Friday, August 7

"Queen Elizabeth Is A Man!"

Strange little thought, here.

I sometimes wish that I had a medieval torture rack in which to stretch myself out while I slept. I bring this up because I’ve been experiencing throbbing leg pain for the past few weeks, and I can only compare it to the pain I felt as a teenager experiencing growth spurts due to Puberty.

The pain of your legs stretching and growing at night is almost unbearable. Remember the transformation scene from An American Werewolf In London? For a lot of guys like me that experienced rapid and fierce growth spurts, this was essentially reality, and I’m nervous that I may actually be experiencing it again. The only thing that subsides the pain is to stretch myself out as far as possible, in order to temporarily relieve the tension. I’m in perfect health, I walk and jog daily, and I experience no leg pain or twitching whatsoever during the course of the day; just when I’m trying to sleep. A head-scratcher if there ever was one.

Are normal people supposed to resume growing height-wise at the age of 27? What if I go through the same spurt I did between 8th Grade and Freshman year, when I sprouted 6 inches in three months? I can’t afford a brand new wardrobe; I may have to start freebasing meth for the sole purpose of stunting my growth.

This paranoia of suddenly growing taller reached a fever pitch the other day when I put my normally-loose-fitting jeans on and noticed that they were significantly more snug than normal. I hit the roof. “I knew it!” I exclaimed. “The transformation has begun again! I’m as good as dead! I’ll be 7 feet tall by the end of Autumn!

I just took those jeans out of the dryer, dumbass,” chimed my reassuring, yet terse wife.

It seems as if I'm safe; but for how long? Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

(LISTEN UP! The Communist Dance Party is inching ever closer to Post #1000! As part of the festivities, the CDP will devote the entire week of August 17-21 to answering any and all questions you may have about the Little Blog That Could. So think of something you've always wanted to ask about Ryan J. Zeinert or, post or send it to, and wait until the week of August 17 for the answer. You can stay anonymous and can ask as many questions as you want. Thanks in advance!)

That picture looks just like you! :)
I don't know, I think it's cruel of your parents to take a picture of you (above) during one of your growth spurts. Puberty is rough enough, let alone someone taking your picture mid-transformation.
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They let you run around the house like that? The shedding alone must have been a nightmare to deal with. And someone REALLY should've been after those claws with a nail trimmer...or a hand lathe...or maybe a belt sander or something.
Restless Legs Syndrome! And here I thought it was just BS made up by a drug company looking for new things to sell us.
MAUS - I used to tear the couches to pieces. Now I realize why everything was always covered in plastic.

BRUCE - When you're a child star, the constant attention just becomes part of the daily routine. Of course, I wasn't a child star, so yeah, my parents were just bastards.

EMILY - Uh-Oh...I was really hoping that wasn't it. I guess I'm going to have to monitor this more closely and see if it becomes a bother. This just arose out of nowhere, though. Weird.
Holy crap; Brian Bowles shocks the world at WEC 42! Absolutely amazing; a Top 5 P4P guy just got decimated!

I paid $55 for UFC 101, and it sucked out loud. The very next night, I watch WEC 42 for free on Versus, and it was the fight card of the year. Riddle me that.
I get those really terrible pains in my legs at night, too. I've woken up screaming (OK, grunting) and crying in agony. I read that a zinc deficiency can make them worse, so I started taking a multivitamin with zinc. It REALLY helps. Seriously, go load up on zinc before resorting to meth.
BERRY BEAR - You know what? I stopped taking my multivitamin a few weeks ago! I think you may have actually hit the nail on the head, here. I'll get back on the vitamin train and let you know if it goes away. Thanks!
You’re invited to view my latest video “684”__ a collection of some short poems. ( )

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