Wednesday, October 17

Twenty Photographs Of Door County.

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(Here, the CDP secretly wonders if anyone would notice Ben's sudden and mysterious disappearance.)

The weather was beautiful when we visited Lake Michigan. The Missus dipped her toes in for good luck, and I tried really hard not to fall in and be swept away in a riptide.

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(As the CDP ages, the most inane and depressing things make him happy.)

One thing I made a point to do was pick up some apples for my Grandma. She asked for 'Snow Crisp' apples, which only attracted laughing and confused looks from the folks at the orchard. I think she meant 'Honey Crisp,' as the entire acreage was littered with them. Done and done.

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(Swedes need to stay big, curvy and beautiful. Chocolate moves God's plan along nicely.)

A trip to 'Al Johnson's Swedish Restaurant' in Sister Bay was eye-opening, in that all of the authentic Swedish waitresses were seven feet tall, blonde and wearing those traditional outfits. All of the arrogant assholes visiting from Illinois were enjoying seasonal jams and jellies that I had never heard of before, as I dug into my grilled cheese sandwich and begged for mercy.

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(Sadly, those pants had to be Photoshopped on.)

As much as I feel that scenery and 'being there in person' is overrated, I was quite taken by the beauty of water as far as the eye can see. It's like a more personal version of staring into space and realizing your fleeting insignificance in a random world. Also, there's pie.

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(Here, I sit in a comically small chair, and look humorously larger than I normally would.)

Julie's restaurant had amazing pasta and desserts, but halfway through our meal, a huge spider crawled onto the table and damn near gave the Missus an embolism. Minutes later, our waiter crashed into the table next to us, spilling water and food everywhere. Later, when we paid the check, the man working the counter couldn't wait to stop talking to us. It was an awesome place.

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(The view from the resort was exotic, in that there were a lot of foreign cars in the parking lot.)

The four of us stayed in a two-bedroom, two-bathroom suite, boasting a full kitchen loaded with accessories. Those accessories came in handy when we were ordering pizza and drinking cider with whiskey. There was a wall-hanging that really bothered Ben, so I pulled it off the wall and set it on top of the freezer.

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(My shirt does a fantastic job of obscuring the pee stain.)

I saw this baby at a local car show; the only time I've ever seen a Delorean in person. The owner of the car didn't want me taking a photo of myself next to it, so we simply waited until he turned away. Dude, there's like, 50 of these left on the planet! Don't be selfish!

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(I sometimes have dreams of running my own small shop in a tourist city. My dreams kind of suck.)

Without question, you mainly visit Door County for their endless array of knick-knack, specialty and candy shops. I took home a pound of fudge, 10 pounds of apples, two milk chocolate bars, some candy cigarettes I swore were off the market and a candle that smelled like pumpkin pie. If I wouldn't have been wearing my wedding ring, I would have been completely indistinguishable from every other gay guy there.

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(No less than 3 seconds later, I drowned. They then asked me to leave.)

At the hotel, I walked around the entire perimeter looking for an ice machine. For a half-hour, I shuffled around, holding an empty ice bucket, while drunks and newlyweds stared at me and skittered back into their rooms. Once I did get my ice, pretty much everyone in my room was fast asleep. I don't know when I started hanging around with infants incapable of staying awake past 10pm, but it's starting to annoy me.

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(The only way I was going to get out of this was if I attempted to blend in, and act like a smug prick.)

After the parade was over, about 5000 tourists scurried into downtown, as we walked against the grain to get back to our hotel. I pretended that they were zombies, which actually started to freak me out after a while. In the photo, you can see me lurching in a feeble attempt to blend in, so they didn't eat my brain with a side of boysenberry jam.

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(I didn't alter this picture. Sadly, Sherry suffers from a condition known as 'Blurry Face.')

Man, candy stores smell so great. I asked one of the employees, "Isn't this the best job in the world?" The teenage boy looked at me with the face of someone who was about one more scoop of taffy away from an all-out shooting spree, so I paid for my fudge and got the hell out of there.

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(We will race. I will win. Always. Probably. Maybe. Not really. Probably not. No. I will lose.)

Taking the MINI Cooper was a no-brainer. The Autumn weather, mixed with the winding roads and limited traffic was simply breathtaking. Also, we could park anywhere and looked like a novelty amongst all of the embarrassingly-large Expeditions and Tahoe's. A co-worker once asked me if I feel insecure about my masculinity when I drive the MINI. This person is an idiot.

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(By this point in the trip, I was begging people not to ask me any more questions about where I wanted to go.)

Ben and Sherry wanted to visit a place that sold nothing but Olive Oil. Thinking that it was some niche-place that only attracted a small group of people, I was slack-jawed to see the line for this place extending right out the door. It's just oil, people.

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(If you have a MySpace profile picture that looks like this, kill yourself.)

Skipping stones by Washington Island (the tippy-top of Wisconsin's 'thumb') was amazing. I began to fantasize about perhaps owning a Summer home there once I became a wealthy and self-employed author. I then thought about owning a Unicorn that cried quarters and blasted Bad Religion songs out of its ass.

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(We spent Saturday night in Door County doing the same thing we do on Saturday nights in Sun Prairie.)

The master bedroom in the resort had a whirlpool hot tub, which me and the Missus were lucky enough to stay in. While we didn't 'use' the hot tub like I had assumed we would, the Missus slipped in it during a shower and almost knocked herself unconscious. Close enough, I suppose.

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(Taking a picture of a hotel pool is a lot more legal when kids aren't around.)

Me and Ben played a set of tennis on Sunday morning, and my shoulder still hurts as of Wednesday morning. I won, however, which is the only thing that matters. On the sidelines, the Missus and Sherry tried not to notice how fat, old and out completely of shape we've both become. I appreciated their support and ignorance.

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(For those that haven't met me in person, this is a normal-sized pumpkin. Two 'CDP is small' jokes in one post!)

Me and Sherry drove to a local bar to pick up a pizza, where I was instantly reminded that no matter where you are in Wisconsin, you'll always run into people that could probably be friends with your dad. Having more or less been raised in bars ourselves, the two of us didn't stick around very long, instead opting to drink alone, like well-adjusted people do.

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(It's funny because I don't understand it. Rich Swedes eat things that I'm unaware of.)

At one of the coffee shops, I bought a little pin that says, "I like sammitches." There wasn't a scrap of irony in that purchase; I freaking love sammitches, and want everyone to know. Later, I bought a hot chocolate that a bee landed in. I'm considering paying someone to follow me around with a muted trombone to make the 'whaa-whaa' sound every time something like that happens.

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(I think it's pretty obvious how Ben snared someone like Sherry into a relationship. He got her drunk and pregnant.)

Let it be said that there's nothing more rewarding and special than traveling the world with your best friends. Even if I was a dick at times, and didn't really want to do anything. I still enjoyed myself; I'm picking the vacation next time, though.

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(Eating an apple, perched high atop Lake Michigan. This is 100% more Door County content than most normal Door County photos.)

So long, Door County. We'll be back, but not soon enough.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

I then thought about owning a Unicorn that cried quarters and blasted Bad Religion songs out of its ass.

Once again sir, you and I share a dream. With my quarters, I would spend my days playing my full-arcade-size "Discs of Tron" video game until the lam3r police came to get me. Then, they'd see the fury of my faithful, fierce, and fearless unicorn, AllieSheedy.
Well, I figured as long as I'm fantasizing, I might as well go hog-wild.

That reminds me, I was once asked to play the role of Anthony Michael Hall in our high school's production of The Breakfast Club. Can't imagine why; I only looked exactly like him. It was a sad time to be me.
It looked like brains, though. I was concerned for my health.

I forgot to mention that I PWN3D at mini-golf.
Looks much like the Gatlinburg, TN of the Midwest.
Only with less moonshine, I'd assume.

What in the hell happened to Tim Wakefield last night?
I suspect Blake's beard has mystical powers.
Clearly. That was like watching the gates of hell open up and destroy the living. Not even back-to-back-to-BACK home runs could save the Sox.

Again, I love the Indians, but...can anyone stop the Rockies right now? 22 of the last 23 games won? Seriously?
I second the magical beard notion.

Also, off-topic, but what is the 11/27/07 sidebar graphic for?
Dude, that oil is the shit! I put truffle oil on everything now.
JULIA- Yep, that oil does rule. People were drinking shots of it while waiting in line, and I'm not even kidding. Furthermore, this guy has the Wisconsin market cornered on selling nothing but oils. What an easy way to get rich.

JT- Beard Power is a trade secret in professional sports. Franco Harris knew it. Paul London knows it. Johnny Damon knew it.

11/27/07? I don't see no 11/27/07.

(starts laughing maniacally)

Muah-ha-haaaa! AHHHH-HAH-HAHH!!!
The CDP asked me in line "Why can't we start an oilery? What could be so hard?" I tried to explain to him that we don't have any olives or the resources to get any olives, but he just did understand.

This is why he's the idea man, and I'm the one who makes the ideas come to fruition.
*didn't understand
I still say it's easy money. Same thing with wine. I want a piece of that action.

This vacation also marked the 100th time I've picked up Wisconsin Death Trip at a bookstore, only to once again not purchase it.
You know, that book SOUNDS interesting, but it's nowhere near as interesting as a book about that subject matter should be.
And let us never forget that Chuck Norris INVENTED it.
Just when I thought it couldn't get any better than the DeLorean picture ... you guys get caught up in a zombie plague.

And here I only got pictures of a "bonnet de douche" while I was out of town this weekend.

I'd take a DeLorean over a hat of douche any day. But not any night.
Everyone should go check out Bruce's new essay, it's good stuff. Just make sure you come right back here afterwards, and no funny business.

That zombie plague looked pretty scary once we got immersed in it. Everyone was walking in the exact same direction except for my entourage, and I just kept murmuring 'brrraaaainnsss' and 'lingenberrrrryyy' to keep from being outed.

Luckily, nobody got shot in the head this time. We managed to hop in the DeLorean, get her up to 88mph and start the vacation all over again, before the undead took over.
Check Norris totally invented 'Beard Power.' In fact, his beard had its own star on the Walk Of Fame.

Just came up with that one. Pretty proud of myself right about now.
Just came up with that one. Pretty proud of myself right about now.

Which part? the Walk of Fame? or renaming him Check?
I literally lul'd out loud.


Check Norris is Chuck's older brother. He's better known by his other name, God.
Holy Moly! I didn'y know you were friends with Sawyer! ...Oh wait, that's Ben...

Really though, they have to be twins.

I also heavily roflolmfaoed about the Check thing.
Sawyer looks slightly better naked.

Um...I mean...uh...

Hey! Look over there!

In real life, Ben looks more like Kurt Cobain than Sawyer. The living version of Kurt Cobain...not the current version.
Absolutely. Jesus, too.
Is it safe to assume that Check Norris is a hockey fan? But on rainy days, he likes to sit next to a window and play chess? And he doesn't own a debit card, but instead pays by ...

Wow. Making cheesy references to the word check is too much fun.

Check ya later.
Zombies. Sammitches. And jams! Oh, my!
Damn walking dead, ruining my vacation...

I think it goes without saying what Check Norris' favorite breakfast cereal is.

Sawyer!? Kurt Cobain!? Jesus!?

Gimme Ben's home address!
No kidding. We're really putting him on a pedestal today.

On the other hand...

-Hopelessly addicted to heroin.
-Married to a murderous, talentless junkie.
-Destined for suicide.
-Killed at least two men.
-Has been conning women for 20 years.
-Indirectly responsible for wars, religious insanity and blind faith.

It's a noggin-scratcher. Who is this guy?

/I like Jesus, by the way. It's God that I have a problem with.
An army of the preppy undead would make my vacation all the more enjoyable...especially if they were decked out in their finest Abercrombie and Fitch (or whatever preppy douchebags wear these days, I dunno), since I'd revel in dispatching them in unique and humiliating ways. I giggled at the picture of you lurching because I was thinking I'd do the exact same thing in that situation.

You didn't mention if you had the *dubious* pleasure of consuming Lutefisk on your vacation??
For awhile, when you Google searched "Abercrombie Catalog," a photograph of me at Niagara Falls came up on the first page. I found this out through researching my site traffic, and it troubled me greatly. There I was, sammitched between naked guys for all the world to see.

In my rebellious punk days, I once threw an entire Orange Julius into an A&F display window.

As far as Lutefisk goes, me and all of my friends are vegetarian, so that was a no-go. It was mainly pastas, salads and veggie burgers for the majority of the weekend.
But your butt was showing in that pic of you at Niagara Falls, so that's probably why your picture was sandwiched between the nude A & F models.
My butt was so pale in that photo, it was typically mistaken for a Niagara Falls whitecap.
Ahhh, completely fabricated memories.
As far as Lutefisk goes, me and all of my friends are vegetarian

After what those people do to make it I don't think it qualifies as fish anymore. Kind of like SlimJims.
Or Spam.
Yes - it's like...imitation fish. Sort of like Krab, the imitation crab meat made from flaked compressed whitefish. Mmmm! So I guess asking if you had herring in sour cream or REAL Swedish meatballs would also be pointless. The fact that you don't engage in the carni side of omnivorous pursuits has been duly noted.
And pitching an Orange Julius at a storefront is such a blatant waste of a tasty beverage.
I was a punk. What can I say?

Nowadays, there ain't nuthin' gettin' between me and my Julius. Classic Orange, all the way.
imitation crab meat made from flaked compressed whitefish

MAUS- I used to sail on a factory processor out in the Bering Sea that made Surimi out of Pollock. I have some great video of the whole process. I have to buy a VHS to digital converter so I can do more with the vids I have.
You're right though. It is a whitefish that has been reduced to a protein base which can be flavored however they want.
Damn, there's a lot about this that I didn't know. I still can't eat it, though. :)

Tonight, me and Ben will be in costume, frightening small children at the 'Haunted Hallway,' being held at an elementary school in a neighboring city. I was asked by a co-worker to help out, and I'll be damned if I'm going to pass on the chance to terrify some kids.
Last night the CDP tried on his costume, and to get the full effect he insisted on going outside and tapping on the windows whilst wielding his chainsaw to give me, Ben and Sherry the full effect. It was actually very terrifying. He refused to get out of character, and I didn't really want to let him in the house.
You don't break character. You never break character.

I'll be taking photos tonight, by the by.
Too bad I couldn't be there to take pictures of the terrified children's faces.
I'll take care of it. I'll be the most dapper serial killer of the bunch.
Better than squirrel-killer,that's for sure.
The Missus is seriously pissed. These 2 douchebag Yahoo360 bloggers just came in at the last second and got about 150 votes in the Blogger's Choice Awards. I suspect foul play. So now the CDP is almost off of the front page!!! This is an outrage...a blog with an URL as stupid as they have does not deserve to have a higher vote count than, plain and simple. Think of the ease in typing--THE EASE IN TYPING! If you haven't voted yet, you really should consider going to and voting for TheCDP in the Best Blog About Stuff category. We cannot allow people with inferior URLs to push the CDP off of the first page.

(This has been a public service announcement from the Missus. Any opinions expressed by the Missus do not represent the ideas of the CDP or its affiliates.)
My expectations were greatly exceeded with the Bloggers Choice Awards. I don't plan on winning anything, but just placing in the Top 10 amongst almost 3000 of the best blogs in the world is fantastic to me.

Out of the Top 10 though, I'd argue that the CDP is better than at least 8 of them. Just saying is all.

As a general rule, if I am bombarded with spelling errors right off the bat, I'm leaving your page and never coming back. Inexcusable, embarrassing and not worthy of my time.
I think just having your blog hosted by Yahoo360 should make you inelligible for a Blogger's Choice Award. The thing is damn near impossible to navigate, and is riddled with advertisements. The blog should be the first thing you shouldn't have to click around to find it. Ridiculous with a capital R, I say.
Soooo THAT'S why I haven't seen any comments from you on my mess of a blog lately. And I thought all this time it was all of the angst and and inane, pointless content.
No way, Maus. I like the way your blog looks. Stripped-down, content-first and free of crap. That's how I likes it. I just haven't done a lot of commenting this week because I'm a shiftless jerk that doesn't care about the feelings of others.

Or, I've been busy. I don't know which is more of a factor.

My exposure through the Bloggers Choice Awards has done a lot as far as traffic and opportunities. I've been contacted by two different mobile blogging networks concerning joining them as a featured content contributer. The skeptic/punk in me is quite certain these companies are targeting ALL of the best-placing contestants in the contest, so I pretty much told them to go to hell.

I'm not just another Blog on a list that can generate revenue. Once you realize that, maybe we can work something out. I've worked too hard at establishing my own voice and product to bend over for some phone company with a checkbook and a stupid-sounding name. Suck it, d-bags.

Sorry about the rant. It's all true, though.
Hey, I didn't know that about the featured content contribution thing! Why no share with wife?
Because it was pretty much spam, as far as I was concerned. I didn't want to do it, so why bring it up? To me, that would be like telling you every time I got an e-mail from an online pharmacy trying to sell me a truckload of oxy. It just doesn't matter.

These kinds of things happen every once in a while, and I don't like to talk about them because they're stupid and a waste of my time.

Man...will this day ever end?
Man, that is a seriously big lake. It's a good thing they don't allow drowning because I could totally see myself drowning in such an insanely huge lake.
As much as I enjoyed the dark, 'Midwestern' style of humor that the 'No Drowning' sign presented, it'll probably have to be covered up once someone really does drown right next to it.

Some stupid kid will attempt to be rebellious and defy authority by purposely drowning, no less.

Actually.....that's pretty funny.
Maybe the sign is trying to tell you that this is a drowning-free lake. Perhaps it isn't POSSIBLE to drown in this lake. Hmmm...I see a lawsuit in someone's future.
I'm 95% positive that I went to and stayed at the EXACT SAME PLACES you went to(the realization didn't kick in until I saw that pic of the indoor pool) about 2 years ago.
Of course, I was being dragged around against my will while you were obviously enjoying yourself...
It's amazing how the things I used to have to be dragged to when I was younger become the things I now enjoy as an adult.

Heed my warning, young' day you, too, will enjoy soy candles and coasters with humorous sayings.
For the record, I still hate all of that crap, but I've accepted the compromise as a married man that's rapidy running out of friends.
For the record, the CDP purchased a candle AND a coaster in Door County.
...For my mom and grandma.

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