Friday, March 27

Lost Friday - "He's Our You."

Season 5 - Episode 10: "He's Our You."

Another Lost Friday is upon us. Hey, I'm on Twitter!

If you've noticed the mini-feed over in the sidebar, I'm using Twitter as a way to keep in touch with the vast CDP Network in between essays (I'm on pace for over 25,000 hits this month; thanks much). I came up with the idea after spending Tuesday afternoon in a hospital waiting room, and realizing that I really wanted to update the CDP with my iPhone. So check in even more frequently than usual and enjoy an even deeper peek into whatever the hell it is that I do with my time throughout the week.

Speaking of Waiting Rooms, I just got back from the Dentist's Office, where I'm once again cavity-free, yet I feel as if I've had my molars bashed with an aluminum bat. They have demanded that I get my wisdom teeth removed this Summer, and I'm only looking forward to it for the comedic potential and good drugs. Oh, and it's all covered by insurance, which will eliminate my Plan B Payment Cycle, which called for eight months of cheese sandwiches and a crash course in how to make low-grade methamphetamine.

I enjoyed this week's episode of Lost. In order for us to get from Point A to Point B in this series (or is it Point B to Point C to point A?), something needs to happen that causes the Flight 815'ers (and stray Dharma folk like Juliet) to retreat back into the jungle for a final showdown. Judging by the way things are going down, I predict one hell of an Episode 12. Deaths and kaboom and whatnot.

And hey, your guess is as good as mine what Sayid's dusting off of Little Ben does for the outcome of the series. Did it change the future? Did it do nothing? Will there still be a purge? Did it cause the entire show to no longer exist? Do I still exist?

Beats me; be patient. Now, make with the funny, Joke Monkey.

("...And then the grasshopper says, "you have a drink named Steve?" LOLOLOLOL!!!1!")

(Settle a bet for me. Are serial killers naturally drawn to this particular style of eyeglass frame, or do the frames themselves create serial killers?)

(Gene Wilder makes a Sweeps Week cameo appearance.)

("Why don't you recycle that Gene Wilder joke one more time, Robin Williams? Maybe this time, someone will laugh.")

(My cat does the same thing when we have to administer her ear medication.)

(Case in point with the eyeglass frame thing. The casting of Oldham was so good, I actually thought they just pulled a guy off Death Row and told him to act natural.)

(Stupid, stupid Sayid. Never accept a square-headed prostitute's proposition for sex in a hotel lounge. That's Hitman Rule #1.)

(The lead singer of the Shins is relieved of his security duties.)

("Here's breakfast, guys. I ate most of it on the way over here, but there's plenty of fruit left.")

("Hmm...I think I'll shoot a child in the heart today.")

(Hey, you know what they say. 'If this van's a-flaming, don't bother trying to drive it, because it's on fire, you dumbass.')

("You see, if I kill Ben Linus when he's a child, then he'll never grow up to be responsible for the death of my wife, Nadia, which means that I'll never take misdirected vengeance against the wrong people through the manipulation of Ben, which would lead to my arrest and eventual crash-landing back on the Island in 1977, giving me the opportunity to kill Ben Linus as a child.")

(Tim Geithner tries to make toast. We're never getting our money back, kids.)


Well, there you have it; another Lost Friday in the books. Start the conversation in the comments section and enjoy your weekend. Keep an eye on my Twitter feed all weekend, and come back on Monday for more funny stuff. And just in case you need a little more company today, here are links to every Lost Friday so far this season. Later.

Season 5 - Episode 1/2 Review.
Season 5 - Episode 4 Review.
Season 5 - Episode 5 Review.
Season 5 - Episode 6 Review.
Season 5 - Episode 7 Review.
Season 5 - Episode 9 Review.

Tuesday, March 24

No More Entertainment #6 - QVC Is Awesome.

The CDP's Top 5 Favorite QVC Clips.

As a child who grew up in the 80's with insomnia and without cable television, Home Shopping has always held a special place in my heart. From around 1 to 4am each weeknight, the local ABC affiliate would switch over to HSN, QVC, Shop At Home, or any other of the dozens of late-night hucksters across the airwaves, shilling next-to-worthless merchandise to lonely housewives and the mentally ill. I never bought any of the stuff, as collecting coins and dusting Tiffany lamps were never my thing, but I still get a kick out of rooting through YouTube and checking out classic (and current) bloopers from the genre.

The reason we laugh at these clips is the same reason we laugh at news bloopers, and one of the fundamentals of Comedy as a whole. These people are trying as hard as they can to cling onto their dignity. They're dressed nicely, committed to perfection on live television, and there's essentially nothing but a thin, brittle veil standing between them and utter embarrassment on any number of levels. If a broken-down shell of a man accidentally stabs himself with a katana sword in his workshop, it's a tragedy. When a television host does it on the air and actually attempts to play it off as if nothing happened, it's nearly the definition of Comedy.

In the upcoming six assembled clips, I've attempted to put together a short glossary as to the primary ways you can be humiliated on live television; specifically, Home Shopping Television.


Honorable Mention - 'The TelShop Blooper Collection.'

Method Of Humiliation - Laughing At Yourself Before Anyone Else Can.

The Skinny - I've included this collection of bloopers from the old TelShop Network for a few reasons. First off, each one of these bloopers is genuinely funny in their own regard. Secondly, the low-budget, public access nature of the programming is charming and nostalgic in a warm, fuzzy way. Thirdly, the compilation was actually posted to YouTube by a member of the TelShop staff, as a way to fondly remember the good times they had while hosting the program. They were more than willing to laugh at themselves, and for the record, it looked like they had a blast every day they walked into the office, and I respect that immensely.

Favorite Clip #5 - 'QVC Host Faints.'

Method Of Humiliation - Pure, Immeasurable Terror.

The Skinny - Whenever AFV does a musical compilation of grown men passing out at weddings, I can barely gather my composure until the commercial break. Reason being that they, through no real fault of their own, have more or less ruined their own (or someone else's) wedding simply by being scared to death and forgetting to breathe. It's only funny if the chump has dignity, and a man stumbling around and puking while wearing a tuxedo is about is close to universally funny as it gets.

I also appreciate the subtlety of this clip. The woman in question clearly passes out (she's the one on the right), but the Floor Director had the presence of mind to cut away when she initially began fading from reality, leaving the audience to simply hear the inevitable aftermath.

Favorite Clip #4 - 'Host Thinks Moth Is Horse.'

Method Of Humiliation - Completely Off-Track Without A Map, And Not Caring.

The Skinny - This is what happens when you blindly read a TelePrompter know...actually checking out what you're hocking to millions of people. The tone in this guy's voice- he's so damn sure that he's talking about a horse- makes the final realization all the more rewarding.

Favorite Clip #3 - 'Prank Caller Loves Porn.'

Method Of Humiliation - The Prank Caller.

The Skinny - This clip comes to us from one of those 'Most Outrageous Moments' TV shows, so don't let the laugh track take away from one of the funnier prank calls in TV history. You can almost feel the hosts squirming in their clothes as they struggle to find a tactful way to move on with the broadcast. Also, the guy making the call is absolutely fantastic. "Okay, porno!"

Favorite Clip #2 - 'The Ladder Fall.'

Method Of Humiliation - Pride Cometh Before A Fall.

The Skinny - When you work for a network like QVC, it's your job to convince as many people as possible that the product on their screen is the single greatest thing ever invented, and you need to do so in somewhere around five minutes. For the most part, this is a relatively easy task, provided you have an advance knowledge of the product and possess even the most basic of assembly skills.

The constant stream of excuses that this host makes for this clearly terrible product more or less sets up his 'work simulation' actor for a guaranteed injury. And the consummate professional even continues to stand up for it when it knocks out most of the other guy's front teeth. This takes either a massive helping of on-air smarts, or an air of jackassery than cannot be measured within the confines of our Earth. Bonus points for the live caller showing more concern than anyone.

Favorite Clip #1 - 'Katana Stab.'

Method Of Humiliation - Hara-Kiri.

The Skinny - Smarmy jerk gets stabbed in the chest by a faulty sword, and is in so much pain that he cannot even pretend to hide it. Broadcast partner comes in for the save, shows no remorse or concern whatsoever, and even makes fun of the guy a little. Does it get any funnier?

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day. To tide you over, here are backlinks to every No More Entertainment so far this year:

Monday, March 23

The CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Trade 5 Deadline.

Today is the deadline for the CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Trade #5, so get those mixes in the mail by the end of the day today! Unless you haven't already gotten back to me and your Mix Buddy with a damn good excuse (like an emergency appendectomy, out of the country on Spring Break, creating a 100-track Mix, or suffering a broken elbow), don't expect any sympathy from myself or the CDP faithful when it's discovered that you've gone deadbeat. It's just like when you don't get the Big Wheel around all the way on The Price Is Right; even the elderly and frail get booed when they're unable to accomplish such a simple task. Don't let me down.

As I've mentioned before, any Mix-Tapes sent my way by the end of the month will not only be reviewed right here on the CDP, but also enters the creator of said Mix into a drawing for a FREE CDP MIX-TAPE SHIRT. Not too shabby.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy the first Monday of Spring. More funny stuff tomorrow.