Thursday, July 5

Welcome To Devil's Lake. Go To Hell.

Grillin like a villain.

I may be stating the obvious here, but I've never been a huge fan of Independence Day. I don't like fireworks, I don't like going outside in July, and I'm merely tolerating America on a day-to-day basis. To me, it's just another paid holiday. But yesterday, me and the Missus (along with Ben & Sherry) headed out to Devil's Lake State Park for an afternoon of grilling, drinking and throwing pine cones at crows.

The drive through southern Wisconsin was beautiful as always, taking in incredible hillsides and other Ice Age artifacts along the way. True to idiotic form, however, I assumed that we were the only people brilliant enough to come up with the idea to spend our Fourth of July at Devil's Lake. We were wrong, but nonetheless found a nice tree to set up camp under.

Ben got things going on the grill.

Grillin like an ass.

When Vegetarians grill out, it's slightly different than when most normal people throw down. Hamburgers become veggie burgers, hot dogs become veggie dogs, and steak becomes sweet corn. For as healthy of an alternative as vegetarianism is, I was more than winded after only 30 seconds of tossing the football around. The fact that it was about a brazillion degrees didn't help any.

I did my best to stay hydrated by sucking down a massive batch of Bomb Pop that I whipped up just for this trip. It's a refreshing Summer drink that consists of grenadine, lemonade and about a quart of Blue UV. At least, the concoction that I mixed did. It gave me the strength I needed to play a strenuous game of Bocce ball and eat over 5 pounds of both potato and macaroni salad.

Drinkin like an ass.

I didn't wear my commie shirt for any comedic effect on Independence Day, it was just a coincidence. Also, it wasn't a coincidence, and I'm only suggesting it was to cork the cryholes of those who don't think it's funny. It is funny, and you can kind of see my right nipple in that photo. I bought it at Urban Outfitters, so you can assume that it's incredibly thin and more than a little overpriced. But that's the price you pay for wanting to look like a douchebag.

As I slowly slipped into a coma, we did some people-watching, which included no less than an hour of a severely overweight woman attempting to fly a kite. By herself. Honestly, for over an hour. I then set my car alarm off from 20 yards away when a little girl rode her bike past it. I was trying to get her to actually fall off of the bike, but I was still pleased with the results.

Veggie patties ahoy!

After most of the alcohol had been drank and the food properly digested, we said goodbye to Devil's Lake and hit the nearest Go-Kart track. If there's one thing more fun than driving Go-Karts on the Fourth of July, it's doing it whilst partially hammered.

Just the four of us had the entire track to ourselves, which we tore up like nobody's business. For the sake of protecting their egos and social status, I will not tell you how badly I destroyed the other 3 contestants. Let's just say that I got to run 2 extra laps because of how far I was ahead. I looked like Toad and Toadette rocking the Daisy Cruiser in Mirror Mode with the Pink Kart (if you got that reference, you're officially invited to my next Mario Kart party).

Just a reminder; today's post is brought to you by rocks.

Rocks. Nature's rock.

Rockin the rocks.

It's times like this that I feel very fortunate to live in Wisconsin. We have so many different formations and varying degrees of land here, that you get to take in a lot of the nation by never crossing state lines. It's not perfect, but damn, I've never once thought that Wisconsin wasn't anything short of awesome.

After a long day outside, we headed back to CDP Headquarters, where we realized that Ben had left his keys back at the campsite, almost an hour away. This happened because they got dropped onto the ground at some point by accident. We verified this by zooming in on one of our photos, CSI-style.

Have a look at this unassuming photo of our post-lunch mess. Everything seems innocent enough, but what's that metallic object buried in the grass?


We'd better zoom in for a closer look. Can we get a magnification on this?

Oh noes!


Looks like someone's going to be sitting at my house tomorrow afternoon, waiting for their wife to get home from work. I sure hope I didn't throw my metal detector away.

So, Fourth of July week is drawing to a close, leaving me relatively unscathed. I got minimal sunburn, no hangovers to speak of and nothing but good stories to tell. I cooked out twice, celebrated my cousin's graduation, got my hands on about 400 vintage vinyl albums, spent lots of money in some of the coolest parts of Madison, lit fireworks in my driveway, made mad progress on my book, hit up a state park and it's not even Friday yet.

Furthermore, the four of us will be headed off to Steven's Point (about 110 miles north of Madison) for yet another party this weekend. I have no idea what the occasion is, but I've been told to get us a hotel room for the night up there, so I can assume it's going to be just slightly more than I'll be able to handle.

I genuinely hope that your week has been as good as mine. If it hasn't, I guess I don't give a crap.

CDP, you look positively Brobdingnagian standing next to that grill. If I were you I'd submit that photo to Guiness Book of World records. Hmm, I wonder if there are any alcohol-related records in Guiness. I'll have to check.

Great essay, by the way. Reserve a copy of your book for me, will you?
I wish I had some great 4th stories, but it was uneventful. In all actuality, that was a nice change of pace.

Nice nipple, CDP.
LOTT- I actually had to Google what Brobdingnagian meant, but it was well worth it. One of the more literary references we've had here in awhile. To be fair, I only stepped whthin 10 yards of the grill just to snap that photo. My life is a hollow lie.

Thanks for the mad props; I'm holding you to that book purchase once the release date drops, yo.

JT- Hey, at least you didn't die, right?

Damn, I'm going to have to blur that nipple out, somehow. Damn thin shirts!
Nice Ref Lott, I had assumed it was from Gullivers Travels because I vaguely remeber him going to a land of giants. (I would never have known their name in a million years!) Which begs the question: Why do the Lilliputins get so much cred? Seriously! Of all the stories they focus on those little bastards.

We had a great Fourth out here. My Town sponsered it's first annual parade which was a resounding success. After that it was hot dogs hamburgers and plenty of hard limeade!
Atta' boy, Blustacon. We had a parade here, too, which consisted of a lot of Canadian marching bands, for some reason.
I wanted the CDP or Ben to yell "We love your country!" or "Take us with you!" at the Canadian marching band, but Sherry politely reminded me that this was a FOURTH OF JULY parade and this would not be a very respectful thing to do. Psshht.
"Take us with you!" would have been absolutely hilarious, but we would have been run out of town on a rail. But isn't that what we want?

I've given myself a lot to think about...
I think the Lilliputians get the spotlight because as much as we are loathe to admit it, Americans have a major bondge fetish.
I thought it was the recurring dream of being walked on by little people.
For me, it's a little bit of both, with some Asian women tossed on for flavor.

I'll show myself out.
CDP, you don't want to go to Canada. They use the metric system, for the love of God.

The metric system!
One of the funniest things I've ever heard had to do with the Metric System.

We were watching a Canadian punk band named Chixdiggit at an outdoor festival in Wisconsin about 6 or 7 years ago, and they were talking about the drive down.

"Yeah, we drove about 300 kilometers last night," the lead singer said.

"What's a kilometer?" yelled some dude from the back.

You probably had to be there.
That guy is my hero.
The guy looked exactly like Brian Posehn, so it was all the more hilarious.
I cannot believe you remember what the guy looked like.
Oh, I remember everything, baby!
That does make it even better!

Also, what are the proportions for Bomb Pop? I'm going out on the lake after work, and thought it sounded refreshing.
The way I mix it, it's 1:2 (Blue UV to lemonade), with just a swirl of grenadine to top it off (not too much; it gets too sweet). If you wait until after pouring the grenadine to add the ice, the colors will stay separated.

Also, if you're feeling frisky, you can substitute the lemonade with Smirnoff Ice or Mike's Hard Lemonade.

I'll be putting up an instructional video later in the month. Seriously.
While it's certainly a departure from my typical PBR, I plan on trying it.
I took a sip whilst cooking out at Devil's Lake. I thought it tasted like death.
Maybe I'll stick to PBR..
The "Devil's Lake Mix" was just a throwing-together of everything that was left in the bottles. Furthermore, I put in way too much Grenadine and shook it all up. And it was warm.

It wasn't as delicious as it normally is; I was just trying to get drunk really, really fast.
First - I'm a jackass. I just realized the significange of "Bomb Pop" and you mentioning that the colors will stay put - the old ice cream treat. It probably would have helped if I had opted for the more expensive Blue UV that is blue versus the generic blue raspberry vodka that is not blue.

Second - I'm throwing down the gauntlet and using Mike's Hard Lemonade. This is probably a bad idea.

Third - If you don't hear from me for a few days, wire bail money.
Yep...tastes like death. Of course, I mixed the vodka to the Mike's Hard Lemonade 1:1, and then added grenadine for color.

Then I mixed up a simple syrup in an attempt to take off some of the bite, which made it too sweet, which I counteracted with lemon get the picture.

The point is, in the process of mixing up this drink that is almost pure alcohol, I have a buzz and we haven't even left for the lake yet.


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