Tuesday, July 31

Living On A Kernel.

Such Funny Titles.

As you may or may not know, my wife's aunt and uncle run a wildly successful produce distribution in the Northeast Wisconsin area. Anyone who cares the slightest bit about sweet corn in the Fox Cities is aware of Allen's Allenville Produce. It's a Midwestern institution, and you should probably stop by some day.

Just last week, a friend was manning the produce truck, taking money and helping out a large group of satisfied customers, when a private car rolled up with two men emerging from within. One of the men was carrying a handgun on his waist, and the other guy was Jon Bon Jovi.

Seriously. I guess he had played a show up north the previous night, and was traveling along his way when he decided he really wanted some sweet corn. According to eyewitnesses, he's very handsome but very, very short. Sounds about right.

I'm going to stop here, because I'm laughing too hard. We've finally surpassed the acceptable level of absurdity on this page. I apologize.

For inquiring minds, the salesperson was my brother's very cute fiance. I still think it would have been better if Jon Bon Jovi was so smitten with her that they ran off together. When people would ask my brother what happened with him and his fiance, he would be able to say in all honesty "She ran off with Jon Bon Jovi." Coolest...breakup...ever.
Ummm, yeah, sure, whatever.
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I know how it sounds, but there's no way I could have possibly thought up something so absurd.
Please tell me he sang a song in an effort to void the money transaction.
I wish. To see him try to talk his way out of a $4 purchase would have been gold.
Ok. So he does a set in Eau Claire on July 21 (I looked that up), jumps in a car, and instead of driving to a major airport (ie: Minneapolis), he is driven south down I94 when he suddenly decides he wants sweet corn. Then, just assuming he actually did have a craving for this stuff, he decides to take a 50 mile detour to the east, and ends up at Allen's market, on County Trunk G, in Allenville. Is that what you are telling me?
Haha! Ryan, I can picture you singing "Living on a Kernel" and laughing really hard. That's funny stuff!
Yup, it was the day after the Eau Claire set on the 21st, and he went to Allen's Oshkosh location (in the Sears Grand parking lot).

He wasn't traveling with the band in a bus; he was in a private car with an armed guard. Also, it doesn't look like Bon Jovi had any more dates scheduled for awhile, so he actually might have been just driving around. I sincerely have no idea.
And yes, I'm singing that song and laughing heartily. It's impossible not to.
Nice. We've (read: the other bartenders) been completely over-playing the acoustic version of "Living on a Prayer" for a few weeks now.

CDP, thanks to you, I can now laugh about it instead of trying not to stab whoever keeps altering the playlist.
Maybe he was heading back east to New Jersey, or whatever. That would make sense. Either way, he somehow ended up in Oshkosh buying corn from my brother's fiance.

I bet that corn blew his mind!
JT - Just imagine Jon Bon Jovi buying corn at a roadside stand, and you'll feel a lot better about it. I sure do.

HATHERY - Allen's corn is the greatest corn that ever corned.
I'm anticipatory of the day The CDP is driving with his armed bodyguard after his 3rd book-signing (of a 12 book-signing tour) and decides to swing by lovely Frederick, MD for an insurance quote. It'll be the first story I tell my grandchildren.
Oh, and Bon Jovi's bodyguard definitely attended Duke's summer program.

Did he REALLY need to have the gun while navigating through Small-Town, Wisconsin???
You've obviously never been at Allen's Allenville Sweetcorn when stock gets low. It's mayhem!

I'm aware that what I'm about to tell you could potentially ruin my existence on this board, but I'm bringing it anyway.

My fantasy football team name this year is...

Wait for it...



Coach K's Cancer Wigs
MOE - You always have to ride a very fine line with a cancer joke, and I'm pleased to say that making Coack K the butt of the punchline has more than put it on the acceptable side of the equation. Kudos, good sir!

My book tour is going to rule. I'm just going to drive directly to every reader's house and use high-pressure tactics to unload crates of product.

I guess Jon Bon Jovi gets mobbed a lot. But from what I can tell, 55 year old women usually aren't all that dangerous.
This is CDP Comment #9121, by the way. I got bored, so I checked the stats.
CDP - when using high pressure tactics at my house, just be forewarned...we're heavily armed.

On the other hand, we're also usually slightly intoxicated, which makes us friendly and an easy sell.

Yes, we're armed and drunk, but never at the same time.
I have this problem where just my arms get drunk. It's very embarrassing at work and church.
...and Best Buy.
I may need to find another job. I have been awake for well over 24 hours and have no desire to sleep.

Completely organic, no blow/coke/meth/ice/etc involved. I just don't easily go to sleep after busting my ass for 8 hours in a crowded bar full of giant douchebags.

Wait...maybe I need to drink more.
Sleep is for the weak. You're evolving.

See how long you can go before you get all irritable and pass out. My personal record was 47 hours.
He must have been homesick...everyone knows that NJ has THE BEST CORN.
(drum fill)

People keep calling me or stopping me, asking me if this story is true or not. Have I strayed you yet? Have I?

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