Friday, August 4

Link Party - Global Warming Edition.

The Sun - Slowly Melting You From The Inside.

In case you haven't noticed, it's hotter than Satan's jockstrap outside.

In fact, it's too hot to even write, so here's the lowdown as to what's been keeping me busy lately, in this month's edition of Link Party:

I Can't Believe I Ate The Whole Thing.

1. "Hey, what are you reading?"

Planet Simpson by Chris Turner, and The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell. One of these books is an in-depth look concerning a life-changing cultural phenomenon that requires approximately 600 pages to fully digest and understand; the other is a book called The Tipping Point.

I'm pretty pleased with that joke, so I shall go no further.

Gnarls Barkley.

2. "Hey, what are you listening to?"

Here are the last ten albums I've played in my car. Judge at will:

1. Nightmare Of You - Nightmare Of You - (Good!)
2. Minus The Bear - Menos El Oso - (Great!)
3. Gnarls Barkley - St. Elsewhere - (Good!)
4. Liars - Drums Not Dead - (Bad!)
5. The Rentals - Return Of The Rentals - (Good!)
6. P.O.S. - Audition - (Good!)
7. They Might Be Giants - The Spine - (Okay!)
8. Pizzicato Five - Playboy & Playgirl - (Great!)
9. The Mr. T Experience - Love Is Dead - (Good!)
10. Islands - Return To The Sea - (Great!)

On August 22, we are treated to not one, but two heavily anticipated albums from the likes of Supersystem and Of Montreal. A Million Microphones is the follow-up to Supersystem's 2005 paranoia-dance party Always Never Again. You can hear the first cut off of Microphones on Supersystem's MySpace page, which I refuse to link here, even on a special day like this.

Of Montreal's The Satanic Twins is a limited edition double-album featuring remixes of cuts from Of Montreal's last two releases, The Sunlandic Twins and Satanic Panic In The Attic. Some of the remix-ers include Broken Spindles, I Am The World Trade Center, The Impossibles' very own Rory Phillips and (surprise, surprise) Supersystem. They're only pressing 2000 copies though, so ya' better pre-order and dig out your mom's record player.

If that wasn't enough, Of Montreal is playing 10 minutes from my house on Monday. Be there; I'll buy you some popcorn.

Mister Kennedy. Kennedy.

3. "Hey, what are you watching?"

With the Fall 2006 TV season fast approaching, I'm preparing the 2nd Annual CDP Fall TV Preview to drop sometime later this month (or early September). Watch in awe as I review over 60 new and returning TV shows, purchase a box of Whoppers and settle in for 8 months of reclusiveness and TiVo.

Until then, I'm watching a lot of reruns and WWE. Green Bay's very own Mr. Kennedy freaking rules. There's also a midget on there that used to work at Target with a friend of mine.

Also, as a way to thank myself for a job well done at the wedding last week, we bought a PS2. They're getting pretty cheap nowadays, and I snatched one up so I can play Guitar Hero alone or at parties. Expect videos of me rocking out very soon.

I was also thinking of throwing my very own Fight Night: Round 3 or Mario Kart: Double Dash! party, where I'd invite all the best players in the state for a Battle Royale to determine the Undisputed Wisconsin Champion. I'd totally do it too, but my wife doesn't want any more nerds in the house than the one she already tolerates. Of course, I'm talking about our cat, Gabe.


4. "Hey, where's the merch?"

It's on the way. I'm working on designing all sorts of CDP swag to satisfy your desires. Check this out:

The First CDP Shirt Ever.

This was my 'test shirt.' It's far too small, far too white and the logo isn't quite the way I want it. I spent $17 on this, just to make sure that when I actually start producing merch, it's of the upmost quality. The things I do for you people.

Save yer' pennies, kids.

Ben & Sherry Go To California.

5. "Hey, what's going on in the CDP Network?"


Let's Eat Paste talks monkeys and bananas.
I Think This Is My Exit gets wicked depressed.
Sandbox Films talks like a pirate and saves a squirrel.
Nobody's Fool takes us to the West Coast.
Todd's Cavalcade reveals the rotten underbelly of the sales industry.
Newcomer Topping From The Bottom catches you up on her week.
Newcomer Spork Nation buys a car.

Chaotic Ryan got removed from the CDP Network because he set his page to private. Also, it's a MySpace page and quite frankly, I'm through acknowledging their existence.

By the way, if you would like to be included in the CDP Network, just do 3 things:

1. Start a decent blog that I would want to read, and CDP fans would want to read.
2. Link the CDP on your blog and let me know.
3. Comment on my page every now and again.

Or, you can just donate some money to the CDP and I'll pretty much do whatever dog tricks you want from me. That's how I operate.

Think you should be included? Any questions? E-mail me at

Lost Returns In October.

6. "Hey, what are you Wiki-ing?"

Here are the last ten things I've researched on Wikipedia:

Fidel Castro
Air Hockey
Lost (TV)
Gerald Ford
Peter Sellers
Thug Behram
Fight Night: Round 3
Errol Morris
Cake (Band)
Worldwide Death Tolls

My Cats Will Pwn You.

7. "Hey, what's going on this weekend?"

Hopefully nothing. After the nerve-wracking, 100+ degree wedding festivities last week, I'm looking forward to the indoors, air conditioning and quiet. I won't be visiting anyone, driving anywhere or answering my phone; don't even bother.

August's Link Party has come to a close. Sound off in the comments section and tell me what you plan to do this weekend, or what I should do this weekend. See you Monday.

Thursday, August 3

Copyright Violation Thursday.

Too Much Coffee Man.

More Too Much Coffee Man.

If you're not reading Too Much Coffee Man, you're not really reading the comics. Enjoy these before I'm legally obligated to remove them from the CDP.

Today, I was catching the beginning of Good Morning America before I left for work. They mentioned a 'new fad' called "Heat Rage." Because of the recent heat wave, I guess people are flipping out and putting their fists through windows and skulls and whatnot.

The Missus chimed in and said, "This is a new fad? People getting mad when they don't like something?" I couldn't have said it better myself.

Thank you, Good Morning America, for always tackling the important issues. I was wondering when I'd finally see the cell phone videos of Mel Gibson drunk on national television. Isn't there a war going on? Didn't anyone die today? Isn't gas $3.10 a gallon?

Friday marks the triumphant return of the Link Party, so remember to dress nice. Sound off in the comments section and tell us how you're dealing with heat rage (besides reading the CDP).

Wednesday, August 2

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Tuesday, August 1

The Wedding Post - Version 2.0.

After a solid week of fighting the flu, I awoke in my Grandparent's den at 7am on Saturday. In less than nine hours, I was to officiate my very first wedding in front of 100 people.

As soon as I got up from the couch, I took a photo of myself to document this joyous occasion.

Ruh-Roh, I'm still sick.
(Censored for your protection. I was a mess.)

I had to get better, fast.

I had slept for about 18 minutes the night before. For one, I was terrified of what sort of fools I would make the bride and groom to be; as well as what I could do to further throw myself down the ladder of respect within my family.

It was about 80 degrees in the den, so my sleep was ravaged with sweaty nightmares and subconscious ramblings. I kept thinking I didn't have the ceremony written down or I had to add something very important at the last minute. For a second, I actually thought that God was making me sick on purpose because He didn't want me to pretend to be religious. He knew I didn't practice an organized religion or go to church, so perhaps a few stray viruses my way would set me straight.

Fortunately for the happy couple (and unfortunately for my mortal soul), I fought through that crap.

The Backyard.The Tent.

The setting was the backyard of the happy couple, and it was quite beautiful. My mom had taken her duties as Wedding Planner to the next level, creating a fantastic landscape and comfortable area for said wedding. There was even a deluxe Port-A-Potty. Very posh.

Too bad it was 800 degrees out. It was three hours before showtime and we were plowing through sunscreen and Deep Woods Off! like it was going out of style.

A Flower of Some Sort.Nother Tent.

As the wedding party scrambled around, setting things up before the guests arrived, I poured over my script for the millionth time, making sure it was exactly the way I wanted it.

Scriptin' It Up.

I've done public speaking before, and I'm decent enough at it when I have to be. It's not like I prefer it or anything; it's just that people naturally assume that I'd be comfortable addressing a room full of people for some reason. This probably has something to do with me essentially doing it every day on this page. However, real life doesn't have a Backspace button. So, if I were to get up on the podium and start swearing or wet my pants, that would pretty much be the end of it.

In the end, I just have to trust my material. I don't like to ad-lib very much and go off-course; I like to know exactly what I'm going to say and how I'm a-gunna say it. Makes me feel safe.

I didn't feel safe today.

Before I knew it, guests were taking their seats and the Missus was straightening my tie. I honestly remember my own wedding as less stressful; it probably had something to do with the heat. My wrists were sweating through my shirt, which cannot possibly be a normal and healthy thing.

I'm Going To Hell.
(I'm behind the podium, yo. Also, that's the groom with the flower girl, NOT his bride.)

At the start, I was standing up there alone in front of everyone. I could feel them judging me with their eyes. "Why are you up there? You're a fraud. A fraud."

I thought I was going to throw up, so I stepped down just as the music started playing. The wedding party emerged, laughing and happy as can be. I saw how genuinely excited and laid back they were about this, and I couldn't help but share their sentiments. After all, hiring me was their idea; they wanted me there for one reason or another, so I just had to do what I did best.

"So, do you want to get married?" I asked them as they reached the podium.

15 minutes later, it was over. Everyone was applauding and crying, and the bride and groom were embracing each other as husband and wife. It was something I never expected to be a part of, and probably will never forget. From what everyone told me, things sounded perfect and everyone did a fantastic job. I took their word for it, because I couldn't think properly.

The Best Man looked at me and said, "Can we get trashed now?"


Good Jorb, Wedding Planner.

Things got a little blurry, so here are nine things of interest that happened at the reception:

1. At least 4 kegs were drained. My family comes from a long line of drinkers, and they didn't fail to impress. I drank a wine cooler, as I am a stunning pansy sometimes.

2. At some point in the evening, the bride and groom hopped into the flatbed of a truck and sped to the nearest bar for a shot. They didn't return for at least 45 minutes. We contemplated stealing their television.

3. My mom tells me that the truck that drove them to said bar had a DVD player in it that was airing a porno flick.

4. While the bride and groom were gone, someone stole money from the many cards they received. The suspicion was that a drug-addicted friend of the family made off with the loot. Yup.

5. I got a taste of what it was like to be a Holy man, in that nobody wants to party with you. A lot of the people there didn't know me, and assumed that this was what I did for a living. Therefore, everyone sidestepped around me, hid their beer and didn't swear. This got very annoying after a while, but I embraced the unexpected respect.

6. Sometime during the night, a fight broke out. Death threats were made, hearts were broken and punches were almost thrown. I was sound asleep by this point in time.

Drink Eight Glasses Of Water A Day.
(I'm not fat.)

7. As I was sitting at a table with my wife and mom, my mom noticed a kid playing by one of the rock gardens. She said, "I think that kid crapped his pants."

Sure enough, the small boy was walking around, apparently straining to hold his pantal contents in his jeans. After watching him struggle for a few minutes, we stared in horror as he deposited said contents onto said rock garden. He walked away, certain that nobody just saw him set a pile of feces onto a decorative piece of landscaping.

After a few minutes, people started to take notice. A semi-circle formed around the rock garden, and people were trying to figure out what it was. Photos were taken. Eventually, the truth came out and people scattered, gagging and spitting out whatever happened to be in their mouths at the time. The boy was reunited with his mother, who changed his pants and took him home.

8. After the party, a storm blew through that uprooted the tents and destroyed the CD player.

9. The bride's cat was wearing a bowtie.

None of that last stuff was really my fault, so I still think that the wedding was a complete success. Anything that goes wrong at a reception is blamed on alcohol and instantly forgotten the next day.

It should also be noted that as far as weddings go, I've been an usher, a groomsman, a best man, a groom AND a officiant. This is what's known in the wedding business as 'Batting the Cycle.'

Will I do it again? I don't know. All I know is that I couldn't be happier for my uncle and new aunt, and I wish them nothing but the best from here on out. I'll see you at Christmas.

Sound off in the comments section to ask me any questions I might have missed.

Monday, July 31

Friend-ish & Family.

I Clean Up Nice.

I'm working on the 'wedding' essay as we speak; I expect it to be published either this afternoon or tomorrow morning at the latest.

It contains all the things you'd expect to see in a great story; sex, violence, religion, emotion, theft, drugs, betrayal, sweatiness, fancy suits, gallons of alcohol and a graphic scene of public defecation.

I'm not kidding. I wish I were.

You're not going to want to miss this; check back throughout the day.

In the meantime, sound off in the comments section and tell us about your weekend. Also, try to convince me that Global Warming is a myth.