Thursday, February 28

CDP Pop Crunch Lost Review #2.

Before you sit down with tonight's new episode of Lost, take a moment to reflect on the week that was, with another CDP-flavored edition of the Pop Crunch Show. Longtime CDP fans will certainly be happy with some of the jokes I managed to slip in there this week.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

(I know that Kevin Palmer was listed as Head Writer. It's okay.)

Wednesday, February 27

1989 CDP Evaluation.

I found this First Grade teacher evaluation amongst a pile of papers my mother sent me late last year. You're going to want to click on the images to make them larger. It's worth it.

1989 Evaluation.

The handwriting on the bottom reads: "The boys think he's really smart, but they're getting tired of his cockiness." She also takes the time to underline 'impulsive' and mention that I have an authority problem, along with the X's painting a picture of me that's nothing short of unstoppable evil.

There's so much more. Keep reading.

1989 Evaluation.

Again, she takes the time to mention that I'm 'passively' uncooperative, and circles some of the most life-scarring and potentially damaging adjectives a person can say about a child. 'Tics?' 'Bizarre?' Goddamn. I'm quite certain that they no longer use this evaluation form at Winneconne Elementary School.

Notice that she never had anything bad to say about my academic achievements. This was all due in part to my being extremely bored with the coursework presented. She didn't stimulate me whatsoever, and I had nothing better to do than to entertain myself.

The grand finale is the final comment, which reads: "Ryan is way above First Grade level work. I must always keep him busy, because if I don't, he's distracting others. He has no sympathy for anyone and laughs at other children's mistakes. He also makes up stories and lies."

The 'has no sympathy for anyone and laughs at other children's mistakes' line is, without question, one of the funniest things anyone has ever written about me. I laugh my ass off every time I read it.

Almost 20 years later, and I haven't changed a bit, and that's a damn shame. After all, who would want to be a overachieving, defiant, anti-authority storyteller with no time or tolerance for stupidity? What a terrible fate that would have been.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

Monday, February 25

Lost Monday - "Eggtown."

Episode 4 - 'Eggtown.'
Season 4 - Episode 4: "Eggtown."

After a week off, Lost Monday makes its triumphant return to glory. We have much to discuss.

Last weekend, I finally got around to watching The King Of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters. It's a brilliantly engaging documentary that follows one common man's journey to set a world record score for the arcade game Donkey Kong, while trying to avoid some of the controversial roadblocks and petty nerds that attempt to protect their tyrannical leader and current record holder, Billy Mitchell. I thought it was fantastic (although slightly misleading), and it inspired me to look at some of the classic arcade games in my collection with more of a competitive spirit.

In a move that can be described as both 'career damaging' and 'unbelievably retarded on all counts,' I have permanently installed a Pac-Man arcade game in my office at CDP Headquarters. I did this to boost creativity, keep morale high and...

Okay, none of that is true. I just wanted yet another diversion from having to actually be funny for another week. Just a few hours into the Great Experiment, and Pac-Man seriously needs to go. I've already played over 15 games, and I keep looking back at it with the longing gaze of an airport goodbye*. This was a terrible idea.

*(If you're looking for a good name for your Emo band, I suggest 'Airport Goodbye.' Go ahead, you can have it.)

("I have freckles, Herpies. Wait, I mean I have herpies, Freckles.")

Alas, I must trudge forward and deconstruct Thursday's episode of Lost. Historically speaking, Kate-centric episodes are almost always boring and without merit (she's had 8 of them). Her flashback, 'killer on the run' storyline was always sort of weak and lacking the mythology and complicated twists that we've come to expect with Lost, and it's wonderful to see that we'll probably never get another Kate flashback episode again.

With Season 4 rocking the flash-forwards like Steve Kerr rocking the 3-point line (Hooray for completely out-of-date references!), we got a fresh Kate story, the end of her Fugitive-esque subplot, and an off-island mystery that will gladly replace any mysteries that concerned Kate's time as a wanted woman. The twist-ending was good enough, but it wasn't nearly as pants-pissingly devastating as Sayid's revelation last week. Also, had you been paying attention, you would have seen it coming from a mile away.

Close your eyes, breathe deeply and bite down on something. It's time for the Thick & Meaty!

Thick & Meaty!


I have to admit that the beginning of this episode excited the hell out of me, and it was for a completely incorrect reason. Going into 'Eggtown,' I knew two things:

1. It was a Kate-centric flash-forward.

2. We would find out who the 'he' was that Kate was referring to at the end of Season 3. According to interviews, this 'he' allowed Kate to get herself together and keep her on the straight and narrow.

So when this episode started, and I saw Locke preparing breakfast for someone in a kitchen, I immediately thought it was a flash-forward sequence, and Locke was the 'he' that Kate was referring to. When he began to descend the basement steps, I got positively giddy, actually thinking that Locke was pulling a Buffalo Bill with Kate off of the island, tying her up in the basement and making her put the lotion on the skin and so forth.

Yes, I really thought this was happening for a few seconds. However, wouldn't it have been awesome?

Sing a Cher song!
(Wow, the turtleneck really hides that Adam's Apple, Kate!)

Well, whatever. As it turned out, he was just keeping tabs on Ben, who was patiently biding his time until Locke whizzed the plan down his pant leg and allowed him to escape again.

On the beach, Jin and Sun are discussing plans after their rescue. Jin decides to pursue a career in Mixed-Martial Arts, while Sun decides to move to Madison, Wisconsin, where she can start a brief-yet-passionate affair with popular author, blogger and humorist, Ryan J. Zeinert.

Damn, I'm going to have to turn my office into a nursery. How will I play Pac-Man now? She's not even here yet, and she's already a hassle. Sun, you're smothering me. We have to talk.

He's just so funny and pale!
("...and we'll live forever in his studio apartment with the cats. It'll be bliss!")

Back at Other Village, Kate tricks Hurley into telling her where Miles is located. This is also known as 'Ham Blackmail.'

Yeah, I've got thousands of them, and I'm not stopping.

Kate and Miles have a chat in the boathouse, with Kate demanding to know what he knows about her. Miles won't talk until he gets a minute alone with Benjamin.

And an Al Green CD.
And some flower petals.
And a copy of Titanic.
And a succulent pot roast.

Seems like they have quite the night planned. We'll check on them later on in the show and see how they're coming along.

Dude, I Say Nothing But 'Dude' Now.
("I'll tell you where Miles is, but then you have to let me eat your head in drawn butter.")

Kate then goes back to Claire and drops a plot point the size of Harold Perrineau's ego when she states that she would make a bad mother, and that Claire is a wonderful protector for Aaron.

She then mysteriously adds, ".....for now."
And then Claire goes, "What?"
And Kate goes, "Nothing."
And then Claire goes, "I thought you said something."
And Kate goes, "Well, I didn't."
And Claire goes, "I see."
And Kate goes, "I'm Aaron's future-Mom."
And then Claire kisses her passionately on the ear.

Then I wake up in my bedroom, vowing to never again drink two quarts of Tang before bed.

Kate shows up at Sawyer's home, asking him if she'll help her break out Ben for a minute so he can chat with Miles. She takes a sip of Dharma Wine and instantly offers sex to Sawyer, leading everyone on the face of planet Earth to proclaim, "Why don't they carry that wine in my neighborhood?"

'Dharma Box Wine: Causing Pregnancy Scares Since World War II.'

Death Wish 6.
("Boy, I'd sure like to blow an Asian guy's face clean off today.")

Miles and Ben get their alone-time, where we see Miles attempting to blackmail him for 3.2 million dollars. Miles is there to take him into custody, as he's clearly done something reprehensibly evil (apart from all of that 'Dharma genocide' stuff), but will pretend he didn't find him in exchange for the extremely specific amount of cash. Ben gets a week to make the cash appear, and Miles spills the beans on Kate, indeed knowing all about her redneck past.

Locke has a chat with Kate, where he banishes her from the barracks for making him look like an incompetent ass. Kate flees to Sawyer's place, where they have almost-sex.

This leads us into today's Question Of The Week!

Question Of The Week.

"Why Didn't Kate Want To Have Sex With Sawyer?"

A. She's still shaking off the multitude of diseases from the last time they had sex.
B. Hurley had his ear to the door, and that's about as creepy as it should ever get.
C. The Price Is Right was on.
D. Sawyer hasn't showered since two days after Ana Lucia died.
E. The Asteroids machine in the Rec Room was calling her name.

Of course, the correct answer is "Because crabs can jump." Either way, these are all slightly more appealing than the real reason why.

Thanks for playing Question Of The Week, let's move along, shall we?

Red Ones!

On the beach, Daniel and Charlotte are conducting memory experiments on each other, where it is concluded that Daniel has the attention span and cognitive capabilities of a drunk pony.

Jack shows up and stomps his feet until they contact the emergency line on the freighter, where we find out that the helicopter didn't yet make it to the boat. That can't possibly be good; they're either dead in the water, in another dimension entirely, or Frank and Desmond are keeping the helicopter running by refueling it with their alcohol-rich urine. What seems the most likely?

Think about it before you say it's a stupid joke. Think about it.

On The Side?
("Hey bailiff, we're wearing the same khakis. High five.")

In the boathouse, Locke shows up with the intensity and anger of a man who has been screwed over for the brazillionth goddamn time. He throws a live grenade into Miles' mouth and leaves him there, unable to open his mouth or move, for fear of instant (and awesome) decapitation.I loved this scene; it was awesome. Furthermore, in terms of storyline, they never went back to the boathouse for conflict resolution. The writers of the episode want us to assume that until they say otherwise, he's still sitting in there with a live grenade in his mouth, and that is absolutely beautiful and completely bad-ass.

In fact, that was so awesome, I can only think of five things that are comparably awesome. Make with the list!

5 Awesome Things!

5 Awesome Things.....You Can Do With A Grenade.

1. Instant snow removal from any Madison rooftop or city block.
2. Conveniently dispatch an unwanted Labrador retriever. Don't 'awww' me, that was funny!
3. Toss it into a Panic At The Disco concert. That'll give them something to cry about.
4. End the Bush administration a few months early.
5. Toss it into a Saves The Day concert. That'll give me something to cry about.

Kate and Sawyer wake up together, where Sawyer makes the mistake of celebrating Kate's non-pregnancy. This not only guarantees that Sawyer will never sleep with Kate again, but she tells him that she's going back to the beach with Jack. Smooth move, con man.


Kate eventually has to stand trial for the murder of her father, along with the slew of charges she racked up whilst on the run. Oceanic 6 or otherwise, justice will be served!

Justice Has Been Served.
(Pictured: Justice. Not Pictured: Wolf.)

Kate's lawyer wants to create sympathy for her, so he asks to let 'her son' take the stand. Kate refuses, as she doesn't want to involve him and he's not really her son. The lawyer reminds Kate that we're not supposed to know that until the end of the episode, and Kate apologizes for her forthright nature.

We then go to a commercial break.

As the trial continues, we see a pre-insane Jack Shepard take the stand in defense of Kate. He goes on to tell the story of Flight 815 as was presented falsely to the world, explaining that 8 people survived the crash and Kate saved everyone's lives. He then claims, when grilled, that he no longer loves Kate.

No kidding, Jack. I don't love her anymore, either. She lost her luster approximately five minutes after she stitched up your abdomen in the Pilot episode.

Cameras See Everything.
("We should try for a plea bargain; you somehow killed eight people on your way in today.")

Kate's mother decides not to take the stand against her, instead simply wanting to see her grandchild. Kate says no, and her mother instantly dies of cancer. Because of this, they plea-bargain to keep Kate out of jail, which works, as she has a son. Did they mention that she has a son? Well, if you didn't know, Kate has a son now.

Lost normally springs surprises on you quite intelligently, but this plot twist was telegraphed from the moon. How was anyone surprised by this? Alas, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Jack meets up with Kate before she exits the court, and they talk about the story he told on the witness stand. She invites him to see her faux-son, to which he refuses. I'm assuming this is because he's a tad weirded-out, as Aaron is his nephew.

Maybe it tastes like a penny.
("Hmmm, I wonder what a grenade tastes like. Wow, what a weird thought. Oh well, doot-doo-doo, la-la-laa.")

When Kate arrives home, we finally get a look at Kate's son. She calls him Aaron, people who weren't paying any attention gasp and flail, smash-cut, episode over.

This was, without exception, one of the best Kate-centric episodes ever. Even though the ending was a bit laid-out, it does offer many theories as to why it came to be, which is far more important in the grand scheme of things.

The journey is the reward, bitches! Let's Break It Down!

Break It Down!

4 - Kate has Aaron. This happened because of one of three possible outcomes. They are:

A) Claire dies somehow, and Kate assumes role of Aaron's mother.
B) Claire had to give up Aaron so he could be rescued, and she's forced to stay on the island.
C) Aaron was kidnapped from Claire by Kate, and taken off the island with a new mommy.

As of right now, they're all possible theories. Logically, I would think that Claire was killed in a rescue attempt, but time will tell. Perhaps it's due to me really, really wanting to see Claire die.

8 - This episode took place on Christmas Day and December 26 of 2004. No mention of that? Wow. The only gifts exchanged during the episode was a grenade in Miles' mouth and Kate's gift of not giving Sawyer another STD.

("Hey, come back! I thought you liked it when I pretended you were 12! Hey!")

15 - If Kate is on probation for 10 years, it would seem fitting that she could not accompany Jack on his dumb-ass expedition back to Lost Island. Never mind that he's a dumb-ass or anything; she's just playing by the rules for her dumb-ass son. What a bunch of dumb-asses.

16 - Aaron is not one of the Oceanic 6. Why? Well, he didn't have a seat on the plane, for one. Really, he's not one of the 6. Neither is Desmond, Juliet, Ben, or anyone else that wasn't on the manifest. Michael and Walt? Well, only time will tell with those two.


23 - When Locke throws the plate of food at the concrete wall after his conversation with Benjamin, the 'concrete' wall actually shakes. You can't win 'em all, continuity department.

42 - I find it amazing that Kate looks more attractive on the island than in her glammed-up flash-forwards. She's a weird-looking woman.

Hide the kids! Spoilers ahoy! There's a Donkey Kong Kill Screen coming up if anyone's interested! It's The Preview!

Episode 5 - 'The Constant.'

1. Episode 5 is titled 'The Constant.' It will be Desmond-centric, and will probably be told in flashbacks.

2. The official press release from ABC reads: "Sayid and Desmond hit a bit of turbulence on the way to the freighter, which causes Desmond to experience some unexpected side effects."

I don't know about you, but I fully expect to see 48 straight minutes of Desmond 'yodeling groceries' all across the Pacific Ocean.

3. Expect to see one of Desmond's patented 'completely baffling flashes,' where he actually runs into Daniel Faraday off of the island. Again, I don't exactly know if this takes place in the future or not. Do you even watch the show anymore? Christ.

4. We'll learn a little something special about Frank in this episode. As a Jeff Fahey fan, I can't wait. However, as a Lost fan, I have a hunch that he won't survive Season 4.

5. 31,350 is a terrible Pac-Man score, but slow and steady wins the race. You'll see.

Well, there you have it, a super-sized Lost Monday to erase the painful memories of last week's no-show. I hope this cures what ails 'ya. Sound off in the comments section, send any erotic photography and stalker mail to, and for God's sake, buy my book if you haven't done so already. I'm no longer ordering copies for distribution, so personalized copies will go extinct very soon.

As always, here are links to every Lost Monday this season. Thanks, and enjoy your day.

Lost Monday - Episode 1 Recap.
Lost Monday - Episode 2 Recap.