Wednesday, May 23

Lost Wednesday - Preshow Edition.

Lost Wednesday-Preshow Edition.

Depending on when you're reading this, the Lost finale is anywhere from 20 hours away to over and done with millions of years ago.

Is the latter is true of you, I say hello, future society! I'm sorry for all the bad stuff we did to the planet during the first 2000 years. Is Abe Vigoda still alive? He IS?!

I've got two things for you today; a Season Finale Drinking Game, and an exclusive, behind-the-scenes look at what all goes into a CDP Lost Friday. They're both very exciting and ego-driven, which is what always seems to make me a happy guy. And away we go.

Season Finale Drinking Game.

If Walt shows up...TAKE A DRINK!
If Michael shows up...TAKE A DRINK!
If Arzt shows up...CHUG!
Every time Desmond says 'brother'...TAKE A DRINK!
Every time Desmond's beard says 'brother'...CHUG!
Every time Jack looks discouraged and smarky...TAKE A DRINK!
Every time Kate says 'I'm going with!'...TAKE A DRINK!
If Charlie lives...TAKE A DRINK!
When Charlie dies...CHUG!
Every time an Other gets killed...TAKE A DRINK!
Every time something blows up...TAKE A DRINK!
Every time Locke blows something up...CHUG!
If Jack starts crying again...TAKE A DRINK!
Every time a gun is fired...TAKE A DRINK!
Every time Jim Halpert looks directly into the camera...CHUG!

Well, that'll get you hammered. Maybe even a little dead if you play your cards just right. Happy swilling!

Lost Friday-Behind The Scenes.

The Lost Friday writing process begins shortly after Lost ends on Wednesday night. I used to be a nerd and actually take notes during the episode, but it started to feel like a job, and it also got in the way of my weekly beer-swilling ritual. For those who haven't yet heard the story, I have approximately 20 bottles of New Glarus Barley Wine (my favorite beer) left in my basement, thought by many to be the last bottles in existence after a distribution issue forced the shutdown of production. Because of this, I only drink a bottle of said Barley Wine when there is a new episode of Lost on (I don't share). When I run out, I'll probably stop watching the show.

Anyway, when the episode's over, I stumble into the office and take very brief notes before I go to bed. I essentially jot down things I want to remember, little tidbits I've noticed or humorous things that came to me during the course of the night. I would normally forget these things come morning, so I take notes as to not set myself up with a completely blank slate on Thursday.

On Thursday, I do about 90% of the writing during the day (read:at work). I set up a basic outline and fill in the gaps throughout the morning and afternoon. At this point in the evolution of Lost Friday, my format is pretty much exactly the way I want it (Opening Rant-Thick & Meaty-Question Of The Week-5 Awesome Things-Break It Down-Preview-Outro), so I rarely stray unless I feel like writing a bunch of haikus. I never write Lost Friday in sequential order; for example, if I get an idea for 5 Awesome Things, I'll do it right away. Most of the time, however, I just come up with one joke at a time and plug it in where necessary.

For The Thick & Meaty, I like to consult mainstay pages like Lostpedia and The Fuselage for basic information about the plotline and movement of the episode. That way, I have a firm idea of exactly how the show played out, so I can blur the lines and take my brilliant and Patent-Pending satire wherever I want it to go, all while staying within the realistic confines of what the episode actually brought. If you didn't see Wednesday's episode, chances are you're not going to get 80% of the jokes. Nor should you.

I do my best to get the majority of the writing done before I come home from the Acid Mines. When I get back home at around 4pm, I look over everything I've written and do another edit. Adding jokes, changing around the wording of clinkers, getting rid of things that ruin the flow of the post. At this point, I also start doing my formatting and getting everything in its right place. Sure, you might not notice that the font and labels for everything are uniform every week, but you know that I do.

At this point, I have all of my writing done and looking pretty much the way it will look when it gets published. There are still no images, captions, links or logos, however. This is where the Missus comes in and gives it a good read-through. She's very skilled with grammar and is nice enough to let me know when something sounds stupid, regardless of how funny I think it is. She's a good second pair of eyes, and does what she can to make sure I don't look as stupid as I'm capable of looking, which is a whole hell of a lot.

I just peed in my pantaloons.

Once I get the thumbs-up from the Missus (usually at around 6pm on Thursday), I set Lost Friday down and leave it alone. If there's one thing I've learned over my years of writing music, screenplays and speeches, it's to just let something go for awhile and come back to it later on with fresh eyes. Me and the Missus enjoy our Thursday night; usually smoking cigars hand rolled by Jesus and sipping on wine squeezed from unicorns. Typical fare.

The next time I see Lost Friday, it's about 10pm on Thursday night. I go over everything one last time, making last-second changes to any text I think is worthless. I paste in my standard Lost Friday logos (Break It Down/Thick & Meaty/Etc.) and add all of the links to my previous writings and various sites.

The photos and captions are the very last thing I add to Lost Friday. At about 10:30pm, I scour hundreds of screenshots of the episode, saving any and every image I could conceivably bust on. I normally look at about 500 screenshots a week, and end up using 10-15 of them for each Lost Friday. I save, resize, upload, paste and probably go to the bathroom a time or two.

At this point, it's about quarter to 12, and I'm trying hard to stay awake and get everything ready for my self-imposed midnight deadline. I place the photos wherever they would flow best in the post, and start throwing captions around. Because I only work on captions late at night and under deadline duress, they sometimes have a tendency to be surreal or make absolutely no sense at all. To this day, there are about 10 captions out there that still bewilder me to no end. I couldn't explain them to you if I tried.

Once the captions are slapped together, Lost Friday starts to resemble the pristine weekly CDP post you've come to know and set your watch to over the past two years. At 12:01am on Wednesday morning, I hit the publish button, proclaim myself a genius and go to freaking sleep, knowing that I've once again satisfied the raving mobs with nothing more than my table scraps.

In actuality, I shake my head in utter defeat, knowing that I've gone another week without getting it exactly right. I think it's my desire for that perfect post that keeps me coming back for more. Either that, or the e-mails from people telling me that they'll stop visiting the CDP if I quit talking about Lost.

A typical Lost Friday is anywhere from 2,000 to 4,000 words a week. That's up to 16 pages of material EVERY FRIDAY! Considering that my timeframe to write these is about 5 hours max, you start to see how awesome I am for doing this every week. Professional writers make a fantastic living for doing a lot less, and Lost Friday just accounts for 1/3 of what I normally put into the CDP every week. I'm not boasting, I'm just coming to a very sad realization. Damn.

So, whether you wanted to know or not, that's the creative process behind Lost Friday. I appreciate you taking the time to check it out. I'll get back to performing dog tricks now; sound off in the comments section and brace yourself for the most surprising finale in Lost history. Cheers.


A combination of smarmy and snarky? Sounds about right.
Patent Pending!

I don't know what I'm looking more forward to; the Season Finale or the fact that I won't have to write about Lost until next February.

Seriously though, this finale is going to blow 'yer mind.
I think JT needs to watch this episode just so he can test out the drinking game.
Absolutely. I'd do it, but I can't write Lost Friday in Detox.

Not very well, at least.
Where in the heck IS JT anyway? Comments get pretty lonely w/out him...
I just feel lonely altogether today. It's like a plague swept through the Blogosphere.
This lack of JT is becoming seriously frustrating. Where art though, usual commenters?
I'm not JT, but I'm still here!

I just keep checking back to see when JT is going to show up, though.
Oh yeah, sorry! Didn't mean to exclude you :) You are an integral and important part of the CDP commenting system.
It's ok, I subscribe to the "one and done" method of commenting. You will usually only see me commenting to any given entry only once, but today I'm feeling particularly feisty.
Pork Tornado linked to my interview today, so I'm getting a brazillion more hits than usual. I sure hope they like Lost!
I'm all excited because we're house/dog sitting for my wife's boss for a couple months, and he has the HD cable and a widescreen HD TV, so tonight we'll get to watch the Lost finale in all it's widescreen glory.

He also has a sweet home theater downstairs with an HD projector and 75" screen, but the HD cable's not hooked up down there, dagnabbit.
Hey CDP. Just linked here from Pork Tornado
you got a good thing going on here. Don't F#$% it up.

Seriously I think we all appreciate the hard work you put into your blog. You are entitled to fish a complement from your undeserving readers (although this massive post is the equivelent of a factory trawler0

Kudos to you sir

I don't like granola

Oh- I think we could all get hammered if we just drank when Jack tears up, he rarely actually lets them fly. Might disturb his carefully crafted hetero-persona.
PASTE- I jealous. Enjoy the show; it's nice to hear from you again! Hope all is well with the new Missus.

BLUSTACON- Thank you, sir. It's surreal being the topic of conversation on my Favorite Blog Ever, so it's been a pretty good day for me.

Fishing for compliments or not, I can't wait for my 8 month Lost vacation.
...And because I can, here's the most up-to-date Guitar Hero song list for you.

Guitar Hero Rocks The 80's:

"I Wanna Rock" - Twisted Sister
"I Ran (So Far Away)" - A Flock of Seagulls
"Round and Round" - Ratt
"I Want Candy" - Bow Wow Wow
"Metal Health" - Quiet Riot
"Holy Diver" - Dio
"Heat of the Moment" - Asia
"18 and Life" - Skid Row
"Bathroom Wall" - Faster Pussycat
"Lonely is the Night" - Billy Squier
"Nothing But a Good Time" - Poison
"Play With Me" - Extreme
"Shakin'" - Eddie Money
"Synchronicity II" - The Police

Wow, that's awesome. But check this out!

Guitar Hero III:

Paint It Black (Rolling Stones)
Cherub Rock (Smashing Pumpkins)
Sabotage (Beastie Boys)
The Metal (Tenacious D)
My Name is Jonas (Weezer)
Knights of Cydonia (Muse)
Rock And Roll All Nite (Kiss)
School's Out (Alice Cooper)
Slow Ride (Foghat)
Cult of Personality (Living Colour)
Barracuda (Heart)

Jonas.....holy S#%&!
Since JT is M.I.A., I suppose I will be the one to make the obligatory post from the great state of South Carolina (stop snickering).

Rest assured CDPers, that there will be much drinking going on in Upstate S.C. during this finale. While I am sure that I cannot hold a candle to the likes of JT's tolerance, I will still do my liver proud (or totally wrong, if you are lookig at this from my liver's P.O.V.), on this most holiest of nights.

I do like granola. But I also hug trees, so I guess it's par for the course.
I used to hug trees, but once I realize they had ants and spiders on them I quit.

I don't like the sounds of the songs on that 80's edition, but that GH3 lineup looks great!
I really like Granola. CDP can have my Kudos anyway.
Dammit!!! My super sweet, extra long comment just mysteriously disappeared! (*Running off to cry because Blogger hates me now*)

Okay, I'm back. I'm going to try to remember everything that I said...

"At 12:01am on Wednesday morning, I hit the publish button..."

So you are psychic too? You really can do it all, can't you? Maybe when they finally get around to killing Desmond off, you can replace him (or even Richard Malkin) as the show's resident psychic! Or you could start your own 900 number and make a lot of money like Miss Cleo telling people who their baby's daddy is and then run off to another country to escape tax fraud!!!!


I think I speak for all the peeps over at The Coconut Internet, when I say that we would all like to thank you for the hard work that you put into Lost Friday every week. I know personally that there were a lot of times during the season of hell that I didn't even look forward to the episode. Even in those rough times, I always looked forward to Lost Friday.

You have singlehandedly made the bad times of Lost enjoyable for us all, and we greatly appreciate that.

Make sure you take advantage of the eight month hiatus currently known as Hellbo because (hopefully) you will still be doing Lost Friday in 2010!

So thanks again for all the laughs over the past three seasons!

(That should be enough ego-stroking from me for at least until the next season! Just kidding!)

Professional writers make a fantastic living for doing a lot less

4000-5000 words? Wow. It would kill you to know how much I just got paid to write a 8-word headline.

[insert Nelson "Ha Ha" picture here]

See? That's what I'm talking about. I'm wasting my life, here. I'm quitting.
i'm going to agree with Jeannie ... even if Lost has a down episode, i always look forward to lost friday! guys make me all happy and stuff.
Awww! You coconut internet peeps are so sweet!

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