Monday, September 10

Boom Goes The Spider Bite.

Yes, this was the same spider I'm talking about in this post.

It was about 2:30 on a Thursday afternoon. I was at work, just about to lock the door of the private bathroom I had stepped into. I often used the private bathroom because I'm strongly opposed to defecating in the same room with someone else at the same time. There's something extremely wrong with that, and I prefer to avoid it at all costs. Even though the public stalls are 100 yards closer to my cubicle, I always make the trek for the greater good.

With the door locked, I sat down and began my business. No less than a few seconds later did I notice what appeared to be the largest spider in Wisconsin recorded history, staring right back at me from the door. It was about two feet away, clinging at eye level from my vantage point.

The bathroom itself is more like a Porta-Potty than anything. It's about 4 feet wide by 4 feet long, cramming only a toilet and sink into the cramped area. Me and Spider were trapped together for the time being, and I tried very hard not to make any sudden movements. The last thing I needed was to lose sight of this thing with my pants around my ankles. I would have had no reservations darting out of that room with reckless abandon, dangling like nobody's business while prominent businessmen and wealthy getabouts stared on in abject terror.

As I wrapped up my duties, I kept a death-gaze on the spider. I knew that he was waiting for me to turn away for a mere second to pull up my pants, and then BAM! He would latch directly onto my Naughty Place, sink his fangs in and slowly digest me from the inside-out. I wasn't ready to accept this fate just yet. Or ever, really.

I stood up ever so slowly, pulling up my boxers and khakis one inch at a time, all while focusing hard on the spider. If he would have darted in any direction at this point, I probably would have screamed and knocked myself out on the back of the toilet. He was already inside my head, and I needed to get my wits together immediately.

Up came the khakis, on went the belt, and before I knew it, I was 6 inches away from the spider, looming over it as he now skittered over to the side wall. I shivered as I saw how big he actually was. It was more like a doughnut with teeth. The kind of spider that you see in nightmares when you've had too much to drink. I had to kill it; it was the only way I would ever be able to bring myself to use the private bathroom again. The mere thought of having this thing sneak up on me in the future was enough reason to never urinate again.

Because he was on the drywall, I couldn't just step on it as if he were on the floor. Besides, he was so big, he could have probably gone for a double-underhook takedown as I was rearing up. Nope, because he was on the wall, I thought of a brilliant way to nail him with a flat-footed stomp, eliminating all chances of a near-hit or worse, a total whiff with violent spider retaliation. I decided to stand with my back to the spider, bracing myself by putting my hands on either side of the sink, and mule kicking backwards to smoosh the spider with all of the pressure on the bottom of my shoe. That way, I didn't have to monkey with it to get it onto the floor. No fuss, no muss.

One swift kick, one smashed spider, and one happy guy that just took a poop. Seems foolproof.

I turned away from him, but kept peering over my shoulder to make sure he was in the same spot. I clutched onto the sink with both hands, took a few practice kicks and started lining up. I was going to demolish this spider. Pulverize it. There was no way he was coming back from this one.

I wound up and sent a vicious mule kick towards the spider, my foot completely smashing through the drywall all the way up to my ankle. Horrified, I tried to yank my leg back out of the hole, but the tip of my shoe got caught and tripped me up, sending me head-first towards the toilet. I thrust my arms out to prevent myself from a self-administered Swirlie, my left arm grabbing the seat and my right arm plunging straight down into the bowl.

So there I was, very much alone in a tiny bathroom, experiencing something altogether new to me. My right leg still stuck inside of the hole I had just kicked in the wall, my left knee on the filthy tile floor, my left arm clutching a public toilet seat, and my right arm soaked to the elbow with poop water. The only way it could have gotten any worse was if my First Grade teacher had walked in, peered down at my sweaty face and said, "See? I told you you'd never amount to anything."

Just then, I saw it. The spider. Climbing up the opposite side wall, just inches away from my face. I was completely helpless. Stuck. Even with all of my destruction, I had actually missed the damn thing, and now he was eyeing me up for the kill.

"This is how it ends for me," I said to myself. I grimaced and prepared for all of the jokes and press coverage my bloated corpse would receive upon discovery.

Just then, my foot rattled loose from the wall, giving me the leverage I needed to pull my hand out of the toilet and stand myself back up. Dripping wet, my pant legs white with drywall, I grabbed a wad of toilet paper and stood before the spider. One of us was going to die in this room, and although I honestly thought it was going to be me due to my own baffling stupidity and luck, the tables had turned and business was about to pick up.

One thrust later, and it was all over. I had won this battle, but at what cost?

I spun around and surveyed the scene. One shoe-sized hole in the wall? Check. One dusty, white pair of khakis? Check. One arm completely submerged inside of a public toilet? Check. One dead spider mashed against the wall? Check and mate, bitch.

Concerning insects, I'd say that we're even now. Enjoy your Monday.

If you'd just leave the poor thing alone, you wouldn't have had your arm in a pool of fecal water nor kicked a hole in the wall. How the heck did you explain that hole to facilities or your management?

Julia -- I have no idea why you didn't get my CD yet. They were mailed with the same rate on the same day from the same post office. Maybe the crazy gal at the counter hid it just to mock me (again). It should arrive Monday.
Wow...just wow.

I would also like to know how you explained the wall and your soaking wet arm.
I didn't tell anyone about the hole in the wall, and I made sure to properly clean off before I went back to work. The private bathroom is on the 'old,' unfinished side of the office building, so it's generally abandoned over there.

I had to kill the spider, simply because I would have never been able to use that bathroom again. The photo at the top of my post is an actual picture of the Garden Spider in question. They're that big and that scary.

I'm putting this story in the book. I still have time.
very nice. i was almost wetting myself reading this. its nice to know there are others who are worse off than myself...

do we have a eta for this book yet?
Giving people the satisfaction of knowing that I'm worse off than them is the sole reason people enjoy my page, Doctor P. I'm thinking about naming my book, "Poor Life Decisions."

The book should be completed in October. It was supposed to be the end of September, but a bunch of things came up, I broke my leg and my laptop stopped working. Besides, October is just plain better than September could ever be.
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Yup, it never hurts to donate or buy some quality CDP Merch. Both links are in the sidebar, and they are minty-fresh.

Otherwise, just pinky-swear that you'll buy the CDP Book when it's released. You'll be glad you did; I'm nude on every page.

If the laptop cost $900, and we used it 10 times, that means it cost $90 per use. Throw on another 300-400 to fix it, and...well, my butthole hurts.
I assume this is an HP laptop? I say that because they are pieces of junk.

If you're somewhat technically inclined and you can get the video working through a monitor, try burning a copy of MemTest86 and booting that laptop up with that. It will throughly test the memory (i.e. RAM). If the RAM is bad, it will tell you. In laptops, the video card shares the same RAM as the rest of machine. If the memory is bad, then try getting some new memory. That's tons cheaper than a new motherboard.

then click "Download"

Of course, I talk like I know what the problem is, but I don't really. Except that you didn't by a MacBook. *rimshot*
Spiders I can deal with. I think the Cape is the Shangri-La for spiders. They are everywhere.
It's the webs I can't stand. There is nothing worse than leaving the house in the sleepy-coffee-hasn't-kicked-in funk only to walk right through some damn spider's butt-strings. They always seem to be at face level too! You wind up making the lemon face to avoid inhaling the things and pirouetting like a hyped up monkey trying to slam dance and vogue at the same time.

yeah boy.
HOSS - Thanks for the info. We made the right decision in purchasing an iMac, but the Gateway PC Notebook has really let me down. Let this be a lesson to all the kids out there: MAC OR DIE.

BLU - I hear you. Every time I go into the basement for something, I always manage to find the one spiderweb I didn't take care of the last time I was down there. Always in the face, always impossible to remove.

I've seen many a spider in my day, but this one was a mammoth.
Nope, the laptop doesn't work the the monitor. The video card= dead. Laptop= dead. DEAD DEAD DEAD. Note to self: never buy a windows machine again.
What I meant to say is that the laptop does not work when hooked up to a monitor.
I'm hoping a lot of people will get their mixes today. That'll cheer me up.


My God, the Weakerthans are one of the most fantastic bands on Earth right now.
I just received mine from Willbetheboy! cool. I am mailing mine today, I missed the deadline, but it's going out now. CDP your copy will be included. Don't be dissapointed, it's just music I enjoy listening to.
I received my CD, today!

Before they were the Blue Devils, Duke was the Arachnids.
cdp & hathery: Gateway sucks too. I just didn't think people bought them anymore!

One of the best things I ever did for my marriage was to get a MacBook Pro instead of another laptop to run Linux on (yes, I'm that kind of a geek!).

Overall, I think I still prefer Linux, but there is something special about the Mac.
BLU & MOE - Rad! Just like clockwork.

HOSS - I just bought the notebook so I could work on writing projects while I was on the road or away from my office. Even that was too much for the damn thing.

FYI, I'll pretty much be away from my computer from noon today until Tuesday evening. If you have any mix-tape questions, I'll answer them as soon as I can, and if you get your mix in the mail, sound off and let everyone know!
I would like to point out that Windows machines don't suck, factory built ones do. Gateway and HP are the devil, and Dell isn't far behind. If you have the know how to build your own, you can get a clean, efficient machine.

Mac still rules, though.

No mix in the mail, but I did get some random other stuff I had sent off for, as well as 3.4 cubic tons of junk mail.
Apparently, turning the computer ON was too much for it.
JT, Kenny just mentioned on her blog that she will be late with the mix-tape, and she's 'not sorry.'

I don't know what that means for sure, and I'm too scared to ask. Sorry about that.
Um, maybe she's going to drop it off in person?
Eh, if that's the worst thing that happens to me all week, I guess I should count myself lucky.

Can't wait to hear what you and Moe think of my album artwork.
Is it poop smeared on the back of a playing card??
Better. It's the photo of their 'White Trash Party.'

I just got JT's and Moe's mixes today; thank you very much! You're right, JT, the mix theme and photo all produce a very specific mood; one that makes me want to come down for a long weekend. Can't wait to sit down with it soon.

Same to you, Moe. Thanks for magazine, too. I'm a sucker for peeks into other people's towns. Rad, rad, rad.

None of these set lists are showing up in iTunes, though. I don't know what I'm listening to!
Sorry, man. I'm a Rhapsody guy for music. I hate that iTunes doesn't let you "borrow" the music on an MP3 player. I can email you a copy of the track list...
...and JT's album cover is everything I hoped it would be.
I never poop in public toilets. Just use the urinals. I don't wanna know that people I don't know have pooped where I poop.

I included a track list on the back of my album cover.

Also, any long weekend you want to come down, you and the Missus are welcome at the house.

Be warned - we drink a lot.
How do all these ridiculous things keep happening to you? Although, I guess you were kind of asking for it by doing that fancy reverse kick. Those never work out quite the way you intend them to.

Also, Mike, the CD has been received. Thank you!
Julia -- I'm glad you got it! Email me and post your thoughts.

I'm still waiting for mine, but mine was out a day early. I can wait . . .
I love that WWE has midget leprechauns now. I always thought to myself while watching RAW "Ya know - this show is missing that special something...", but I could never quite put my finger on it until last night. It was like an epiphany. Although the HHH/Stephanie brother/sister storyline might have made for some funny (if slightly creepy) fluff in between the wrasslin'. (And I think HHH is the only entertaining thing about the increasingly boring ridiculousness of RAW, at this point - we've given up on Smack Down completely)
A quick max-tape note for everyone; once I receive all the mixes that have been sent to me, I'll listen to one of them in their entirety every day, and post a run-down on the page. I'm tingling with anticipation.

Yeah Maus, if there's one thing the WWE lacks, it's subtle dignity. They thrown everything at the wall and keep everything that sticks or otherwise. HHH was in rare form last night; even I was cheering for him. Smackdown is only good for Rey Mysterio right now; you're right.

It should be noted that Cena and Orton wrestled a 'dark match' after the show went off the air; the place was going crazy. Also, when he ran through the crowd, it was like a freaking riot in the building.

I'm outta here!

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