Friday, April 20

Lost Friday - "Catch-22."

Lost Friday - Catch 22.
Season 3 - Episode 17: "Catch-22."

Another Lost Friday is upon us. We have much to discuss.

If I may, I wanted to start this week's show off on an important note. I'm going to get serious for a moment, so just bear with me for a quick second and I'll get back to the poop jokes before you know it.

You know, when you wish for something to happen for so long, you sometimes lose track of the overall goal, and just end up living to wish. The desired outcome disappears from your head, and all you remember is that you're waiting for something special to happen. And if you're lucky enough to have your wish come true, you may find yourself not knowing how to feel about it afterwards.

This is exactly how I felt when I saw Sanjaya leave American Idol on Wednesday night.

See You In Hell...From Heaven.

I was not one of the party crashers. I never thought this was funny; I never thought this was cute. I never once thought that it would be a good idea to potentially ruin the careers of truly talented individuals in the name of a cheap publicity stunt. Sure, this kind of rapscallion chaos sounds like it's right in my wheelhouse, but this act wore thin pretty damn quick for me. For over 3 months now, nothing would have put a sweeter taste in mouth than watching this joke of a man wet his pants on stage and slice his wrists from stem to stern with the keys to his new Ford Focus.

"It's not his fault!" my wife would remind me. "It's not his fault he's still on! He doesn't know he's terrible!"


So there I was, staring at my TV screen, watching Sanjaya and Lakisha stand next to each other in the Bottom 2. I was shaking my head in disbelief, as I knew for sure that Lakisha- a beautiful woman and an amazing vocalist- was about to be sent home in favor of some vapid, brittle, immature fruit.

I put my hands to my temples and waited for the bad news. The headache was already fast approaching.

Seconds later, after what had to be the biggest round of applause for a kicked-off contestant ever, it was over. Sanjaya would never bother me with his tired routine again, and I could look forward to the smooth vocal stylings of Miss Sexual Chocolate for at least 1 more week.

With American Idol setting the stage, I was hoping that Lost would carry on the Good News for the evening. Sure, we had some pointless sex, a gratuitous shot of an arrow piercing Charlie's neck like, 30 times, and even some ping-pong for good measure.

So...did it deliver?

Set down your bongs (4/20, duuuude!), sit up straight and let's get down to business, courtesy of The 10 Haiku Recap!

10 Haiku Recap!


Desmond is a Monk
That likes to get drunk on wine.
That sounds about right.

Desmond stood up Ruth,
Who he had dated for years.
Because Jesus rules!

Desmond meets Penny
After losing his Monk job.
Refuses to shave.

Getting drunk on wine
To me, is about as fun
As puking all night.


After a vision,
Desmond thinks Penny will show.
Chuck eats an arrow.

Nothing gets more sex
Than a Phil Collins mix tape.
'In the air tonight.'

Desmond changed his plan;
Deciding to save Charlie
Was a bad idea.

Helicopter crash?
They knew where the island was,
After the hatch blew.

Sawyer questions Kate
About why she slept with him.

A new castaway
Made her way to the island.
...That's just what we need.

You know, this episode may have been a little hit-and-miss, but it contained at least one thing that's inarguably awesome.

Of course, I'm referring to Desmond's beard.

5 Awesome Things.....

5 Awesome Things.....About Desmond's Beard.

1 - It keeps away all moisture from his face, as it secretes nothing but Thompson's Water Seal.

2 - It beat Hurley in a game of ping-pong.

3 - Desmond's Beard was actually the first choice to play the lead role in 300.

This Is Madness!

4 - When he last shaved, Oceanic 815 crashed. The Beard claims it was just 'proving a point.'

5 - It got Sun pregnant. From the island. When she was still in Korea.

Wow.....that is pretty awesome, even for that fly, funky-fresh Beard.

Woah! Stand back! Catch myself! It's time to Break It Down!

Break It Down!

4 - If I would have known Kate in high school, I would have called her...well, I can't really repeat what I would have called her then, but let's just say that it rhymes with "Mock Please." I mean, she had her chance with Jack, then chose Sawyer, but wants Jack again because she's jealous!

Make up your Goddamn mind! How old are you, 12? Next thing you know, she'll get Hurley to pass Jack a 'Check Yes Or No' note during 3rd period Study Hall.

Look Kate, you're probably the best looking single woman on the island, so if you want to sleep with someone, just ask them nicely and they'll probably say yes. Lay off of this pity crap and get down to bid-nis! Sweeps is just around the corner, and nobody likes a whiner. Besides, Claire already has that market sewn up.

8 - Desmond's flashback? Pointless. For the first season and a half, the flashbacks served as a way to tie the past and present together into a nice package, while creating character development and establishing an episodic theme. At this point, all that's left is the theme, and it's wearing pretty thin.

Desmond as a monk? Great! What else you got?

15 - At the end of Season 2, Penny's hired researchers claimed that they found the island. Apparently, they did, because one of them just fell out of the sky on Wednesday. Even though I don't know how much depth our new character will have (or how long she'll survive), at least it drives the point home that Penny is looking for Desmond, and doing a pretty good job of it.

Oh, and Penny's dad? Totally in charge of the island. He put Desmond here specifically so he would leave his daughter alone. Bank on it.

16 - I hate to go back to the sex thing again, but something has been really bothering me ever since Ana Lucia and Sawyer first hooked up. It's basically the complete lack of any basic safe sex procedures. You see any DHARMA prophylactics in anyone's wallet? Any DHARMA-Brand RU-486 lying around? Nope. You'd think that Sawyer would have make a joke about it at some point if it existed, right?

Forget the smoke monster. If people keep sleeping with Sawyer, it's gunna be the Clap that eventually drives everyone to their doom.

And to all those kids out there that are starting to develop more emotional relationships with their significant others.....always remember to wrap it up, every time.

The CDP Cares!

23 - Every mixtape should contain the following 5 songs, regardless of theme or mood:

a) In The Aeroplane Over The Sea by Neutral Milk Hotel
b) Holiday by Weezer
c) Sweet Talkin' Woman by Electric Light Orchestra
d) A Life Less Ordinary by Ash
e) Lonely Stranger by Mediocre At Best*

If that doesn't help you in the relationship department, then you probably need a new relationship. Or a new shirt; whatever's easier and more cost-effective.

(*The entire Mediocre At Best album is now available on iTunes. It was recorded when I was 17 years old, so don't laugh.)

42 - Yeah, I got nothing. You should hang out with me in Stickam more.

Divert your eyes! Cover your ears! Nerds should take nerdier shelter! Here comes The Preview!

Tinker Cat Pwns You.

4 - Episode 18 will be titled "D.O.C." It will be Jin & Sun-centric. Expect funny faces and repeated shots of people examining Sun's not-at-all-pregnant tummy abound. The episode title refers to "Date Of Conception," which will probably happen when Jin's out of town.

8 - The official press release from ABC reads: "After discovering that all of the Others' pregnant women died before giving birth on the island, an extremely reticent Sun allows Juliet to examine her, and uncovers the identity of the unborn child's father. Meanwhile, Desmond allows an unlikely nemesis to help save the life of a new, mysterious island inhabitant."

Yeah, Sun's going to find out who the baby daddy is. My guess is that Jin will be left in the dark for awhile.

15 - Edward Kitsis and Adam Horowitz say: "We will find out that Sun has a secret feat that she is hiding from Jin, and that will not only be voiced, but answered. During the flashback, you will get a taste of them as newlyweds and kind of see where he was before he started to be Mr. Paik's head henchmen."

My guess is that the big reveal for this week will be the father of Sun's child. Nothing too much to see here, as we start to get into ratcheting up the tension for the Season Finale.

16 - With just 4 episodes left this season, I would hope to get some sort of huge reveal concerning Mr. Paik's association with the island, but that's probably too much to ask for. My best guess is that we'll get some filler, little leeway with the 'New Arrival' storyline, and the Baby Daddy resolution. Nothing much, but hey, it's a Jin & Sun episode. What more do you want?

23 - The BIG news is that Episode 19 (the one after this one) will mark the first time in Lost history that there will be NO FLASHBACKS in the episode. That's right, Episode 19 will feature nobody and flash back to nothing. You heard it here....second.

42 - Yeah, I've got nothing. You should hang out with me in Stickam more.

Well, there you have it. Another Lost Friday in the books. Please start the discussion in the comments section, and send all erotic photography to If you want to support the CDP, you can always make a donation or buy some merch, both of which can be done up in the sidebar. Once you're done telling me how much cooler Lost is with the CDP around, make sure to head over to The Coconut Internet and say hello.

As always, here are links to every Lost Friday this season. Enjoy in moderation, as they are far too tender and juicy to be handled in one setting. Have a good weekend; I'm going mini-golfing.


Season 3 Preview
Season 3 - Episode 1 Review
Season 3 - Episode 2 Review
Season 3 - Episode 3 Review
Season 3 - Episode 4 Review
Season 3 - Episode 5 Review
Season 3 - Episode 6 Review
Season 3 - Episode 7 Review
Season 3 - Episode 8 Review
Season 3 - Episode 9 Review
Season 3 - Episode 10 Review
Season 3 - Episode 11 Review
Season 3 - Episode 12 Review
Season 3 - Episode 13 Review
Season 3 - Episode 14 Review
Season 3 - Episode 15 Review
Season 3 - Episode 16 Review

Thursday, April 19

...And Here Comes The Pizza!

Your Kind Isn't Welcome Here.

(sniff)....I almost don't know what to do with myself.

Lost Friday rocks your ass in less than 24 hours. Try to stay strong until then.

Wednesday, April 18


"Remember what you were saying about people in the 'burbs? People like Skip. People who mow their lawn for the 800th time, and then just snap? WELL, THAT'S US! It's not them, it's US!. WE'RE the ones who are vaulting over the fences, and peeking in through people's windows! WE'RE the ones who are throwing garbage into the street and lighting fires! WE'RE the ones who are acting suspicious and paranoid! WE'RE the lunatics. It's not them. It's us."

The Burbs. The funniest movie ever made.

Enjoy your Wednesday.

Monday, April 16

The Aftermath.

Shhh....I'm Busy Being Sexy.

The CDP Live Video Chat (#1) has officially come and gone. Allow me to do a postmortem for those who were there, along with those unfortunate souls who were not.

1. "Hey, How Did It Go?"

Pretty good, actually. Throughout the 2.5 hour show (we went an extra 30 minutes because people kept showing up after 11pm) we had approximately 15-20 people come and go, which was more than I had expected. The chat room was heckler and pirate-free, no fights broke out and there were very few technical and A/V problems. Not too bad for a pilot run.

2. "Hey, What All Went Down?"

I had plans to take the crisp, intelligent and hilarious conversations and essays from the CDP and bring it into a live video format. In actuality, I just drank a lot and danced around for awhile. While this wasn't necessarily a bad thing, it wasn't the best representation of myself. I alternated frequently between text-chatting and just talking via audio feed. The chat was lively and I did my best to entertain, even though I had absolutely no format and nothing to say. I can assure you, nobody had more fun than myself, even though I might have killed my mystique a tad.

I've already said it a dozen times, but it was very nice of everyone to come out and test this new creative medium out with me. I also gave away a one-of-a-kind CDP Baseball Cap, which was won by Kenny Frankly, as she was an active member of the chat for the longest amount of time. Thanks, Kenny!

3. "Durr, I Was Going To Show Up, But I Don't Have A Webcam."

You don't need a webcam to participate! It's just a chat room with an audio/video feed coming from CDP Headquarters. It requires no equipment and no registration. Remember this the next time we do it, because there's no reason you shouldn't be able to join in. You just click on my Stickam site, sit back and enjoy.

4. "Buhh, When Are You Going To Do This Again?"

Well, there's no way I can do this more than once a month. Tentatively, I'm looking at Friday, May 25, as it will be following the final Lost Friday of the season. You know I'll keep you posted.

5. "Snuh, Is It Going To Be The Same Thing As The Last Video Chat?"

Nope. Not at all. Now that I know what I'm doing and what to expect, I'll be making slight changes to assure that the next video chat is smoother and more enjoyable for everyone. For starters, I'll be doing far more talking and far less text-chatting. More people wanted to hear me talk, tell stories and interact, as opposed to playing music and watching me with my head facing the keyboard, typing feverishly for 2 hours. The next time we do this, turn up your sound, and you'll get less talk and more rawk. And by 'rawk,' I mean 'talk.'

I'll also plan ahead what I want to talk about and how I want to schedule the time. Everyone can submit ideas as to what they want to see/hear during the next chat, and it'll be far more intelligently structured than this first go-round.

6. "Ack! Are You Doing Any More Video Stuff Between Now And Then?"


Although I won't be doing anything 'official' until after the Lost Season Finale, I'm always spending a little bit of time in my Video Chat room every night, testing things out and saying hello to people who stop in. I'm putting a link to my Video Chat Room on the main page, and if I know I'm going to be in there at a certain time, I'll mention it in the Header. The next night you drop by the CDP, just click on my Video Chat link and see if I'm in there. You never know; you might get a rare one-on-one meeting with the mythical legend that is the CDP. I'll play you music and probably show you my butt or something.

Well, there you have it. Sound off in the comments section with any questions or concerns about the previous or any future CDP Live Video Chats. Thanks again, and enjoy your Monday.