Monday, August 18

10 Hard-Hitting Questions From The CDP.

(Thanks, Chuck.)

1. You wear glasses or contact lenses. Suddenly, a miracle pill comes along that will fix your eyes perfectly, without the aid of surgery. For a relatively low price, your eyes will remain 20/20 until the day you die. The only catch is that after you take this pill, you can never again wear glasses, hats, earrings, or any other cranium-based accessory for the rest of your life. Eye makeup is also not allowed.

Do you take the pill?

2. You want to be in a band. One night, the Devil makes you a deal that will instantly rocket you to super-stardom, multi platinum success, instrumental and songwriting talent, adoring fans and critical acclaim for the duration of your musical career. The downside is that in exchange for this fame, your all-time favorite band will cease to exist. Any memory of their music or historical legacy will disappear forever, and you will never be able to hear any of their songs ever again.

Do you take the deal?

3. You are offered the sum of one billion dollars to never engage in any type of sex again. Breaking of this rule will result in instant death.

Do you take the offer?

4. You've been offered one of two options. One, you are allowed to continue living life as normal with your significant other, with the knowledge that he or she will die in exactly three years. You can never share this information with them, and they will never be aware of this fact. Or two, you can immediately terminate the relationship, and he or she will live a long, healthy live and die comfortably at the age of 90. The only downside is that you can never explain your actions to your significant other, and you will never be able to see them again.

Do you terminate the relationship?

5. You are offered a guest-starring role in the series finale of the ABC TV show Lost, where it is revealed that all of the happenings on the island have been taking place in the head of an autistic boy or girl, played by you. Should you choose to take this role, you will be a part of television history forever, but the backlash will be instantly and universally panned. Should you choose to not take this role, however, the finale will conclude under significantly more plausible circumstances, cementing Lost's place in history as the greatest television drama of all-time.

Do you play the role?

6. You are granted the power of x-ray vision for clothing only; you are now able to see anyone in the nude. However, you are unable to toggle the x-ray vision. For the rest of your life, everyone you look at will appear naked, and you will never be able to see clothing again.

Do you want this power?

7. Through an address mix-up at the CIA, you are mailed an envelope containing the unbelievably true stories behind the moon landing (faked), Kennedy assassination (cover-up), Roswell crash (UFO) and the interpretive ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey (beats me). Once you open this envelope, you will know the truth behind all of these events, but from that point forward, everyone you meet will be convinced that you are insane. No matter what facts you present, arguments you make or books you write, you will be branded a loon and be permanently ostracized from the life that you once knew. You will never be believed by anyone.

Do you open the envelope?

8. While getting the newspaper one morning, a Brinks truck crashes outside of your house, spilling tens of millions of dollars into your driveway. The driver, fearing losing his job for not following standard security protocol and for being drunk, offers you half of the money in exchange for your testimony that says you saw him get robbed at gunpoint by a street gang. In addition to this, the money contained in the truck was originally headed for the American Cancer Society to assist in the invention of an experimental device that may cure cancer (the odds of it working are about 15%). Without this specific cash delivery, the machine will not be able to be invented for another 17 years. The money can not be traced back to you in any way, and your testimony will be perceived as the truth by a judge and jury. If you refuse the money from the driver, he will shoot you in the kneecaps and flee, causing you considerable mobility problems and pain for the rest of your life.

What do you do?

9. Through a post-apocalyptic Death Race competition, you are crowned the champion and rewarded with anything you want for the rest of your life. The only drawback is that every time you blink, you will crap your pants. This is incurable and unavoidable in every way.

Is it worth it?

10. You're in a passionate and long-term relationship with a significant other named Pat. In fact, you love Pat so much that you end up getting the name tattooed across your windpipe, which can never be removed or covered up. Months later, you and Pat are forced to part under frustrating circumstances, and you're left to find someone else to spend your life with. Soon enough, a wonderful person named Chris enters your life, bringing with it just as much love and passion as your previous relationship with Pat. However, you also start a relationship with a new person named Pat. Your relationship with this new Pat isn't on the level as your relationship with Chris, yet it's decent enough to fulfill your needs.

Do you choose Pat over Chris because you already have a 'Pat' tattoo?

Sound off in the comments section with your answers and enjoy your week.



(I lack the experience to answer)


No way in Hell!



Keep the money, but give 90% to cancer research. Swish!

I'll think about it!

Number 10 makes me laugh every time I read it.
1. No thanks. Glasses are cool.

2. No. There is no way I would give up Queen.

3. No way. I am not an idiot.

4. It is more important that my significant other's life is long and healthy. I am sure he would get over me.

5. No thanks. I think I watched maybe 20 minutes of that show total, although the idea that it was in the head of an autistic child is pretty intriguing.

6. No...I see too many teenagers for this to be pleasant.

7. Nope. I don't really care that much.

8. I would take the money, give it to the proper authorities, and totally tell on the guy. Douchebag.

9. I crap my pants every other time I blink anyway.

10. Why the hell would I do that?
Number 10 makes me think of the "That's Pat" movie. Yeah, I've seen it. It was on cable a million times. Stop judging me.
I chose the names Pat and Chris because I wanted the question to be non-gender specific. I hate writing 'he/she' and 'his/hers,' so I avoid it at all costs.
1. I probably wouldn't take the pill. My cranium needs accessorizing.
2. I would take the deal, then steal my favorite band's songs and claim them as my own works of art.
3. No idea. I don't think this would ever happen to me.
4. Of course I would terminate the relationship, it's just right. I'd then write a movie about it using different names and a different city, with David Spade as a comedic supporting character in order to obscure my references.
5. No wai. People already think I have Autism.
6. Hell no. It'd be nice to see some people naked, but yikes.
7. I would rather be crazy and know about the Kennedy assassination(s?) than no be sane and have friends and only wonder.
8. I would take the money, then donate it (or what's left of it after I buy myself a Joel McHale).
9. Who the hell thinks of this stuff? I would rather die in the Apocalypse than have to face this problem. "Where mah 'Pockies at!?"
10. I would choose Chris, and get his name tattooed on my face and both of my legs.
I hear they're selling Joel McHale's for 30% off at Gadzooks.

9. "High five, pockies!"

I wrote these questions because I thought they were funny, and because I don't think I had a specific answer in mind for any of them. Chalk it up to being awake at 3 in the morning.
I dont know why it embarrasses me, but all my answers were taking the high road and doing what's nice for other people instead of me. I dont know why I'm lame. And hey, 2001 explained: I guess it was all about man's evolutionary reliance on tools and how that's ultimately a bad thing. *shrug*
I guess that's the problem. I did notice, however, that you didn't answer any of them. who is it? Pat? Chris? Miss Tilerotex?
^^^^ Directed at Teh CDP.
1. Do not take the pill. I'm a make-up loving, earring wearing type o'gal.

2. Oooh, the offer is tempting! But I don't think the world should live without knowing Duran Duran.

3. No!

4. End the relationship fo sho

5. No no no! (wasn't that autistic kid ending used on St. Elsewhere??)

6. Nope, don't want the power. I love clothes and fashion too much!

7. How do I know what's in the envelope unless I open it?

8. Take the money and tell the authorities. Donate the reward money (cuz you *know* there's gonna be a reward!)

9. Not worth it - I blink too much.

10. Stick with Chris; change PAT to SPAT or SCRATCH or something.

I digg'd it :)
DOM - That's because you're a super-nice guy and morally challenging inquiries don't apply to you. Face it, dude; you're a weirdo. :)

CARGIRL - I'll offer my answers (and explanations) to the questions later on in the day/week. Some of them are no-brainers for me, but others I need to think abooot.

REESE - For #2, it should be noted that 'your favorite band' was originally supposed to be 'The Beatles.' I changed it to create more of a personal bond in the question, because as amazing as it seems to me, I guess some people hate The Beatles.
REESE- I blink too much too. I've blinked enough times while typing this to create a serious problem with my excrement. Wouldn't you run out eventually?
There is no need to logically dictate why the scenarios in the questions could never happen, you just need to figure out how you'd deal with them if they did. Imagine a world where you could get anything you wanted, and excrement was constant and bountiful.
Who the f is Joel McHale?
1. Tempting, but no. My head would get awfully cold in the winter, and also I love my old man racing cap.
2. Fuck no! I could not live with myself if I forced the world to be sans Sarah McLachlan. I'm that obsessed.
3. Are you kidding? Absolutely not.
4. This question sucks. But I'd break up and let 'em live a long life. And then write a hit album about my torment, which would totally circumvent the circumstances of question #2. Hah!
5. I'm almost tempted to be the bastard and do this, simply because it would be hilarious to hear the simultaneous sounds of Lost obsessed fanatic's heads exploding when the episode aired. Does that make me a bad person?
6. Blargh, no way.
7. I choose yes, because being a crazy but knowledgeable crank would be more fun than being in the dark.
8. I'm secretly a ninja, so I'd totally kick this douchebag driver's ass and return the money to the cancer folks. Then I'd take the armored delivery truck, fix it up, and it would become my Batmobile-like conveyance for all of my crime fighting.
9. I'm practically already living this life, so I can say with some authority that it sucks, and would not take the deal.
10. I would shoot myself in the face for being enough of an idiot to get anyone's name tattooed on my neck.
Joel McHale = attractive comedian and host of The Soup on the E! Network.
1. No.

2. Yes. If the collective memory of my fave band disappears then they never existed, so what's to miss?

3. C'mon now. No. And Carrot Duff, I'm pretty sure your answer is no, too.

4. No. Cruelty is worse than death in my book. And what would the kids think of my actions? I'm thinking of future therapy sessions. Which is worse, mom died young or dad ran away and never explained himself?

5. No means no, a thousand times no. And it was St. Elsewhere, the worst ending of any show ever.

6. No.

7. No. People already think I'm crazy enough.

8. Yes.

9. Yes, and I'd wish for, among many other things, self-wetting eyes.

10. No. But's I'd use my Brinks money to buy turtlenecks.
EMILY - I liked the way you squirmed out of some of these questions. It reminds me of when I play games with the Missus, and she just starts changing the rules when she gets bored.

Sorry about all the pant-poopin'.

LOTT - The question for #8 was 'What Do You Do?' and you answered 'Yes.' That made me laugh really hard. I know what you meant, though. I agree with you on the turtlenecks.

Which reminds me, my full answers will be posted Wednesday.
I think Emily gave the best answers. I wrote mine out in about 30 seconds, and only vaugely considered the cancer research one.

And I'm suprised everyones so agaisnt one-friggin'-billion quid in exchange for no sex. $1,000,000,000! Look at those zeros! There are nine zeros! Sweet Christmas!

And one billion quid would cover all my porn expenses forever...

DUFF - A billion dollars is a lot of money, but I've been in a few circumstances where I'd be more than happy to set it all on fire for even the illusion of intercourse. Furthermore, I just don't trust myself. I'd go deadbeat and be executed within three months, no doubt.

If faced with the decision, I'd probably blow my head off.
Yeah, I guess I got stuck in the yes/no paradigm. My answer is that I'd take the money offered. My knees are my best feature.

And Carrot Duff, I assumed that "no sex" meant no sexual activity of any kind, even self-abuse. Perhaps if Bill Clinton were answering the question--as he basicaally did at one point--he would parse the definition of sex to include BJs from interns half his age, but I took it to mean nothing from no one.
I sometimes wonder what I would do if presented with a pill that eliminated hypothetical questions.
Those questions made my wee little brain cry out in torment. But I'm with Cargirl on the issue of Joel McHale!

Now back to watching TS Fay meander her way in my direction and wait for work and school to announce closures.
MAUS - You be careful down there.

WILL - Bah-dum-tsshhh!

LOTT - I didn't think about the issue of self-gratification when I wrote the question, but yeah, it applies for sure, sort of negating Carrot Duff's master plan.

I wouldn't even think about it until we hit 10 billion.
Oh yeah, stay safe from Ms. Fay, Maus!!! Is that gonna hit you?
First off, I refuse to explain myself.

1. Yes
2. Yes
3. No
4. No
5. No
6. No
7. Yes
8. Bust his ass and take the consequences.
9. Hell no
10. No
ED - I admire your no-nonsense attitude and wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
1. No
2. Yes
3. Hell no.
4. Yes
5. Yes
6. Yes (What can I say? I'm a perv.)
7. No
8. Take the cash.
9. Yes. I will stop wearing pants.
10. No, change the tattoo to read "Patton"
The NHC/NOAA keep moving the track of the eye to the east, which is good news (for me anyway). Work and school will not happen tomorrow, anyway, as the county gets ready for a possible near-miss. We have the basic supplies, including the requisite booze, so I think we'll be fine unless it spins to the west again.
JT - Awesome. I like that everyone is disagreeing at one point or another. These are the things that interest me most; I might do another one somewhere down the road.

MAUS - I'll drink a mojito for you. Stay safe.
I wish someone would close my work; I don't want to be here today. I don't want a hurricane though.
1. No
2. Yes
3. No (but what kind of sex are we talking about? Bill Clinton or George Clinton?)
4. Yes
5. No
6. No
7. Yes
8. Refuse (write book, make tv miniseries, travel around as guest speaker)
9. no
10. Pat, (if I'm retarded enough to get a tattoo on my windpipe, then I'll be dumb enough to to try and keep it)

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