Wednesday, May 28

Lost Wednesday - Season 4 Caption Edition (Part 2).


Welcome to the second half of the Lost Monday Season 4 Calalcade of Captions. Enjoy.

(Three minutes after his arrival on the show, Daniel manages to ruin everything.)

The arrival of Daniel brought the unavoidable arrival of Time Travel and general wonkiness to the Lost universe. Thanks, jerkass. Furthermore, it's just too easy to mock this guy. I might even be able to kick his ass.

("Damn, it feels good to be an evil bastard.")

Ben needs Locke and Hurley as allies right now, so he's been rather nice to them as of late. However, I can assure you that once the threat of Keamy is off, he'll go right back to being the slimiest villian on national television. What's more, I've really improved my Ben Linus impression around the house; it scares the hell out of the Missus.

("Hey Juliet, do you know how to treat an impaling?")

See, because he went on to be impaled by Ana Lucia. See?

("I was wondering if I could possibly be any less relevant.")

I think it's hilarious that at this point, Claire's baby is more significant than she is, and Aaron can't even talk or walk ten steps without crapping in his pants. Sort of like Peter O'Toole.

("I can't believe I was in Speed Racer. I'll do anything for cash.")

I suppose, however, that there are worse things in the world than hanging out with Christina Ricci for three months.

(Charles Widmore: Kicking ass and raising hot daughters since 1956.)

Widmore holds the secret to everything. Hopefully he'll talk before Sayid decides to kill him.

(This is a complicated surgical procedure known as 'The First Base.')

Second base to follow shortly. Then Jack puts a Journey album on, and it's smooth sailing from there on out. Such a player he is.

(Jin tries in vain to find a Korean video game that isn't violently pornographic.)

I originally had this caption say "RAAALLLT!!!", but yeah, that was sort of out-of-line. Instead, I changed it to something even more stereotypical and borderline-racist. Way to go, me.

("Bitch said what?")

Juliet told Jin than Sun had an affair. That was wild; like an episode of Maury broke out on the island. I fully expected Jin to get hit with a chair at some point.

("Jin, did I ever tell you about the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville? I needed a new heel for my shoe, so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville back in those days. I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. 'Give me five bees for a quarter,' you’d say. Now where were we? Oh yeah—the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn’t have white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...")

When you need comedy gold, just rip off The Simpsons, and good fortune will follow.

(Jack Shepard. Surgeon. Hero. Mildly retarded.)

Judging from interviews and press junkets, Matthew Fox is a professional, serious guy with a limited sense of humor and a fair amount of image to uphold. Based on this criteria, I'm certain that he wouldn't hesitate to knock my ass out if we ever ran into each other, due to years of my making fun of him.

("You could say, speaking coherently is not concern.")

Have some compassion for your listening audience, Daniel! Think a thought through!

(John McCain takes a lie detector test.)

This is the 2008 equivalent of "George W. Bush tries to make toast."

(When your life has been ruined as many times as Sayid's, you pretty much look like this all the time.)

Next to Locke, no Lost character has experienced as much other-worldly trauma as Sayid. He actually went on to marry a girl that he tortured, only to have her get murdered by someone else. Furthermore, let us not forget how quickly he fell in love with Shannon on the island, before she got accidentally capped. Tell me again why Sayid liked her?

(Man, I'm so sick of people trying to use Jesus as a weapon.)

Come for the poop jokes, stay for the subtle socio-political statements.

("Your dad was a man-whore and you've abandoned your sister. Nice to meet you.")

This must have been a rough day for Jack. I bet he went home and beat the crap out of Kate.

("Our story is airtight. We'll just say that we hid out in a theater that was showing Speed Racer.")

Two Speed Racer jokes for the price of one! Nobody saw it!

("Hurry! Captain baked cookies and there's only five left! They're chewy and delicious!")

He's Barry Gibb, right down to the open shirt. All he needs is a massive gold medallion.

("Jack, your small intestine is saying hello to me. Might want to get that re-stitched.")

I thought about this scenario for like, 10 minutes when I wrote it. About how Sawyer would see Jack's intestines slipping out of the hole in his gut, and how he would give the intestine a witty, depreciating nickname, like "Slippery" or "Shirt Snake." Jack would continue to deny that he's in pain, and make up some medical excuse as to why it would appear that his intestines are popping out of his abdomen, like, "It's just gas escaping" or "That's typical drainage." This would continue for days, until Jack would be just dragging a mile-long length of his insides all around the island, continually denying that anything was wrong. Then, Jack's intestines would have a flashback to when they were safely tucked away before the botched appendectomy, and we'll find out that they had met Richard Alpert and... they seriously could have made an entire episode about that.

("Did someone say 'fondue?' Don't start without me! WAAAAALLLLLLT!!!")

At CDP Headquarters, we play a little game where we exclaim 'WAAAALLLLT!!!' every time Michael or Walt shows up on screen. It's like our own version of Rocky Horror, except that Lost isn't one of the most overrated, annoying and outwardly awful pieces of recorded media of all-time.

Thanks for reading. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day. More Lost Season Finale goodness to follow tomorrow.

Since I don't watch Lost, I would just like to say "FIRST."
He's Barry effing Gibb, right down to the open shirt. All he needs is a funky gold medallion.

Thank you. It seriously was the best thing that Jimmy Fallon ever did. I sincerely hope that they bring the Barry Gibb Talk Show back when he takes over Conan's show next year,
Crazy gold medallions.
Jack's intestines are probably mildly retarded, too.
Yep. It is "crazy gold medallions." Why did I think it was "funky"? Did they say that on the second one? My husband and the other DJ he works with run parts of the Barry Gibb Talk Show skit when they play 'Nights on Broadway' on the weekends.
CARGIRL - Oh, without question. I bet they're all "I LEIK FUDGE!!1!"

This has taken a turn for the absurd, and I welcome it with open arms.

MAUS - I think there has been 3 (possibly 4) BGTS sketches. Who knows, maybe they changed it later on.
I own the BeeGee's Greatest Hits, by the way.
Three: JT's first hosting gig, Cameron Diaz's hosting gig in 2004, and JT's most recent one in Winter 2006.

I always thought it was "crazy cool medallions".
There you have it; thanks for the info, yo.

Garwsh. I've been sifting through all of my previous Lost recaps for a couple of upcoming clip-oriented things this week, and it's almost embarrassing how many pages of material I've written concerning this damn show.

Tomorrow will showcase a countdown of my worst Lost predictions. It's funnier than it sounds.
Talkin' it up
On the Barry Gibb talk sho-ho
Talkin' 'bout chest hair
Talkin' 'bout, crazy cool medallions...
It's amazing that Jimmy Fallon would then go on to win this year's season of American Idol.

David Cook - Jimmy Fallon with a beard.

/Not a bad thing.
"I didn't go to your Hasty Pudding, dress like girls-school; I grew up on the streets of Sydney! Yaah!"
I like gold medallions better than cool medallions.
"No matter where I am in the city, yah, I am never more than five seconds away from a gun."

David does resemble Jimmy Fallon a bit. I used to have this huge thing for Jimmy Fallon. In the early days on the CGNM, I outlined my theories about Jimmy Fallon's drug abuse, which, to this day, I still firmly believe in.

It was one of our best features, which is a bit telling of the early days of the CGNM.
Jimmy is attractive; I'm one of the few people looking forward to seeing how well he does with his own talk show. Him and Tina running Weekend Update was supreme hotness; especially Tina's freaking amazing hair at the time.
I'd marry Jimmy Fallon. Unless I was already married to John Cusack or Michael Bluth (not Jason Bateman, Michael Bluth).

I might live in sin with Jack. (I know Kate's got that covered, I'm just saying...)

I also might hook up with Desmond if the situation presented itself.

The Lost cast could provide fodder for a very long episode of "Would you rather."
I feel the same way about the current cast of American Gladiators. Watching Hellga tug that rope while those long, golden pigtails of hers swung wildly was slightly more than this man could bear.

I'll be in my bunk.

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