Monday, March 12

Adventures In Cyber Sex.

The following post is rated:
The following post is rated TV-14.
For sexual content and dialogue.


During a lunch break last week, I was playing pool on Pogo, as I'm sometimes known to do. On the rare occasions when I play against another human player, I refuse to chat with them in the sidebar, as I'm far too focused on winning the game and voiding myself of all human contact. I'm far too old to be 'chatting' with anyone, let alone someone who lacks all basic grammar skills and wants to beat me at pool. Both pride and dignity are on the line, here.

As luck would have it, this day was a little different. I was minding my own business, shooting pool against my silent robotic opponent, when it was suddenly replaced by a living, human being. The screen name was like, xXxSk8erBaBy996xXx, or something to that effect. I took limited notice and continued my game, as she started yapping to herself in the sidebar:

xXxSk8erBaBy996xXx: hay baby

Silently, I focused on my game. I knew she was trying to confuse and disorient me, thus giving her an advantage on the pool table. Little did she know, she was dealing with a skilled and unshakable veteran of the green felt. I wasn't going to be like all those other losers. Not today.

xXxSk8erBaBy996xXx: wanna cyber?

Just as I was focusing on nailing the 9 ball in the side pocket, my right eye slowly wandered over to the sidebar and noticed this little nugget of sinister information. Against my best judgment, I spoke up.

theCDP: No. I want to play pool.

xXxSk8erBaBy996xXx: RUgay?

theCDP: That's not important. I'm on lunch and want to play pool.

xXxSk8erBaBy996xXx: i wanna play 2 lol.

"That's it," I thought. "I'm outta here."

This particular game of pool was for all-important Ratings Points, however, so I didn't want to leave and get a loss put on my record (I already know that my priorities are messed up, so don't bother mentioning it). Instead, I remained calm and continued playing.

xXxSk8erBaBy996xXx: wat do u waant to do 2 me?

theCDP: I want to finish this game and eat a Pop Tart.

xXxSk8erBaBy996xXx: nooooooo

theCDP: Yeah, that's what I'm into these days. Pop Tarts are all the rage.

At this point, I knew that I was either being screwed with by a messed-up woman or a very messed-up man, so I just stayed coy and toughed it out. If you ever think that you're conversing with a beautiful woman who likes to talk dirty to strangers in Pogo chat rooms, you might want to seriously re-evaluate your life.

xXxSk8erBaBy996xXx: im horny

By this point, I was looking over my shoulder to make sure nobody was around. I've never felt dirtier playing a game of pool in my life, save for that one time at my Dad's bar, when I was playing against a drunk woman whose tube-top fell around her waist about three shots in. True to drunken form, she refused to remedy the situation until the game was over.

xXxSk8erBaBy996xXx: i said im horny.

theCDP: You know, I seriously doubt that.

xXxSk8erBaBy996xXx: oooooh i am baby

Shaking my head, it was now my objective to out this person for the fraud and impostor that they were. I really don't like being manipulated, especially considering that I've never met someone who was a better manipulator than myself. You just can't beat the master.

xXxSk8erBaBy996xXx: how old RU?

theCDP: How old are you?

xXxSk8erBaBy996xXx: 14

Instantly, ice water filled my veins. It was as if someone had dangled a gargantuan spider in front of my computer monitor that had TNT for legs and cocaine where its body should be. I shot my legs out and flew back in my chair, clicking on anything that even remotely resembled a red X. I've seen Dateline; I know what they do to horrible people like me in jail. I'd be passed around like currency, nicknamed 'Vasoline Dream' and fitted for a pink riding crop.

I was already imagining Chris Hansen showing up at my house that night, clutching the Chat Log and asking me just what I thought I was doing acting this way.

"I just wanted to play pool! Why, God? Why?"

I did nothing wrong, but I was still too sick to eat that Pop Tart. My afternoon was ruined.

Yahoo! - 1994
(This is what Yahoo! looked like in 1994, in case you weren't around for it.)


The main focus of this post was to tell the story I'm about to tell you now. What happened last week merely reminded me of this long-forgotten tale.

This must have happened, gosh, over 12 years ago. It was in an AOL chat room during the early days of the Consumer-Friendly Internet. It came during a time when I was at least willing to attempt to be a completely different person online. An alter-ego that wasn't afraid of women, didn't mind getting naughty and knew exactly what to say.

You know, an asshole.

I should interject here and state that I'm simply awful when it comes to Dirty Talk. I can't do it; I never have and I never will. There are just some words out there that make me blush and giggle like a schoolboy every time I hear them (titmouse, woodcock, titpecker), and it will probably always be that way. I wish I could sit here and tell you that I'm an absolute stud when it comes to each and every facet of gettin' it awn, but we both know that's just not true.

At the end of the day, the Missus doesn't need me to be shouting obscenities or whispering sweet nothings, because she usually likes to ball gag me, instead. I married her because she knows that I cannot play The Mating Game to save my sorry, dumb ass, and she's totally cool with it.

Sometimes, she even lets me stay up late and watch TV. With cookies!

Internet-wise, I'm not capable of typing something that I wouldn't be able to say out loud to someone. I'm a man of facts, not a man of fantasy, and slipping into a fake and dirty persona is almost impossible for me. Even in 1995, when I couldn't wait to be a different person than the loser I had become.

I guess that's how I was raised; stacked to the rafters with guilt and shame, pushing all lustful feelings into the pit of my stomach until I eventually went out and skinned some hooker alive.

But on this night, I was ready to dip my toes into the fast-evolving world of cyber sex. It wasn't long before I realized that I had no business being in the pool in the first place.

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: A/S/L?

theCDP: 18/M/CA, you?
(In reality, I was 13 and lived in Larsen; an unincorporated town in Wisconsin.)

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: 21F/MA

theCDP: Das' cool.
(Go Red Sox! I was feeling better already.)

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: Wat u do for a living?

theCDP: I'm a writer. You?
(Okay, the lies were coming easier now. I was in the zone!)

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: Stripper
(Beautiful! The role playing had begun, and I was poised at the ready. She was probably a 45 year old man, but I wasn't in the mood for reality at this point. Lie to me, baby!)

theCDP: Rad!

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: Did u jus say 'RAD?'
(I sometimes forgot that I was the only kid in the world who said 'rad' in 1995.)

theCDP: Sorry. I guess I'm an idiot.
(That was strike one. I really didn't want this super-hot fantasy stripper to ditch me, so I had to focus.)

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: um....ok

theCDP: you have implants?
(I wasn't going to waste any more time with 80's surfer talk and chit-chat; I went in for the kill. Besides, that's a tactful enough question to ask a stripper, right?)

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: nope, 38DD all natural.
(Now we're getting somewhere. I put in Green Day's 'Insomniac' album and shut off all of the lights.)

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: and I'm only 5'3"
(Um, okay. Even as a rookie in the cyber-sex game, I still think that she should have throttled back a bit. Either she was completely full of it, or she was 400 pounds, fantasy or not. I left it at that.)

theCDP: Wow.
(This was the sound of me officially running out of things to say. I honestly never thought the conversation would go this way. Furthermore, I was feeling ickier by the second.)

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: Yea, they like bowling balls, lol

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: Wanna go bowling?
(Oh, what a move! A metaphor! I get metaphors! Of course I want to go bowling!)

theCDP: Hells yeah!
(It took silencing every intelligent voice in my head to write that. Sometimes you have to write like a typical idiot if you want to be treated like a typical idiot. This was one of those times.)

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: So....wats your avg bowling score?
(What? Average bowling score? What was she referring to? Did I misunderstand? Were we actually talking about bowling now? Gosh, this cyber-sex stuff is hard! Not wanting to look like an idiot, I came up with the best answer I could think of.)

theCDP: Oh, about 280.
(That'll turn her on.)

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: Wow, u must like big girls!
(Oops, strike two. I silently nodded my head and began to wonder what I was doing here in the first place. How could it be that I was actually a far smoother talker in reality than in fantasy?)

theCDP: Sorry, I lost track of the metaphors.
(Stupid me, breaking character again. Why is this so difficult for me? Think man, think! You're a writer, damn it! Get literal!)

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: well, try and keep up or youre gunna miss out!

theCDP: Yes, ma'am.
(Even in a fantasy world, I was coming off like the biggest loser alive. Maybe there was just never any hope for a guy like me.)

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: Sooo....wat you wanna play?

theCDP: I don't know.
(I was getting depressed at this point, because I really didn't know. Scrabble and Jeopardy were my top two choices at this point, as there was no chance whatsoever I was going to make this work for me, despite all the effort in the world from my new stripper friend. I guess I was just a loser, and no amount of distance between me and the world was going to hide that.)

*SexyInsomniakGrrrl Has Signed Off.*

Take your fantasy and shove it.


Do people honestly chat anymore? I had no idea that these avenues still existed in such a massive quantity until I started watching the Dateline specials last year. I guess no matter what my ego may convince me of, trends don't simply disappear just because I've moved on from them (see: Punk Rock, Meat, Zubaz).

What was once a mecca and cornerstone of the Information Superhighway now resembles more of a graveyard than anything. Chat rooms now are full of young people who have just connected to the Internet for the first time, and older people that possess a 6-figure porn collection. In that regard, I guess it's just like the old days, only much creepier now that I'm older.

As far as I go, I never fully learned how to properly seduce a woman with my words. Sure, people tell me that I have a halfway sexy radio voice and I can make anyone laugh, but I just can't help but use these powers for good instead of evil. If I'm not allowed to be honest, I crash and burn, and everyone around me knows it. As far as I'm concerned, it's better for me this way.

When me and the Missus started dating, we spent a lot of time together chatting online. As our relationship and feelings for each other grew, so did the overall tone and mood of our conversations. This came naturally for me, as everything I was saying was the truth, and I knew what was waiting for me on the other end of the fiber-optic cable.

Perhaps my unwillingness to adapt to fantasy and suspension of disbelief is an illness, instead of an advanced evolutionary trait? Perhaps I shouldn't feel sorry for everyone able to turn off their conscious every once in awhile; perhaps they should feel sorry for me?

I don't know for sure, but I'll tell you this:

I'm never playing pool again.

I used to enjoy the AOL chat rooms back in the day, not the person to person chats but the public chat rooms. I used to take polls to see how pimpz there were compared to how many playaz. I'd also try to get people to clarify the difference between the two. It was also fun entering a chat room and saying "Who here has nailed Britney Spears?"
I know your a big AD fan, but you might want to consider changing your screen name. I think XXXaNalrApiSt52 is attracting the wrong kind of person.

In College we had a library computer room filled with top of the line 486s. There was a chat room you could go to by typing some sort code. People could create rooms with desriptions and link other people to them. You could travel around these virtual rooms.
There were guys there that were only interested in coaxing some vitual partner in to a little cybersex. More than often these guys would have fully engaged and raged session only to find out it was another guy one row over. (and no, I never could write that way. i just watched)
PASTE - Did everyone start out using AOL? I remember thinking it was the only way to chat with people in 1994. How foolish in my youth.

For the record, I'm a playa.

BLUSTACON - I would have loved to see the look on those guy's faces after finding out who their chat partner was. When fantasy and reality collide, it usually ends with someone crying.
I didn't get the internet until I was 15, so I guess I missed out on all that. My only cyber-sex experience was just responding to guys who say "Wanna Cyber?" and then responding with the most horrible, inept things I could think of in order to make them feel stupid and inadequate.

One time in high school, my friends and I were "chatting" in a "chat room" during Spanish Class on the school computers. You couldn't get into any good chats, only telnets. Much to my surprise, I found a very nice girl in this telnet who also enjoyed the music I liked, enjoyed my same hobbies, and was from Appleton! I was so excited at the prospect of having found such a great new friend, that I immediately went home and tried to find this girl's number in the phone book. I called my friend Amy, who also had been in the Spanish class, to let her know that I thought I had found the girl's number and was going to call her. It was at this point that Amy broke it to me that SHE had been the girl in the chat, and it was all a joke. It was a pretty feeble joke, but I felt bad nonetheless. I suppose I should have been happy that I actually HAD a friend who liked the same music as me and had the same hobbies, sitting 2 feet away in Spanish class. Also, I should have realized it was two good to be true when everyone else in the chat room was from the Phillipines and was speaking nothing but Tagalog.

I don't miss that one bit.

Hathery, I think you still function under that principle. You manage to say the most horrible and inept things to me whenever I'm feeling romantic.

No, wait... that's me.

Carry on.
For the record, I think I might be using that 'finger' picture as my new avatar. That's some good stuff, right there.
Back in '97 or so, where else was there to chat than AOL? I'm sure there were other chat places available, but AOL was by far the most popular therefore attracting the lowest common denominator.

I also got the Star Wars chat room to do a group hug once.

Every once in a while you'd run into someone who was genuinely funny/clever and that was actually pretty fun.
I hear you. As far as I was concerned, AOL was the only game in town. I actually kept my AOL e-mail address all the way up to 2002, when it became flooded with literally thousands of spam e-mails.

You're right, it's nice to sift through the muck and actually find people out there that understand the absurdity of it all. I'd like to think that the CDP has done a fantastic job of sorting out the 'smarts' from the 'marks.' I enjoy our community more than any other one out there; mainly because it's mine.

A group hug, 'eh? That gives me an idea...

I think I'll have some toast!
Yeah, you have some quality s**t going on here.
Oh, and that's a pretty badass pic. Wait, is that Hello Kitty in the background?
On the bulletin board by my computer, I have some assorted photographs, along with a few hand-drawn cartoons I've done over the years.

So it's actually far more girly than Hello Kitty. In fact, I've just negated anything remotely cool about that pic.
I didn't see Wisconsin coming...
Heh-heh, everyone needs that one team to cheer for, or the brackets mean nothing.

I'm rooting for a Terps-Badgers regional final, however; despite the fact that Florida should handily destroy anyone they play.

Can't believe this wasn't a bigger story...

With that said, Duckie V will slip up about the rest of the Donovan conversation that leads to the NCAA finding out about Noah and Horford's "incentive" for staying this year.

If this doesn't happen, you're right. Florida is one tough cookie.
Dickie V is a stone-cold idiot. I can't believe that he pulled his head far enough out of Coach K's ass to even conduct an interview.

That all being said, after I saw Noah's post-game antics this weekend, I'd say he has a nice and bright future with the NBA.

Yeah, that was a huge dig. Someone has to destroy this team early, or it's all over.
I also started out on AOL. I loved making up randomly titled chat rooms and seeing what kind of people I could attract.

My all-time best was Breakfast Cereal Fanatics. I spent the better part of an evening debating someone in Booberry vs. Count Chocula. To this day, I have no idea if the person was serious, or just a jackass like me.
That person was me, and I'm still telling you that Count Chocula was gay!
He is not! He's bi-curious, damnit!
All's I know is that the Honey Monster could kick both their asses.
Well, I'm off of the Count Chocula bandwagon these days anyway.

I now spend my time devoted to a worthy cause - bringing back the Mr. T cereal. I'm doing it for the children, as they are our future.
Mr T cereal will always have a place in history alongside Pee Wee's Big Adventure
I was a fan of the Nintendo Cereal System, myself.

By the way, if anyone read my 'Honey Monster' essay, you'll remember that I was trying to locate a cereal called Circus O's, mainly because of a terrifying commercial I remember seeing at the age of 5.

The reason I was having trouble locating the commercial was because the cereal was actually called Circus Fun, and yes, the commercial was just as surreal as it was in 1986.

I'm just glad it exists. For years, I thought I had made it up.

Circus Fun
What was it that scared you exactly? The elephants? Lions? balls? or the clown ruthlessly butchering the Mom in the background?

As a kid we only dreamed of animal shaped marshmellows. My Mom only bought crazy cereal like Cheerios and rice crispies. Every once in a while she'd shake it up with giant wheat cereal that was about the size of a brick.
When I saw that commercial, I was 5 years old and was suffering from a 100-degree fever. I was waking and dreaming so much that I didn't know what was real and what was subconscious.

I was also watching it on a fuzzy black-and-white TV, which only heightened the non-reality of it.

To top it all off, the commercial that I saw in particular was building the suspense for what the new marshmallow animal was going to be. The usual end of the commercial was abruptly cut off and replaced by a giant question mark and some ominous music.

It was messed up, dude.
I'm sorry you had to go through that. When will it end.
When i was five the song maneater used to scare me. The idea that there was a woman out there eating men kept me up at night.
Wow, I just came up with 89 different jokes for that comment.

None of which I will print, however.
Speaking of songs and confusion, does anyone remember that song Venus by Shocking Blue?

It has the line "I am your Venus, I am your fire, your desire."

From the time I first heard it until about the age of 12, I thought it said "I am your penis." I was completely bewildered about the song's meaning.
It probably makes more sense the way you were singing it, JT. That song sucks.

I always thought Bananarama sang that song. Shows what I know.
Bananarama does sing that song. Every time the commercial comes on for the Venus razor that uses that song in the background, I still sing the "I'm your penis" line to this day. The CDP can verify that.

Speaking of commercials that spooked me as a child...I was always scared of the Tums commercial. You know, the one that goes "Tum, tum tum tum TUMS!" It was always on during the lunch hour when my dad would come from work to eat his lunch. The TV always became ominously loud during that commercial, and I found it quite frightening. Those TUMS really seemed to mean business. Mr. Clean sort of freaked me out, too...he looked like some sort of escaped convict or creepy-neighbor-turned-child-molester.
There are enough classic commercials from my youth on YouTube to give the CDP material for the next 3 years.

Those Tums do mean business; they always work for me.
As far as I can tell, both Shocking Blue and Bananarama sing that song. I believe, however, that Bananarama sings the more popular version.

My favorite commercials were the Schlitz Malt Liquor ones with the bull charging through the wall.

No wonder I grew up to be so gangsta.
Who cares about when i was little. I'll tell you that feminine product commercials STILL give me the heebie jeebies. yeah i said that
I'm not just talking about the obvious ones that bait you with spread eagled gymnists and yoga instructors. My wife and I were sitting through one for Monistat One for the umpteenth time. After looking at the giant white pill I finally had had enough.

ME: "Look at the size of that thing! How could anyone swallow that thing?"

She then gave me her best 'are you kidding or retarded' look

HER: "You don't swallow it"

ME: "what?! huh? ooohhh. gross."
Who wears short shorts?
Don't feel bad, Blustacon, I'm pretty sure me and my wife had this same conversation a few years ago.

It was a big day for all of us.

I've spent most of the day checking out old Nintendo commercials, and the McDonalds "Mac Tonight" campaign.
As far as I'm concerned, there are some products (i.e. feminine products) that just don't need to be advertised. People are just going to buy them. Women do not need to be humored by pretending periods are a great and fun time to be enjoyed by all (see Kotex "Have a Happy Period" ad campaign for more information). It's best if advertisers just shut up about it, let us buy their damn products, and allow us ladies to brood in peace.
And by "brood", I meant "to sit upon (eggs) to hatch, as a bird; incubate." That's what I like to do.
Best/scariest old commercial ever...

Wow, that was funny.

I didn't even know that game existed. Something tells me that your friend Kirk has that game somewhere in his house. That dude has everything.

My wife lays eggs.
Funny thing, that commercial is how I started to get to know Kirk. He had a videotape of it, and he brought his laptop over to my apartment so I could help him figure out how to capture the video and get it converted to an emailable size. This was back in '97 or '98 when such things were not quite so easy.
Paste- That was easily the funniest thing I have ever seen. It was wrong on sooo many levels I can't believe it hasn't imploded on itself.

Thank you for sharing.
Paste, isn't it weird that I knew that?

It's weird to me. As soon as I saw it, I thought, "Kirk."

Whenever I'm on his blog, I try to envision what his house must look like. It always kind of looks like what Mad Magazine headquarters looked like on The Simpsons.
It's a good house. I hope he gets famous so he can be on Cribs.
If I were on Cribs, I would be absolutely pathetic like half the peeople I see on there. They'd open my fridge, and there would be like one moldy orange and a can of Diet Coke. That's always sad.

CDP, can you please get going on publishing a book so I have more than a moldy orange when they come to our house? Thanks. Love, Wife

I was actually thinking about doing a Cribz-style video for the page. You know, a tour around CDP Headquarters and whatnot.

I think that this summer would be a very good time to begin work on the long-awaited CDP book. How hard can it be to copy and paste 100 of these posts?
Apparently very hard, or you would have done it by now. Get crackin', boy-ee!
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