Friday, April 3

Lost Friday - "Whatever Happened, Happened."

Season 5 - Episode 11: "Whatever Happened, Happened."

Another Lost Friday is upon us, we have much to discuss.

To start things off, I want to send out a big Thank You to the loyal members of the CDP Network, as we broke the 30,000 hit mark last month for only the third time in CDP history. I appreciate it very much, even if my Free MySpace Poetry was once again criminally ignored by the masses. I get it; you don't like satire, fine. See if I care.

Next up on my mind is the constant bewildering ridiculousness that is the Internet. The idea of a magic box that could produce any insane fantasy you could possibly conjure has been the talk of Sci-Fi novels since the turn of the Century, and I think that we take it for granted every day now that it's been here for almost 20 years. To me, it's absolutely amazing that I can fantasize about watching the Rockafire Explosion play an Arcade Fire song, only to have the Internet nod in my general direction, say "Thy will be done," and give me exactly whatever nutball thought that comes to me at 3:45am. If you presented the Internet in it's current form to a World's Fair in 1922, you'd be heralded as a God. In 2008, you're just another lonely man with a Furry fetish. Unreal, and worth taking a moment to appreciate.

And no, I'm not high right now.

Thirdly, I have no idea why I willingly allow a bunch of college kids that I don't know to take money out of my pocket every March, but for the 12th straight year, I lost the NCAA office pool in spectacular fashion (my last victory was in 1997, my Sophomore year in High School, when I was the only guy in my entire class to pick Kentucky). I have one team left in the Final Four (UNC), and I picked them to lose to Pitt, which means that I've been dicked for well over a week now. Thanks Barack Obama; I followed your lead by mimicking your bracket, and you whizzed it down your leg instantly. Makes me wonder what else you're going to whiz down your leg, hmm?

I've got my eye on you.

Getting into this week's episode of Lost, I quite enjoyed it, and thought it set up the remainder of the season quite nicely. From Jack once again going apathetic, to Alpert dragging Ben back to the Temple (presumably for the Temple Games, immediately following the Steps of Knowledge), to Hurley asking all of the questions that we'd like to ask, this week did exactly what it needed to do, regardless of if you thought it was slightly plodding or not.

So let's get to the funny.

("I'm never gonna WHARRGRRBL dance again, guilty feet have BLARGHALABA got no rhythm, thought it's easy GAAAAHHHHRB to pretend, I know you're GOLOLOLGGGH not a fool!!!")

("Sorry Kate, the line for child-kidnapping whores forms over there.")

(Walgreens: Voted 'The Best Place To Abandon Your Child' for the twentieth year in a row.)


(Wait a minute...where have I seen this before...)

(Man, just when I think I have this show figured out.)

(Dear Lost, before this season is over, please allow me to watch Horace's withered husk get butchered and scattered to every corner of the Island. Thank you.)

("Well, the bad news is that Ben is in really bad shape. The good news is that, because of him, we've successfully located the Gay Gene.")

("...And then, and then the monkey smells his finger and falls out of the tree. Dur-hur!")

(Hurley: The Thing That Only Eats Hippies.)

("If I don't have a home pregnancy test and a Bacon Wave in my hands in less than three seconds, you will rue the day I entered this Walgreens, sir.")

(A ever-confused Jack gets stuck in his t-shirt yet again.)

("Yes, I will fix Ben for you...with my sexiness.")

("God...why did I have to steal such a loser of a kid?")

(I've gotta say, Ben's tube top is not working for him at all.)

("Oh, hey there, Locke...oh, poopie.")

Well, there you have it, another Lost Friday in the books. Start the conversation in the comments section, check out links to every Lost Friday so far this season, and if you're still lonely, you can follow my Twitter feed at the top of the sidebar all weekend. I'm your buddy; I'd never just up and abandon you like that.

Thanks much.

Season 5 - Episode 1/2 Review.
Season 5 - Episode 4 Review.
Season 5 - Episode 5 Review.
Season 5 - Episode 6 Review.
Season 5 - Episode 7 Review.
Season 5 - Episode 9 Review.
Season 5 - Episode 10 Review.

Monday, March 30

Free MySpace Poetry - Volume 2.

Are you a sensitive boy or girl on MySpace? Are you pining for that perfect piece of personal poetry or private prose that will perpetuate your pathetic pomposity? Do you want to appear emotional and deep, but just don't have the effort and creativity?

Look no further!

We here at the CDP have once again composed Free MySpace Poetry just for you! Simply choose the piece that best represents your suffering, lifeless and eternally tortured soul; then copy, paste and watch the friend requests roll in!

Example #1 - Four-Line Sonnet (ABCB)

It hurts so much to love you
Which leads me to inquire

Whenever we’re in bed
Must you always set me on fire?

Example #2 - Haiku (5-7-5)

Heart is on my sleeve
For you to do as you wish

Example #3 - Limerick (AABBA)

I work at a self-service station
And I’ll admit, it’s a weak occupation

But I fill up for free, and the coffee’s on me

During our Grand Opening celebration.

Example #4 - Rubaiyat (AABA)

You took off your clothes in front of me
And I saw everything I had been waiting to see

If I could ask just one question, I would say

Grandma, why are you doing this to me?

Example #5 - Cinquain (ABABB)

When I poked you on Facebook, you were one-of-a-kind
I knew you’d never bother me with meme’s and apps

But now it’s six months later, and there’s something on my mind

Why do you always write me in all caps?


Example #6 - Terza rima (ABA BCB...)

Kiss me before this night is through
And I’ll never forget it as long as I live

It’s New Year’s Eve, and I’m rockin’ with you

Even though you have nothing left to give

Just wrap your arms around me, Dick Clark

Oh, that’s right; forgot about your stroke. You forgive?

Example #7 - Ottava Rima (ABAB AB CC)

Tina Fey, you really have to stop calling me
For the good of my household and marriage
I fully understand your desire to make love to me

In the back of a horse-drawn carriage

But believe me; I’m telling you seriously

My wife will insist and disparage

She has Pampered Chef knives that are sharper than skin

And will see to it that you’re never seen again.

Example #8 - Petrarchan Sonnet (A8BBA8 A8BBA8 C8DE C8DE)

Let’s close down the bar together
We’ll flip the chairs and strike the lights

Drunkenly stumble into the dead of night

And wander around forever.

Rain, snow, whatever the weather

Your breath is warm, your eyes are bright

Your body is keeping me warm tonight

Am I driving you home? Never.

I’m never going to let you go

I know your moves, you’re not so keen

Nobody can conquer you but me.

Let’s drop the quarter; here we go

I’m settling for nothing less than a Kill Screen

Because you’re totally a Ms. Pac-Man machine.

Example #9 - Shakespearean Sonnet (ABAB CDCD EFEF GG)

This long-distance relationship has got to end

So I’m offering an ultimatum to you

Just admit to me that we’re better off friends
Just look me in the eyes and tell me that we’re through.

You knew that this would happen from the very start

Things just got out of hand way too fast

I stole your youth, and you stole my heart

And we need to leave it all in the past.

So kiss me once more, and I’ll walk out that door

Face the music and put my hands over my head

Do exactly as I’m told, and drop to the floor

So the authorities don’t shoot me dead.

Why didn’t you tell me that you were eleven?

Why didn’t you tell me that you were eleven?

Feel free to use as many of these as you want. I'll leave it up to you if you want to credit the CDP or not; I'm just here to help.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.