Monday, May 7

The CDP Interview: Pork Tornado's Dusty Scott.

The CDP Interview - Pork Tornado's Dusty Scott.

Hailing from Atlanta, he's the current reigning World Heavyweight Champion of the Blogosphere. Since 2003, his brilliant personal essays, unflinching opinions and other-worldly sense of humor have gathered thousands of adoring fans and millions of hits to his site, We here at the CDP consider him to be the best Blogger on the net today, and we were fortunate enough to sit him down for 13 hard-hitting questions. Read and enjoy.

1. First off, how's Queasy doing?

Well, since we had all of her fur shaved off, The Skirt and I have been being nicer to her. We have almost completely stopped calling her “whorecat” and we pet her more often. If she were capable of thought, I’d imagine she would think she was dying.

2. I consider you to be the master of the simile. How much thought and time goes into a well-crafted simile? Do you come up with one or two during the day and try to work them into a post, or do they just come to you as you're writing?

Oddly, I consider you a metaphor. Isn’t that neat? The comparisons (and anything else that is worth typing) usually pop into the old noggin at a random time, but I make a very conscious effort not to forget them and I usually try to write some surrounding content in my brain to make sure it stays there. I’ve always been a huge fan of sayings like “f***ing up a one-car funeral”, “a pinch of sh*t in a gallon of ice cream”, and so on. Any time I see or hear something that strikes me as specifically and universally accepted as a certain way (such as building a house of cards requiring motor skills and dexterity), I have to think of the antithesis of that, which to most people would be something huge and lumbering, like a gorilla or Rosie O’donnell.

The problem is that “building a house of cards with a gorilla” is sort of the low-hanging joke that anyone could think of. I am a sick man who is going to hell, so Muhammad Ali would take the gorilla’s place because he’s shaky.

3. On Inside the Actors Studio, Jamie Foxx defined a 'playa' as someone that's "Moving culture. Anyone that does and says things that other people are interested in listening to." By that definition, you are definitely a 'playa.' Do you consider this accurate and/or frightening in any way?

I define “playa” as the word my housekeeper uses for “beach”. Jaime Foxx and I have never seen eye to eye on this matter. The only reason people are interested in listening to what I say is because I was cursed with the ability to spin a tale. Nothing I write is profound or even intelligent most of the time. I installed a garbage disposal and slammed my ear in the oven. Most people have the good sense to just call that a bad day. I have to write a damn novel.

4. About how many hits/e-mails does Salami Tsunami/Pork Tornado get every month? How many did you get before the Worst Album Covers post? Any interesting e-mail stories you'd like to share?

The most it ever got in one month was (obviously) right after the album covers, when it topped a million. I think it gets somewhere between a dozen and a billion a day now. I get a decent number of emails (enough to maintain my false sense of relevance), and I probably respond to 95% of them. As with anything else, there are lots of people with varying degrees of psychosis out there who write some long, strange emails. I never really got off on making fun of people unless they really ask for it, so I just let it go and try not to encourage them because I don’t want them coming to my house to eat my reproductive organs in hope of gaining my powers.

5. In 10 words or less, tell us about the last time you accidentally hurt yourself.

Reached in the dishwasher and stabbed myself in the arm.

6. Tell me about how the Atlanta Illustrated gig came up. Why did you quit, and do you see yourself writing freelance again?

I do a lot of work with Atlanta Illustrated and the other companies that have spawned from it – I’m sort of their creative director in my spare time, and it’s a decent paying gig, but forcing myself to find something to write about every week just so my column wasn’t blank was taking the joy out of it. Writing is one of only a precious few things that I really enjoy and can do entirely on my terms, so I want to keep it that way. The end product is much better when I let it flow like so much pus.

7. What do you do for fun when you're not Blogging?

I’ll never say that blogging is a hobby because my girlfriend would have to leave me on principle. I love to draw portraits, flyfish, build stuff, mess with graphics software and animation, and I’m getting really good at masturbating.

8. Have you ever thought about becoming a published author? How would you feel about your essays being put into book form? Have you received any offers?

I’d love to write a book. I have some ideas floating around…I’m just not sure I have the attention span to do anything meaningful with it. No real offers, though. I get pitched by people now and then, but I haven’t run into anyone who had much more than a dream. I need a business plan before I’ll feel comfortable putting much time into it.

9. What's your favorite band/song/movie/TV show/beer?

Current favorite band is probably Porcupine Tree. I’m also spending a lot of time listening to an album called 66 steps and one of Trey Anastasio’s newer albums called Bar 17. Favorite song is “My Humps” of course. The best movie I have seen is called “The Journey”. Favorite TV show is probably Arrested Development. You know it’s good when they cancel it. I love all beer equally. Even the cheap crappy kind has its positives.

10. In my Blogging experience, I find that some of my funniest pieces get overlooked and underappreciated for some reason. What is, in your opinion, the funniest essay you've ever written? Did it get the attention you felt it deserved?

To this day, I don’t fully understand why the Album Covers were so huge. Therein lies proof that I will never be the inventor of the next big thing. I don’t know that I have a favorite entry. The one about the lion that adopted the baby antelope was kind of funny, and I liked writing the one about the non-PC PC. I also find a lot of humor in the responses of readers, particularly when they disagree with my political views. It’s cute when they are wrong and get all flustery.

11. You possess all of the essential elements of a great Blogger. Not only a heightened sense of awareness to all of the problems and foolishness around you, but enough humor, logic and honesty to see through it all; crafting it into something hilarious and interesting. Does this coincide with an overall 'message' you're trying to get across with Pork Tornado? Or is it simply a place to tell funny stories?

I don’t know how true all of the compliments are, but thanks for saying it. I don’t see any of it as anything that will change lives or cure disease or anything, but I know that there is an increasing percentage of people who are looking for something to read that doesn’t just sound like the same censored, feel good crap you hear everywhere else. I don’t think there is a message other than “Hey, you’re not the only one thinking it. Now let us bind ourselves together with twine made of logic and rule the universe.”

12. Name a couple of Bloggers that you look up to in terms of humor and writing style.

I’ve always liked Phil Hendrie, but I don’t think he keeps a blog anymore. I also think Eric Von Haessler is a thoughtful, intelligent guy with a logical outlook on most things (

Phil Collins (the blogger, not the drummer) had a blog that I found to be frigging beautiful, but he took it down because he wants me to be sad. He writes very honestly with a style that makes me jealous.

13. Do you have any advice to give to aspiring Bloggers out there?

Holy God, do I ever. I’m about to get on the soapbox:

First (and most important, as it applies to everything in life) – if it isn’t making you money or making you happy, there is no reason to do it. If it does both, then you have won.

Second, if you aren’t funny, don’t try to be funny. I didn’t have to try out for the high school basketball team to know that I was not a basketball player. The world needs Rocket surgeons AND mechanics- capitalize on whatever you are good at.

Third, don’t take it too hard if people pick on you. Some people don’t know how to write an e-mail, and some are just assholes.

Fourth – No poetry.


Even good poets are bad poets.

Fifth - don’t start writing just to drive traffic to your site. If you do, you will fail because you will spend your time trying to figure out what people want instead of writing what you want.

Sixth – don’t act like your advice to aspiring bloggers is important, you blowhard.

I want to once again thank Dusty for taking the time to do this interview with the CDP. If you're a Salami Tsunami fan checking out the CDP for the first time, take a look around and stay awhile. Sound off in the comments section, and enjoy your Monday.

The cat= adorable
Did you let Mr. Pork Tornado know it was up? I'm sure he'd want to see the interview in action.
In my last e-mail, I told him that it would go up on Monday. I'll send him another.
Love it. As you know, I'm a huge Dusty Scott fan, he's the biggest reason I started writing Spork Nation.

That being said, I was truly hoping for some full-frontal nudity, or at least a violent car chase.
True, it's a pretty straight-ahead interview, but we had planned for something a bit more unorthodox. Unfortunately, because of schedule conflicts, we weren't able to go forward with out original plan.

We were going to start this back-and-forth 'feud' between the CDP and Pork Tornado with me and Dusty hurling insults and whatnot. Didn't pan out, but we're still left with a pretty badass interview.
He looks like he could mess you up.
Every now and again, he shaves his head because he likes to look like the dude from The Shield.
He will be linking to me later on this week, FYI.
Holy hell. You're getting a link from Dusty. That's got to be right up there with being named as the new Pope, or winning the lottery.

Congrats, man.
Yup, there's nothing like a little free publicity on a page that gets a million hits a month. For the record, however, that's not why I did the interview. In fact, I plan on doing this again with quite a few other Bloggers in the future. I think it's interesting, and I like asking questions to people I actually want to hear answers from.
No, I fully understand that's not the reason you did it. That's why it's so awesome. You did something you wanted to do, and got something awesome out of it.

The American Dream, just like Dusty Rhodes.
But without the fruity lisp.
Yeth thir, I have twooly wined and dined wiff kinths and queenths.
Damn, even more things to read.
Damn you written word!!! Damn you to hell.
Stupid CDP is at home and I'm at stupid work. Stupid.
The content never stops on the CDP. know.....when it does.

Tuesdays and Thursdays....and during the weekends, usually.

And sometimes when I forget to update.

It's a tight ship.
You update plenty often. I have a funny update on my Religion is Funny blog...well, funny by my standards anyway.
Look what you did to this poor fool, CDP. He BELIEVED you when you said that Oscar the Clown ran the escort service:

Posted: Fri Jan 05, 2007 11:47 am Post subject: Can't say that I do.


On the other hand, it sounds like this guy goes way, way back.

The only local TV guy that really sticks with me is Ned the Dead, who has a pretty amazing (and extensive!) history:

(Scroll to the bottom of the page.)

I also remember Oscar the clown, but I couldn't find that much information on him online. However, I did find this:

And if it's true, wow, my childhood feels a little tainted.
Yeah, I saw that awhile ago. I made a throw-away joke about a local Public-Access clown being the owner of an Escort Service, and at least one person didn't get the joke. I've been ignoring it so I don't get a summons for a defamation of character lawsuit.
I don't think you'd get sued, b/c no one on the board even remembered Oscar the Clown. And are the only info the internet has to offer on the subject.
I concur, you update far more often than most of the blogs I follow, and way more often than me. I really have to follow up on the grand tour of the new house and 8 billion other things I've promised to do.
We don't screw around at CDP World Headquarters; I don't miss deadlines, regardless of if I'm getting paid to write or not.

Those Hugo Cup wangs were two weeks behind the ball on their contest, and they didn't even bother to update the page with any sort of news or announcement. I absolutely cannot stand unprofessionalism, Blog or otherwise, even if it is just poop jokes and YouTube clips. If you say that something's going up on Friday, I expect to see either an essay or an apology come the end of the week.

3 years and 600 posts later, I think I've got the format down that my readers expect and appreciate. I used to do 5 posts a week, and the material got sloppy and I got burned out. Furthermore, readers don't actually want to have to sift through all that stuff. Just be good and consistent.
AGREED! Stupid Hugo Cup wangs...they're the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
Hang on, my damn wiener kids are bothering me.
I can't wait to say that to my kids someday.
I just want to skip over kids and get right to the Grandkids. You can spoil them, make fun of them and give them right back to Mom and weekend-Dad.
Well, we have a nephew so we can do that with him for now. hehe.
Uh oh...another person found you from that Oscar the Clown forum. Another's person's childhood ruined...just like that.
I don't like clowns.

I just can't trust someone in that much make-up (Tammy Faye that goes for you too).

I think they have other reasons for doing what they do. None of them good.
That's funny, true and scary. They're hiding from something, and you know it's gross.
See John Wayne Gacy for further information.
I love Dusty. He's a brilliant man. And just a tad insane.
Hi, I'm a friend of a friend of Dusty's. Would you be willing to interview me about my website: Spend Your Husbands Money?
What happened to Salami Tsumami?! It's been gone for a while now, and I found myself here, looking for answers. Maybe you know?!

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