Monday, April 2

I Don't Have Any Black Friends.

The First Week Of Spring.

This is unacceptable.

I went to school with black folks. I went to college with black folks. I work 40 hours a week with black folks. Yet, despite all of this, I've never been part of what I would consider a 'friend' relationship with someone of African-American ethnicity.

Sure, I have black acquaintances. I have black chums. I'm even on 'knuckle-bump' status with a couple. I mean, my wife has black friends, why can't I? What am I doing wrong?

I have Latino friends. I have Scandinavian friends. I have Jewish friends, along with almost every other major organized religion. I have friends that come from each and every corner of Asia. I have gay friends, I have lesbian friends and I have friends that aren't even legally supposed to be here. Why in the hell is it so hard for me to corral a black guy, just one black guy, into watching a basketball game and having a beer or two afterwards?

If you or someone you know is black, and wants to be my friend, drop a line in the comments section or send an e-mail to I look forward to hearing from you.

That is hilarious. You work in a predominantly white female office, so that probably has something to do with it.
Whew. For a second, I thought nobody was going to get it and instantly brand me a racist for some reason.

Anticipating racial accusations in 3...2...1...
"The CDP does not care about black people" - Kanye West, 2007
Somewhere, Mike Meyers is looking really out of place.
Look at the way Tinker is lovingly caressing your arm. Would she love you that way if you were a racist??? (Probably...she's a spiteful little animal)
Tinker only lays down with white men.
I'm willing to put on black face makeup and have my picture taken with you.

Whether that makes you look more racist or less racist is debatable, however.
That probably won't help the cause any, that's for sure.
Yeah, plus I have no idea where to get black face makeup, so I would probably wind up using chocolate frosting, which would be so delicious that I would eat my own face, resulting in a terrifingly hideous picture.
Worse yet, I might start eating your face, and then....well, we're going off into a whole 'nother world of hurt, there.
This I would pay to see.
Um, I can't think of even one African-American person at school!


Anyway, I have a black friend. I have a few. Two are comedians, and one's my co-workers boyfriend. However, they all are huge Bears fans, so I am required to hate the part of them that feels such loyalty to Chicago.

As far as blackface, I hear it's making a comeback. One of my favorite stories to regale is the one from 5th grade, when I told my teacher that I was going to orally present my quarter report on Harriet Tubman for extra credit, and then hauled my sister's old pilgrim costume along with all of this huge, ancient clown makeup kit that my mom had to school that day. I excused myself to the bathroom right before I was to "go on", where I dressed up and slathered dark brown makeup all over my face, arms, and hands.

I returned to the classroom, smiling, waiting patiently for Mrs. Kramer to call on me and basking in all of the attention from everyone staring at me. She called me to the front of the room, where I began to read the story of Harriet Tubman that I had written all in first person. About a paragraph in, there was a fire drill, so everyone in the entire elementary school was lead outside. I was a star.

Funny how nobody, not my mom or the teacher, told me that what I did was offensive, that blackface had a stigma, until I recalled that story to some friends a couple years ago.

I still don't quite get it, but I know the jist, as it's been explained to me quite a few times since 2005. I feel that I somehow didn't get in trouble for the original stunt for a reason. It is now my dream to somehow pull it off during one of my sets.
CDP - I like how we went from racism to cannabalism, all in the course of one comments section.

Hathery - My asking rate for face consumption is $63.50 per hour, plus travel expenses.

Kenny - That's just awesome.
Wow, Kenny.
See, that's what I'm talking about.

That was actually pretty hilarious.
Yo, yo, yo...

The interview with Pork Tornado's Dusty Scott is a go.

Black People Hate Me and They Hate My Glasses

(Not necessarily safe for work without headphones)
Crap; I don't have the updated Flash Player at work.

Now I have to just sit here and imagine how funny it is until I get home.

......Pretty funny, so far.
CDP, while we don't technically "know" each other, I think you'll appreciate what a truly terrible idea this is:

I start my second job as a bartender tonight.
Ruh-Roh! Conflict of interest! Try not to drink more than you can sell. And for God's sake, hide the PBR.

And JT, while we don't technically 'know' each other, I knew you'd appreciate how cool it was that I get to interview Dusty Scott.
Well, the one thing I have going for me is that the Village Idiot (appropriate, huh?) doesn't sell PBR. The down side is that they sell countless other beers.

And I can't wait to see the Dusty interview. I think the two of you feedign off of each other will be amazing.

Is it going to be email or phone, just out of curiousity?
It's just via e-mail. His lawyers advised him to stay away from me for some reason. If this goes well, I plan on doing interviews with everyone on the CDP Network. I think it's good for exposure and sort of fun at the same time.

There was a bar called the Village Idiot in the town I grew up in. Cosmic.
madison is 91% white.. just sayin'.. that might be contributing
I'm having a hard enough time rounding up white friends. Perhaps attempting to go exotic was flying too close to the sun...

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