Friday, March 30

Lost Friday - "Expose'."

Lost Friday - Expose'.
Season 3 - Episode 14: "Expose'."

Another Lost Friday is upon us. We have much to discuss, so calm right the hell down.

Man alive, people have been jumping all over this episode. The nerds are wetting their pants about continuity errors, the intellectuals are complaining about the over-the-top storyline, and everyone's complaining about the Tales From The Crypt-style 3rd Act. Furthermore, everyone walked away from this episode despising Nikki and Paulo far more than they already did. Man, is that even possible? Could I be using more italics in this paragraph?

I don't get it.

Seriously, this episode was brilliant. You should be applauding the writers that created it. Getting down on your chubby knees, wiping the powdered sugar off of your collective maws and kissing the bronze feet of Edward Kitsis and Adam Horowitz.

Bless you, Lost.


You got a very innovative flashback/flash-forward storytelling style, the return of Shannon and (bisexual) Boone (I'll explain later), new footage masterfully mixed in with Pilot footage, a spot-on satire of Soap Operas, a pre-explosion Dr. Arzt, giant poisonous spiders, Billy Dee Freaking Williams, a fat guy playing ping-pong, and arguably two of the most brutal deaths I've ever seen on mainstream television.


"Why didn't Paulo tell anyone about the Beechcraft and the Pearl station? Why didn't he tell anyone about the walkie-talkie? Why didn't he tell anyone about the conversation he overheard between Ben and Juliet?"

Well, because he's a stone-cold idiot, that's why. And a real douchebag to boot. You already knew that these two people were complete and utter knob-nozzles, so what made you think that this episode would change your mind? After weeks of wishing that these two auxiliary players would just shut up and die already, your wishes were granted in the most grandiose of fashions. I mean, Sawyer buried this chick alive, bent over her her tomb and said "Thanks for nothing," while she slowly suffocated under two feet of sand.

If that's not bad ass, I really don't know what is.

Wow, it's the Crypt Keeper!

"Greetings, Boils and Ghouls! Tonight's terrifying tale of traumatic torture is about two lovers who fight over some die-monds and bury the hatchet.... Alive, that is! BLAH-HAHAHAHA!!!"

Wow...sorry about that, everyone. Here's the Thick & Meaty!

Thick And Meaty.


Because Nikki is completely void of decent acting skills (both the character and the woman who plays her), she naturally gets a job working on a Soap Opera. This is supposedly her 'big break,' and she's shooting her scene in Sydney.

A few boobs and a mess of gunshots later, we find out that Nikki has developed an ongoing relationship with Howard, the producer of the show. As a side note, if you're an aspiring actress (or confused actor) attempting to sleep your way to the top, please realize that a Soap Opera is about as close to the 'top' as shooting an Arby's commercial in Thailand. You might want to consider setting that bar a twitch higher next time.

But fear not! Nikki has a plan. It involves poisoning her Aaron Spelling-like Sugar Daddy, swiping his 8 million dollar diamond stash and making off with his personal chef, Paulo. This goes about as well as you would hope, and they eventually wind up on Oceanic 815.


Shortly after the plane crashes, we are once again treated to the single most annoying scene in Lost history, Shannon screaming at the top of her lungs for absolutely no reason. How this shot has managed to work its way into no less than 10 episodes is anyone's guess.

Instantly, Nikki and Paulo start looking for their bag with the diamonds in it. Thinking they will be rescued at any moment, they realize that they have to find the bag fairly quickly. Ethan Rom shows up, proudly sporting a Wisconsin sweatshirt, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that he's 100% NOT EVIL.

"Hey, I'm not an Other," he says. "Need anyone killed?"

With the help of Dr. Explodiepants, Nikki and Paulo head out in search of their missing bag. They instead stumble upon the Beechcraft and Pearl Station, marking the first of about a hundred billion things that they should have told someone about, but didn't.

Eventually, Paulo finds the bag at the bottom of the waterfall. He tells Nikki that he didn't find it, however; opting to temporarily hide the Matryoshka doll in his butthole.

Paulo (understandably) gets sick of this after awhile, so he heads down into the Pearl to hide the diamonds. While he's busy stuffing them into the toilet tank, Ben and Juliet show up and engage in one of the worst batches of dialogue I've ever seen. It served no relevance to the story, other than to make it look like Paulo was around for some of the more important Island moments. They eventually leave and Paulo swipes their walkie-talkie, which he never once uses or even mentions to anybody.


A few days later, Locke leads an expedition back to the Pearl Station, which Nikki and Paulo tag along to. Paulo grabs the diamonds again, keeping alive the theory that every time someone goes into a bathroom, they're doing something evil. Eventually, Nikki figures out that Paulo has the diamonds and looks to shoot him (seems understandable). Sawyer refuses to give her a gun without a 7-day waiting period. She grabs a spider instead.

Here it comes, so pay attention:

Nikki brings Paulo into the jungle and confronts him about having the diamonds. He feigns ignorance but she shows him the nicotine gum, proving he has found their bags. She takes out one of Dr Arzt's specimen jars, opens it, and flings a Medusa spider at Paulo. It lands on his neck and bites him. He kills it, and it's remains stuck to his hand. She tells him that it's called the Medusa spider because it paralyzes the victim for around 8 hours and slows the heart. Paulo collapses and can't move. Nikki calmly begins to search him for the diamonds, at first guessing that they are hidden in his shoe. She takes off his shoe and throws it into a tree. She opens his pants and finds the pouch in his underwear. Paulo tells her he took the diamonds because he was afraid of losing her if she found the diamonds and didn't need him anymore. Nikki is distracted as many Medusa spiders, attracted by the scent of the smashed female spider, march towards the pair. Nikki is bitten by one and she runs away. Nikki runs through the jungle, stops suddenly and digs a hole, burying the diamonds, then continues running. On the beach, Sawyer and Hurley are playing ping-pong when Nikki staggers towards them and collapses, mumbling "paralyzed."


The only thing you need to know here is that Nikki and Paulo were accidentally buried alive by Sawyer and Hurley; unaware that they were the victims of a paralyzing spider bite. Rawk!

Just think of it as like Romeo and Juliet, only with people that we couldn't care less about.

So... more like the re-make of Romeo and Juliet.

WHY BOONE IS GAY (or at least bi-sexual):

The writers and producers of this show kept hinting and claiming that one of the characters would be outed this week, and they kept their end of the bargain, regardless of if they were just screwing with us.

In the airport scene with Shannon and Boone, Shannon remarks that they're late for the flight because Boone kept 'flirting with random guys.' Ta-Dah!

Yeah, it's pretty weak. But it is funny and the producers deserve extra points for getting people all fired up for a throwaway joke. Bravo, that was awesome.

Speaking of awesome, here are 5 Awesome Things!

5 Awesome Things...

This week's topic is: 5 Awesome Things... Better Than Bulletproof Breasts.

Early on in the episode, we were treated to this ridiculous and downright trashy excerpt of dialogue between Nikki and Howard. I'm paraphrasing, but it went something like this:

Old Guy: "You know, we could write your character back onto the show."
Whore: "I was shot six times."
Old Guy: "We could say you were wearing a bulletproof vest."
(Whore opens her robe to reveal nothing but a skimpy top)
Old Guy: "...Or bulletproof breasts."

That got me to thinking. While that might be a useful superpower every now and again, there must be better ones out there. Here now, my findings.

1 - Waterproof Weiner.

2 - Shockproof Scrotum.

3 - Retractable Rectum.

4 - Nothing.

5 - Purple Nurpleproof Nurples.

Enough Mommy and Daddy talk. Let's Break It Down!

Break It Down!

4 - I'll admit that I had some serious doubts about this episode for about the first half-hour. Once I saw how wonderfully they interwove the old and new footage, along with the stereotypical Soap Opera ending (a great call-back reference and a fitting climax), I made the distinction that this was one of the more original and clever episodes of Lost I've seen in awhile.

Sure, the scene with Juliet and Ben was unnecessarily tacked-on, and served no purpose other than to place Paulo 'in the moment' with some vital (and unshared) information. The dialogue was clunky and essentially made Ben and Juliet, two fantastic actors, look a bit weak. Other than that, however, I geeked out at the conclusion just the same.

Tell me you geeked out. Tell me. Come on, you know how I like it.

8 - I like how every time they came back from a flashback, they showed a close-up of one of the two corpses. They really wanted to pound home the idea that these two people were very much dead and not at all paralyzed by a rare poisonous spider.

Wait, what?

Man, from reading some of these plot outlines, you'd get the impression that Lost is the most scattershot and unbelievably ridiculous show on television. How they manage to tie it together without coming off like absolute nutbags and hacks is beyond me.

15 - Best line of the night? "Who the hell is Nikki?"

This was said by Sawyer just seconds after it was said by 6 million viewers of the show. I love how the writers acknowledged that Nikki and Paulo were never properly introduced, nor were they the least bit important during their brief tenure in front of the camera.

16 - Paulo had about 5 lines of dialogue this week, and nearly every single one of them was unintelligible. Who taught this guy to speak English, Ricardo Montalban?

I just LOVE incredibly recent television nostalgia.
("Ricardo Montalban?")

23 - The first 15 minutes were about as predictable as you can get. I called the Soap Opera thing about 5 seconds in, and the Old Producer double-cross about a minute later. I did, however, like the Pulp Fiction-esque handling of the diamonds until the 3rd act. For awhile I was operating under the assumption that there was a monkey's paw stuffed in that velvet bag. Or Marcellus Wallace's soul.

Best movie ever.

42 - As the episode was winding down, and we all became informed that Nikki and Paulo were, in fact, being buried alive, I was standing in my living room, shouting "Smash cut! Smash cut!" at the screen. I was so worried that Nikki would spring back to life before they had the chance to bury her, I just wanted the episode to end as quickly as possible. If the episode ended, I thought, then they were truly dead and not coming back to my television next week.

As it were, I'd only accept seeing them again if they were zombies. Now that would be cool.

Cover your ears! Divert your vision from my sexiness! Here comes The Preview!

The Preview - Just for you, baby.

4 - Episode 15 will be titled "Left Behind." It will be Kate-centric. Expect tank-tops and greasiness aplenty.

8 - The official press release from ABC reads: "After discovering that one of her own has betrayed her to 'The Others,' Kate is left to fend for herself in the jungle with Juliet. Meanwhile, Hurley warns Sawyer to change his selfish ways and make amends with his fellow survivors or he may face a vote of banishment."

Come on, please stop softening Sawyer's character. We already know he's a halfway decent guy, just let him have his nicknames, beer and porn. It's all most bearded guys will ever ask for.

15 - Expect to see more cat-and-mouse action between Kate and the Marshall in the flashbacks. I honestly don't know what else there is to talk about in Kate's past, but I guess we'll have to see. We won't be heading back to the Locke/Anthony storyline for 4 more weeks, so I fully expect this episode to hang around the house and chew scenery. Like Matthew Fox.

16 - I don't know if you've seen the previews or not, but Juliet and Kate appear to be handcuffed together in the jungle, banished from the camp for one reason or another. This leads to an argument, which leads to the mother of all Castaway Catfights. If you're a Juliet or Kate fan, you just may want to DVR this for future viewings.

Just sayin'.

23 - Remember Cassidy? The girl who had Sawyer's baby (Clementine)? Well, she'll be appearing in this episode for some reason. Keep an eye out for her, as it may raise some type of Kate-Sawyer off-island connection.

Or, maybe they'll just throw her on there to be cutesy and appear clever. They do that sometimes.

42 - Wrestlemania 23 is this Sunday. Yes, I will be watching it, and yes, it costs $50.

No, I'm not a loser.

Well, maybe I am. Chicks dig me, though.

No. No they don't.

Well, there you go. Another Lost Friday in the books. Start the discussion in the comments section, or send all private and erotic e-mail to If you feel like supporting the CDP in any way, you can buy some quality merch at the CDP Webstore, or simply make a PayPal donation (the link is in the sidebar). Once you're done polishing my ego like a Buffalo Nickel, head on over to The Coconut Internet and say hello. They'll be glad you did.

As always, here are links to every Lost Friday this season. They smell like pine and always tip over 30%. Have a good weekend, kids.

Season 3 Preview
Season 3 - Episode 1 Review
Season 3 - Episode 2 Review
Season 3 - Episode 3 Review
Season 3 - Episode 4 Review
Season 3 - Episode 5 Review
Season 3 - Episode 6 Review
Season 3 - Episode 7 Review
Season 3 - Episode 8 Review
Season 3 - Episode 9 Review
Season 3 - Episode 10 Review
Season 3 - Episode 11 Review
Season 3 - Episode 12 Review
Season 3 - Episode 13 Review

Wow! I'm actually first at something!

Yeah, this episode was extremely twisted, just how I like it. I really hope nobody (Vincent) goes digging those two oxygen-wasters up.

Great recap, CDP! See ya on the CI!

Maybe that will be an ongoing joke as the season progresses. Vincent will be seen in the background, struggling with some random limb or skull.
I think it would serve them quite right to have their corpses dragged around the island by Vincent until there is nothing left.

I just hope Sun digs up the diamonds and keeps them. I know they're worthless on the island, but my goodness--they're diamonds!!!
P.S. CDP- thanks for the changes. Sounds much better.
I have a wonderful editor.

You know, I would put it above the Lost crew to do that. Every time you see Vincent carrying around something that he's not supposed to have, just assume that it once was attached to Nikki or Paulo. You'll enjoy it on a much deeper level.
CDP - Did you see my Tigers fall apart at the seams last night? drove me to drink.

That, and the fact that it was after 5 o'clocl and I was breathing.
I did watch the game, JT. They were down by so much at the start of the second half, I thought it was all over. Then they came back, gave us all false hope, and THEN it was over.

Well, take pride that they finished 67th place in NCAA Division I Basketball. That's better than....say, me.

The Badgers were a far bigger disappointment, however.
Yeah, my standard line for today is

"We didn't lose, we just ran out of time."

Haven't forgotten about your promised package, just busy with the new house/new job/new skirt.
Yup, if Clemson got to play a third half, they'd be NIT champions.

I'm eagerly anticipating the package; is it legal to send alcohol through the mail?
I think HaloChick may have something there. That conversation between Locke and Paulo had a fore shadow stretched to the horizon.

I liked this episode because it gave more depth to what's happening behind the main story. We get to know some of the peripheral characters a little better before they get horribly killed.
Yeah, it wasn't amazing, but I still enjoyed it a great deal.

I like how Locke couldn't care less about what Paulo was hiding. It just makes you wonder what Locke's been stashing all over the island.

Scalp wax?
Legal? No.

Is that stopping me? No.

It will be packaged with care to ensure that it does not leak, break, and the sloshing is kept to a minimum.
Razzle Dazzle!
Hooray for postal contraband!!!

The dialogue between Juliet and Ben in the hatch reminded me of the Law & Order dialogue the CDP and I catch a snippet of every time we turn on Monday Night Raw. It's always some over-acted, over-the-top explanation of who did the murder and why. It's always ridiculously overexplained to make sure that no one, no matter how idiotic they might be, could be confused by the explanation.
I just realized how funny that is that I am criticizing Law & Order, but the show we're tuning in to watch is WWE Monday Night Raw. haha.
I thought it was a great if unnecessary epidose. With all of the island mysteries yet to be solved we needed to waste an hour on an Edgar Allen Poe rehash? But it was an interesting episode.

I noticed something this week that may or may not have been mentioned a million times before: body hair. Sawyer's muscled frame is swimmer smooth; Sun's armpits are hair free; and of course there's Mr. Clean's pate.

And while a plant-based dipilatory might have been discovered, what's keeping Sawyer's, Jack's, Hurley's and Charlie's perpetual stubble in check?
The body hair issue falls under the category of what is 'Ugly' and what is 'TV Ugly.' They want us to know that these people are attempting to survive in the jungle, but they don't want to remind you of all the nasty details.

Network TV: Keeping regular-looking people off of the air for 80 years.

Monday Night Raw is supposed to be completely over-the-top; pro wrestling is a modern-day 3-Ring Circus. Law & Order has no excuse.
Most people travel with disposable razors (at least I do), so I would think that's probably how they're keeping so smooth. Let's just pretend that's how, for the purpose of suspending our disbelief.
I've seen Locke shaving (his face) on the beach, that's all the explanation I care to have.
It's a good thing Phish fans like Lost...
I've been enjoying that. Thanks, everyone!
I have to ask, does anyone one recall what type of vessel Rousseau came in on? I can't recall. Was it a submarine?

Who the hell is Nikki?
Meh. I was disappointed by this episode. It had nothing to do with any of the story lines on the island, and starred two people nobody cares about. My wife watched it before me, and after I watched it, she asked, "So what did you think?" I told her I found it pointless, and she said, "Well, did you watch all the way to the end? They were buried alive!!" I just said, "Yeah...but I just don't care about them. Who cares if they die? They have nothing to do with anything."

It just seemed like this episode was filler. Maybe it's just me...
According to the writers, this episode pretty much was filler. They knew they made a mistake with these two characters, and gave them one episode to tell their story and skidaddle.

As far as throwaway episodes go, you have to admit that it was pretty clever.

TOMB - I'm pretty sure that Rousseau and company came in on a ship.
Hadn't thought of disposable razors.

Weren't Rousseau and Co. "researchers" or some such TV Land scientist types? Didn't they hear the numbers being broadcast (same broadcast that Hurley's looney bin friend heard) and decided to investigate the source of the transmission?

Then everyone died of a mysterious disease, her baby was stolen, and she used her alone time to build the same electrocution device used in one of the Rambo movies and go bat shit crazy. At least that's how I remember it.
That's how I remember it too. So are we ever going to find out about the "mysterious transmission"? Sort of has gone to the wayside, hasn't it?
We'll find out more about the Transmission later on in the season. We're going to get a 1970's episode that focuses entirely on DHARMA.

Late to the commenting party, as usual. I was talking to someone at work about this week's episode, and the idea of island zombies came up. The only thing better than a dead Nikki & Paolo would be a zombie Nikki & Paolo. After all -didn't Locke say that nothing on the island stays buried? I pegged "not quite dead yet" when Vincent wouldn't let them stay covered. In all, not my favorite episode, but I enjoyed parts of it ("razzle dazzle!"). The teaser from last week was sooo misleading, though. Total plot line red herring. I was actually looking forward to seeing Sun clock Sawyer with a shovel...
Is anyone else just completely creeped out when Ethan is on screen? He just kind of slides on screen and stares intently at whomever he's talking to. I swear I see pinwheels in his eyes and hear whispered thoughts of chianti and fava beans.
BLUSTACON - Yeah, Ethan is a total fruitball. He does a great job of acting psychotic. I liked that he was wearing a Wisconsin sweatshirt as a means to blend in and appear as if he wasn't a deranged killer.

MAUS - I would be really, really surprised if they brought N&P back to the show. I'd like to think that this was their 'blow-off' episode, but if they came back as zombies, that would be more than okay with me.
I'm hoping to see them in severed-limb-being-dragged-around-the-island-by-Vincent form only.

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