Monday, April 6

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Injured.

The Broken Elbow Quadrilogy - Part I.

As some of you may know, the Missus broke her elbow a few weeks ago at the Roller Rink. Inspired by the awesomeness and recent stratospherical growth of the local Roller Derby squad, she decided to strap on the skates and give it a go, with the hopes that she may one day join the elite ranks of the female rink warriors.

And no, this is not a CDP Flashback Essay from 1977. This new Willennium has been a bust since Day One, so it stands to reason that we would take pride looking backwards for something fun to do on the weekends, and we’ve already thoroughly mined the 80’s and 90’s for fuzzy nostalgia. The jetpacks are still decades away; tough girls, roller skates and Pabst Blue Ribbon are empowering, sexy and forever cool.

Anyway, like most of us have done at one point or another while skating, the Missus forgot to wear protective gear and took a nasty spill. What most of us haven’t done, however, is snap your radius in two. From what the Missus and Wikipedia tell me, the radius is a bone attached to your elbow that hurts like hell when broken. The prognosis is typically a sling, truckloads of Vicodin, and if you’re really lucky, a surgery where they have to pin everything back into place. As a woman who has to pass through a metal-detecting weapons screening booth every day at work, you can see why this would be a serious conflict of interest.

On the day that the Missus decided she no longer wanted to use her right arm for three weeks, I took an uncharacteristically solo trip up north to visit my folks. I left town because I had no intention to ever set foot inside a roller rink again, as I still harbor deeply-rooted fears that alter my decisions to this day. More on that tomorrow.

I spent most of the day thinking about her, as we typically don’t spend weekends apart. I hoped that she was having a good time with Ben and Sherry, and assumed that if anyone got hurt, it would most assuredly be Ben. Seriously, dude’s about 6’2” and his center of gravity is somewhere between his first and second vertebrae. I predicted some sort of concussion or blunt trauma to the back of the head, and waited patiently for the text message while sitting at an Italian restaurant with my mom and sister.

When my phone finally chimed, I got a relative first-glimpse as to how the Missus likes to break bad news:

‘In Urgent Care. Broke my arm :)’

You read that right. She took the time to tack on a smiley. Either because she wanted to downplay the severity of the incident and didn’t want me to worry, or because she was hopelessly in shock.

After cleaning up the spat Killian’s Red from my polo shirt, I hit the road and headed for home. My feelings were mixed. First and foremost, I wanted to make sure that my wife was okay. Secondly, I wanted to passively scold her for not wearing elbow pads, as I had stressed since Day One. Finally and most selfishly, I wondered if this meant I had to drive her to work and make dinner for the next few weeks.

All of these racing thoughts made me feel like a parent who just watched their child lock themselves in the family minivan and pull the shifter down, careening the vehicle into the street. Once you make sure they’re not dead, you want to instinctively hug and strangle them at the same time. Fortunately, she looked so damn pathetic with her sling on, I just shook my head and tried really hard not to cry.

Hey, you know what goes really well with Vicodin? Jameson.”

Oh, you’re hilarious.”

That first night, she slept for fourteen hours.


My x-ray looked cooler than that. I have thick bones, like a Viking!
Well, to be fair, all four of your Grandparents were Vikings, so you're a Pureblood. I'm just 1/4 Viking, like the bulk of the Midwest.
Only 1/4 were Vikings. The other 1/2 were Polish/German/Prussian (depending on what year it is!), and the other 1/4 was Irish :) So let's just say I have hefty European bones.
I'm amazed I've never broken anything (knock on wood), considering all the shenanigans and sports I've gotten up to in my day. Of course, I wear pads. ;)

Hope your convalescence is going well, Hathery!
Wearing pads is a wise decision.
This is my third brake. I broke my left wrist twice before this incident.
I think Vicodin and Jameson would be better than my usual concoction of Benedryl and beer. But then, that's my late summer/early fall combo when my allergies make me feel like death.

I'm anxious to read Part Deux.
I hope you heal quickly, Hathery!

CDP - Did you get my mixtape? It should have arrived sometime last week.
HOSS - I've found that I'm developing seasonal allergies for the first time in my life. Either that, or my body is just getting sick of all the cat hair constantly circulating through Headquarters.

CAITLIN - Yes! I did get your Mix, and I can't wait to review it. Thank you so much!
CDP you and Hathery stopping at your grandma's house on Easter? I'd like to see the sling first hand and maybe get some sound effects from you of how it sounds when she gets to work. Alas my wife will not be attending as she will be at work, but the boys and I will be there all day you haven't met the newest addition yet, not that at just over 3 months he's all that exciting. Though if we do it just right maybe we can get him to spit up all over one of the aunts, that would be cool.
LUKE - Awesome. I really have no idea what our plans are this weekend, but if we have the chance to make it up, I'll definitely give you a call. I'd love to meet the new baby.
Hope you heal quickly, indeed. And don't let this deter you from roller derby-ing. My sister broke her tailbone during try outs but she went on to become a ref and has now been an Unholy Roller for two years and was on the Dairyland Dolls for a quarter.
Daniella (aka, Hot-ta Trotsky)
Best of luck healing and hope you have a full recovery! Protective gear is your friend!

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