Monday, May 28

Don't Cry For Me, I'm Already Dead.

I'm off writing my first book. Try to cope without me.

You'll be happy to know that I'm currently in pre-production of the very first CDP book.

I'll be working on it until further notice. There are almost 600 posts in the archives to tide you over in the meantime. I'll try to keep you updated as much as possible, however.

Sound off in the comments section or send e-mails to

Thank you so much for your support. This has been many years in the making.


(EDIT 05/29 - Here's a link to the Top 30 CDP Posts Of All Time, to whet your appetite while I'm incommunicado. The countdown starts after the Lost Season 3 Preview.)

(EDIT 05/29 - My Mom canceled BBQ plans and Chuck Lidell got knocked out at UFC 71, so I spent the rest of Memorial Day weekend drinking heavily and spending hundreds of dollars on clothes and entertainment. It did the trick. Pre-production on the book is coming along nicely.)

(EDIT 05/30 - I'll be in the Live Video Chat room at 9pm Central time (10 Eastern) to talk about the book, along with anything else that's on my mind. Please stop in and say hello by clicking on the Live Video Chat link on the right.)

(EDIT 05/30 - Thanks to the handful of folks that came out for the Live Video Chat; I always appreciate getting to talk with you. As this whole book thing goes further, I want to maybe get together like that once every week or so. JT? Kenny? I'm wagging my finger, yo!)

(EDIT 05/31 - Pre-production continues. I've managed to take over 1600 pages(!) of CDP material and sift it down to about 500 over the course of this week. I also want to mention that prior CDP essays will probably account for no more than 50-60% of the finished book. I'm in the process of writing about a dozen book-only essays to grace the pages; essays that I've been kicking around and saving for years and consider to be my best work. I'm hoping that by the end of next week, I'll cut those 500 pages in half again and really get down to fine tuning. It's been productive; I'm taking the weekend off.)

(EDIT 06/01 - Thanks to over-consumption of Wii Sports, Mario Party 8 and WarioWare, my left rotator cuff is pretty jacked up today. I'm not used to playing a video game that I need to stretch out for in advance, so there's a good chance I'll be reeking of Icy Hot all weekend. If anyone asks, I'll tell them that I hurt myself punching out Trick Daddy at a nightclub.)

(EDIT 06/04 - I'm getting a lot of work done.)

(EDIT 06/04 - Over the course of 3 revisions, I've gone from 1580 pages of material, to 416 pages, to 343 pages. One more good revision and I'll begin the meat of the production process; editing, polishing, re-writing and formatting all of the best 'classic' CDP material. Depending on how vast the final revisions become, I'll see how many 'new' essays I plan on putting into this first book. I want this to be a really good 300 pages of material, so it's becoming apparent that I won't have much room for new stuff this time around; I'll save that for Book #2. The goal is to create a book of CDP essays that stands completely alone from the site itself. The day-to-day quoting, in-jokes and hundreds of throwaway posts are being mercilessly scrapped in favor of the sprawling and timeless essays that tend to pop up every month or so. I need to make this book enjoyable for the 5,999,999,800 people on the planet that are unaware that I even keep a blog. The edits continue. Dream about me, won't you?)

The New Joker.

(EDIT 06/05 - Heath Ledger is the new Joker in the next Batman movie, and boy does he look terrifying. Seriously, if you still don't recognize Christopher Nolan as one of the best filmmakers in the world by now, you've got to do something about that. With films like Following, Memento, Insomnia, Batman Begins and an upcoming film re-make of The Freaking Prisoner, man... I just don't know why other directors bother to exist. I'm re-watching Batman Begins this week, and you might want to do the same. Edits rage on, hearts continue to be broken.)

(EDIT 06/06 - Enjoy one of the funniest prank calls ever. I am in my final stage of pre-production, which only means more headaches and revisions heading into the next phase. Things are going quicker now, so it can't be all bad. I haven't worked out in weeks, and I ate at Burger King last night. What will be left of me when this is all over?)

(EDIT 06/06 - Here are my 20 favorite TV shows for the 06-07 Season:)

20. Cops (FOX) - I have a thing for shirtless people.
19. Friday Night Smackdown! (WB) - I have a thing for shirtless people.
18. King Of The Hill (FOX) - Still funny after 12 years. Kind of.
17. Heroes (NBC) - Like Lost, only for dumb people.
16. Rob & Big (MTV) - The only reason to ever watch MTV.

15. The Ultimate Fighter (SPIKE) - I have a thing for shirtless people.
14. Dirty Jobs (DISC) - Watch and appreciate your job a little more.
13. Mythbusters (DISC) - Watch and appreciate your job a little less.
12. Ghost Hunters (SCI) - Watch and appreciate pooping your pants.
11. Saturday Night Live (NBC) - Always the best thing on at midnight.

10. House M.D. (FOX) - Hugh Laurie pwnz all you n00bz.
9. American Idol (FOX) - Melinda Doolittle pwnz me.
8. Monday Night Raw! (USA) - I have a thing for shirtless people.
7. My Name Is Earl (NBC) - It gets darker and dirtier each week.
6. The Simpsons (FOX) - Season 19? Respek, y'all!

5. 30 Rock (NBC) - Tina Fey is my secret Girlfriend Wife.
4. Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip (NBC) - RIP, overwritten dramedy.
3. The Office (NBC) - The funniest show on television. Ever.

2. Friday Night Lights (NBC) - Without question, this is the best TV drama I've seen since the premiere of Lost. The acting, production, storylines and mood are second-to-none and really need to be seen to be believed. Regardless of how you feel about the feature film or football in general, the characters, believability and human emotion on this show is seriously incredible. Already heavily nominated and universally adored by critics, the first season of Friday Night Lights is an absolute gift from the TV Gods. Even the Missus loves it!

1. Lost (ABC) - I've heard good things. I'll check it out at some point.

(EDIT 06/07 - The trailer for Sicko.)

Rough Draft #1.
(EDIT 06/08 - This is Rough Draft #1. A lean 260 pages of CDP goodness. I took today off, and I'll start digging into it come Monday. Don't forget to watch Brian Regan's new Comedy Central special tonight, yo.)

Wow...big plans, congrats.

Unfortunately, I read through all of the archives about a month ago when I was between jobs, so I'll have to content myself with the humor over at Fox News in the meantime...
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Yeah, I've got nothing on Fox News. Hannity alone is funnier than their entire Sunday night lineup.

I've gone through the archive as part of pre-production, and was amazed to see that I've written over 1500 pages of material for the CDP since February of 2004. That's not including pictures, in a 12-point font in Word.

It's going to be a long summer.
Yikes. Maybe to keep peeps combing the archives, you should have them suggest posts that they would DEFINITELY want to see in the book :)
I put the link up to the CDP Top 30.
I wanna see the prom story in the book. You should also leave a few blank pages at the end of the book so people can write in their own comments.

I actually made a post on my blog today.
Thanks for the request, Paste; the 'Homecoming Quadrilogy' will definately be included in the book.

I'm off to your page right this second, and I suggest that everyone reading this should do the same.
FYI, your "top 30" link doesn't lead to that post specifically but rather to the archive of Sept 06. There is an old Lost post at the top of the page...might want to make the link go right to the post itself.
I can only link to entire archives, so people will just have to know that the Season 3 Preview is prior to the Top 30.
Why can you only link to entire archives? Oh, I see...because it was multiple posts, not one post. Got it. Got it.
Yup, it's a lot easier than 30 separate link-a-doos.
I'll try to make the chat tonight, no promises on audio or sobriety.
The CDP never makes those promises either, so it's all good. Haha.
Sounds great, JT. I figured with my lack of posting and whatnot, I still wanted a chance to interact with everyone. It'll be an intimate affair, so wear something silky.

Same goes for everyone else. IF YOU CAN MAKE IT, MAKE IT!
Is it going to be a festive affair, or more of a "watch the cdp edit his book" type of affair?
See you there, Kenny!

It'll be festive enough; chit-chat and whatnot.

I'll keep the music to an absolute minimum, because apparently people want to hear me talk for some reason. I think it has something to do with my leathery-smooth voice.
I personally have heard that people want more male nudity in the chatroom.
After the first chat, I was able to learn from the experience and establish some ground rules:

1. No more drinking on camera. It establishes you in a negative light, and millions of teenagers look up to you. Counterproductive to image.

2. People don't visit the CDP to listen to music, therefore you must acknowledge and interact with the public through audio and video means. Hence 'Live Video Chat.'

3. Slightly more nudity.

Tonight, I shall achieve the trifecta.
Music is good if you talk over was the just sitting and watching you type that wasn't exciting.
I'll take that into consideration, audio issues notwithstanding.
Ooh, hey, there's a decent chance I can make this chat!

By the way, good on ya for really buckling down to complete this book. I can't even seem to buckle down and get all my laundry done at the moment.

I'm going to see about setting the thing up, so when I get in tonight, I can simply pop into the chat.
Awesome, Godot!

All you have to do is click on my video chat icon, and then click on my video feed to enter (once I'm live around 9pm central). I didn't promote it, so it should be a small affair; no more than a handful of people (I think).

Yup, I really want to finally get this book finished. Pre-production is rolling along nicely; I should be in the editing stage sometime in the next week or so.
That video chat was funny. That video chat was whack. That video chat was funny and whack.
Yeah, I'm still not fully used to talking on camera. You'd think I'd be okay with it by now, but I'm still very nervous when it comes to addressing folks via cam.

This is why I write, and I speak in public less and less.
I was going to show up. I wanted to be there. I should have just stayed home and done it. Instead, I went to my show at the Klinic and was pulled over by the cops on my way home after I had parked my car in front of my house.

$186 dollars later, I should have known that CDP Live Chat is always the ultimate choice.
I wound up going to a baseball game and getting violently ill off of the hot dog I ate there. Trust me, you did not want audio.
Damn. Sorry about that.

Sounds like karma already did a number on you both. Let this be a reminder. Now that I'm a Reverend, I'm pretty tight with God. I can have lightning bolts flying around like that!

Seriously though, sorry.
No worries. I think the Pepsi also played a factor. I almost never drink anything other than water, coffee, beer, and the occasional juice for good measure, so all of that syrupy sweetnes could have set me off.
I hear you. On Tuesday, I ate a fried egg panini with warm potato salad and pomegranate juice.

I now know that's more commonly called an 'enema.'
DAMN! I missed a webcast! Sorry 'bout that. I'm doing an ADT for the Navy and haven't checked in for awhile. It won't happen again. promise.
No problem, Blustacon. I didn't promote this one, so there were only a couple people in there. Next time, I'll go all out and stuff.
It was an incredibly intimate affair, with much discussion of brats and birds.
Yeah, geez. I probably came off like an insanely boring person.
Nah, it was funny. :)
Hate I missed it. Perhaps next time (or the next, or the next.)
The next 'official' Live Chat will be heavily promoted. I'll make another banner or something.

T.G.I.F., 'eh?
The CDP insists upon itself.
Some are born to CDP.
Others have CDP thrust upon them.

I feel bad for those people. I personally wouldn't care to have anyone thrusting on me
That's a good point, Blustacon.

After writing on the CDP every day for over 3 years, it feels really weird to work on anything other than more CDP stuff. I always have this lingering feeling that I'm forgetting to do something.

Any suggestions (besides the Video Chats) as to what we can do on here in the meantime to keep things fresh? I'm going to continue to update this main page like I have been, but what else?
No matter what you throw up on the site, it'll still be CDP. Don't worry about essays and simply write what's on your mind. Possibly open the page up to a giant Comment board. What do I know? Only the CDP knows what'll make the CDP happy.

And possibly Hathery...
Moe, I was thinking about just letting the commenting run rampant, which is pretty much what we're doing right here. I fully expect this thread to reach a brazillion comments by the time I'm ready to fully get back to business.

This also might be a good time for me to get into podcasting. Maybe put up a 5-10 minute clip every few days? I'll look into it.
Only the CDP knows what'll make the CDP happy.

And possibly Hathery...

Cookies...lots of cookies. And ice cream. This is what keeps the CDP going.
I really like cheese spread, too.
If cookies and ice cream are his thing, then I'd be safe to assume that Cookies-N-Cream Dibs give him a boner?
It's the Mint & Cookie Malted Milk Balls from Harry & David that currently have me reeling. They contain everything I've ever wanted in a candy.

And let's not even get into Truffles.
It's the Mint-Oreo ice cream that sends him into a tizzy..
I honestly think you can find God at the bottom of a Mint Oreo Blizzard.

Large size only.
Of course large size only. There's no way the Father of All Creation is going to fit in a medium.

Exactly. He also prefers that you use a metal spoon if at all possible.
I'll probably use a spork...
Just browsing the internet, interesting website.
That grill is tight, yo.

(or whatever the kids say these days)
Yep, I'm not just using this time off to do nothing; I'm working like a madman over here!

I wish I hadn't gotten this grill permanently installed, though.
I honestly think you can find God at the bottom of a Mint Oreo Blizzard

Holy crap you're right! I love those things!
Ben and Jerry's made the best Mint Oreo Cookie ice cream on the planet but, i haven't seen it in years. If I ever came across it again the next day's headline may read something like this:

First known case of BRAIN FREEZE death found in NE

or at Fark:

Idiot takes takes death by chocolate seriously! (with a hint of mint)
Blustacon: The grocery store up the street from my house is always stocked with B&J Mint Cookie Ice Cream. I go through at least a pint a week. Their Chocolate Brownie isn't without its charm, however.

But nothing beats a Blizzard.
I KNOW! The nearest DQ is about 25 miles away. I don't know what it is with people around here and their total lack of respect for mint and chocolate. I did have a mint chocolate Klondike bar the other day that seemed to tickle the right taste buds.
On a random note, I was checking my junk email address (I keep 2, one for real email, one for pesky websites you have to register for) and it turns out I'm nominated for Who's Who in Madison.

Take that, CDP! I don't even live in WI, but apparently I'm a pretty heavy hitter up there regardless.
Oh Yeah!! I'm on a Federal watchlist as a "Person of interest"!!

Top that Sucka
JT- you're the Whoiest Who in Madison. You just don't know it because you're not here. It's like stains you thought you'd removed under blacklight, and Madison's the blacklight. My metaphoring is subpar.

BluStaCon- why you hide your blog from Kenny?

CDP and Hathery- Two words, two fragmented sentences. Pool. Barn. Oh, and go get a Cap Times this afternoon.

Anyone else- In the mood to cyber? Email me.
BLUSTACON: If I ever visit you in New England, I'll know just where to take you for dessert.

I've never written that sentence before. It sounds pretty funny. Good luck with Homeland Security, by the way.

JT: That Kenny is everywhere and everything. I can't pick up an alternative publication in Madison without seeing her in some pretty dress. Us midwestern folk have voted for you because we like your drawl.

KENNY: I'll talk to the Missus about an upcoming Pool Barn venture. I was almost thinking that after our most recent encounter, you realized that you didn't want to hang out with me anymore.

I'm still fun; really I am!

Get a webcam, and we can cyber on my Stickam page.
I got nominated for the Who's Who in Madison too...and the email was addressed to someone named Jenny. I find the whole thing baffling.
CDP- Yeah that sounded about as straight as Ryan Seacrest and Justin Timberlake bumping into each other at the spa.

KENNY- I hide it from all. Don't go thinking you're special!
If I received anything about a Who's Who in Madison, I must have delorted it or something. This city hates me for not participating in their many wonderful outdoor activities.

If you'll excuse us, me and Blustacon need to go and talk baseball for an hour to shake off the lingering gayness.
Mike Lowell will replace Marquise Hill as Defensive End for the Patriots this season.
Kenny - If I have to be stained by someplace, I'm glad it's a city with citizens as illustrious as you and the CDP.

CDP - I'll have to make another stunt video for Spork Nation when I've been drinking heavily. My drawl will be so thick you will be able to actually taste it.
BLUSTACON - See? We're manly!

JT - That made me laugh a lot more than it should have.
I dreamt! Also, you guys rule. I think JT should drink actual whiskey or kentucky straight bourbon or one bourbon, one scotch, and one beer instead of this all-beer crap. I hear it makes your drawl even drawlier.

Hathery, CDP, and myself will also be producing a stunt video to end all stunt videos.
KENNY- I need details on this dream. Hell, we all do.

I'm hoping that I'll be able to shoot a little film this weekend with Mr. Sandbox Films himself, Benjamin. For now, however, that's going to be hush-hush business.

I want a drawl. I just talk like a stupid anchorman.
You get points for referencing Following. I was lucky enough to see that film theatrically back when I was still in college. Such a great, little movie that nobody knows about. Definitely agree that Nolan's one of the big dog directors out there. If he's attached, I know going in that there's as good chance I'll dig what I'm about to see.
Agreed, and Nolan's such a neat guy, too. Watching the Following commentary track should be required viewing for all aspiring filmmakers. He wrote, directed and shot that movie 100% by himself at a budget of damn near zero*. Insane.

*When I say 'zero budget,' I mean around $6,000. Not like other 'zero budget' films like Pi that actually cost over $60,000.
JT, where in the hell is our moonshine???
Funny, just last night we watched Batman Begins on HD at our housesitting gig with the HDTV projector and 75" screen... Very good. I can't really tell much of a difference with HD-DVD over regular. Regular DVD's look crazy good on HD. In summary, HDTVs are wicked awesome.
I can't believe Pi cost $60k. I hate that movie so much.
I bet you don't hate it more than I do :)
I've seen Pi 10 times, and my best guess is that $55,000 went into catering.

HD Projectors? 75" screens? I don't know who this friend of yours is, Paste, but I suggest you hang onto him at least until Lost ends in 2010. Rad; we need photos.

I was never a fan of the Batman franchise (minus the first one) until Begins came out. Nolan took comic book characters and made them real people, and went super-dark in the process. Without question, it was my favorite movie of whenever year it was when it came out.
and that scarecrow dude is smokin' hot. That helps alot.
Um, have you guys czeched out the IMDB page for The Dark Knight or whatever?


(New phrase copyrighted RIGHT EFFING NOW, 2007 by Kenny--may be internet-spoken as SES)
It's a conundrum... The projector and screen with the rad sound is downstairs, but you can't get the HD channels there and the couches are uncomfortable. Upstairs is a 42" HD, with comfy couches, HD cable, but only stereo sound. Either of them beats my TV at home. And my TV at home is better than the outdoors on a breezy summer day.
Hathery - Unfortunately, your moonshine is with my moonshine, which has not been delivered, although it has been promised to me multiple times. I'm just glad I didn't pay up front.

Kenny - I do, on occasion, drink liquor, and when I do it's bourbon or scotch. However, those nights never end well, so I keep it to a minimum.
You can't throw Anthony Michael Hall out there without mentioning Eric Roberts is involved, too.
KENNY/MOE- This movie is going to be off the chain. I wonder if Anthony Michael Hall has people telling him every day that he looks like me, because that's what I've heard every day since The Breakfast Club came out.

JT- While I'm waiting for the moonshine, do you have any Absinthe you care to ship to Madison?

PASTE- What does your friend do for a living? Does it have anything to do with crack?
He's my wife's boss, runs the International Dept at the university. He's not crazy rich or crazy in debt, and doesn't otherwise live an extravagant lifestyle. They enjoy movies and entertain students a lot. Also he's a crack dealer.

I can't wait till this gets to the 100th post, which I would vote to be posted by Hathery, expressing her opinion of the band The Arcade Fire.
afternoon CDP. just thought i'd leave you a note, as promised. i was just lamenting the lack of a new 'lost friday' for the second week running and wondering how i would get through the next 36[ish] weeks...

i originally backed the stupid 8 month lost hiatus, but 2 weeks in and i'm wondering if it was really such an enlightened idea...

anyway, my boss is looking at me oddly and i really should pretend to do some more work. keep hammering away at that book. i'll be ordering one when you're done. maybe i'll be the first in the UK?

peace out
Forgot to say, thanks for the joker pic. i was entirely unaware of this until i saw it here first...
I was thinking that was Wiggly from SWF and I was really confused. I see now that this is a different Wiggly! Hello Wiggly!

I will be glad to post the 100th comment, but only if I get to express my opinion on the movie PI in addition to my opinion of the Arcade Fire. And maybe my opinion of Lesley Nielson (sp?) movies, too.
PASTE- I gotcha. I suppose that if people just looked at the gadgets I bought, they would assume that I have a lot more money than I actually do, as well. Still though, those University dudes are living well enough.

WIGS- Hey, thanks for stopping by! That Joker pic is just what I needed to whet my appetite for the next Batman film. Also, the fact that Katie Holmes will not be starring in it.

HATHERY- Keep an eye out for Comment #100; it can be yours.
hmm, i quite fancy that 100th comment...
It's always a tussle. May the best Commenter win.

Hmmm.....perhaps I'll get it.
No absinthe, no moonshine, only PBR.
Leslie Nielson did not go to Duke.

Pi was filmed at Duke University.
Too bad I'm at work and can't watch the prank phone call clip.

Even though I can't see it, I still hold "Just Farr A Laff: The Greatest Prank Phone Call CD Ever" as the greatest prank phone call collection, and not just because the title told me to.

I will send anyone a burned copy of said CD upon request. Email me, and then visit the creator's blog at He's cool if you're into music, too.
JT- What do you get when you mix Moonshine & Absinthe with PBR?

Yer' stomach pumped! HAW-HAW!

MOE- I almost forgot about that ".....went to Duke" joke. I need to start working it back into my daily conversations.

KENNY- The prank call itself it actually quite harmless, but the pranker in question never breaks or stammers; it's very well done. Also, no need to feel bad for the guy running the show; I found out that he's a real jerk.
What are we at now? #94?
CDP - I'll take your word for it, but I'm 99.98% sure you are correct, sir.
I'm not allowed to go on the internets at work anymore except for on lunch (aka NOW) so there is very little chance I will get to make the 100th comment. The dream is over, boys.
This is a black day for baseball.
Does anyone use Gmail? If so, can you change a setting so that it acts like regular email. I truly do not like this whole business with things being saved as conversations. I can't find things in my sucks. Is this just how Gmail is???
Why do you have a GMail account?

Comment, please comment!
For the reason you forgot to ask me about last night.

Arcade Fire sucks.

Pi is lame.
I use gmail, and I don't know of any settings you can change to make it operate as a "normal" inbox.

I like it, but that's just me.

Congrats on the 100th post.
Our previous Comment record was somewhere in the neighborhood of 110, so we're going to absolutely crush it. Thanks, everyone!
Maybe I will learn to like this gmail business. Just have to get used to it I guess!
It took me a while as well.
Crush it, I say!
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Gmail is truly awesome. It was different to get used to at first, but now I've had it for over two years, and I can't live without it. Here's why:

-It is my preferred way to chat (I can even do it at work! All other chat programs are blocked here.)because it saves everything, and it is also discreet. Plus their emoticons have found a secret, cozy place in my heart. They aren't totally gay like all the other emoticons out there.

-I use my Gmail as a freaking hard drive. I'm an internet vagabond, transient, and I have no real home when it comes to a computer. This way, I don't need a jump drive to have access to all my stuff, just an internet connection. Gmail keeps all of my documents, pictures, calendar events, nice and safe all in their own little assigned compartment.

-It makes me organized! Other people organize with it. I don't know what I'd do without it.

There are some bugs with Gmail, which you can read about on the wiki page for it, but I've acclimated to them. They just aren't a big deal. Yahoo!, hotmail, any of the standard email just seem so hulking and dinosauresque in comparison.
I do think it's cool that Gmail gives you so much space in the mailbox. I have about 70 trash accounts for that purpose alone; that's like, 160GB of space!

"Do you have any idea how much furniture I can rent with those gigs?"

Yahoo is still my go-to, but Gmail certainly has its perks.
Ha ha! CDP doesn't have a Gmail account!
Two reasons for "Why I'm Hot" - the cool club is still saying that, right?

1. I just signed up for a gmail account.

2. I just tied the CDP comment record.
But...but...I have 70 Gmail accounts. Doesn't that make me Uber-Awesome?

I have a feeling we'll reach 200 comments before I post again. It's been a big day for all of us.

...I think I have something in my eye...
Speaking of "Why I'm Hot," I was analyzing the words to This is Why I'm Hot by Unk last night while I was working at the Village Idiot, and he's a lyrical genius.


"This is why, this is why, this is why I'm Hot.
I'm hot 'cause I'm fly.
You ain't 'cause you not.
This is why, this is why, this is why I'm Hot."

Does anyone else smell a Pulitzer?
I smell the collective funk of every vapid jackass that keeps talentless douchebags like Unk pistol-deep in cash and hos.

Why, why, why are people so stupid, JT? Can you answer this for me? Anyone?
Honestly, the moment I heard of his lyrical genius, my first two thoughts were:

a) Shel Silverstein

2) Nobel.Peace.Prize
CDP - I can't answer it, although I suspect it has something to do with the metric system, or the French.

One thing I know for sure: I ain't cause I'm not.

Moe - I don't know if you did it on purpose, but I love the fact that your list has "a" and then "2." That made me laugh my ass off, because that's how I used to make lists just to piss people off.
A, 2 and D. It's always funny.

As a young teenager, I would write rap songs with my cousin and sing them into my tape recorder with an instrumental backup. Even those were better than some of the stuff I see on the Tee-Vees and Radios.

Gangsta' Rap was huge at the time, so we thought it would be funny to satirize it by being two white suburbanites that rapped about how tough it was on our streets.

We were the FVG's, or the Fox Valley Gangsta's. See? It's funny already. Instead of rapping about people getting shot, we'd rap about petty theft and jaywalking. For example:

"At the Kwik-E-Mart the other day
My homie stole some Minute Maid;
He walked out of the store and never paid!"

And so on and so forth.
Shel Silverstein is a pervert.
It has been brought to my attention that This is Why I'm Hot is actually by Mims, not DJ Unk. My deepest apologies.
See, this is why you not.
The "A2D" has always been a personal favorite of mine. Thanks for noticing, JT. I THINK I saw it in Back to the Future, but what do I know?

Hathery - That's quite the bomb'shel'. Did I miss something from my elementary years?

Actually, maybe I don't want to know. Why don't you make like a tree...and get out of here.
See, this is why you not.


Hathery - I'm also curious about Shel.
Here are a couple of clips; mainly for Moe, but funny for everyone.

This Is Why You Suck.

There's a couple of F-bombs at the beginning, but this is the funniest 'Duke Sucks' video on the web. Watch and love.

Biff Sings.

Biff from Back To The Future fame sings a song about the questions people still ask him about the movie. It's pretty hilarious.
My claims are more or less unsubstantiated. I can't really remember what my reasoning behind it is. It's been a running joke between the CDP and I for a few years now. It has something to do w/ Shel Silverstein publishing his art in Playboy or something to that effect. I just like to say it because it really ticks off the 'ole CDP.
Silverstein started out writing things directed at a more mature audience. To quote Wikipedia:

"For adults he wrote Uncle Shelby's ABZ Book, a satirical mock children's book, and created Different Dances, a coffee table book of wordless, adult-themed cartoons. He continued to write colloquial poetry on occasion throughout his life, including a rap version of Shakespeare's Hamlet that was published (on yellow-beige specialty paper) in Playboy magazine in 1998."

"Silverstein's goal was not to write for children when he first started his career. Silverstein's editor and friend Ursula Nordstrom dragged him 'kicking and screaming' before he began to write children's poetry. But after having used his clever, silly ideas in his first book, Silverstein decided that he enjoyed the product and wanted to do it again."

So there you go. A children's author is allowed to write things for adults every once in awhile, and furthermore, Silverstein's contributions to damn near every facet of the arts world speaks for itself.
It's safe to say that Shel Silverstein didn't attend Duke University.

Johnny Lawrence (Billy Zapka) of Karate Kid did, though.
Alas, Shel Silverstein is indeed a pervert.
Moe, you've gotta watch that clip.
Hathery, I'm officially ignoring you.
I did. I was a little creeped out at first, but it caught on late. The downside is I now have that damn jingle stuck in my head.

The Biff clips are great, too.

In the early 80's, Biff attended Duke. He later transferred to IUPUI after one of his professors was caught undressing him with his eyes.
speaking of that lyrical genius* Mims...

You know you've made it in the hip hop world when you get a spot on Regis and Kelly.

I better get rolling on this book before we hit 300 comments. I think if we make it to 300, you get an Internet cheat code that lets you buy things without paying.
That Duke clip is one of the best things ever.
"Your coach looks like Hitler" gets me every time.

That 1992 Regional Final might have been the greatest college basketball game ever played, but for those of us who are Kentucky fans, it was pretty much remembered as the worst day of my life for the next 10 years.

It hurt me.
Friday Night Lights is an excellent show. I hate football and I still like it. I started watching it because Tivo kept recording it as recommended viewing, and I kept watching it so I finally just got a season pass.
I hate football too, but love that show. The acting is phenomenal.
Awesome, Paste! I knew you'd appreciate the cinematography and writing and stuff. Kyle Chandler is tremendous, and a lot of those kids are terrific actors, especially the dude that plays Matt Sarensen. I plan on getting the DVD just to see how they shot some of the stuff.
Considering how good Freaks and Geeks was, is it wrong that I want to see Knocked Up?
Yeah, the guy that plays Matt Sarensen plays it perfect, nice and understated and a little bit naturally awkward. Tim gets a little broody for my tastes, but his backstory is pretty interesting. Connie Britton's great, too. And I liked how they started developing the character of Sarensen's dorky friend towards the end of the season.

I might have to start a Friday Night Lights Thursday this fall on my blog.

By the way, you need to work out some sort of cross-promotion with TGIF restaurants and Lost Friday.
As time goes on, I'm pretty sure Paul Feig was behind the greatness of Freaks and Geeks, and not Judd Apatow.
CDP - have you read Kenny's latest post? It's beyond awesome.

It's why she's hot, and definitely not from Duke.
JT- I read and lol'd. Thanks for the heads-up, it was brilliant. Kenny is certainly not from Duke; she's a Winneconne Wolf or a Wisconsin Badger or something.

PASTE- NBC has moved Friday Night Lights to Friday nights next season (at 9pm Central), what a novel idea! Could a Friday Night Lights Saturday not be too far behind for you?

I submit that it can.

Buddy rules, just because I honestly know greaseballs like him. He and Connie Britton were both in the feature film, and it shows with the depth they play in the characters. I thought for sure it wouldn't come back for Season 2, but the critics jumped all over it, and NBC amazingly decided to pay attention.
Great article; it's always nice to see WiSuc in the media.

For the record, I like that joke about your dad. I could see the punchline coming from a mile away, but it's so damn solid that I laugh harder every time I hear it. I did notice, however, that you used the term "sleeping with my dad" in the Funniest Comic finals, as opposed to "f***ing my dad." What prompted the change in language?

In recent crude joke news, I was talking to a friend about a paralyzed WWE star that had just gotten fired from the business.

I said, "Well, it looks like they gave him his walking papers."

First he laughed, then he sort of shook his head and walked away, which is pretty much the reaction I always get when I tell jokes.
My parents saw "Knocked Up." My mom said they the F-word is used at least 100 times. But my mom said if you can get past the language and some of the crudeness, it has a lot of very funny moments.
Typical R-rated comedy fare for grownups. Nothing wrong with that, I suppose.
Hathery - my mom said EXACTLY the same thing.

I love that my parents have enough of a social life at the moment to go to dinner and see a movie, while I, on the otherhand, stayed home and did research for work. I'm not even sure I've seen a movie yet this year. Ho hum.
I don't feel that comedy has enough cursing in it these days, to be perfectly truthful about it. When I see other comics perform, if they're not swearing, I'm simply not listening. I tune out any word above four letters or two syllables. A little trade secret that was passed down to me and that I pass along to the younger up-and-comers is that the more profanity they can assimilate into their act, the better. And to that, I commend them. They are motherfuckin' right, after all. Fuck fuck cock-sucking (hyphen included, after all--this is ENGLLISH) mother-fucking fuckin' a, man.

Fucking A. Can I get an amen, here?
Fuckin A, man. Fuckin' A.
I am not a fan of that word
I do not care for it thank you
well, I'm off to my tea party

Wicked Late Post Entry

CDP was kind enough to put together a list for the final Lost of the year. Since there won't be another episode until next year I decided to regurgitate his list (nice visual huh) and pay homage to that wonderful weekly hour of entertainment.

If Walt shows up...TAKE A DRINK!
Drink Bitch!
If Michael shows up...TAKE A DRINK!

If Arzt shows up...CHUG!

Every time Desmond says 'brother'...TAKE A DRINK!

Every time Desmond's beard says 'brother'...CHUG!

Every time Jack looks discouraged and smarky...TAKE A DRINK!
Drink Bitch!
Every time Kate says 'I'm going with!'...TAKE A DRINK!
Drink Bitch!
If Charlie lives...TAKE A DRINK!

When Charlie dies...CHUG!
Drink Bitch!
Every time an Other gets killed...TAKE A DRINK!
Drink 13 times Bitch!
Every time something blows up...TAKE A DRINK!
Drink 3 times Bitch!
Every time Locke blows something up...CHUG!

If Jack starts crying again...TAKE A DRINK!
Drink 4 times Bitch!
Every time a gun is fired...TAKE A DRINK!
Drink 10 times Bitch!
Every time Jim Halpert looks directly into the camera...CHUG!
Drink 3 times Bitch!

Frickin Halpert man! Eyes in the boat!
GODOT- I hear you. The only difference is that I purposely avoid movies because I cannot stand strangers. This year, I think I've seen 4 movies, and I'll check out Sicko at the end of the month, but that's about it.

KENNY- Why you gotta curse up my comments section?

Darn heck toot.

BLUSTACON- Thanks for the homage. That reminds me, I really appreciate the folks sticking around while I pursue this book thing. It's the reason I started the CDP, and I look forward to getting down to the business of getting down as soon as possible.

Darn heck toot.
CDP- Last night, I was particularly amused by those words. I apologize.
I blame this week's Onion article:
My apologies as well. I forgot that you try to keep it PG to PG-13 here.
If any of you had a conversation with me in person, you'd be borderline offended by my liberal use of swears. The Missus is constantly shushing me in public places whenever I go off on a trademark rant.

In short, it's not like I care what language shows up on the CDP, but for the love of God, think of the children!

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