to, he says it because he thinks his parents will die in a fire if he doesn't. – May 2006

As Satan excused himself, I went back into the kitchen and sliced up cubes of Provolone cheese. After a minute I heard a flush, but Satan didn't emerge. That was followed by another flush, and then another. Then silence for what seemed like forever. Finally, I heard the unmistakable gurgling sound of the Prince of Darkness trying feverishly to plunge my clogged toilet. After more trial and error, he came out, looking sheepish and embarrassed. – June 2006

To this day, MST3K is constantly mentioned as one of the biggest and best Cult Television shows of all time, behind only Star Trek, which as we all know, sucks. – June 2006

You know, if the dinosaurs would have just sat down and talked about their differences like rational beasts, they might still be around today. Hell, we might have even had a Brontosaurus as President. – June 2006

Morally, I no longer place humans above animals in the dominant chain. This is either because I've grown to love and appreciate animals more, or my disdain for human life is growing stronger. Show me a cow that's minding his or her own business, and I'll show you something that's not bothering me. – June 2006

The treatments, business and sanitation procedures involved in the process of getting a hamburger to my plate is about as corrupted as a stream of Barry Bonds' urine, and I refuse to be a part of it. – June 2006

I always find it funny when I see some punk or anti-establishment person smoking a cigarette. Here's this person who refuses to be a cog in the corporate machine, yet he's puffing on a product manufactured by one of the largest and most vile conglomerates on the planet. In my opinion, you might as well be wearing Nike shoes and spooning with Sam Walton's corpse, because you're an idiot. – June 2006

Whenever there's a story where a domesticated animal dies, people put more emotional stock into it than if it were a human life. Meanwhile, millions of other animals are being fed to the woodchipper without so much as a whimper from the dog and cat loving Americans. It’s ignorance on a whole new level. – June 2006

That being said, don't obey the food groups. Anything institutionalized by the government in the 50's and never updated cannot possibly be what's best for you. – June 2006

If you took all the farmland that was being used to simply house the cows we eat, we could grow enough vegetables and crops there to feed almost everyone on the damn planet. Imagine that. If you truly want Bono to shut up once and for all, stop eating beef. – June 2006

Also, Tofu sucks. Whoever started the smear campaign that said vegetarians only eat tofu and rice was an ass. – June 2006

It should be noted that I'm in no way calling meat-eaters idiots. It's when you start mocking non-meat-eaters when you start looking foolish. In fact, whenever you start mocking anything you don't understand, you run the risk of exposing yourself as a fraud. – June 2006

You know, there comes a time in every man's life when he just has to slow down and feed the deer. – June 2006

You have to get out of the house and do something as a couple at least once every two weeks. It's best to do something collaborative, where you can put your heads together and work as a team. For this, we usually head out to a small border town and kidnap a stranger. We don't kill them or anything, we just scare the whiz out of them and dump them off at a bus station. Just try to keep from making out after an adrenaline rush like that. – June 2006

True, we have canine teeth. We also have an appendix, a tailbone, a ring finger and a lot of other crap I never use. Just because we have the bombs doesn't mean we have to drop them, and just because you have sharp teeth doesn't mean you have to use them to tear through beef 24/7. I sometimes use them to open CD's. CD's by vegan rock bands. – June 2006

Wide-eyed, with a skilled and steady hand, I proceeded to peel off my skin like an honest-to-goodness sock, producing two snake-like sheddings, each about a foot long. It took me about a half-hour, and they were absolutely beautiful. I held these giant hunks of flesh up for inspection, and everything suddenly became well worth the wait. – June 2006

I had a dream the other night that I was walking alone through a crowded mall. The overhead speakers were blasting the song "Love Shack" by The B-52's, and everyone was dancing and singing to beat the band. Everywhere I looked, customers and patrons were shaking their asses while pushing strollers, sucking down Orange Julius' and carrying armloads of bags. It appeared as if they were all having a great time. – June 2006

Yeah, I've got nothing today. – June 2006

I'm whiter than the inside of Robin Williams' nostrils. – July 2006

Ever since I first listened to Weezer's Pinkerton, I've been fascinated with the culture that is modern-day Tokyo. Of course, now that I'm married, my list of things I want to do there has gotten significantly smaller and more legal. – July 2006

Day in and day out, our conscience does its best to keep us in line. It whispers things in our ears like, "Stay on the right side of the road" and "Don't touch that boy at the bus stop; you don't know him." Some days it whispers louder than others, but it's kept me out of jail thus far, so I'm content with it. – July 2006

Sound off in the comments section, and praise me for creating 400 little slices of joy.

Thanks to those who sifted through all 250 of these, and got inspired to dig around in the archives again. The CDP will return to the business of getting down on Monday.

MONDAY: The CDP Slips A Disc.

Thursday, July 13

Better Than You. (Post #400 - Part IV.)

Post #400 - Part IV.

In honor of the CDP's 400th post, here's yet another batch of quote goodness.

(Part IV contains quotes collected from February 2006 to March 2006.)

On the first day of February in 1982, I was born in Neenah, Wisconsin, to a mother of an undetermined age and ethnicity. I was raised by this mother, along with an equally mysterious father, for the remainder of the 80's. – February 2006

From your 21st year until your departure from this earth, you are free to drive, drink, smoke, vote and watch pornography with a stripper, all at the same time. While I have not experienced all of these joys in one fell swoop, most of my friends will tell you that it's far more interesting in theory. – February 2006

Don't you appreciate all the things that I do for you? Countless hours of free entertainment, up to 6 days a week, with limited filler? I ask for nothing in return but a kind word and harmless comment section banter, and yet you betray me. I will not forget this. – February 2006

Today's post is more of a 'Post Loaf,' consisting of real post parts, but not necessarily considered an actual post. Enjoy. – February 2006

I was leafing through the law library at my place of employment, and I saw a book entitled ‘Fire Protection Handbook.’ This book was hardcover and about 1000 pages thick. Honestly, how long can you talk about water? Do we really need 1000 pages on how to put out a fire? The only way this makes sense to me is if the book were actually made of water, or the book could be used to beat the flames into submission. Maybe the font is really huge; I didn't bother to check. – February 2006

I watched the State of the Union speech on Tuesday. Like many of you, I was screaming at the television with a beer in my hand for the better part of an hour, cringing and cursing the majority of the 2004 voting public. – February 2006

The Superbowl XL halftime festivities were an abomination as always, but I think we've come to expect that in this post-nippular world. – February 2006

How Low Can You Go? - This will be a game show that pits two contestants against each other. An awful task is put on a big board (ex. push an elderly woman down a flight of stairs, hit a kitten with a Mack truck), and the players will take turns betting and undercutting each other with the lowest price they would do it for. This is not only a social experiment into the human mind, but a good excuse to make bad people do bad things. FOX will jump at this in a heartbeat. – February 2006

On any given morning before 8am, I’m so tired I can barely walk to the phone to call in sick, and you two have already consummated your love twice. You have got to be kidding me. You're like the sexual version of the Marines. – February 2006

Speaking frankly, you are very loud people. I’ve never seen you and I don’t know what you look like, but you’re both probably huge. I image that you’re both a shade over 7 feet tall, weigh a combined metric ton and are genetically attracted to beds with rusty springs. – February 2006

Looking back just to the start of 2006, I've laid down over 30 good-sized posts in a little under 40 days. Not only is that a huge amount of life-changing, hilarious and absolutely free entertainment, it also equals a lot of time and effort on my part. I put a lot into this page, strictly because I like to write and be creative and current. Luckily for me, it doesn't keep me from my hobbies, because it encompasses everything that occupies my spare time regardless, with the exception of killing the homeless and grifting the blind. – February 2006

It was December of 1999. The electric buzz of the 21st century was tingling the private areas of every red-blooded American. President Clinton was still leading the nation through a time of amazing prosperity, surplus, and an abundance of neon fanny packs and jogging suits. The song '1999,' by an up-and-coming artist known as 'Prince' was rocketing up the charts and uniting people of all races and creeds on the dance floor. It was a magical time to be alive, and if you weren't yet alive for it, chances are that you're unable to read anything I've just written. – February 2006

I was 17 years old, full of wide-eyed wonder and Surge soda. – February 2006

Luckily for me, the Missus showed up and set me straight. She washed my hair, tore my braces off and wiped the crust out of my eyes. She threw a tiny shirt on my back and indie frames on my green eyes. Without her gentle nudging and almost tyrannical standards, I'd still be a turd. I really dodged a bullet, there. – February 2006

For most of my life, people have told me I should do stand-up comedy. This is due in part to the fact that not only am I good looking, but also insanely funny. So funny, in fact, that I should be allowed to talk into a microphone on an illuminated stage, thus proving that my jokes are more important and thought out than yours. It's the only real way to separate the contenders from the pretenders. I'm pretty pale, however, so when those stage lights hit me, I disappear completely from sight. To those in attendance, it would look as if a radiant, heavenly glow was standing behind a microphone, talking at length about airplane food and fanny packs.– February 2006

I'm about as productive as Duke in a 'don't suck' contest. – February 2006

A lot of couples try to get pregnant right after the wedding, as a way to instantly ruin their lives in one fell swoop. – February 2006

I love sub sandwiches about as much as legally possible. Believe me, the law is not flexible on these things. – February 2006

Every single time I walk into a Subway, I'm instantly reminded of why I should never go there again, and feel like I'm about to be shot in the back of the head. – February 2006

That's another thing I can't stand about Subway. The 'Sandwich Artist' buttons those employees have to wear. It's not an art form to put edible things in between bread for the purpose of consumption. Besides, I have never been handed a sub that made me want to place it behind a velvet rope for viewing. At least, not one from Subway. – February 2006

It is at this point where she wraps my sandwich up in paper, but realizes that she put way too much lettuce in it to close properly. Instead of rectifying the situation, she just flattens the sandwich temporarily and wraps it up as quickly as possible, essentially spring-loading the damn thing to surprise me later. When I take it back to the office to enjoy, I notice that the sub package is all but vibrating with pressure, waiting to explode all over me. All it takes is for me to put a slight tear into the side of the paper for the entire sandwich to come sproinging out like a worm-filled can of novelty peanuts. Lettuce and mayo covers my important documents and newspaper. Thanks, Subway. – February 2006

Former inmates make good sandwiches because they don't want to go back to jail. They put far more pride into their work than teenagers, and understand efficiency and assembly-line ethic from their prison and factory experience. They were tailor-made to make sandwiches for a living. – February 2006

The Sandwich Artist then pulls a bottle of mayo from the holster in his side-pocket, twirls it three times and splorts it liberally onto my Garlic Herb bread before twirling it again and placing it back in its chamber. It's usually at this point when I place a dollar or two in the tip jar. It's worth it, because I didn't just get a sub, I got a show! – February 2006

If you're just catching up on the ongoing, wide-awake nightmare that is my loud neighbors, let me get you all squared away. I have neighbors who like to get loud in the bedroom, and I don't mean by playing Scattergories, yo. Exceedingly loud. FAA citation loud. – February 2006

Wisconsin is for lovers. Lovers of cheese, scotch and fireworks mainly, but lovers of all kinds are welcome. Your money spends the same regardless, and our taxes are quite reasonable. – February 2006

I always forget to take pictures of my food, as I'm usually too busy sneaking large handfuls of it into the Missus' purse. – February 2006

Instead of instantly walking out like I wanted to, I slowly nodded and became damp in the pant area. – February 2006

It's a love/hate relationship; much like the one I have with Ryan Seacrest. – February 2006

I bought nothing at the Gap, because their pants suck and they never have anything nice in a small but t-shirts that I already own. They need an original idea, or at least do better at the one they've been milking all this time. I can't believe how gay I sound right now. – February 2006

A Truffle store, to me, is much like what a porn store is to most other men. I walk around, looking shady and amazed at the new products and arrivals. "Wow, they've got them in Peanut Butter now? Can they do that?" – February 2006

I decided to do something very kind for myself and pick up a new watch. The one I've been wearing for the past year and a half has treated me well, but my left wrist was in the mood for a change in style. Besides, I bought my right wrist a DVD player for Christmas, and I didn't want them thinking I played favorites. – February 2006

Smart, smart, smart-ity smart-smart. Smarty, smarty smattie-smittie. Shimma-shamma whoppa-doo. – March 2006

I consider myself to be a lot like Rambo. He makes decent split-second decisions, lets his fists do the talking when he's too hung over to think, and has killed literally thousands of Viet Cong. Watching First Blood is like looking into a slightly less muscular mirror. – March 2006

I'm only telling you all of this should I be arrested and sent to trial. Anything that happens to the neighbors from this point forward will be hereby considered temporary insanity. In fact, I'm the only thing standing between them and my wife's boot in both their asses. They should be thanking me constantly for my patience and resolve, and having unnecessarily loud sex in my name and honor. My wife wanted to settle this with a brutal double-murder weeks ago. – March 2006

The mere thought of being recorded while intimate would cause most folks to shut down faster than a Vespa with a gas tank full of Go-Gurt. In reality, that lack of sexual shame is the only edge that Scott Stapp has over me. – March 2006

Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's take all the joys of High School clique' life, deplorable mall culture, terrible grammar and punctuation, sluts, man-whores, crappy bands, jackasses and loners, and throw them all into a big online popularity contest, where they can slug it out and stay irrelevant for eternity. – March 2006

I keep a web page because I like to write, not because I want to stay in touch with people I stopped calling on purpose. – March 2006

Most every MySpace page I've seen is like a house I never want to go back to again. Unfriendly, disgusting, ugly and void of all intelligent and humorous conversation. It's like when you went over to your friend's house when you were younger, and there were spiders and cockroaches everywhere, and their family liked to eat cereal for dinner in their underwear. That's someone I'm scratching out of the address book. – March 2006

The only reason to have any friends whatsoever is for profit. I only keep people around nowadays if they donate to my charitable organization, or buy me dinner and Cosmopolitans. Everyone else can go straight to hell. – March 2006

MySpace is a direct representation of those who inhabit and frequent it. Cookie-cutter, shapeless lumps of tired fashion and dried-up rhetoric. It's so unoriginal, NBC just signed it to a 3-season deal. – March 2006

Sometimes after taking in an hour or two of American Idol, I need to watch a viral video of a guy being shot in the pants with paintballs just to reaffirm my masculinity. – March 2006

Katharine McPhee, if you're reading this, I have a degree in music, recording and sound engineering. If you don't win, look me up and I can make things happen for you. I have some new songs that would be perfect for you, or at least the crude likeness of you that I fashioned out of tin foil and hair. – March 2006

As you can probably imagine by looking at photos or recklessly fantasizing, I smell great. – March 2006

While I don't recommend attempting to turn good female friends into possible mating partners, sometimes you just gotta go for it, and let the Old Spice do all the heavy lifting. – March 2006

Me and Margaret talked about school and whatnot, getting closer with each break in the conversation. My braces and oily T-zone glistened off of the floodlights as I pulled out every joke and 1970's celebrity impression I could think of. At the exact same time I made my move to hold her hand, the almost toxic scent of Old Spice wafted into her nostrils like an unleashed chemical weapon. I could tell she was investigating what the odor was, and it was only a matter of time before she became drunk off the fumes and passed out into my lap, begging me to take her to the backseat of her mom's Chrysler LeBaron. – March 2006

Off came the giant plaid shirt, down came the painted-on pants. There I stood, in front of Margaret and about 500 of my new best friends, making sure everyone knew that I could handle rejection and teenage defeat with amazing bravado and charm. Bare feet freezing to the bleachers, my nipples rock-hard and blue with frost, I made a stand. – March 2006

For all the 'facets' that Roger seems to have, something tells me that they all end up the same way. Sweating through yet another jumpsuit in the dressing room of a smoky disco, cutting up a rock of coke so big I could set my television on it. – March 2006

Something tells me that 'By Request Only' means his set list consists of about half a song before he's quickly escorted back to his customized barstool, where he's fed vodka tonics for the remainder of the night. Then at 2am, he'll stumble back into the ballroom, fart into the mike and fall off the stage. - March 2006

I was stumbling around well before 6pm. Each trip back to the bar got me closer and closer to realizing my dream of seeing someone fall in the pool, although the person in question would have been me. – March 2006

Watching all these middle-aged folks dance, sway and make fools of themselves moved me. At first, I was annoyed. After all, I didn't pay to watch them stand on chairs and scream 'Ringo!' over and over. Then it started to make sense to me. This is how normal people have fun, and I had to respect that, even if it didn't agree with me. I looked around and saw a lot of people doing a lot of different things, wearing ugly clothes and drinking ugly beer, but everyone was happy. If I wanted to sulk and piss my night away, I certainly could have (I've done it many times before), but a lot of things made sense to me at that point. Beatles music and, to a far greater extent, alcohol, are the great uniters, and for three hours it mattered not what you were on the other side of the ballroom door. That's neat to me. – March 2006

We had to actually drive to the next city over just to find a place to eat. Worse still, it was an Applebee's. I'd rather eat drywall. – March 2006

Maybe I'm getting older. Maybe I'm an idiot; I don't know. It's probably the company I keep. Frankly, I could go to a kick-me-in-the-balls-with-a-steel-toe-boot convention and have a good time as long as the Missus is around. – March 2006

I'll be honest with you; lay it all out on the table for my loyal and wonderful readers. When the sketch of the Hatch Map popped up on the blast door, I whizzed myself. Not a little bit, either. A full-out, balls-to-the-wall, Great Flood whiz of epic proportions. There wasn't a dry seat on the couch. – March 2006

Sound off in the comments section, and praise me for creating 400 little slices of joy.


Wednesday, July 12

Please End This. (Post #400 - Part III.)

Post #400 - Part III.

Another day, another meaty batch of quote goodness. Chew 40 times before swallowing.

(Part III contains quotes collected from December 2005 to January 2006.)

I can tell that you're tingling with anticipation. – December 2005

I've never owned or worn a shirt that advertises a television show before, because I always thought it was sad or depressing. I never had a problem with band shirts, or even movie shirts for that matter, so why was I so hung up on TV shirts? Whenever I saw someone walking around with a promotional Evening Shade shirt on, I would always think to myself, "There's a guy (it's always a guy) who's out of clean shirts." – December 2005

You can keep your hatch and Mama Cass records! You can keep your Dharma Initiative and Alvar Hanso! You can take your sparking dialogue, character development, social commentary and intriguing flashbacks and CRAM 'EM STRAIGHT UP YOUR CHUTE! This guy's taking his life back, and he doesn't need you anymore! – December 2005

The illusion of the Emo beard is to convince people you do something other than read People magazine and eat Kix all day. – December 2005

But there's a dark side. A very dark side. Like, so dark, you can't even see where your key is supposed to go, and you end up putting a big gouge into the side of your Mom's Taurus. That dark. – December 2005

Every year, good and willing people promise themselves to lose weight and vacation in Hawaii, only to gain 20 pounds while watching Montel and shoveling Pringles into their yaps; sobbing in their hands and wearing a plastic lei. – January 2006

Next to driving, nothing makes me angrier than whizzing a video game down my leg. Ever since I was a child, I've been finding new and creative ways to curse and smash a controller against a stucco wall. – January 2006

I spent most of the trip singing out loud to myself and drumming on the steering wheel. That morning was particularly frigid, so my voice shivered off-key. It was then that I found out I do a very good Bright Eyes impression when the circumstances are right. I made a mental note of it and focused on the road. – January 2006

I had never been to an IMAX theater before; presumably because my Mother was afraid of them. – January 2006

To me, there's nothing worse than a sold-out kids movie that's also appreciated by college-aged nerds. It's almost like they're in a heated battle royale to see who can annoy me the fastest. Fortunately, I have the jump on them, as I get annoyed minutes before my ticket is even ripped. – January 2006

If you applaud or cheer for a trailer at the start of the film, you will be asked to vacate the premises. Your ticket will not be refunded. – January 2006

Before entering a theatre, your picture will be taken and electronically linked to your ticket stub, which you will swipe on the armrest of your chosen seat. If you decide to switch seats, talk, answer your phone, or do anything that will otherwise disrupt the experience of those around you, the movie will instantly stop and be replaced by the picture of you. The viewing audience will then have the option to ask you to leave or make your chair explode, depending on the majority vote. They will then be provided with your license plate information and home phone number. If you are under 13, you will buckled into your seat. If you are over 13 and can't sit still, your chair will explode – January 2006

Up in the CDP Rumpus Room, you'll find an Atari 2600, NES, Sega Genesis and (basic) Coleco Vision in perfect working condition with dozens, maybe hundreds of games. It's a beautiful sight, and I'm quite proud of it. Throw that in with my ever-growing collection of Pac-Man memorabilia, and you've got yourself a shrine to a wasted youth. I sometimes go up there to cry when the Missus is sleeping. – January 2006

I'm in the male minority when I say this, but I don't really like the marketing. I think video games should be for kids, first and foremost; regardless of if they educate or entertain. I recall that feeling of magic and amazement when I played Missile Command for the first time on my 2600; it was the coolest thing I had ever seen. These days, kids have to grow up fast enough as is; now they don't even have any decent games to play. Each day of a child's life is spent wanting to be older, and when they lean their heads against the display case at a video game outlet, it's the same story. That sucks. – January 2006

If I wanted to sit by myself and play complicated video games, I wouldn't have gotten married and cut my hair in the first place. – January 2006

I'm far from what you would call a 'manly man,' but I can hold my own. I have a soft spot for splatter films and I'm only afraid of like, two things (drowning and Zell Miller). I watch sports constantly and senseless violence bounces off my forehead like a ping-pong ball. Underneath this sensitive indie shell, I guess I'm sort of a club-dragging loser, but within two minutes of playing Resident Evil 4, I pooped in my pants. In fact, I pooped in the Missus’ pants, too. – January 2006

I screeched like a Yoko Ono record. You should've seen me; I looked like I was being electrocuted. Sparks should have been emitting from my body. – January 2006

In the grand scheme of things, there's no reasoning with someone who plans on digesting you once they get their mitts on your tender brain. No peace treaty. No utopian society. Not even a head start. – January 2006

I pay top dollar for my scares, which it why I own two Limp Bizkit albums. – January 2006

We must have new neighbors. – January 2006

Now, think of me what you will, but as far as I'm concerned, 67+ minutes of conjugal bliss is a ridonkulously long amount of time. Me? I need a power nap after I pay the bills, for God's sake, and now I have to contend with my standing theory that Sting is my new neighbor. – January 2006

It's brave to hit the world head-on, and refuse to live by anyone's rules. I thought I was doing that as a teenager, but I value structure far too much to be an anarchist. Anarchy is a pipe dream; Communism is where it's at. – January 2006

I'll be enjoying Martin Luther King Jr. day by liberating my alarm clock from the oppression of waking me at 6am, and not leaving the house. – January 2006

Unless you're handicapped or some kinda jerkass, you have to work for a living. – January 2006

I had much bigger plans for myself than to become an Exam Administrator. I feel bad that somewhere out in the workforce, there sits a guy who's only goal in life was to work with state codes and statutes pertaining to professional regulation, and I'm not appreciating it nearly as much as he would. It's not fair to either of us. – January 2006

Do you honestly think that Babe Winkleman likes Bass fishing every day of his life? Not even millions of dollars, Blu-Blocker sunglasses and that sweet beard can keep a guy happy day-in and day-out, especially when he's coming home to his family reeking of dead fish and about 10 bottles of Blatz. – January 2006

Freshly dumped by my girlfriend, I did what any teenager with dignity would do. I took my shirt off, put on some cut-off shorts, cried and mowed lawns all day. – January 2006

We lived on a street full of duplexes, next to a Hmong family of about 29, and a sad, single woman who used to watch me when I went rollerblading. Once, one of the Hmong girls broke her arm in front of my place. Before the ambulance got there, I took a good look at it and it was shaped like the letter 'S'. I almost threw up. Another time, I was selling pizzas for school, and I knocked on the sad single woman's door. She answered wearing a towel, and I thought it was the coolest thing I had ever seen up to that point. Way better than the broken arm. – January 2006

My Dad was known for making borderline illegal business decisions, and hiring his 16 year old son to bartend seemed to be one of those choices. In fact, there's no 'borderline' about it. I took in next to nothing in tips, despite being the youngest bartender in the nation. – January 2006

I lived on a steady diet of candy bars, Mountain Dew and microwavable hamburgers until I was 20. – January 2006

During college, sometimes I went to classes. Sometimes, I slept until noon and never wore pants. Sometimes I went to classes without pants. – January 2006

I blew a ton of interviews before getting the formula down right. One particular interview had me sitting bleary-eyed and delirious in front of a room full of suits. They asked me what my biggest flaw was, and I scoffed and murmured, "Modesty." They got my ass outta there pretty quick. – January 2006

We had a big Medical Board hearing at work several months ago in the matter of a Doctor who sexually abused patients and colleagues. He was also an honest-to-God midget. When I got to work, there were protesters and news crews everywhere, waving signs and blocking the doorway. After the hearing was over, the midget in question was drowning in microphones and lawyers, and he started freaking the hell out. He was pushing people around and shouting obscenities. Some days here are better than others. – January 2006

I give FOX credit for taking chances with groundbreaking shows. However, other networks are catching on, and FOX is starting to look washed up amongst the heavier hitters. What was once an edgy and hip network is looking long in the tooth and cranky, throwing cats at you from their front porch. – January 2006

As always, here are links to all of the CDP’s Lost Friday posts. They'll put hair on your chest. Unless you're a girl, in which case they will gently wax your upper lip and bikini line – January 2006

My Dad is an avid hunter, fisherman and trapper, and liked to tinker with experimental baits and lures in his shed. He succeeded in creating what is generally known in these parts as the most foul and wreched scent ever bottled. ‘Gutbuster’ was the name of a trapping lure he concocted, consisting of a special blend of God-only knows what. When you opened a bottle of this stuff, a puff of smoke would escape from the top. Many of these lure brainstorming sessions ended with my Dad running from his shed and throwing up. This was a lot funnier than I can really explain. – January 2006

I seriously need to consider writing an autobiography. Not like that silly 'Unofficial Fan' one that Tiger Beat ran in 2002. Much of what they said was taken entirely out of context. – January 2006

My sister checks out the CDP frequently, but never posts, apparently because Chuck Norris jokes and the word 'oot' don't really attract that '14-19 female' demographic that MySpace seems to have cornered. We both strive to be ultimately ignored and forgotten, so it's viewed by many as a poor career choice for us to become a model and an internet phenomenon. I bet Salinger doesn’t have a blog. – January 2006

Sound off in the comments section, and praise me for creating 400 little slices of joy.


Tuesday, July 11

Stop The Bleeding. (Post #400 - Part II.)

Post #400 - Part II.

Another day, another thick batch of quotes from the last 200 CDP posts. You're welcome.

(Part II contains quotes collected from September 2005 to November 2005.)

I'm throwing a party at my house in honor of the occasion, and you're not invited. In fact, it's so exclusive, I'm not even invited. – September 2005

You can tell that I go to a very high-class salon by the capri pants and flip-flops that my stylist is wearing. – September 2005

For my money, nothing is more depressing than an airport. Everyone there is either saying hello or goodbye to someone, they're always crying and are usually holding a sad novelty mylar balloon. – September 2005

You can tell if a concert venue is Christian by the floor. If they have carpeting, it’s Christian. – September 2005

Friends, family and work will do nothing but get between you and your precious television, so don't let them tell you otherwise. Protect and nurture your television. After all, look at all the wonderful things it has done for you. The moon landing, Lee Harvey Oswald, Cop Rock. It's your only true friend, and it will never leave you for another. Keep it dusted and shiny, free of fingerprints and CBS. Love your TV like it loves you, and never let it go, not even for a second. – September 2005

Kick off your Thursday night by not checking out the new season of The O.C. If you want action, romance and plot-twists galore, then I strongly recommend not watching this huge FOX hit. Last season left us with a lot of cliff-hangers, so not watching the premiere is certainly a must. If you want to catch up, I suggest you not purchase the DVDs. – September 2005

When I was younger, I was voted "Most Likely to Host SNL One Day." This will probably never happen, but I was admittedly a lot funnier in the 4th Grade. – September 2005

Ty Pennington is contractually obligated to take his shirt off every week on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Watch as him and his crew of whining crybabies build an amazingly beautiful home for someone who will be dead in six months anyway. – September 2005

Ask a Cheap-Ass Pirate is a column designed to increase awareness of the Pirate lifestyle, in addition to promoting responsible spending and living within one's means. Ask A Cheap-Ass Pirate began when marauding roves of pillagers began to go hungry and poor after burying, and naturally forgetting where they placed their stolen treasure. Eventually, it was voted upon that an advice column devoted to slim living was the most optimum way to continue their horrid escapades. Those who chose to vote against this option had molten gold poured down their throats. – September 2005

It was then that I saw the largest horsefly I had ever seen. He was clinging to the low ceiling, focusing on me with his 90-some odd eyes, and humming like a massage chair. – September 2005

I wound up and took a mighty swing at the horsefly, whiffing entirely and colliding with my applesauce on the backswing. – September 2005

Fantasia Barrino winning American Idol was nothing short of an American tragedy. She sounds like a mouse with emphysema, and looks worse. – October 2005

Are you hungry? You look hungry. Here, sit down for a second and let me make you some french toast. What? Nonsense, you have plenty of time. Well, if your friends can’t wait five minutes for you, then those aren’t friends that you want to have, dear. How can you wear a t-shirt in this weather? You’re making me cold just looking at you. Here, wear Grandpa’s old sweater while you eat. Balderdash, you’re freezing! Look at you, shivering like a leaf. There you go; don’t you feel better now? Grandma loves you! – October 2005

Starting today, the CDP is launching "Lost Friday," which will be a place to dissect and discuss Lost as the weeks roll along. Every Friday, the CDP will put up a new post devoted to the latest episode. – October 2005

Autumn was kind of a crappy week this year. – October 2005

Now, I'm not a baby when it comes to the Dentist. I wore braces for 29 years, so I know a thing or two about mouth pain at the hands of a rich asian man. – October 2005

At one point, she was scraping my teeth so hard that her hand was shaking. Something that takes that much effort to extract from someone's mouth is probably something that should be left in. I was spraying blood like a geyser. – October 2005

So, to Patricia at Midwest Dental in Madison; you suck at your job. Find something better to do that doesn't result in your clients gargling warm salt water all night. Learn to operate with a steadier hand, or start taking Parkinson's medication. I hate you. – October 2005

I think the big Halloween thing in the mid-80's was the California Raisins, so there were a lot of kids in purple-face, wearing garbage bags stuffed with newspaper. This was not only sad and lazy on the part of the parents, but also a tad racist. I never quite jived with the thought of 4 overweight prunes donning sunglasses and singing soul tunes. Maybe I'm just sensitive; after all, it was the most successful marketing campaign in fruit and vegetable history. – October 2005

So, furious, sad, heartbroken and humiliated beyond my wildest dreams, I was forced to get in line with my friends and respected quad-partners, and parade this obscene costume in front of every single person in the school, grades K through 8. – October 2005

I learned a valuable lesson that day, at the tenderest of ages. Life is hard. Nothing should be taken for granted. If you think that everything's going to go well, that's going to be your first of many mistakes. Billie Jo Armstrong says, "Don't pat yourself on the back, you might break your spine." Well, on Halloween of 1987, I gave myself a Christopher Reeve-style thrashing.- October 2005

Most birds I've come into contact with over the last 23 years have done nothing but screech and break skin, but Jade made me love winged creatures again. I would have bought him had he not been a $900 "specialty" bird. What this specialty was (plumbing or electronics, I believe) I still have to figure out. – October 2005

I really enjoy the comments section. They allow me to connect with the fans, the friends and the common man. They give me a chance to prove to everyone that I'm just like them, and not placed high upon some unreachable celebrity pedestal. Sure, I live in the coolest city in the nation, I'm married to a smoking hot woman and my cats are top-notch, but I'm still quite humble. – November 2005

Last night I went to bed at quarter to 10 and slept straight through to 6:30. I think it had something to do with the entire plate of Alfredo Portabello Ravioli I washed down with a pint of Caramel Cone ice cream. It's going to be a long day. – November 2005

Immediately following the 2004 Presidential Election, I had what friends and loved-ones would remember as a “freak-out of embarrassing proportions.” The phone was shut off, the CDP went on hiatus and I wore nothing but black to work. I shut the television off; sat down, and thought about all the work I had gone through over the last few months to ensure that what happened… didn’t happen. It was a huge feeling of failure and deflation, like when I got kicked off of the golf team in High School because I was failing Geometry. I sucked and everyone knew it. – November 2005

You'd be absolutely amazed at how much work goes into something as simple as this cartoon. Try creating a few of them, and you'll drive yourself insane. You'll try to remember what life was like before you had to make a joke every fourth line of a conversation. – November 2005

When cats get a UTI, it hurts too much to pee in the litter box, so they try to find a smooth, cool surface, like the tub (I've been known to do this on occasion when the toilet gets too repetitive for me). – November 2005

To me, the mall is like High School with cash registers. Everyone is better looking than you, everyone has more money than you, everyone is more in tune to what's popular at the moment, and everyone's in your way. – November 2005

Now, I know for a fact that Caucasians like video games. I'm absolutely sure of it. However, every single time I step into a local arcade, I'm instantly surrounded by men of all ethnicities but mine, sporting shaved heads, impossibly baggy clothing and 8 year old girlfriends. Even though I know for a fact that I won't play anything at the arcade, I always seem to find myself insind of one every time I go to the mall. I consider it a carry-over from my childhood. Something always tells me that I'll find something fun to do in there, even though I never, EVER do. It always ends with me playing a game of Tekken 3 with some Hmong kid that destroys me in a 4 second barrage of button mashing. Well, that was a blast. I specifically don't carry change on me anymore just so I don't feel tempted to enter arcades at the age of 23. Especially after I found out that I enjoy Dance Dance Revolution. – November 2005

When it comes to men's shirts, I'm a size small. On a bet, go looking for a shirt in a size small that's not the gayest thing you've ever seen. I dare you. People wonder why I wear nothing but black t-shirts and goofy sweaters. It's all I can find! – November 2005

Don't buy stuff from kiosks. They are of poor quality and they are being sold by pushy foreigners who are on the run from the law. – November 2005

Starbucks? Are you serious? What year is this? When at the mall, go to Gloria Jeans. They're the coffee shoppe on the other side of the mall that's going out of business because of Starbucks. They have a better selection, they are cheaper and the store smells really good. Besides, caffeine is no longer hip. Meth is making a huge comeback, so hop on that train while you still can. – November 2005

I could count up all the things I've purchased at Sears on a one-fingered guy's hand. – November 2005

If you've ever felt suicidal, but needed that one last push to justify your actions, look no further than your local food court. – November 2005

Speaking of which, I've been very happy with the traffic this month, and I wish there was something I could do to thank each and every eight of you (zing!). Last year, I told people that I would send them all a dollar, but I didn't feel like breaking a five (zong!). But seriously folks, thanks for hanging out here. If it weren't for you, I would have gotten an actual writing job years ago (zoing!). – November 2005

You didn't teach me to love and cherish the world. Instead, you chose to mock it right along with me. You let go of my hand only when you stop to point and laugh at someone who deserves it. You're cruel and sinister. Sarcastic and razor-sharp. Your standards are so high, nobody could ever meet them. Everyone lets you down, and nobody is worth trusting. You're just like me. – November 2005

You know, there comes a time in every man's life where he gets raging drunk and ruins his wife's birthday party. – November 2005

Sound off in the comments section, and praise me for creating 400 little slices of joy.


Monday, July 10

Just Quit Already. (Post #400 - Part I.)

Post #400 - Part I.

Post #400, 'eh? Man, I should have baked a cake. Or at the very least, brought along a 2-liter bottle of store-brand soda. Mountain Rush? Dr. Pibb?

After 28 months and over 107,000 hits later, the CDP has hit the 400 mark. In honor of this occasion, I've assembled some of the best quotes, quips and sound bytes from the last 200 posts (over 250 of them to be exact, spread out over the course of the week). Consider this yet another condensed trip down Recent Memory Lane.

During my 200th post, I remarked that the next 200 would be better; I hope that I accomplished that. If not, you can all go straight to hell; this is my show, here.

Oh, and if you want to check out the best of the first 200 posts, check out the trilogy here, here and here. Away we go, kids:

(Part I contains quotes collected from June 2005 to August 2005.)

Employers use the week before a vacation to spring all sorts of new stuff on you, because they know you’ll be in a gruntled mood. They figure you won’t shoot the place up just hours before you set sail. Well, they’ve never met me. – June 2005

I’m sick of giving the cable company my money, but the DVR’s only an extra ten bucks a month, and I can tape things while I’m watching other things. I’m sold. – June 2005

I was looking forward to driving through Chicago, not because I like the city, but because I wouldn’t have to stop in it. – June 2005

Ben whizzed the interview down his leg with flying colors. Before you could say “profiling”, the four of us were standing in front of the car while three cops were tearing our luggage apart. We had been in Canada for no less than two minutes, and we were already facing immediate deportation. I didn’t think for a second that it could go any other way. – June 2005

I had never eaten a veggie sub for breakfast before in an empty mall food court, but there's a first time for everything. – June 2005

Canadian Television is basically the same crap that we have in the states; they just have a Canadian equivalent. The one thing they have that we certainly do NOT have is a French station that played nothing but terrifying children’s shows all morning. These French clowns would prance around, singing surreal songs and riding those old-fashioned bikes with the huge wheel in the front. Sometime in the evening, the children’s programming would cease in favor of soft-core porn. No thank you. – June 2005

Come to think of it, I don’t know if I brought anything useful to this trip besides my money. - June 2005

Looking back, I think we were all in bad moods for the same reason. We felt tiny. I mean, we were four intelligent, independent people who had absolutely no idea what the hell they were doing. Everything we did was done with hesitation. Every decision had to be voted upon. Simple tasks and directions were being swallowed whole by the city. We, as Americans, felt arrogant, pompous and quite loser-y. When a city backs you into a corner like that, it's only normal to start lashing out at each other. It's how us shaved apes keep order. If our petty little squabble was the worst thing that happened over the course of the week (and it probably was), then we all had a pretty good week. – June 2005

It was there that I consumed the single greatest veggie burger ever made. It took us a full three minutes to even determine if it was meat or not, that’s how good it was. I swear to you, burger technology is really moving in leaps and bounds. – June 2005

After the stroll through the city, we headed for the Hard Rock Cafe. We saw memorabilia from such acts as Rush, Nickelback and Our Lady Peace. Psssh...Canada. – July 2005

I'm not even close to the person that I think I am. Keeping up the lie is half the battle. I never said I was a fun guy to hang around. – July 2005

I could use my cell phone in Canada briefly when it was bouncing off the New York tower back in the states. USA! USA! – July 2005

Ben and Sherry are getting re-married on their 1st anniversary, because it's some sort of weird family tradition that nobody seems to understand, but I know you get extra gifts. – July 2005

Being conjoined by the hair would suck, because you could never cut it. – July 2005

During yet another argument in the car, this time concerning where we were, Benjamin furiously pointed at the map and shouted, "here are we!" Any seriousness he was going for went completely out the window after that ridiculous exclamation. – July 2005

Right outside of the airport, there was a strip club called "The Landing Strip". This marks the first time I have ever seen a triple entendre used for the name of a business. – July 2005

Before we went to sleep, I went to the candy machine for a Nestle's Crunch. Of course, the bar got stuck in the coils, so I tried to shake the machine to knock it loose. I thought the machine would be bolted to the ground, but it wasn't. Completely overcompensating, I lifted the machine right off the ground, bringing it down with a deafening crash. I got my Nestle's Crunch bar, along with a corkscrew and some other stuff from the top row. – July 2005

We were hungry in the meantime, so we spotted an abandoned cake in an empty conference room. We helped ourselves to some, and ate them back in our rooms, without utensils. – July 2005

The wine list was about 20 pages, and there were bottles of wine that were more expensive than my car. – July 2005

Toronto was nothing if it wasn't a learning experience. – July 2005

The newspaper took what I did and turned it into a brief, clunky, rushed joke of an article, with my dumbass name on the top in bold. It's unnerving to see people reading this all around Madison, possibly making false assumptions about the writing style of certain egotistical maniac. – July 2005

I decided not to take any photos of the trolls. I took plenty of them the last couple trips to New Glarus, and it's been a few months since I've had a crippling nightmare, so I didn't want to rock the boat. – July 2005

It's a beautiful thing to make your closet more efficient. It took me no time to organize my shoe collection, because the only pair that I have is on my feet. – August 2005

So there I sat on the deck, in the 92 degree heat, husking corn by myself. During that process, my cats sat by the patio door, almost mocking me because they were in the freezing cold house. They kept looking at me and cocking their heads, attempting to understand why the guy who feeds them is sitting alone in the blistering sun, skinning corn. Wiping my brow every two seconds, I kept wondering about the life choices I made to get to this point. Then I saw the Missus drive up, and it all made sense again. – August 2005

All of a sudden, in 2005, we don’t know how to make a space shuttle. Things keep blowing up, crewmen are losing their lives, and mission after mission is scrapped for adjustments and repairs. Now, rewind back to July 20, 1969. A flawless mission straight to the moon. Color TV’s were still a novelty, and there’s Neil Armstrong driving a goddamn go-kart on the lunar surface. – August 2005

One thing about Gabe that reminds me of myself is his crippling anxiety. He’s incredibly aware of his surroundings, and reacts accordingly. When we first brought him home to meet with our other cat, she didn’t appreciate his company. She bit and hissed, and Gabe wanted nothing more than to make friends with his new roommate. This rejection hurt him, and he took to chewing all the fur off of his paws. – August 2005

Every day for the week we slept with the door open, we’ve woken up to cat whiz in the tub. – August 2005

A minute later, the Missus spilled her drink all over the table. Our quiet corner sanctuary was now abuzz with waitresses and turned heads. I nervously jittered, twisting my napkin into a knot until everyone went away. – August 2005

Driving home, I kept sinking, my body rejecting the foreign objects I’ve just inserted into it. When a body goes without meat for years, it has serious problems when it’s suddenly introduced in large quantities. I felt like crap warmed over, and spent the rest of the night in the bathroom and on the couch. I called my Mom for sympathy, and played Mario Golf until I fell asleep. – August 2005

She’s previously read all six of the Harry Potter books front to back, and I’m convinced that she’ll kill me once she’s finished, certain that she’ll have nothing better to do and nothing to live for. – August 2005

Next, we headed to the movies. We decided to see March of the Penguins, because the Missus loves penguins, and I love the soothing tone of Morgan Freeman. It’s a win-win situation. – August 2005

I ate a bag of Kit-Kat Bites at the theater and they were fantastic. There must have been eight candy bars worth of chocolate in that bag. – August 2005

We saw a few houses that were in our price range, but weren’t big enough for our tastes. Something’s going to have to give eventually, and it’s going to be my wallet. – August 2005

I plow through remote control batteries pretty quickly by frequently checking the "flashback" button. For some reason, I think that the TV will forget what channels I'm currently toggling back and forth, so I have to keep tabs on it. I'll flip back for no reason other than the reassurance that it's still there. – August 2005

One time, I borrowed a bunch of albums to a friend, and as a joke, he returned them to me with all the disks in the wrong cases. We never spoke again. – August 2005

If I can find a way to entertain my wife while I'm watching sports, she will be content to sit with me and enjoy herself. For example, last March during the NCAA basketball tournament, she found out that I had entered an office pool. Now that money was riding on the games, she cheered and swore right along with me. I've never loved her more. – August 2005

Joe Theisman is funny because he says any and every dumbass thing that comes to his head. I especially like him because he suffered a compound fracture on live television. – August 2005

You are the company you keep, and in that case, I'm on the road to perfection. – August 2005

Good memories will disappear unless they are shared. – August 2005

I can tell that Ben loves Sherry, because of the way he looks at her. The way that he, at the very least, pretends to listen to what she has to say. The way that he never appears the least bit shaken or angry, even when she's being completely unreasonable and bitchy. He has the temper of a Koala bear, and will go to the ends of the earth to see to it that she's safe and happy. – August 2005

When I'm not spending dozens of hours working on drafts, I'm spending 40+ hours a week at my real job, and using the remaining time to drive the Missus the hospital. This weekend will give us both what we really need: Silence and an oil change. – August 2005

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