Friday, April 13



I want to personally thank everyone for coming out to the first CDP Live Video Chat. And although I think I pretty much killed my mystique and lost a few fans, I consider it a huge success. I consider your attendance a favor to me, and I appreciate it.

Will we do it again next month? What do you think?

Thanks again, though. It was a good time.

Lost Friday - "One Of Us."

Lost Friday - One Of Us.
Season 3 - Episode 16: "One Of Us."

Yet another Lost Friday is upon us. We have much to discuss.

For starters (or N00BZ, if you will), this marks the first half of today's CDP Double Feature, which will culminate in the first-ever CDP Live Video Chat, taking place TONIGHT at 9pm Central time. Please, I'm begging you to come back to the CDP at 9pm Central time tonight and join the chat. I'll be here, readers from around the nation will be here, and it just wouldn't be the same without you. I bought a cake; you can watch me eat it from your house. Isn't that cool?

Everyone knows that funny writers are just as funny, if not funnier, in a real-life setting, right? Everyone knows that they're really not as reclusive and riddled with Social Anxiety as they appear, right? Everyone knows that writers are the life of any party, right?


Seriously though, be here tonight at 9pm Central time, or I will shoot myself in the facehole with a gun.

Kurt Vonnegut - Hero.

Moving on, today's Lost Friday is dedicated to Kurt Vonnegut, who passed away on Wednesday evening. Apart from being the greatest American writer in modern history, he will forever be responsible for giving me the mantra that has guided me through my professional life. If I may:

"The worst thing that could possibly happen to anybody would be to not be used for anything by anybody. Thank you for using me, even though I didn't want to be used by anybody."

And who can forget this hilarious and fitting gem?:

"I am, incidentally, Honorary President of the American Humanist Association, having succeeded the late, great science fiction writer Isaac Asimov in that totally functionless capacity. We had a memorial service for Isaac a few years back, and I spoke and said at one point, "Isaac is up in heaven now." It was the funniest thing I could have said to an audience of humanists. I rolled them in the aisles. It was several minutes before order could be restored. And if I should ever die, God forbid, I hope you will say, "Kurt is up in heaven now." That's my favorite joke."

Thanks for everything, Kurt; the world has lost an absolute treasure. For the last few years, I was actually starting to become convinced that he would never die; never allow it to happen to himself. I hope that everything was beautiful and that nothing hurt. I shed a tear for you; so it goes.

We were treated this Wednesday to one of the most frustrating and altogether psychologically damaging episodes ever, which is saying a whole lot concerning Lost. We thought we were going to get answers; we didn't. We thought we were going to get some plot development; we didn't. We thought we trusted Juliet; we were wrong. There was no torture, no Locke, and a disappointing whopper of a last-second swerve.

Heading into the 6-episode Season Finale stretch, we got absolutely suckerpunched in the knob with "One Of Us." We liked it, though, and begged for another just like it, as we licked our own blood off of our collective chins.

Please, my Dark Mistress, delight me with the eternal pleasure and pain that is The 10 Haiku Recap. The code word is 'mittens,' but don't plan on me using it.

10 Haiku Recap.


Claire is very sick.
It might have something to do
With all the screaming.

I guess that women
Can't give birth on the island.
That's my kind of place.

Juliet cures Claire
After 30 full seconds
Of pointless tension.

Jack trusts Juliet.
But let it also be known
That he's a dumbass.

Locke's with the Others,
Making Anthony Cooper
His Island Mistress.


Juliet joins the
Worst group of doctors ever.
Drink the orange juice!

Ben is becoming
A big, fat whiny baby.
Someone should deck him.

In a sexy scene,
Juliet is with Goodwin.
Goodwin is Teh HAWT.

Mikhail has contact
With most of the outside world.
Well....not anymore.

Juliet and Ben
Made a deal with each other.

I'd do a full-on recap, but I have a lot of Live Chat stuff to work on. Besides, Haikus are awesome. Hey, speaking of awesome...

5 Awesome Things...

5 AWESOME THINGS...About Living On A Completely Remote Island.

1 - Casual Fridays.

2 - At any given time, there's a good chance you might see someone get hit with a coconut.

3 - No mention of Paris Hilton.

Oh wait... she's here. And she's still a vapid whore. Damn.

4 - Plenty of delicious sand to go around.

5 - Free parking.

I'd kill for free parking where I live. In fact, I have killed a time or two. But hey, this isn't Vehicular Manslaughter Friday, is it? Let's Break It Down!

Break It Down!

4 - So, Juliet was evil all along. Shocking, I tells you, shocking! First, CM Punk turns bad on ECW, and now this? I have no idea who to trust any more. I'm going to bed.

It would appear as if Ben made yet another deal with Juliet in exchange for her participation in some wrong-doings. After all the crap he's done to her over the past three years, this must be one hell of a deal. Maybe they got Monty Hall to materialize on the island or something. Maybe Juliet got brainwashed. Maybe the writers didn't think they'd last this long on ABC. Beats me.

8 - The Others can't have nice things, because the castaways keep blowing everything up! Swan Hatch? Exploded. Mikhail's communication center? Vaporized. The submarine? Delorted with extreme prejudice.

Listen castaways, if you ever want to get off of the island, you're going to have to stop blowing up all the things that could help you. Maybe this show is like Gilligan's Island after all...

15 - So... the Others implanted Claire with a device that would trigger a sickness as soon as Juliet showed up, causing her to save the day and win the trust of the castaways, when all along it was just a ploy from the Others to have her infiltrate the beach and fulfill their evil task of Island domination.

Let me know how the rest of the season goes, guys. I don't think I want to watch this crap any more. The cool part about Lost was how all the important questions had logical and interesting answers to them. The foresight that the Others are demonstrating is downright unbelievable, and insulting to my borderline-alcoholic intelligence.

16 - On the bright side, it finally happened for me. And when I say 'it,' I'm referring to the switch that flipped on in my brain, causing me to find Juliet devastatingly attractive. I think it's the hair/eye combo in the flashbacks that did it for me. She's a genuinely good-looking woman, and going totally bat-crap insane just makes me want her more.

I'm officially on the J-Train.

23 - Was Juliet cheating on Ben with Goodwin? Just a thought. I know that Ben and Juliet have 'history,' but maybe this was one of the things that caused their big falling 'oot. Maybe not, however, because I'm still of the opinion that Ben is more queer* than Clay Aiken at a Barbara Streisand Drag Show.

(*Proud Liberal and supporter of equal rights. Save the e-mails.)

42 - Man... I can't believe they blew up the communications center. I knew that there was going to be a point in time when we stopped looking at the Castaways as the 'Good Guys,' especially considering their sordid pasts. But geez, these people are really starting to piss me off. When Sawyer and Sayid are your voices of concern and intelligence, you know that something really got wonky at one point.

It's also strange to know that if I were on the island with these people, I'd probably have the least-sordid past. My flashback episode would consist of playing a lot of Scrabble and yelling at TV sets for 25 years.

Cover your eyes! Divert your vision! Spoiler-phobic nerds should leave the room! It's time for The Preview!

Episode 17 - Catch-22.

4 - Episode 17 will be titled "Catch-22." It is Desmond-centric. Expect amazing clairvoyance and an even more amazing beard to run rampant around the island.

8 - The official press release from ABC reads: "Desmond coaxes Charlie, Hurley and Jin on a trek across the jungle after experiencing one of his future-prophesizing "flashes," but is he purposely placing Charlie’s life in harm’s way? Meanwhile, Kate turns to an unwitting Sawyer after seeing Jack alone with Juliet."

Kate + Sawyer = More secks? Only time (and slumping ratings) will tell.

15 - Damon Lindelof sez: "I think the Desmond-Penny love story is really central to the whole overall mythology of the show. Desmond sort of leveled Charlie with this very sort of specific proclamation at the end of the episode, that Charlie is going to die. And coming down all the way through the end of season three, that becomes a very major storyline that we're following, which is, Desmond keeps seeing Charlie die and can he stop it? Is he powerless to stop it?"

So yeah, expect to see more developments in the Penny-Desmond angle. Do NOT expect to see any developments in, you know, anything else that matters. My theory is that Juliet was sent over to kill Charlie in retaliation for killing Ethan. I've been wrong before, though.

16 - The writer of this episode sez: "We will explore what's going on with Penny and Desmond. You know what we started in the finale of season two? We'll continue to explore that. Plus, there's another big revelation on that front coming up pretty soon."

Thanks, Captain Obvious. No wonder these episodes are always so vague. They're written by people who have no idea how to craft a teaser when they need one. Maybe some WWE writers should jump ship to the Lost crew. At the very least, we'd get to see someone get hit with a steel chair every now and again.

23 - there's a big underground network on the island. It's where all of the Others went, and it's where we'll be headed next week. That is all.

42 - Did you know that the CDP Live Video Chat is tonight at 9pm Central Time?

Well, there you have it, another Lost Friday in the books. Don't stray too far, however, because the 1st ever CDP Live Video Chat will be starting at 9pm Central Time TONIGHT. Get your fat-free popcorn and cans of Diet Rite ready, because you're really going to want to spend your Friday evening with me.

And ladies, which one of you hasn't already wished that you could? Am I right? Buh? Zuh?

As always, start the discussion in the comments section, and send all hate mail and erotic photography to If you're going to be one of the cool ones chatting with me this evening, we can talk more about Lost then. Sometime this weekend, make sure to drop into The Coconut Internet and say hello. They'll treat you real nice-like.

Here are links to every Lost Friday so far this season. Cherish them like a new Lance Bass album. See you tonight!

Season 3 Preview
Season 3 - Episode 1 Review
Season 3 - Episode 2 Review
Season 3 - Episode 3 Review
Season 3 - Episode 4 Review
Season 3 - Episode 5 Review
Season 3 - Episode 6 Review
Season 3 - Episode 7 Review
Season 3 - Episode 8 Review
Season 3 - Episode 9 Review
Season 3 - Episode 10 Review
Season 3 - Episode 11 Review
Season 3 - Episode 12 Review
Season 3 - Episode 13 Review
Season 3 - Episode 14 Review
Season 3 - Episode 15 Review


Wednesday, April 11

Is Can It Be Chat Tiem Now Plz?

Wow, A Promotional Poster And Everything!

Well, the very first CDP Live Video Chat is just two days away. If you still aren't on board for this, click the above banner to find out everything you need to join in on an unprecedented event in CDP history. It's as simple as showing up here on Friday night. Seriously. Besides, you already do that for Lost Friday, right?

To simplify, this Friday night from 9-11pm Central time (after Lost Friday), I'll be broadcasting live from CDP Headquarters: answering questions, spinning phat tracks and getting flamed by dozens of lurking hecklers. You don't need a webcam to participate. It'll be an open chat room with my audio/video feed included. Simple.

I've never done anything like this before, and for a reclusive writer to break the fourth wall and invite everyone into his office, it's been taking a psychological toll on yours truly. Specifically because I have only 15 minutes planned so far for this 2 hour show. I guess I'll have to take my clothes off really slowly for that last hour and a half. Or maybe expand the third drum solo to a hard 18 minutes.

Attack Of The CDP!

In Amazing Free Publicity News, the CDP was briefly shown on the G4TV series Attack Of The Show! Ironically enough, they were talking about the very same live video chat that's going down here Friday. I watch AOTS! about once or twice a month, so to tune in and see my face staring back at me, it was a pleasant and awkward surprise to say the least. Hey, if it's good enough for Olivia Munn, it had damn well better be good enough for you.

Before I leave today, here are 5 points of interest from my Easter weekend:

1. Evan, the Official Spokesbaby of the CDP, pretty much rules. He's better than your baby; I'm absolutely sure of it. He only cries like, half of the day.

2. On Monday, I spent $90 on a jacket/shirt combo because the cute girl behind the counter told me that I looked good in them. This is the definition of stupidity.

3. A friend of my mom lives in a haunted house. After a few calls were made, me and my friends are now allowed to enter said haunted house with a ton of video and audio equipment. I'll keep you posted on our findings.

4. Another friend of my mom was put into a coma after a brutal drunk-driving accident. After dreaming that he had been forgotten by friends and family, he awoke and instantly gave up drinking and smoking. I guess he's a born-again Christian or something. Good for him.

5. Cadbury Cream Eggs make my pants tingle a little.

As far as the Live Chat goes, please RSVP in the comments section. I need to know how much cheese to slice. Thanks.


Monday, April 9

This Ain't No Dress Rehearsal.

The CDP Live Video Chat!
The very first CDP Live Video Chat. Join me and dozens more for 2 FULL HOURS of LIVE CDP action. I'll be live and on camera to answer questions, mingle with the commoners and entertain. Music will be played, punch will be served, hearts will be broken.

Friday, April 13th at 9pm Central time (7pm Pacific, 10pm Eastern). Mark it down, make a note; whatever allows you to remember this date and time. Seriously, you're not going to want to miss this. If I'm all alone in this thing, I'm more than certainly going to kill myself.

You and everyone that you can snag. I'll be heavily promoting the Live Chat all week, so tell a friend and get ready. The more, the merrier; it's a chance to bring together CDP readers around the globe to essentially make fun of me and eavesdrop on my life.

Because you have nothing better to do on a Friday night. Also, it's Friday the 13th! How cool is that? Oh, and there's a good chance I'll be getting naked at some point. A very good chance.

The CDP's Stickam Chat Room. It's absolutely free and simple, and you can enter my Video Chat Room with just two clicks of your mouse. I'll explain everything below.

Hopefully, I'll cover any questions that you might have here:

Q- "How do I get in?"

A- Simple. This is absolutely free and takes about two mouse clicks. You don't need to register or sign up for anything, and you don't need a webcam to participate (if you do have a cam, however, I suggest looking into Stickam beforehand so you can join me on video; it'll be that much cooler).

On the day of the live chat, I'll put up a nice, big link to my Stickam Chat Room. Clicking on that link will take you to my Stickam profile page, where you'll be able to get an 'outside' view of what's going on in the Live Video Chat. From there, just click on the video image of myself in the corner, enter your chat name and you'll instantly join the video chat.

Once in the chat room, it'll function just like any other chat room on the planet, only you'll have a nice Live Video feed of me at CDP Headquarters. In addition to chatting with everyone via text, turn up your sound for a Live Audio feed from CDP Headquarters, too. I'll be playing music, ranting, and making an overall fool of myself. It should be a good time.

Any questions or concerns? Leave a comment and I'll be there for you.