Friday, January 11

A Handful Of Win For The Loser.

1. I am featured in the 'Executive Profile' of the January 2008 issue of Business Watch Magazine, which documents Wisconsin business owners large and small. It's a great, somewhat straight-faced interview concerning how I've built my empire using nothing but free web tools (Blogger, Cafe Press, Lulu, etc). It also does a good job of convincing people that it was my intention all along to do so.

If you're in the Madison area, please pick up a copy almost anywhere, as pesky copyright laws prohibit me from simply posting the interview on the CDP. Also, please don't make fun of my picture, as I had just come home from work and decided to keep my sexy shirt and tie on. Besides, it makes me look like an Esquire-reading, self-important, discriminating, sellout butthole, which is exactly the type of person you want to be spending your time and money being entertained by.

Furthermore, I understand that I look like a low-grade wenis for reading my own book in the photograph, but hey, you're not the one in the magazine, now are you? I didn't think so; cork your bitchhole.

Man, what has become of me? I used to be so cool, then I decided to start following my stupid dreams.

2. For the sake of superstition and not fixing what isn't broken, the CDP will continue not to discuss the 2007-08 Green Bay Packers football season. Thank you for your understanding and participation in keeping your jinxing mouths shut. La-tee-dee, I cannot hear you.

3. I also want to mention that CDP Network alumnus Moe Greene has done the awesome by launching a Facebook group specifically for fans of the CDP! So when you get the chance, peek over at the sidebar and join the CDPeons Facebook Group. While you're at it, send a friend request my way, too; I'm ever so lonely. The CDPeons Group will be a good place to find out about CDP-related gatherings, news, announcements and whatnot that aren't always mentioned right here at HQ. Check it 'oot!

4. Each week, it seems as if the interviews I'm doing are getting bigger and bigger. Last week's Northwestern interview generated phone calls and e-mails from old friends, relatives, teachers and mortal enemies, all taking turns telling me how proud they were of me (thanks again to everyone; I feel truly humbled and grateful). It even went viral at my place of employment, essentially turning the entire office on to my secret double life. Here's hoping my writing career continues to expand, as I'm most certainly going to be asked to clean out my desk by the end of the day.

That being said, it all pales in comparison to the interview I'm about to do tonight (6pm, at an unknown Madison location that is being withheld for fear of riots). For the sake of not psyching myself out, the full details of the event will have to wait until Monday. Trust me, it's for the good of my anxiety and non-poop-filled pants. You'll get the scoop soon enough.

Kick It Old School.

5. This weekend will consist of a clean house, tons of playoff football and more than a few glasses of Jameson whiskey. I'll be taking time to digitally archive some of my old vinyl and cassettes, then cry for a few minutes at the realization that I'm almost 26 years old. Then it's off to the local multiplex for an I Am Legend/Juno double feature, and right back to Headquarters for Rock Band and French silk pie from the Market Street Diner.

Do I know how to live, or what?

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your weekend. I'll bring more funny next week.

Thursday, January 10

Havin' A Ball.

Last weekend, I received an e-mail from the Senior Art Director over at Struck, a company that produces ads and content for various companies and agencies around the globe. Their most recent work was for the Sean Kimerling Testicular Cancer Foundation, encouraging men of all ages to self-check themselves for the early signs of cancer.

Listen. Cancer doesn't care how old you are, and finding a way to reach out to the YouTube Generation with this important message is easier said than done. That being said, I think they pulled it off with the perfect amount of charm, wackiness and head-shaking hilarity. Struck Creative saw the CDP as a good outlet to spread the message, and there was no way I was going to turn them down.

So, check 'em. Once every month, to avoid a potential life-threatening emergency down the road.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

Wednesday, January 9

Can I Get A Sting* For This One-Joke Post?

The Sting.
(The percussion term 'sting' refers to the drumroll/cymbal combination usually done to accentuate the punchline of a joke. This is often erroneously referred to as a 'rimshot.')

Dear Margo,
I am a 25-year-old man who is married to a beautiful, committed wife. Recently, I was chatting online and met a guy. After a while, we exchanged numbers -- and have talked for more than two hours every night since. Last night, we were talking and laughing together, and after a moment of silence, I said, "God, I love you." I immediately apologized, but he said, "Don't." He said he has been fighting saying it, too.

We are both straight, and we both think homosexuality is a sin. Neither of us knows what is going on. I haven't had any desire to spend time with my wife since this person came into my life. I want to talk only with "Matt." What is going on?
-- Dazed and Confused

Dear Dazed,
Let us recap: You met a guy online. You've been talking with him on the phone for two hours a night. You told him you loved him; he said he's been having the same thought. The two of you think homosexuality to be a sin. Since you and cyberfriend "met," you have had zero interest in your wife.

These things would not, could not happen to a straight man. You are gay, my friend, though heavily repressed because you think it is sinful. I think you and this other chap are so closeted that you've been hiding from yourselves. Because of your religious convictions, there's probably an element of self-loathing, too, if only on a subconscious level.

Margo is right. 'Dazed and Confused' is indeed a homosexual male. How do I know that?

Is it because he met a guy while chatting online and exchanged numbers with him? Nope.

Is it because in a moment of bliss, he professed his love to this man? Still not there.

Maybe it's because his repressed views on homosexuality have warped him so much that he is just now starting to understand that he needs to be honest with himself and his longtime wife? Not even close.

So, how do I know for sure that 'Dazed and Confused' is gay?

Because he wrote to Margo about it.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

Monday, January 7



Note to the folks behind KFC's new marketing campaign for 2008:

Stop using my awesome font in your ads and commercials.

Stop it. Stop it right now. Stop it forever times infinity. I noticed it during your latest commercial and damn near spat macaroni salad upon my Microfiber couch.

You're ruining it for everyone; I don't support your restaurants, nor do I want to appear as if I do. Furthermore, how did you find it? I downloaded it years ago from a free fonts page that wasn't even in English, for Christ's sake. Couldn't you have picked something else?

This font has been the signature style of the CDP for almost two years now, and I'll probably have to change it to put my conscience at ease. Sure, your potatoes, wedges and biscuits are incredible, but that's not the point. You're stealing my mojo, KFC!

Thank you for your time. I'll be happy to hear from your lawyers concerning the matter. I have it on good authority that I can take down both your chain and the entire Yum! Brands conglomerate with the airtight case I've developed.

Okay, maybe not, but I promise you this.

If your ad campaign doesn't change by the end of January, I will personally dig up the corpse of Colonel Sanders and drink your trademark gravy straight out of his dusty, redneck skull.

You're aware of the consequences that your lack of action will take. Good day, gentlemen.