Wednesday, November 28

2 Days Until Doomsday.

2 Days Until Doomsday.

We're just 48 hours away from the worldwide release of 65 Poor Life Decisions, the debut book by yours truly. This is, without question, the biggest week in the 4-year history of the CDP, and I'm starting to get a little antsy.

Do 'joo feel it?

Do you feel it? Do you feel it!?

Anyways, I just wanted to take some time today to wrap up a few loose ends concerning the book. Consider this an additional FAQ to the major one I posted awhile back. I've tried very hard to make the book as easy as possible to order, and I wanted to quickly explain how you can get a copy to your doorstep before Christmas.

There are basically two ways to order. They are:

1. Through Starting November 30, I'll have a link to ordering my book straight from Lulu, the company that is printing my books. I've been through their process, and it's as easy as ordering anything online; just point, click and ship. It's secure, quick and painless. Cost is $15.95.

2. Through me, Ryan Zeinert. Just send $21 to:

PO Box 865
Sun Prairie, WI 53590

The $21 includes an autographed and personalized copy of the book, shipping to anywhere in the nation and FREE CDP MERCH with every order. I'll accept money orders and well-concealed cash (at your own risk), but no checks, please. It's a really good deal; I've done the math. Make sure you include a return address, e-mail address and a name to make the book out to, as well.

Also, remember that 'personalized copy' means that I basically get to treat your copy like a high school yearbook (if you want). It's going to be awesome, I can assure you. Also, please refrain from sending anything huge to my PO Box; it's far too small for shenanigans.

So, that takes care of that. Please direct any more ordering questions to the comments section or my e-mail address; Thanks.

Boom Goes The Stupid Book.

Moving on, we should probably talk about money here for a little bit. Everyone should know that this has been a completely DIY venture from the get-go. I have written, compiled, edited, designed, formatted, uploaded and self-published this book on my own. I paid for the ISBN number, and essentially created my own vanity publishing company to release it. Lulu is strictly handing the printing of the book, for which they are taking a heavy cut of the royalties. I have already poured hundreds of dollars into this venture, and I'm counting on book sales, word-of-mouth and hard work to make up that difference.

Self-publishing is an exciting investment in itself. On one hand, there's no contract, no promise of money or success, and a ton of busy work when you should be writing new funny stories. On the other hand, there's nobody to answer to, and nobody to blame but yourself when you fail. Notice that after all of the business plans, Excel spreadsheets, hard work and e-mails, however, there's no mention of getting rich. That's because it's impossible.

I haven't mentioned it too much, but 65 Poor Life Decisions will be available on, Barnes &, as well as any Barnes & Noble retailers that wish to carry copies. This sounds like a huge opportunity, and while it makes me excited to think that I'll see my book in stores this Christmas, I'd rather that nobody actually buy my book through these avenues. That's because for the luxury of getting global distribution of your self-published book, Amazon and Barnes & Noble take almost every penny of the royalties involved, leaving you with mere cents on the dollar.

If you went to the mall and bought my book at Barnes & Noble for $15.95, you know how much of that would go to me? 32 cents. That's it, maybe a little less after taxes.

When you buy through Lulu or, God bless you, directly through me, that number skyrockets to almost $4.25 a book. So, you can see why I'd rather you not buy from the tyrants of the literature world. It's better for me, and you know where your money is really going. This is why I set up the PO Box, direct mail order and personalization package. If we eliminate as much of the static as possible, the channels get clearer and better things happen. This page has gotten bigger every month thanks to that mindset, and I won't be changing it anytime soon. It works.

So, now that you know I'll be making around $4.25 a book, some quick math will remind you that I won't be quitting the office job as early as I would have hoped. In fact, my only financial goal with 65 Poor Life Decisions is to break slightly better than even and sell out of all remaining stock. That's it, friends. This book is about more than royalties; it's about establishing myself as an author. Sure, it's clear that I put a lot of money into making this a reality, but I'm of the assurance that it will work out for the very same reasons. I have no doubt in this.

Furthermore, when I have small armies of people handling each facet of my next major-label release, I'll remember to stay humble.

So, after people stop asking me about money (they refuse to believe that I don't want to make a ton of cash, but whatever), they start asking me about sales goals.

"How many books do you think you'll sell?"

I heard this about five different times over Thanksgiving, and I couldn't give a straight answer to anyone. As I said before, I want to sell enough books to break even financially, reach the people that should be reached and generate a little interest. Let's put it this way. I've already gotten pre-order requests for 15 books, and it absolutely floored me. The fact that people cannot wait to send me money for my book is humbling in an astonishing way. I felt like Ric Flair when he showed up on Monday Night Raw to a standing ovation, and with tears in his eyes, said "As usual, you are too kind."

The Nature Boy.


Two days. 48 hours. Sound off in the comments section, and enjoy your Wednesday.

(By the way, happy birthday, Mom. This book was meant to be my present to you and the Missus. Hey, it sure beats a personalized pencil cup or a good deed coupon book.)

NOTHING beats a good deed coupon book.
"Good for 1 slightly-early CDP essay."

I'm cashing that baby in right now!
I'm going to buy one (mainly because I don't have the time to write one myself).
Money Order, huh? That sounds like a new-fangled form of of weird future currency.
Well-concealed cash is accepted if you're feeling frisky. Or just do the Lulu route. Either way, I appreciate it.

Yeah, I'll be surprised if someone really does go through the trouble of sending me a money order. They're secure and all, but I think most people wouldn't go through the trouble. I sure know I wouldn't.
How are you suposed to order this money?

I'm getting all the perks of getting the book from you!(dammit)
From Wikipedia:

A money order is a payment order for a pre-specified amount of money. It is a more trusted method of payment than a personal check, because it is required that the funds be prepaid for the amount shown on it. Merchants may welcome the extra security of a pre-paid money order instead of a personal check, which can bounce.

A money order is purchased for the amount desired. In this way it is similar to a certified check. The main difference is that money orders are usually limited in maximum face value to some specified figure (for example, $1,000 for U.S. Postal money orders as of February 2007) while certified checks are not. Money orders typically consist of two portions: the negotiable check for remittance to if the person can relate to the matter made creditor, and a receipt that the customer retains for his/her records. The amount is printed by machine or checkwriter on both portions, and similar documentation, either as a third hard copy or in electronic form, is retained at the issuer and agent locations.

Money orders were originally issued by the US Postal Service as an alternative to sending cash through the postal system for those who did not have checking accounts. They were later offered by many more vendors than just the postal service as a means to pay bills and send money internationally where there were not reliable banking or postal systems.

In short, you can get them just about anywhere, you tell them how much you want on it, and presto.

Or, cash always works.
In other words, money orders are checks with less sproing.
Yup, and it keeps everything secure and less-deadbeat.
I'm sending you two rolls of quarters and a roll of dimes.

Keep the change you filthy animal.
The book is the best gift in the world (although, I love the camera you two got me). I am so proud of you. I always knew you could do it.

Mrs. Kressin, kiss my ass!
I honestly think you should mail her a copy of the book for Christmas with a card that says just that.
I am seriously considering it.
She's probably so old and riddled with dementia as this point that she can't even read. At least, I hope so.

I'm glad you like the gift. You're right, though, the camera was cooler and more expensive.

MOE - Ms. Pac-Man machine, here I come!
MOE - Ms. Pac-Man machine, here I come!

More like "egg salad in the vending machine, here I come!" haha.
Totally. Frighteningly enough, I've developed a taste for vending machine egg salad. I think it's that sense of danger that keeps me coming back; the idea that one of these times, I'm going to crap my pants in the break room.
I'm taking mine to the post office in a few hours, I think they pick up at noon.

Here's the thing. Instead of you sending me money, and me sending you money, how about I send you the difference in the money that I would have gotten for the shirt. The shirt is 10 dollars, plus 5 dollars in shipping.

It makes more sense, I must say. And if you spend the 32 cents you got from B&N on stamps, you'd already be in debt.
Sorry let me clarify.

I'm bringing mine... = I'm bringing my money...
Yeah, the Barnes & Noble/Amazon thing is a joke. You can't make a profit if you're selling a self-published book through them.

Cargirl, it really sucks that the $20 never made it to you. If it ever does pop up, just donate it to your favorite charity or something.

Okay, so that means you'll be sending me a t-shirt and $6, right? I can roll with that. It'll keep me from having to send out more money.
I shall do so then. Those rouge postal workers just hat me. I always have bad luck with them.

I also made you a fun gift that is very punk rock. You'll be impressed.
I keep trying to explain to the CDP that mailing anything to your address at "CGNM" is probably not going to make it to you. I highly doubt that anywhere in the postal service do they have record of your home being registered to "CGNM". It's really his own fault for stubborly refusing to address the envelope to your actual name.
Yeah, the Barnes & Noble/Amazon thing is a joke. You can't make a profit if you're selling a self-published book through them.

Not unless you elect to sell your 6x9 paperback for $30.
Aww, I'll totally be impressed. You're a sweetheart.

Are you at school right now?
The mix-tape got to her that way. I was just trying to be clever. I know better now. You're probably right, though.

I'll still get stuff to my PO Box if it's made out to 'theCDP.' though, right? I mean, it's a PO Box!
I really don't know. Perhaps you should go to the posty window and let them know that things will be coming to that address. Ask your mom on this one. She's the one who works at the post office.
The way I see it, PO Box 865 is the same, no matter who the envelope is made out to. Either way, I'll be going to the Post Office tonight to make sure everything is squared away. There shouldn't be anything in there yet, so I'll be in the clear.
The money order dosen't sound interesting enough. I'm going to smuggle your money within a box of Mike and Ikes
DeMarcus Nelson goes to Duke.
That's what I like to hear, Caveman. Well-concealed cash can be fun! Plus, I get Mike-n-Ikes!

Greeting cards, punk rock gifts, candy stuffed with cash...this PO Box was the best idea I've ever had.

MOE - I watched the first 10 minutes and that was it. Disgusting and embarrassing.
the idea that one of these times, I'm going to crap my pants in the break room.

It's better than kicking through the bathroom wall. Oh wait -- you've already did that. Silly me.

The thought of egg salad from a vending machine about makes me hurl.

tamaraz -- happy birthday! Thanks for your gift into the world's gene pool. And you're probably glad that Hathery is now in charge of him.
tamaraz -- happy birthday!

That's Tamazaz, to you :)
HOSS - That story is in the book!

I don't know why I decided to take a chance on vending machine egg salad, but I'm afraid to say that I'm hooked for life. Which won't be for too much longer if I keep this up.
Ha. You may want to invest in something more healthy. Did you know Burger Kind produces veggie burgers?

And no, I'm not in school today. I woke up late and asked my mother to call me in because I wanted to stay home and catch up on schoolwork (a.k.a., eat and play guitar hero).
I'm sure Burger Kind is very nice, but I meant to say Burger King.
The Burger King that I go to is anything but kind (lulz). Their veggie burgers do rule, though; they use Morningstar patties.

So, how is GHIII treating you? The wireless controller is incredible; I'm bounding all over my living room. If you ever come up to Madison, we'll have to duel to the death.

You should open up your Stickam for awhile so I have someone to chat with during my lunch.
The Burger Kind veggie burgers are anything but healthy the way the CDP eats them, though. "Just ladle on the mayo, please."
"No pickles, no tomatoes and a ton of mayo, please. Also, can you stuff a few mozzarella logs in there, too?"

Add a King-Sized fry and a chocolate shake, and I'm out the door.

That reminds me of a conversation me and the Missus had the other day. There's a Little Caesar's pizza opening in our neighborhood.

MISSUS - I wonder where it's going to be.

ME - I hope they put it where our health club is. At least, I'd go there more often, then.

My commenting has become so lazy. I've been packing in about four hours of guitar and drums a day recently, so I had to cut down on some other things *cough*homework*cough, internet included.

I'll be sure to order my copy through CDP, as I still owe you that box of Sugar Puffs you asked for about 2 months ago.

I just keep buying them and eating them! You can't blame me.

I'm more than happy to pay the extra over-seas postal charge, if you'll send me the book.

Amazon can suck it.
Carrot Duff, we've set the International shipping cost at $25 directly through me. We'll make it happen, and man, am I looking forward to the Sugar Puffs.
I bet. It takes true skill to eat unhealthily when eating vegetarian.

And GHIII is treating me amazing. I found out that in the world of GH, I am ambidextrous. I killed Story of My Life this morning, and it was amazing. I get so pissed off at it really easily.

Stickam = On.
Stickam = Awful.
Stickam w/Cargirl = Rad.

I'm about 3/4 of the way through Expert, and I'm mainly just working on my rock star moves at this point. Windmills, jumping off of the couch, scaring the cats, etc.
I'm sure Burger Kind is very nice, but I meant to say Burger King.

Top 5 German fast food chains:

Eins. Burger Kind
Zwei. VonDonalds
Drei. Vendys
Vier. Taco ALAAARM!
Funf. Dairy Kaiser
Top Five CDPeons:

1. BluStaCon
2. The Rest of Us
Taco ALAAARM! pwnz all.
Taco ALAAARM! pwnz all.

My friend Sherry used to work with some d-bags that referred to Taco Bell as "Teebs," and not in an ironic way, either. They really thought they were cool for coming up with that rubbish.

We, of course, adopted the saying and use it all the time, thus making cool one of the dumbest things I have ever heard.

"Teebs." Say it loud and proud.
I keep trying to explain to the CDP that mailing anything to your address at "CGNM" is probably not going to make it to you. I highly doubt that anywhere in the postal service do they have record of your home being registered to "CGNM". It's really his own fault for stubborly refusing to address the envelope to your actual name.

I don't know, I've had multiple packages show up addressed to "Spork Nation."
Yeah, didn't I send you something addressed to spork nation? I can't remember now.

Oh well, live and learn. I saw the t-shirt I'm getting, and it's pretty hot. Any additional press that I do for the book will be done in that shirt.
Eins. Burger Kind

Um, I'm not eating children.

I've just demonstrated that three college semesters of German weren't wasted.
I'm back, I was out enjoying my birthday. Thank you for the Happy Birthdays!

You really should let the Post Office know if there will be mail coming in any other names. When you filled out the P.O. Box application it asks what other names, businesses etc. will be getting mail in the box. If you don't let them know, you run the risk of having them return items as "Attempted Not Known."
Exactly. It depends on if the carrier is lax or not.
Just got back from the Post Office, it's all taken care of.
I've gotten mail addressed to BetheBoy, Will The Boy, and Jerkass so I think CGNM should be ok.
I'll be the one sending you a money order. My credit union makes it really easy to get them and I've got to stop by there tomorrow anyway.

I'm putting your (real) name in the "To:" section. Is this acceptable?

Taco ALAAARM! = funniest. thing. evar.
Yes, my real name is more than acceptable. I'm looking forward to finding out just how you cash a money order.

Thanks in advance; I appreciate it!
Don't cash the money order at the Post Office, because they make you spend 1/2 of it there.
TAMARAZ- Who doesn't want to spend tons of money on festive holiday mailing boxes and USPS tote bags?

CDP- I was at work today thinking about guitar hero, and I pictured you rocking out like a nerd in your house. I tried dancing today while I was playing, and it caused me to butcher Barracuda.
I remember the USPS store that was at the Mall of America. Imagine my surprise when it went out of business almost immediately.

As far as Guitar Hero goes, I might have to put an instructional video up for proper rocking.

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