Thursday, May 24

CDP Wayback Machine - Sunburn Edition.

Give Me Some Skin.
'Give Me Some Skin.' - Originally Published June 27, 2006.

To me, the start of Summer only means one thing: 90 straight days of mind-blowing sunburns.

As an embarrassingly pale man, getting a sunburn is about as easy as beating Peter Doherty in a 'don't smoke crack' contest. I needn't be outside for more than a picosecond to instantly transform my baby-smooth exterior into a mass of pink, stingy nerve endings. From June 3 right up until September 10, I'm rendered freakish and unpleasant in the eyes of friends and neighbors. Invitations to parties cease and desist. Nobody wants to see Ole' Creepy McBurnyface singing karaoke; it tends to bring down a room.

The term 'tan' is not in my vocabulary. This term means nothing to me; sort of like 'zork' and 'restraining order.' Unless I liberally lubricate my pores with SPF-Nuclear Holocaust lotion, I'm going to be screwed in the second-worst way possible.

A few years ago, me and the Missus went to an outdoor concert. I asked her to put lotion on my face, making sure she knew just how susceptible I was to UV rays. She did not heed this warning seriously, and carelessly streaked a few drops of Coppertone across my melon. When the show was over, it looked as if I was attempting to highlight certain parts of my forehead that were more important than the others. There were blisters, scars and shame for the next 3 weeks.

And now, an awful story from my childhood.

In the late 80's to early 90's, I helped out on my family's dairy farm during the summer. One weekend in particular left me with the Queen Mother of all sunburns on my legs. I had been wearing shorts, and the result left me looking like I was wearing a permanent pair of red socks. From the knees to the ankles, I was charred beyond recognition.

I took care of my crimson legs for days on end, gently soaking and aloe-izing them before I went to bed each night. Even at such a young age, I was an expert at the art of third-degree burn treatment. I had experienced many a sunburn by that point in my life, but I knew that this one was different- even special, somehow. I didn't realize why I felt that way until the big day finally came.

I woke up on a humid Sunday morning and swung my wok-fried stumps over the edge of the bed. That's when I noticed the beginnings of a peel on each of my calves. Wide-eyed, with a skilled and steady hand, I proceeded to peel off my skin like an honest-to-goodness sock, producing two snake-like sheddings, each about a foot long. It took me about a half-hour to expertly navigate, and they were absolutely beautiful. I held these giant hunks of flesh up for inspection, and everything suddenly became well worth the wait.

I couldn't let these go to waste. I had to do something with them. But what?

My attention focused to the small, black-and-white television I had in my room. The reception from this TV was horrible, and no matter which way I manipulated the rabbit ears, I got nothing but static and white noise. However, I did notice that the picture came in much better as long as I kept my hands on the antennas.

Scientifically speaking, I now know that the reason for this is because we humans give off a certain amount of electricity, which acts as kind of a booster for the TV antenna. As a child, all I knew was that I couldn't hold onto the antenna and watch the tube at the same time. Perhaps I could fake the TV out somehow, by making it think I was still holding onto the rabbit ears.

I think you know where I'm going with this.

Imagine the look on my Mom's face when she walked into my room, only to see me watching a television with two giant balls of human skin affixed to the antennas.


This makes me think of you...

Mr. 80 SPF Sunblock Wearer

The Budlight "Real Men of Genius" commercials are the best marketing campaign ever.

So, the Lost finale, eh? I liked it until the very end.
That is the grossest story ever...seriously.
Funny stuff, Godot.

You know, my wife seemed to have mixed feelings about the Finale reveal as well. But as it goes, I think everyone gets nervous when the Lost guys change the game at the end of every season, because the fans have just gotten used to watching the show in a certain way. We should all know by now that each season is going to be a lot different than the one before it.

Honestly; I absolutely loved it. This show won't end with all of the castaways getting rescued; it'll continue on afterwards. Now that we're at the halfway point of the series, it seems like we'll be getting flash-forwards from here on out, and flash back to the island to see how they got to that point. It's radical, and it will work after awhile.

I think some people thought that the show was ruined by showing that Jack and Kate got off the island, but clearly there are still things on the show that need to be worked out. It throws in a whole new storytelling dynamic, and it just makes you want to see Season 4 all that much more.

Jack had his best 'flash' episode probably ever, the Reveal was absolutely stunning (even though I knew it was coming), and we all know that Naomi's boat is teaming with more bad guys.

Rawk. Now I just have to start writing about it.
Poor homeless-looking Jack.

The CDP= James Lipton
I haven't decided how I feel about the far, I don't think I really like it but I'll have to wait and see how it works next season before I decide. I can see how it will give more depth to the show, but I can also see how it might potentially ruin a good thing.
I think it adds even more depth and mystery to the show. How did Jack and Kate get off the island? What happened that caused Jack to end up so messed up? What did he do to escape? What's going to happen to everyone once (if) they make it home? Just another huge batch of questions now that this show has entered yet another dimension.

If they kept screwing up the escape plans year after year, it would rightfully deserve those "Gilligan's Island" comparisons. In this regard, we realize that this show is all about the characters, regardless of where they end up.

I want everyone to watch that finale again, this time knowing what you know now. You'll like it more, I bet.
I wouldn't mind watching it again. I think you might be right about liking it more the second go-round.
Someone at work asked me today how Jack and Kate knew each other before the crash in the 'flashbacks.'

I almost lost my trademark cool.
You? Lose your cool? Never.

The "big reveal" certainly must not have been as shocking for that person.
Right. I guess some people didn't get it. I can't see why, but whatever.

My temper control is top-notch. Now DIE ALREADY!
I think a LOT of people didn't get it. I can see's just such a chance of pace that it may take a bit to sink in
So I was thinking…the CDP and I have a very substantial student loan we have to pay off. We want to buy a house, but more or less cannot because of the sizeable nature of this loan. In a futile attempt to pay this off faster, we’re members of Upromise, which is a program where you register your grocery coupon cards (if you have them) and get money back on certain products you buy or you can register your credit/debit cards too and get money back at certain restaurants and stores. We’ve put about $50 towards our student loan this way. Sounds nice, but in reality it’s pocket change (hint: that amount is about .1% of what we owe…literally)

Why am I saying this? Because I’m pleading with you to join Upromise and donate any earnings to the CDP’s student loan. You can do that by going to this website and signing up. I guarantee there is no funny business about it, and you don’t have to buy anything from them or anything like that. It’s literally just a deal where certain retailers are giving money back to consumers for product loyalty. You don’t have to pay attention to it ever again after you allocate 100% or any percent to the CDP.

If any of you were to do this, it would be so ridiculously awesome. It would help us on the road to quitting our jobs faster than ever. If you need help signing up or want to yell at me for being so brazen as to ask for your generosity, please email me to do so.

The CDP is likely going to kill me for doing this. Please do not think he had anything to do with this, because he did not. Even if you don’t want to contribute to OUR problem, you can contribute to your own problem or your kids’ futures by signing for Upromise for yourselves. Thanks in advance for even considering this incredibly bold and tacky request.
Seriously...the CDP is going to kill me for being such a tacky beggar.

Listen, buying CDP merch and making PayPal donations are still the best way to support the CDP financially, should you choose. You always get something in return (whether it be in the form of merch or just free stuff from yours truly), and the bulk of the cash goes right back into making the CDP awesome for all of the readers (domain costs, etc).

The amount of money that I spend at Best Buy and donate to charity every year totals in the several-thousand-dollar range, so no, I don't want anyone thinking they need to help me pay off my loans before I starve to death; It just ain't happening. And while the Missus is right about Upromise being a cool way to get a few cents back on every purchase for absolutely no reason but to help pay for college, that's not your responsibility as CDP readers.

If you think I have entertained you to the point where you want to throw cash at me, do so in the form of a PayPal donation or by purchasing some CDP merch. Furthermore, when CDP books are finally published and available, buy as many of those damn things as you can get your hands on. Seriously. That says to me that you like the page and are willing to support something that you enjoy and feel a part of.

Don't, however, show your support to the CDP by asking to pay my cable bill or paint my car, because one has nothing to do with the other and it's just not necessary.

Look, I'm certainly not going to stop you from signing up (and thanks in advance), I just needed to clearly explain my position. I've spent 3 years keeping banner ads and advertisers off of the CDP because I thought it detracted from what I was trying to do. Believe me, these ads would have resulted in a decent payday for myself, but I hate Bloggers that pander for cash, as they simply Blog to make whatever money they can scrape from idiots. Not this guy.

So, yeah. Sorry about that.
I know. I just thought it was a cool idea because by signing up for Upromise they don't even GIVE you any just comes from products people already buy. It's like giving the CDP a gift by not doing anything at all.

but I understand the position, and knew you would not be happy with my posting that.

In conclusion, please sign up for Upromise :) If not for us, then to save for yourselves.
Tonight seems depressingly lonely with no new Jim Halpert to keep me company.
CDP, I would like to offer to paint your car.

That being said, you probably don't want me to paint your car. I would make a mural of some sort, including PBR, my hatred of the metric system, and Steven Segal.
Damn dude, please paint my car. Replace Segal with Tony Little, and we'll work out some sort of pricing arrangement.
Honestly, just cover my travel, materials, and have some PBR handy and we have a deal.

Be prepared to own a car that looks like a drunken 4 year old painted it, however.
Good, I wanted a "Wiggles" theme with my Ford Escort, anyways.
Funny story...I went to high school with the girl who is Dorothy the Dinosaur, and she is now married to Sam, the Yellow Wiggle.
Wow, that dude is seriously a billionaire.
That's awesome! I don't know anyone who's done anything of interest from our school.
I write stuff on the Internet...that's pretty original.
Yeah, it rules really.

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