Friday, April 6

Lost Friday - "Left Behind."

Lost Friday - Left Behind.
Season 3 - Episode 15: "Left Behind."

Another Lost Friday is upon us. We have much to discuss.

Well, not really.

Kate-centric episodes, to me, are like winning ten cents in the lottery. On one hand, it's better than nothing, but on the other hand, it sometimes makes you want to slit your wrists in the tub. Kate's story, as always, was wafer-thin, so the writers had to throw in a humorous side-plot with Saywer and Hurley, as well as a muddy catfight to snag the 18-24 male demographic. Did it work? I honestly don't care.

I would like to know, however, why Juliet's shoulder has been dislocated 4 different times. She either likes running into walls at full speed, or Ben just flat-out likes to beat women. Either way, I'm waiting patiently for that flashback episode. Maybe Ike Turner can make a cameo.

This island is one big salad, and I'm digging in!
("Dude, this island is just one big salad, and I'm diggin' in!")

Look, I stood up for Lost last week, with the whole Nikki and Paulo fiasco. And while this week had some important questions raised (most of which should be answered next week, hopefully), I was left feeling apathetic and used. Sort of like whenever Sanjaya survives another week of American Idol. Simon Cowell claims that he'll quit the show if Sanjaya wins, but I'll do him one better. If Sanjaya wins American Idol, I'll kill Simon Cowell.

Okay, let's put this turd under the microscope, with an ALL-NEW Lost Friday feature, The 10 Haiku Recap!

10 Haiku Recap.


Kate and Cassidy
Act like Thelma and Louise,
Minus good acting.

Cassidy helps Kate
Accost her dumbass Mother.
"Just selling bibles."

Cassidy's pregnant
With a darling Clementine.
Yes, a real orange.

Give me it, it's mine!
(Much like a 4-year old, Kate throws a tantrum when she doesn't get her sandwich.)


Sawyer's the leader
While Jack & Locke are away.
Beer and porn for all!

Hurley cons Sawyer
Into being a nice guy.
"Get in my belly!"

While hunting for boar,
Desmond has the coolest beard
In Lost history.

Things were going so well...
("Whoops, I think I just paralyzed myself again.")


Locke joins the Others.
Ripping off The Prisoner,
Kate and Jack get gassed.

Smoke Monster is pissed.
Kate and Juliet catfight.
Vat of Boar feces.

Jack, Kate & Sayid
Are going back to the beach
With Juliet, too!

Meanwhile, Locke is
Shoving wire hangers up
Anthony's rectum.

That came with a prize.
(Please, for your own good, don't eat the chili.)

No, I won't be doing that every week. I just don't feel like busting out an exhaustive recap for an episode that didn't reciprocate or deserve the attention.

I'll tell you, there are very few things more awesome than a good Haiku. Let's give it a try, though.

5 Awesome Things...

This week's topic is 5 AWESOME THINGS...That are better than a Haiku.

1 - John Madden Football '92 for the Sega Genesis.

2 - When a local news reporter gets attacked/gored by a gorilla/bull.

3 - Baptizing a newborn in the Stanley Cup.

I think I can peg him from here...
(Just for the hell of it, Desmond takes a shot at Charlie.)

4 - Dreaming that you pooped your pants, only to wake up and find that you actually just peed them, instead.

5 - A poem (about haikus).

Don't dispute my list. I've done at least 15 seconds of exhaustive research. Now, let's BREAK IT DOWN!

Break It Down!

4 - So, the Others have the Giant Face-Melting Microwave Fence up in order to protect themselves from Smokie. Good for them, I bet it's a real Godsend over the holidays.

Furthermore, what was Smokie doing when it was looming over Kate and Juliet? If I were to venture a guess, I'd say that it was 'profiling' or 'scanning' them. Perhaps for 'ticks' or 'mites.'

(Kate, after the mud bath in Jack's hut...)

8 - There was a HUGE continuity error towards the end of the episode concerning Kate. When she had her final conversation with Jack, she hadn't a speck of dirt on her face from the previous sloshing around in the mud with Juliet. However, when she came out of Jack's place, she was once again filthy with the stuff.

And after.
(Kate, after leaving Jack's hut. Whaaaa?)

Did they not think we'd catch that error? Lost fans? The most nitpicky and astute people in the world? A collective nerd hoard so vast that the very universe could implode get the point.

Lazy editing, is what I say.

Maybe Jack nailed her with a sack of Miracle-Gro or something before we saw her again. It's possible, I suppose.

Don't breathe ever again.
("Please stop telling me how Ben was in the bedroom.")

15 - Locke's had a big day. He blew up the submarine, Anthony Cooper has materialized on the island, he seemingly got his ass beat, and got brainwashed to boot. Not bad for a guy that had 15 seconds of screen time this week. In fact, Ben was the only main cast member to not be featured this week. It's been a long time since we've seen so many people in the same episode.

Rose? Bernard? You still out there?


16 - Kate's mom is an absolute idiot. Nothing further here.

23 - I wonder where Juliet learned those bad-ass fighting moves. Mittelos Bioscience? I think not.

A poor man's Thelma and Louise.
("The last two living people to sleep with Sawyer.)

42 - I like how every time Sawyer looked at Sun, she shot back a glare that said, "I can have you killed any time I want." Must be nice to have that kind of power at your fingertips. That must be how Dakota Fanning feels every day.

Cover your ears! Divert your vision! Here comes THE PREVIEW!

One Of Us.

4 - Episode 16 is titled "One Of Us." It is Juliet-centric. Expect pouty lips and vague, awkward sexiness abound.

8 - The official press release from ABC reads: "Jack's joyous reunion is cut short when his fellow survivors realize that an Other is accompanying him; a mysterious illness strickens Claire."

15 - Judging by the previews, this episode will pick up right where the last Juliet episode left off. We'll see her arrival to the island, and pretty much what she's been up to for the last 3 years. It will be very Other-centric and answer a lot of questions concerning their duties and mission.

(Much like chickens, Juliet can actually drown during a thunderstorm.)

16 - Ethan Rom, everyone's favorite creepball, will once again be around for this episode. Can't wait; I hope he's wearing that Wisconsin sweatshirt again.

23 - Something's going to happen with Charlie this week. He's not going to die, but he's going to wish he was.

42 - When Lost finally wraps up and ends their run on television, I sincerely hope that some nerd somewhere decides to edit all of the footage in chronological order. I think that would be absolutely amazing to see.

Just sayin' is all.

Crap, I thought it was over.
("Okay, I'm awake. Did this show get cancelled yet?")

Well, there you have it. A semi-awesome Lost Friday for a semi-awesome episode of Lost. As always, start the conversation in the comments section and send all erotic photography to You can always donate cash to the CDP via Paypal (the link is in the sidebar), or you can just buy some sweet swag at The CDP Webstore. Once you're done assisting me in warding off suicide for another day, head on over to The Coconut Internet and say hello.

Here are links to every Lost Friday so far this season. Enjoy your Easter, losers.

Season 3 Preview
Season 3 - Episode 1 Review
Season 3 - Episode 2 Review
Season 3 - Episode 3 Review
Season 3 - Episode 4 Review
Season 3 - Episode 5 Review
Season 3 - Episode 6 Review
Season 3 - Episode 7 Review
Season 3 - Episode 8 Review
Season 3 - Episode 9 Review
Season 3 - Episode 10 Review
Season 3 - Episode 11 Review
Season 3 - Episode 12 Review
Season 3 - Episode 13 Review
Season 3 - Episode 14 Review

Thursday, April 5

No More Questions.

No More Questions.

Dane 101, the collective blog for Dane County and Madison, recently interviewed me for a segment titled "Meeting The Neighbors." I consider it a fantastic experience and I appreciate the exposure greatly.

Special thanks goes out to CDP Network Alumni, Kenny Frank. She hooked this interview up, and she'll get a FREE autographed 8x10 glossy the next time I see her.


Wednesday, April 4

Your Karma Ran Over My Legma.

You're On Notice!


On a classic episode of Seinfeld, Jerry begins to realize that he is 'Even Steven.' No matter what positive and negative actions seem to take place in his life, he always finds a way to break even. Throughout the episode, his friends begin to resent his apparently wonderful relationship with the Gods of Karma and Fate, while Jerry becomes more and more relaxed and confident in the outcomes of things.

The problem with breaking even, however, is that you never get anywhere. And I am living proof.

When it comes to money, I've been breaking even for most of my life. No matter what positive monetary force comes along, an equal and opposite one is right around the corner, stinking of compost and aluminum cans, waiting to shove me right back into the unshakable funk of what has become by everyday existence.

It never fails. If I get a raise at work, my student loan interest rates will go up. If my Mom sends me $100 as a gift, my electric bill will be that much more expensive for the month. If I want to buy a new microwave, my vacuum cleaner will start on fire. There's nothing, absolutely nothing I can to do get even the slightest bit ahead in the financial department.

The only time fate has ever worked in my favor to let me break even was the last time me and the Missus went to a casino. I managed to lose over $300 in a half-hour, yet the Missus won exactly that much cash an hour later. As it turned out, I didn't know how to play poker as well as I thought I did. Don't get me wrong, me and the Missus are doing okay; it just seems that we could be doing so much better if fate wasn't such a greedy and backstabbing jerkass.

Nowhere does this come into focus more than when I get my extra paycheck.

I've mentioned this before, but I get paid once every two weeks. This equals about 26 paychecks a year, which means that there are two months out of every year where I receive three paychecks instead of two. For those of you who manage their checkbook and monthly bills like I do, you'll know that the bonus paycheck is a truly wonderful time of the year. You handle all of your typical monthly expenses and bills with your first two checks, and the third one is purely extra income. To me, it represents an extra grand or so that I can spend on whatever I want. Strippers, blow, smack, crank, rock, ice; the whole kit-n-caboodle.

Problem is, I've never had the chance to enjoy the full benefits of the bonus paycheck. Not once in the last 3 years have I been able to actually spend that extra money on whatever I wanted.


Because twice a year, every year, my car breaks down. Can you guess when?

If you ever see me on a weekday morning, riding shotgun to work with my wife, it's pretty safe to assume that I recently came into some extra cash, and was being punished severely for it. I am simply not allowed extra money beyond what I need to survive and eat sub sandwiches.

This month was supposed to be my month. This was going to be the first time that I actually shook fate off of my back and did something special for myself. All of my bills were paid, there were no outstanding expenses, and all of my responsible planning was paying off in spades.

My reward? An 80GB Video iPod. Something I have been waiting to purchase for over a year. For weeks now, I've been meticulously uploading each and every one of my 2000 CDs into iTunes for the upcoming migration. It's been tedious and annoying as hell, but I knew it would all be worth it in the end. Before I knew it, I'd have my entire musical library at my fingertips, allowing me to listen to absolutely anything I want, at any time, anywhere.

On top of that, I was fortunate enough to have an AUX input in the front of my Aiwa stereo, allowing me to listen to my iPod in the car without having to use that dumbass FM Transmitter that costs $65 and doesn't work for crap. I simply bought a $5 connector cable and hit the ground running.

Truly, luck was on my side for this one. Today was my day.

What I didn't know was that fate had something extra special planned for me.

Like, say...death.


Yesterday morning, I pulled out of my garage and headed for work in the pouring rain. With my current 1GB Shuffle by my side, I plugged it into the AUX input and got just a small taste of what was waiting for me once I upgraded to the 80GB. The tank was full of gas, I was wearing Khakis and eating a Pop Tart; life was good.

I merged onto the highway, turned on my lights and hit the windshield wipers. The rain was coming down hard now, and I didn't want some sort of nasty compound fracture to ruin my day.

"Man," I thought to myself, "the wipers sure are going slow."

I cranked the wipers to a more vigorous setting, only to have them work even more slowly than before. My head cocked to the side as my view of the busy 4-lane highway started to slowly disappear in the downpour.

"This can't be right," I said to myself. Then all hell started to break loose.

First, my stereo started flickering, eventually turning off after a few seconds. The wipers stopped wiping completely, and my headlights dimmed and flickered off a couple seconds later. The 'Check Battery' light popped up on my dash (no kidding?), and it was followed by just about every other light on the console. Within 10 seconds, I had gone from a carefree and content man to the pilot of an invisible car, careening along a dark and busy highway at 80 miles per hour, in a blinding thunderstorm with no wipers. I could see absolutely nothing, and I was pretty sure that nobody could see me. For all intents and purposes, I thought I was about to be abducted by aliens.

Or be horribly killed in a wreck. Whatever happened first.

"Damn it!" I said out loud. "Damn that extra paycheck! I knew you'd come back to finish the job!" I shook my fist to the sky, as horns beeped and cars swerved.

I exited the highway as soon as I could see anything that even remotely resembled an exit. A few illegal U-turns and profanity-laced prayers later, and I had my wife on the cell phone:

"Hey, are you still at home?"

"Yeah, but I'm just leaving. What's wrong?"

"My alternator died on me in the middle of the highway. My lights are out and my wipers don't work. I'm going to try to make it home, and I guess you're going to have to drive me to work. I have a really important meeting today, and I can't miss it."

"Okay, be careful... third paycheck, huh?"

"Yup. Love you."

"Love you, too."



The Missus left work early, so she could pick me up and drag my car to the repair shop before they closed. One alternator, air filter, transmission fluid flush and oil change later, and the bill came out to $347.

The total cost of an 80GB iPod? $349.

Once again, I broke even. The Curse of the Third Paycheck had struck again.

Well, I get another bonus check in November, maybe I can buy something nice then.

Monday, April 2

I Don't Have Any Black Friends.

The First Week Of Spring.

This is unacceptable.

I went to school with black folks. I went to college with black folks. I work 40 hours a week with black folks. Yet, despite all of this, I've never been part of what I would consider a 'friend' relationship with someone of African-American ethnicity.

Sure, I have black acquaintances. I have black chums. I'm even on 'knuckle-bump' status with a couple. I mean, my wife has black friends, why can't I? What am I doing wrong?

I have Latino friends. I have Scandinavian friends. I have Jewish friends, along with almost every other major organized religion. I have friends that come from each and every corner of Asia. I have gay friends, I have lesbian friends and I have friends that aren't even legally supposed to be here. Why in the hell is it so hard for me to corral a black guy, just one black guy, into watching a basketball game and having a beer or two afterwards?

If you or someone you know is black, and wants to be my friend, drop a line in the comments section or send an e-mail to I look forward to hearing from you.