Friday, December 1

Kickin' It With Cliff - Sweeps Month Edition.

Kickin' It With Cliff - Volume 2.
(Today's post was written by Cliff, the older brother of the CDP. Since 2002, Cliff has been living in the basement of CDP Headquarters, where he has been financially supported and cared for by the CDP and the Missus. At his insistance, he was allowed to write one column every Friday while 'Lost' was on hiatus. This is believed to be only his second foray into the Blogosphere.)

Everypeeple so excited about Sweep Month. They all say "This where CDP pulls out all the stops." This not true. CDP tell Cliff to stop all the time. This morning, I put sock in toaster, turn dial to '10.' He yell and say I try to burn house down. That may be true, but he no need to yell. I standing right next to him.

It the truth.

Me no get to sit at adult table for Thanksgiving. Me not even sit at kid table. Me sit in coat room, next to radiator. I get no turkey, either. Just juicebox and stuffing. I say "Me not thankful for CDP," but he just laugh and lock door behind him.

No respek!

CDP get all Sweep Month ideas from me, anyway. I tell him to do podcast with me, he say I not allowed to use mikrofone. That because I used mikrofone at wedding reception one time; bride and groom got divorced the next day. I no think it my fault, though. They had no future.

Here what CDP do for you during December:

The CDP Year In Review.
The Worst Album Covers Of All Time - Part Deux.
The Best Comments Of 2006.
The Best Albums Of 2006.
The Best & Worst Of 2006.
CDP Post #500.
The State Of The CDP Speech - 2006.
The Official CDP Podcast.
Much, Much More!

Should be good time.

He tell me I can write every Friday, even if people think I funny or not. He say that I'm on the fringe, and some people no understand where Cliff coming from. He say not to worry about these people, they jerkasses and need to lighten up a little. I no no what that means; I just happy I get to come out of basement every now and again. Someday, I be signing 8x10 glossy for fans, just like CDP do.

I Cliff. Me funny, too.


Thursday, November 30

Droppin' A Deuce.

1. Sweeps Month officially begins tomorrow, with a formal Opening Ceremony by my brother, Cliff. The Worst Album Covers Of All Time - Volume 2 will follow on Monday, with constant updates until the end of the year. Check back often, because big changes are set to take place for 2007.

There's still about a week left to e-mail me your Best & Worst of 2006, and get FREE CDP SWAG in the process. Click on the banner for more information.

Ooooh, a sturdy magnet!

2. The results are in for Fact Or Crap? - CDP Edition (Volume 3). The one and only lie in the bunch was #10 (The Dislocated Shoulder). Everything else was a true statement, which will hopefully be explained in more detail during the first Official CDP Podcast later this month.

Ooooh, a tiny pin!

Nobody guessed perfectly, but Aaron and Tam Tam both guessed that #4 and #10 were crap, so I will let them fight over who was the real winner. For the record, Tam Tam made these predictions first.

Ooooh, a sturdy sticker!

In the spirit of fairness, I'll be sending them both a FREE CDP Magnet, button and sticker, provided they e-mail me their addresses. I rule like that.

Writer's block and apathy is destroying me at the worst possible time. Stick around for the inevitable year-end breakdown; it's always entertaining.

Tuesday, November 28

Fact Or Crap? - CDP Edition. (Volume 3)

Fact Or Crap? CDP Edition.

Gather 'round, now. Here's how you play 'Fact Or Crap? - CDP Edition.'

I'm going to tell you 10 interesting and odd facts about myself (or boring and pompous, depending on what your opinion of me as a person is). You are going to decide which one or many of them is a lie, and let me know in the comments section. After a day or two, I'll reveal the answer(s) and give mad props and respek to the winner. Simple as that.

If you want a reminder, here's the wildly successful Volume One and Volume Two.

If you recall from the resulting flamewar, Volume One and Two had no lies whatsoever in either set. This time, however, I promise you that there is a lie somewhere amongst the following ten facts.

And away we go.

1. I have only lost one game of Air Hockey in my life, dating back to December of 1994. My current winning streak has lasted hundreds of games and over 12 years. I might be the greatest player of all time and not even know it. I've destroyed men and women of all ages, in multiple states and of multiple cultures. I back down from nobody.

By the way, I have an open challenge policy, 24/7. If you ever see me in a bar, I'll be ready to throw down at a moment's notice.

2. Speaking of streaks, I haven't thrown up in well over 3 years. I'm pretty proud of that.

My last vomit came in September of 2002, shortly after me and the Missus moved in together. I was quite certain she was all set to move back out.

3. I've been thrown out of the world-famous Harrod's department store in London. (I was later welcomed back in after an apology; apparently they didn't realize who I was.)

I then spent 35 pounds on a stuffed animal that was smaller than my fist. Why was I thrown out?

Not tellin'.

4. By the Missus' calculation, I've broken at least 8 of the 10 commandments in my life. Maybe more. Being raised Catholic, I've been well aware of my unavoidable trip to Hell for years now.

5. When I was a teenager, I outran the police in my 1986 Buick Somerset and escaped.

I was being followed by a squad car at around 2am, in the middle of nowhere after dropping off the Missus one night. I was speeding like crazy, and ran past him hiding in a median. Being broke and surly at the time, I wanted to see if I knew the back roads of Winchester, Wisconsin better than the Officer did. I got about a quarter mile ahead of him as he hit his lights, quickly turning a corner and flooring it.

After some weaving in the darkness and eventually killing my lights by a lush forest, I saw him go by, completely unaware of where I was. I simply doubled back and went home ticketless.

I consider it one of the dumbest things I've ever done, and I beg of you never to try it. When cops pull guns on you, pants get crapped and hearts get broken.

6. I am an ordained Reverend, and have legally officiated a wedding and an upcoming baptism.

7. One of my ex-girlfriends now works at Coyote Ugly in Chicago. She also has breast implants, and what appears to be a new face.

Thanks to MySpace, I know this. Thanks, MySpace.

8. Today's my Mom's 44th birthday.

Or 43rd.

Whatever; this fact doesn't count, I just want to wish her a happy birthday.

9. On the day of my 18th birthday, I got my left ear pierced at the mall. Over the next month, the earlobe got completely infected and swelled to the size of a Peanut M&M.

After trying to ignore the unbearable pain and embarrassment for awhile, I went to the emergency room and had the back of my earlobe lanced open. I lost an assload of blood, and was then bandaged up to look like I tried to blow my own head off. To this day, there's a half-inch scar on the back of my left ear.

It was one of the most painful days of my life. It also marked the first time I let loose a string of obscenities at a medical doctor.

10. In 1997, I was playing football with some friends during recess, when I got tackled onto the running track. My right shoulder dislocated, and had to be popped back into place by the guy who tackled me. I went back to class and have since suffered no lasting damage.

Happy guessing. Enjoy your day; Sweeps Month is inching ever closer.