Monday, July 6

The Communist Search Party.

Beloved Writer Snaps, Disappears.

Award-winning author and blogger Ryan J. Zeinert has been reported missing since the early hours of July 5.

No more than a week after deleting his Facebook account on the evening of June 26, it appears as if Zeinert, creator of the humor blog ‘The CDP,’ suffered a traumatizing anxiety attack, causing him to strip off his clothes and scatter wildly into the Nature Preserve located near his home in Sun Prairie, Wisconsin. He has not yet been located, but is presumed to be alive and sweaty, traveling with a small pack of coyotes that frequent the area.

Rumors have surfaced concerning the cause of Zeinert’s recent mental difficulties. These range from crippling OCD, a ‘shameful’ caffeine addiction, or as a way to somehow avoid paying off the remainder of his student loans, which now number in the low seven-figures.

Rampant egotism and questionable anger management skills could have also played a sizable role.

Zeinert, a State employee, husband, cat owner and Civil War-era Barbecue Sauce historian, had been reported as acting ‘a little off’ in the weeks leading up to his disappearance. His wife Celia, notes that drastic changes in his behavior caused concern, such as laughing out loud during episodes of the television series Scrubs, taking a newfound interest in Lo-Fi music, and making seemingly incoherent cultural statements, such as, “I don’t know…Jim Belushi seems like a funny enough guy.

That Belushi thing was a red flag for me,” said an openly-weeping Celia. “Towards the end…I didn’t even know who he was anymore.

Other members of Zeinert’s family voiced their concerns.

He has little-to-no experience in the wild, or anything outdoors, really,” quotes his mother, Tami. “If he didn’t remember his sunscreen, we might as well start selling his comic book collection off right now, [be]cause he’s never coming back.

Zeinert, a legally-recognized albino with a medically-untraceable amount of natural skin pigment, will have to deal with unseasonably-warm temperatures throughout the month of July if he is to somehow survive the elements. “He probably just did this to get out of going to the Flag Parade with me downtown,” said his wife. “He’s always doing selfish [things] like that.

What an asshole,” she added.

If Zeinert surfaces or any updates should arise, they will be posted here immediately.

He's got a touch of Satan and needs to go to a pond to see where the fish lives.

Either that, or the giant spider invasion got him.

I caught a glimpse of him! I did, I did!

Can't you find him on Twitter?
"A legally recognized albino"<---this made me LOL.
I saw a man passed out next to a half eaten wheel of cheese yesterday. I don't know. Could have been him.
What kind of cheese? I heard the Red Windsor was delayed because the van broke down, the Caerphilly was backordered, and the Camembert was awfully runny.
I...I used to kind of like Scrubs. :/

This whole post, and the previous one about the hedgie in the night, made me smile. Just make sure you've packed your SPF 10,000 sunblock before venturing off into the suburban wilderness.

(And I heard somwehere that the cheese was Wensleydale)
"He has not yet been located, but is presumed to be alive and sweaty, traveling with a small pack of coyotes that frequent the area." lol

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