Friday, March 30

Lost Friday - "Expose'."

Lost Friday - Expose'.
Season 3 - Episode 14: "Expose'."

Another Lost Friday is upon us. We have much to discuss, so calm right the hell down.

Man alive, people have been jumping all over this episode. The nerds are wetting their pants about continuity errors, the intellectuals are complaining about the over-the-top storyline, and everyone's complaining about the Tales From The Crypt-style 3rd Act. Furthermore, everyone walked away from this episode despising Nikki and Paulo far more than they already did. Man, is that even possible? Could I be using more italics in this paragraph?

I don't get it.

Seriously, this episode was brilliant. You should be applauding the writers that created it. Getting down on your chubby knees, wiping the powdered sugar off of your collective maws and kissing the bronze feet of Edward Kitsis and Adam Horowitz.

Bless you, Lost.


You got a very innovative flashback/flash-forward storytelling style, the return of Shannon and (bisexual) Boone (I'll explain later), new footage masterfully mixed in with Pilot footage, a spot-on satire of Soap Operas, a pre-explosion Dr. Arzt, giant poisonous spiders, Billy Dee Freaking Williams, a fat guy playing ping-pong, and arguably two of the most brutal deaths I've ever seen on mainstream television.


"Why didn't Paulo tell anyone about the Beechcraft and the Pearl station? Why didn't he tell anyone about the walkie-talkie? Why didn't he tell anyone about the conversation he overheard between Ben and Juliet?"

Well, because he's a stone-cold idiot, that's why. And a real douchebag to boot. You already knew that these two people were complete and utter knob-nozzles, so what made you think that this episode would change your mind? After weeks of wishing that these two auxiliary players would just shut up and die already, your wishes were granted in the most grandiose of fashions. I mean, Sawyer buried this chick alive, bent over her her tomb and said "Thanks for nothing," while she slowly suffocated under two feet of sand.

If that's not bad ass, I really don't know what is.

Wow, it's the Crypt Keeper!

"Greetings, Boils and Ghouls! Tonight's terrifying tale of traumatic torture is about two lovers who fight over some die-monds and bury the hatchet.... Alive, that is! BLAH-HAHAHAHA!!!"

Wow...sorry about that, everyone. Here's the Thick & Meaty!

Thick And Meaty.


Because Nikki is completely void of decent acting skills (both the character and the woman who plays her), she naturally gets a job working on a Soap Opera. This is supposedly her 'big break,' and she's shooting her scene in Sydney.

A few boobs and a mess of gunshots later, we find out that Nikki has developed an ongoing relationship with Howard, the producer of the show. As a side note, if you're an aspiring actress (or confused actor) attempting to sleep your way to the top, please realize that a Soap Opera is about as close to the 'top' as shooting an Arby's commercial in Thailand. You might want to consider setting that bar a twitch higher next time.

But fear not! Nikki has a plan. It involves poisoning her Aaron Spelling-like Sugar Daddy, swiping his 8 million dollar diamond stash and making off with his personal chef, Paulo. This goes about as well as you would hope, and they eventually wind up on Oceanic 815.


Shortly after the plane crashes, we are once again treated to the single most annoying scene in Lost history, Shannon screaming at the top of her lungs for absolutely no reason. How this shot has managed to work its way into no less than 10 episodes is anyone's guess.

Instantly, Nikki and Paulo start looking for their bag with the diamonds in it. Thinking they will be rescued at any moment, they realize that they have to find the bag fairly quickly. Ethan Rom shows up, proudly sporting a Wisconsin sweatshirt, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that he's 100% NOT EVIL.

"Hey, I'm not an Other," he says. "Need anyone killed?"

With the help of Dr. Explodiepants, Nikki and Paulo head out in search of their missing bag. They instead stumble upon the Beechcraft and Pearl Station, marking the first of about a hundred billion things that they should have told someone about, but didn't.

Eventually, Paulo finds the bag at the bottom of the waterfall. He tells Nikki that he didn't find it, however; opting to temporarily hide the Matryoshka doll in his butthole.

Paulo (understandably) gets sick of this after awhile, so he heads down into the Pearl to hide the diamonds. While he's busy stuffing them into the toilet tank, Ben and Juliet show up and engage in one of the worst batches of dialogue I've ever seen. It served no relevance to the story, other than to make it look like Paulo was around for some of the more important Island moments. They eventually leave and Paulo swipes their walkie-talkie, which he never once uses or even mentions to anybody.


A few days later, Locke leads an expedition back to the Pearl Station, which Nikki and Paulo tag along to. Paulo grabs the diamonds again, keeping alive the theory that every time someone goes into a bathroom, they're doing something evil. Eventually, Nikki figures out that Paulo has the diamonds and looks to shoot him (seems understandable). Sawyer refuses to give her a gun without a 7-day waiting period. She grabs a spider instead.

Here it comes, so pay attention:

Nikki brings Paulo into the jungle and confronts him about having the diamonds. He feigns ignorance but she shows him the nicotine gum, proving he has found their bags. She takes out one of Dr Arzt's specimen jars, opens it, and flings a Medusa spider at Paulo. It lands on his neck and bites him. He kills it, and it's remains stuck to his hand. She tells him that it's called the Medusa spider because it paralyzes the victim for around 8 hours and slows the heart. Paulo collapses and can't move. Nikki calmly begins to search him for the diamonds, at first guessing that they are hidden in his shoe. She takes off his shoe and throws it into a tree. She opens his pants and finds the pouch in his underwear. Paulo tells her he took the diamonds because he was afraid of losing her if she found the diamonds and didn't need him anymore. Nikki is distracted as many Medusa spiders, attracted by the scent of the smashed female spider, march towards the pair. Nikki is bitten by one and she runs away. Nikki runs through the jungle, stops suddenly and digs a hole, burying the diamonds, then continues running. On the beach, Sawyer and Hurley are playing ping-pong when Nikki staggers towards them and collapses, mumbling "paralyzed."


The only thing you need to know here is that Nikki and Paulo were accidentally buried alive by Sawyer and Hurley; unaware that they were the victims of a paralyzing spider bite. Rawk!

Just think of it as like Romeo and Juliet, only with people that we couldn't care less about.

So... more like the re-make of Romeo and Juliet.

WHY BOONE IS GAY (or at least bi-sexual):

The writers and producers of this show kept hinting and claiming that one of the characters would be outed this week, and they kept their end of the bargain, regardless of if they were just screwing with us.

In the airport scene with Shannon and Boone, Shannon remarks that they're late for the flight because Boone kept 'flirting with random guys.' Ta-Dah!

Yeah, it's pretty weak. But it is funny and the producers deserve extra points for getting people all fired up for a throwaway joke. Bravo, that was awesome.

Speaking of awesome, here are 5 Awesome Things!

5 Awesome Things...

This week's topic is: 5 Awesome Things... Better Than Bulletproof Breasts.

Early on in the episode, we were treated to this ridiculous and downright trashy excerpt of dialogue between Nikki and Howard. I'm paraphrasing, but it went something like this:

Old Guy: "You know, we could write your character back onto the show."
Whore: "I was shot six times."
Old Guy: "We could say you were wearing a bulletproof vest."
(Whore opens her robe to reveal nothing but a skimpy top)
Old Guy: "...Or bulletproof breasts."

That got me to thinking. While that might be a useful superpower every now and again, there must be better ones out there. Here now, my findings.

1 - Waterproof Weiner.

2 - Shockproof Scrotum.

3 - Retractable Rectum.

4 - Nothing.

5 - Purple Nurpleproof Nurples.

Enough Mommy and Daddy talk. Let's Break It Down!

Break It Down!

4 - I'll admit that I had some serious doubts about this episode for about the first half-hour. Once I saw how wonderfully they interwove the old and new footage, along with the stereotypical Soap Opera ending (a great call-back reference and a fitting climax), I made the distinction that this was one of the more original and clever episodes of Lost I've seen in awhile.

Sure, the scene with Juliet and Ben was unnecessarily tacked-on, and served no purpose other than to place Paulo 'in the moment' with some vital (and unshared) information. The dialogue was clunky and essentially made Ben and Juliet, two fantastic actors, look a bit weak. Other than that, however, I geeked out at the conclusion just the same.

Tell me you geeked out. Tell me. Come on, you know how I like it.

8 - I like how every time they came back from a flashback, they showed a close-up of one of the two corpses. They really wanted to pound home the idea that these two people were very much dead and not at all paralyzed by a rare poisonous spider.

Wait, what?

Man, from reading some of these plot outlines, you'd get the impression that Lost is the most scattershot and unbelievably ridiculous show on television. How they manage to tie it together without coming off like absolute nutbags and hacks is beyond me.

15 - Best line of the night? "Who the hell is Nikki?"

This was said by Sawyer just seconds after it was said by 6 million viewers of the show. I love how the writers acknowledged that Nikki and Paulo were never properly introduced, nor were they the least bit important during their brief tenure in front of the camera.

16 - Paulo had about 5 lines of dialogue this week, and nearly every single one of them was unintelligible. Who taught this guy to speak English, Ricardo Montalban?

I just LOVE incredibly recent television nostalgia.
("Ricardo Montalban?")

23 - The first 15 minutes were about as predictable as you can get. I called the Soap Opera thing about 5 seconds in, and the Old Producer double-cross about a minute later. I did, however, like the Pulp Fiction-esque handling of the diamonds until the 3rd act. For awhile I was operating under the assumption that there was a monkey's paw stuffed in that velvet bag. Or Marcellus Wallace's soul.

Best movie ever.

42 - As the episode was winding down, and we all became informed that Nikki and Paulo were, in fact, being buried alive, I was standing in my living room, shouting "Smash cut! Smash cut!" at the screen. I was so worried that Nikki would spring back to life before they had the chance to bury her, I just wanted the episode to end as quickly as possible. If the episode ended, I thought, then they were truly dead and not coming back to my television next week.

As it were, I'd only accept seeing them again if they were zombies. Now that would be cool.

Cover your ears! Divert your vision from my sexiness! Here comes The Preview!

The Preview - Just for you, baby.

4 - Episode 15 will be titled "Left Behind." It will be Kate-centric. Expect tank-tops and greasiness aplenty.

8 - The official press release from ABC reads: "After discovering that one of her own has betrayed her to 'The Others,' Kate is left to fend for herself in the jungle with Juliet. Meanwhile, Hurley warns Sawyer to change his selfish ways and make amends with his fellow survivors or he may face a vote of banishment."

Come on, please stop softening Sawyer's character. We already know he's a halfway decent guy, just let him have his nicknames, beer and porn. It's all most bearded guys will ever ask for.

15 - Expect to see more cat-and-mouse action between Kate and the Marshall in the flashbacks. I honestly don't know what else there is to talk about in Kate's past, but I guess we'll have to see. We won't be heading back to the Locke/Anthony storyline for 4 more weeks, so I fully expect this episode to hang around the house and chew scenery. Like Matthew Fox.

16 - I don't know if you've seen the previews or not, but Juliet and Kate appear to be handcuffed together in the jungle, banished from the camp for one reason or another. This leads to an argument, which leads to the mother of all Castaway Catfights. If you're a Juliet or Kate fan, you just may want to DVR this for future viewings.

Just sayin'.

23 - Remember Cassidy? The girl who had Sawyer's baby (Clementine)? Well, she'll be appearing in this episode for some reason. Keep an eye out for her, as it may raise some type of Kate-Sawyer off-island connection.

Or, maybe they'll just throw her on there to be cutesy and appear clever. They do that sometimes.

42 - Wrestlemania 23 is this Sunday. Yes, I will be watching it, and yes, it costs $50.

No, I'm not a loser.

Well, maybe I am. Chicks dig me, though.

No. No they don't.

Well, there you go. Another Lost Friday in the books. Start the discussion in the comments section, or send all private and erotic e-mail to If you feel like supporting the CDP in any way, you can buy some quality merch at the CDP Webstore, or simply make a PayPal donation (the link is in the sidebar). Once you're done polishing my ego like a Buffalo Nickel, head on over to The Coconut Internet and say hello. They'll be glad you did.

As always, here are links to every Lost Friday this season. They smell like pine and always tip over 30%. Have a good weekend, kids.

Season 3 Preview
Season 3 - Episode 1 Review
Season 3 - Episode 2 Review
Season 3 - Episode 3 Review
Season 3 - Episode 4 Review
Season 3 - Episode 5 Review
Season 3 - Episode 6 Review
Season 3 - Episode 7 Review
Season 3 - Episode 8 Review
Season 3 - Episode 9 Review
Season 3 - Episode 10 Review
Season 3 - Episode 11 Review
Season 3 - Episode 12 Review
Season 3 - Episode 13 Review

Wednesday, March 28

The Gift That Keeps On Giving.


(The following is a brief e-mail exchange between the Missus and myself at work this morning. If you were ever wondering how we interact as a couple, this should give you a decent understanding. It has been left unedited; the Missus' comments are in green.)


I think I'm going to stop at the PNS after work and grab a few items since I have no lunch items left. Do you need anything? I don't want to go full-out grocery shopping b/c we still have quite a few things left, but let me know if you need something things.

Love, Wife

Sliced cheese (any Deli Select kind, if possible)
Mayo (REAL mayo)
Hamburger buns
That should keep me in business for another week.

Thanks, babe!



What do you think about taking off the day after Easter? Since we're going home and it's a Sunday, maybe it would be nice to have the next day off? Lemme know what you think.


Done and done. I'm off.



I have to check and make sure it's okay, but it should be.








Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

Monday, March 26

Seven Minutes In Heaven.

The CDP Is Far More Emo Than You.

1. "Hey, What's With The Title Of This Post?"

Beats me. In my teen years, I never had the opportunity to partake in a game of 'Seven Minutes In Heaven.' In fact, I would have to say that I never played a game that directly resulted in some sort of sexual activity for me. Spin The Bottle and Strip Poker aside, of course, but that really doesn't count. Those add up to nothing more than a foul tip in the Baseball game of Life.

When I was 14, I was invited by an 18-year-old to play her in a game of Strip Darts. I really liked this girl, and knew damn well that I was never going to get this kind of a chance again, but chickened out at the last minute. There I was, in her basement with what seemed to be the break of a lifetime, only to turn it down just like any typical 14 year old boy would eventually do. Just a brief scanning of the CDP Archives will remind you that the entire decade of the 90's was just a series of older women screwing with my head.

Back in Middle School, I was so terrified of the increasing realities of sex that I attempted to avoid them at all costs. My insecurities in myself were at a fever pitch, as were the insecurities of most every boy in the 7th grade, really. Around that time, I vaguely remember being playfully locked in a basement with my then-girlfriend during a party; the raving mob urging us on to make out or something. Instead of taking it like a champ, I responded by busting the door off at the hinges. Her dad showed up, got mad, and everyone had to leave.


I have no idea what prompted me to talk about this, but I thought it was interesting to mention. I'm sitting in the dark right now, listening to Asobi Seksu (beautiful and super-dreamy pop from NYC), and I guess I'm just feeling somberly reminiscent. Let's bust out of this funk, shall we? All of these stories are for another place and another time; preferably when I have enough ambition to start producing short films.

2. "Hey, What Did You Do This Weekend?"

On Friday, I had some friends over for a spirited Guitar Hero and Mario Kart competition. Beforehand, they had seen Zach Galifianakis perform downtown, which was fantastic, from what they had shared with me. They left at midnight, opting to walk home in the beautiful moonlight and fog. Spring has finally arrived to southeast Wisconsin, and we're plenty grateful.

The funny thing about Wisconsinites is that, at some point in late winter, we become completely defiant of the temperature and season. After being jerked around one too many times by Mother Nature, we collectively throw our winter coats into the backseat, and proclaim the start of spring. Sure, it may be just as cold as it was in January, but we get to the point where we just have to believe what we tell ourselves, so we don't chop our family up in the attic. It's a collective statewide temper tantrum, and I'm usually the first one to fall on my back and kick wildly into the air.

I also checked out 300 and Dead Silence. 300 was worth my time, and I got everything I expected out of it. Dead Silence was a wasted opportunity, and resembled an average episode of Tales From The Crypt at best. I wanted to be scared; it didn't even come close to happening.

I spent the rest of my time watching the most boring NCAA tournament ever, and contemplating the purchase of an 80GB Video iPod. It's going to become a reality next week, regardless of if I can afford it or not. As a somewhat-grown man, I'm allowed to make a completely unreasonable decision at an approximate rate of 2 per year. This is one of those occasions.

On Dateline NBC, Chris Hansen is leaving the child predators alone for a few weeks, in favor of tracking down proprietors of Nigerian e-mail scams. Dateline NBC, or the United States government for that matter, cannot legally arrest these people, but there's nothing that says they can't humiliate them on national television. It's good TV that's attempting to compete with American Idol, so check it out tomorrow if you get the chance.

3. "Hey, What Are You Listening To Right Now?"

Here are the last 10 albums I've listened to:

1. Mew - 'Frengers'
2. Asobi Seksu - 'Citrus'
3. Communique - 'Walk Into The Light'
4. Atari Teenage Riot - 'Burn, Berlin, Burn'
5. Arcade Fire - 'Neon Bible'
6. Bayside - 'Sirens & Condolences'
7. Death From Above 1979 - 'You're A Woman, I'm A Machine'
8. Cursive - 'The Ugly Organ'
9. Smashing Pumpkins - 'Rotten Apples'
10. Modest Mouse - 'We Were Dead Before The Ship Even Sank'

I cannot tell you how cool it is to see Johnny Marr in Modest Mouse. It should also be mentioned that 'Brianstorm,' the new track by the Arctic Monkeys, is absolutely tremendous; you can view the equally fantastic video HERE. Morrissey is coming to Milwaukee in May, and I will be in the front row, pushing women and children aside for the chance to snag one of his many silk shirts.

4. "Hey, What Are You Reading Right Now?"

Mick Foley - The Hardcore Diaries
Davy Rothbart - Found! (Volumes 1 & 2)
Russ Kick - The Disinformation Book Of Lists

5. "Hey, What's Up With This Hugo Cup Thing?"

We'll talk about this on Lost Friday.

6. "Hey, You Look Really Hot In That Picture! Did you know that?"

Yeah, I did. Thanks for bringing it up, however.

7. "Hey, I Love Your Page. Can I Interview You Or Something?"

Believe it or not, I've had this request show up in my inbox recently. If you want to interview or contact me in any way for your own blog, send an e-mail to I've actually been contemplating this idea myself, as there are a few influential bloggers out there that I really would like to chat with. I think it would be a neat idea for bloggers to cross over ideas and popularity, and in tune, give their readers something else to enjoy. For example, if I could snag an interview with Mr. Pork Tornado, that would not only be a neat post to read, it would also send lots of his loyal readers to my page, and vice versa. Everyone wins.

Okay kids, I'm done for today. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your Monday.