Friday, March 16

Lost Friday - "Par Avion."

Lost Friday - Par Avion.
Season 3 - Episode 12: "Par Avion."

Another Lost Friday is upon us. We have much to discuss.

Well, things are starting to get back to normal at CDP Headquarters. I got my office back, I can drive my car without feeling terrified and my heating bill has dropped to under $200 a month. Starting today, I'm back to my daily workout regimen in preparation for the April 28 Crazylegs Classic in downtown Madison. soon thereafter, I will establish my very own CDP Fight Club, which will take place in my unfinished basement every third Friday of the month (bring towels, alcohol and music). Oh, and did I mention the NCAA Tournament?

Cherish these moments, man...cherish these moments.

Another week, another rock-solid episode of Lost. While this season seems to have less of an overall vision and psychological theme, I have been enjoying the sub-plots and mini-missions our castaways have been partaking in. This week was no different, as we appear to be setting up a storyline that should carry us right into Season 4.

You know, if it doesn't get canceled or something. Which could totally happen.

Enough pessimism! Bring on the Thin & Meager!

The Thin & Meager


Claire caused a car accident that put her mom in a long-term coma. For shame!

Christian Shepard is Claire's daddy. The man gets around.

Claire looks far better with black hair.


Charlie is trying very hard to sleep with Claire.

Claire wants to catch a tagged bird and attach a note to it. Charlie thinks this is stupid, because it is.

Desmond saves Charlie's life again, although they have to let Claire in on the secret, due to her constant whining.

Claire does not sleep with Charlie.


Locke steals some C4 from the Flame station and throws prisoner into giant microwave.

Prisoner explodes.

A-squad infiltrates the Hostile's camp. Find Jack playing football with Tom. Leave.

Done. Let's Break It Down!

Break It Down!

4 - Christian is Claire's dad. This makes Jack and Claire siblings. Fantastic.

I'll admit, it was a great angle for those who hadn't figured it out yet (I knew a year ago, losers!), but personally, I won't be satisfied until things get incestuous. Just one kiss, that's all I ask for somewhere down the line.

Please don't tell me that I was the only one thinking that would be a good storyline. It's sweeps, damn it!

8 - Locke is still acting like a bit of a bumbling fool. On the bright side, he's becoming more of a main character again, and we have no idea what he's up to. One of the best parts of Season 2 was trying to figure out just who's side Locke was on. Once again, we're left to question exactly what in the hell's going on in his head.

My guess is he just wants to blow something up, and maybe feed a few more guys into that giant reactor that microwaves people from the inside-out.

I can accept that.

15 - 'Olsen-twin lookalike' comments aside, Claire was looking downright saucy in the flashbacks. Dense eyes, pitch-black hair, a horrible attitude and crippling emotional problems; now that's my kind of girl. I was almost able to overlook how absolutely annoying of a character Claire is.

Almost. The Aussie accent is only hot if you're not whining all the damn time.

16 - It's good to know that the whole situation with Claire, Desmond and Charlie was worked out. In my personal opinion, I think Claire should sleep with Charlie at least once. If anything, just to shut him up and say thanks for the last 80 days of companionship. The guy's been working really hard here, Claire; you should at least acknowledge it.

Furthermore, watching Charlie in a sex scene would be the equivalent to seeing someone commit suicide on live television. It's going to haunt you forever, but you know you're gunna watch.

23 - How long has Sun been pregnant now? She was looking about as thin and purty as ever this week. Chalk it all up to the Island's magical powers, I guess.

Whatever the case, keep doing what you're doing, Magical Island. And maybe bring me some Cinnamon Twists from Taco Bell. Those things rule.

42 - When Lost finally reaches its ending, I'm going to publish a book with every single Lost Friday within. Will you buy it? I need to know before I start putting work into it.

The CDP is set for at least two book releases this year, and I wanted to see if there was a market for a third. Why? Because I like money and want to quit my job.

Please help me make this dream of money and not working come true.

Tiny Spoilers Ahoy! Here comes The Preview!

The Man From That One Place That's Hard To Spell.

4 - Episode 13 is titled "The Man From Tallahassee." It will be Locke-centric. Expect him to be flaunting that C4 around like he was Cock of the Walk (that made me laugh quite hard when I said it to myself).

8 - Yes, this is the episode where we FINALLY FIND OUT WHY LOCKE WAS PARALYZED. According to Terry O'Quinn; "I was afraid it'd be anticlimactic. It's not. It's pretty stunning. You're gonna go, 'Man, no wonder this guy wants to stay here!'"

I love Locke episodes, because not only is he the best character (and actor) on the entire damn show, but his flashbacks are some of the most heartbreaking and vast stories on TV. I'm telling you, John Locke is one of the most amazing characters in television history.

15 - The official episode description reads: "Ben tries to talk Locke out of his destructive plan by offering him some island secrets. Meanwhile, Kate's reunion with Jack does not go off as planned when she discovers he has made a deal with the Others."

Of course he made a deal with the Others! Wouldn't you? If I possessed some gift that they so desperately needed, I'd be strutting around that island like I was Cock of the Walk!

16 - Michael Emerson (Ben) sez: "There’s some role reversal that takes place there. Someone that’s used to being in power is dis-empowered and someone sort of takes charge in an interesting way."

Awesome! I was wondering when they were going to start getting into bondage on this show.

23 - Hey, the Others have a submarine!

Finally, they will address this theory that Internet nerds have been pining over for a year-and-a-half. Raise your cans of Mountain Dew and rejoice!

42 - You know what would bring more viewers back to this show? A little full-frontal nudity, about once every 4 episodes or so. It works for HBO, why not ABC? I'll nominate Sawyer to go first, because I believe in chivalry and the power of the age 18-29 female demographic.

Well, there you have it. Another Lost Friday submitted for worldwide viewing and enjoyment. If you like what you see here at the CDP, feel free to make a donation (the link is in the sidebar) or buy something at the CDP Webstore. Sound off in the comments section and send all erotic photography or hate mail to Once you're done with all of that, head on over to The Coconut Internet and say hello. They'll be glad you came.

Season 3 Preview
Season 3 - Episode 1 Review
Season 3 - Episode 2 Review
Season 3 - Episode 3 Review
Season 3 - Episode 4 Review
Season 3 - Episode 5 Review
Season 3 - Episode 6 Review
Season 3 - Episode 7 Review
Season 3 - Episode 8 Review
Season 3 - Episode 9 Review
Season 3 - Episode 10 Review
Season 3 - Episode 11 Review

(The funniest TV series you may have never seen.)

Thursday, March 15

Melinda Doolittle Watch - Volume 1.

Melinda Doolittle Watch - Volume 1.

100,000 people auditioned for American Idol this year.

There are now 11 singers left, and Melinda Doolittle is one of them.

Just thought you might want to know.

Lost Friday smacks you upside the head tomorrow. Bring a dish to pass.

Wednesday, March 14

CDP Wayback Machine - Grief Edition.

The 5 Stages Of Grief.
2006-2007: theCDP.

Monday, March 12

Adventures In Cyber Sex.

The following post is rated:
The following post is rated TV-14.
For sexual content and dialogue.


During a lunch break last week, I was playing pool on Pogo, as I'm sometimes known to do. On the rare occasions when I play against another human player, I refuse to chat with them in the sidebar, as I'm far too focused on winning the game and voiding myself of all human contact. I'm far too old to be 'chatting' with anyone, let alone someone who lacks all basic grammar skills and wants to beat me at pool. Both pride and dignity are on the line, here.

As luck would have it, this day was a little different. I was minding my own business, shooting pool against my silent robotic opponent, when it was suddenly replaced by a living, human being. The screen name was like, xXxSk8erBaBy996xXx, or something to that effect. I took limited notice and continued my game, as she started yapping to herself in the sidebar:

xXxSk8erBaBy996xXx: hay baby

Silently, I focused on my game. I knew she was trying to confuse and disorient me, thus giving her an advantage on the pool table. Little did she know, she was dealing with a skilled and unshakable veteran of the green felt. I wasn't going to be like all those other losers. Not today.

xXxSk8erBaBy996xXx: wanna cyber?

Just as I was focusing on nailing the 9 ball in the side pocket, my right eye slowly wandered over to the sidebar and noticed this little nugget of sinister information. Against my best judgment, I spoke up.

theCDP: No. I want to play pool.

xXxSk8erBaBy996xXx: RUgay?

theCDP: That's not important. I'm on lunch and want to play pool.

xXxSk8erBaBy996xXx: i wanna play 2 lol.

"That's it," I thought. "I'm outta here."

This particular game of pool was for all-important Ratings Points, however, so I didn't want to leave and get a loss put on my record (I already know that my priorities are messed up, so don't bother mentioning it). Instead, I remained calm and continued playing.

xXxSk8erBaBy996xXx: wat do u waant to do 2 me?

theCDP: I want to finish this game and eat a Pop Tart.

xXxSk8erBaBy996xXx: nooooooo

theCDP: Yeah, that's what I'm into these days. Pop Tarts are all the rage.

At this point, I knew that I was either being screwed with by a messed-up woman or a very messed-up man, so I just stayed coy and toughed it out. If you ever think that you're conversing with a beautiful woman who likes to talk dirty to strangers in Pogo chat rooms, you might want to seriously re-evaluate your life.

xXxSk8erBaBy996xXx: im horny

By this point, I was looking over my shoulder to make sure nobody was around. I've never felt dirtier playing a game of pool in my life, save for that one time at my Dad's bar, when I was playing against a drunk woman whose tube-top fell around her waist about three shots in. True to drunken form, she refused to remedy the situation until the game was over.

xXxSk8erBaBy996xXx: i said im horny.

theCDP: You know, I seriously doubt that.

xXxSk8erBaBy996xXx: oooooh i am baby

Shaking my head, it was now my objective to out this person for the fraud and impostor that they were. I really don't like being manipulated, especially considering that I've never met someone who was a better manipulator than myself. You just can't beat the master.

xXxSk8erBaBy996xXx: how old RU?

theCDP: How old are you?

xXxSk8erBaBy996xXx: 14

Instantly, ice water filled my veins. It was as if someone had dangled a gargantuan spider in front of my computer monitor that had TNT for legs and cocaine where its body should be. I shot my legs out and flew back in my chair, clicking on anything that even remotely resembled a red X. I've seen Dateline; I know what they do to horrible people like me in jail. I'd be passed around like currency, nicknamed 'Vasoline Dream' and fitted for a pink riding crop.

I was already imagining Chris Hansen showing up at my house that night, clutching the Chat Log and asking me just what I thought I was doing acting this way.

"I just wanted to play pool! Why, God? Why?"

I did nothing wrong, but I was still too sick to eat that Pop Tart. My afternoon was ruined.

Yahoo! - 1994
(This is what Yahoo! looked like in 1994, in case you weren't around for it.)


The main focus of this post was to tell the story I'm about to tell you now. What happened last week merely reminded me of this long-forgotten tale.

This must have happened, gosh, over 12 years ago. It was in an AOL chat room during the early days of the Consumer-Friendly Internet. It came during a time when I was at least willing to attempt to be a completely different person online. An alter-ego that wasn't afraid of women, didn't mind getting naughty and knew exactly what to say.

You know, an asshole.

I should interject here and state that I'm simply awful when it comes to Dirty Talk. I can't do it; I never have and I never will. There are just some words out there that make me blush and giggle like a schoolboy every time I hear them (titmouse, woodcock, titpecker), and it will probably always be that way. I wish I could sit here and tell you that I'm an absolute stud when it comes to each and every facet of gettin' it awn, but we both know that's just not true.

At the end of the day, the Missus doesn't need me to be shouting obscenities or whispering sweet nothings, because she usually likes to ball gag me, instead. I married her because she knows that I cannot play The Mating Game to save my sorry, dumb ass, and she's totally cool with it.

Sometimes, she even lets me stay up late and watch TV. With cookies!

Internet-wise, I'm not capable of typing something that I wouldn't be able to say out loud to someone. I'm a man of facts, not a man of fantasy, and slipping into a fake and dirty persona is almost impossible for me. Even in 1995, when I couldn't wait to be a different person than the loser I had become.

I guess that's how I was raised; stacked to the rafters with guilt and shame, pushing all lustful feelings into the pit of my stomach until I eventually went out and skinned some hooker alive.

But on this night, I was ready to dip my toes into the fast-evolving world of cyber sex. It wasn't long before I realized that I had no business being in the pool in the first place.

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: A/S/L?

theCDP: 18/M/CA, you?
(In reality, I was 13 and lived in Larsen; an unincorporated town in Wisconsin.)

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: 21F/MA

theCDP: Das' cool.
(Go Red Sox! I was feeling better already.)

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: Wat u do for a living?

theCDP: I'm a writer. You?
(Okay, the lies were coming easier now. I was in the zone!)

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: Stripper
(Beautiful! The role playing had begun, and I was poised at the ready. She was probably a 45 year old man, but I wasn't in the mood for reality at this point. Lie to me, baby!)

theCDP: Rad!

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: Did u jus say 'RAD?'
(I sometimes forgot that I was the only kid in the world who said 'rad' in 1995.)

theCDP: Sorry. I guess I'm an idiot.
(That was strike one. I really didn't want this super-hot fantasy stripper to ditch me, so I had to focus.)

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: um....ok

theCDP: you have implants?
(I wasn't going to waste any more time with 80's surfer talk and chit-chat; I went in for the kill. Besides, that's a tactful enough question to ask a stripper, right?)

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: nope, 38DD all natural.
(Now we're getting somewhere. I put in Green Day's 'Insomniac' album and shut off all of the lights.)

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: and I'm only 5'3"
(Um, okay. Even as a rookie in the cyber-sex game, I still think that she should have throttled back a bit. Either she was completely full of it, or she was 400 pounds, fantasy or not. I left it at that.)

theCDP: Wow.
(This was the sound of me officially running out of things to say. I honestly never thought the conversation would go this way. Furthermore, I was feeling ickier by the second.)

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: Yea, they like bowling balls, lol

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: Wanna go bowling?
(Oh, what a move! A metaphor! I get metaphors! Of course I want to go bowling!)

theCDP: Hells yeah!
(It took silencing every intelligent voice in my head to write that. Sometimes you have to write like a typical idiot if you want to be treated like a typical idiot. This was one of those times.)

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: So....wats your avg bowling score?
(What? Average bowling score? What was she referring to? Did I misunderstand? Were we actually talking about bowling now? Gosh, this cyber-sex stuff is hard! Not wanting to look like an idiot, I came up with the best answer I could think of.)

theCDP: Oh, about 280.
(That'll turn her on.)

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: Wow, u must like big girls!
(Oops, strike two. I silently nodded my head and began to wonder what I was doing here in the first place. How could it be that I was actually a far smoother talker in reality than in fantasy?)

theCDP: Sorry, I lost track of the metaphors.
(Stupid me, breaking character again. Why is this so difficult for me? Think man, think! You're a writer, damn it! Get literal!)

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: well, try and keep up or youre gunna miss out!

theCDP: Yes, ma'am.
(Even in a fantasy world, I was coming off like the biggest loser alive. Maybe there was just never any hope for a guy like me.)

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: Sooo....wat you wanna play?

theCDP: I don't know.
(I was getting depressed at this point, because I really didn't know. Scrabble and Jeopardy were my top two choices at this point, as there was no chance whatsoever I was going to make this work for me, despite all the effort in the world from my new stripper friend. I guess I was just a loser, and no amount of distance between me and the world was going to hide that.)

*SexyInsomniakGrrrl Has Signed Off.*

Take your fantasy and shove it.


Do people honestly chat anymore? I had no idea that these avenues still existed in such a massive quantity until I started watching the Dateline specials last year. I guess no matter what my ego may convince me of, trends don't simply disappear just because I've moved on from them (see: Punk Rock, Meat, Zubaz).

What was once a mecca and cornerstone of the Information Superhighway now resembles more of a graveyard than anything. Chat rooms now are full of young people who have just connected to the Internet for the first time, and older people that possess a 6-figure porn collection. In that regard, I guess it's just like the old days, only much creepier now that I'm older.

As far as I go, I never fully learned how to properly seduce a woman with my words. Sure, people tell me that I have a halfway sexy radio voice and I can make anyone laugh, but I just can't help but use these powers for good instead of evil. If I'm not allowed to be honest, I crash and burn, and everyone around me knows it. As far as I'm concerned, it's better for me this way.

When me and the Missus started dating, we spent a lot of time together chatting online. As our relationship and feelings for each other grew, so did the overall tone and mood of our conversations. This came naturally for me, as everything I was saying was the truth, and I knew what was waiting for me on the other end of the fiber-optic cable.

Perhaps my unwillingness to adapt to fantasy and suspension of disbelief is an illness, instead of an advanced evolutionary trait? Perhaps I shouldn't feel sorry for everyone able to turn off their conscious every once in awhile; perhaps they should feel sorry for me?

I don't know for sure, but I'll tell you this:

I'm never playing pool again.