Tuesday, September 6

CDP Top 30 Of All-Time ('08-'10) - #25.


#25 - '10 Hard-Hitting Questions.'
(Originally published 8/18/08.)

(Thanks, Chuck.)

1. You wear glasses or contact lenses. Suddenly, a miracle pill comes along that will fix your eyes perfectly, without the aid of surgery. For a relatively low price, your eyes will remain 20/20 until the day you die. The only catch is that after you take this pill, you can never again wear glasses, hats, earrings, or any other cranium-based accessory for the rest of your life. Eye makeup is also not allowed.

Do you take the pill?

2. You want to be in a band. One night, the Devil makes you a deal that will instantly rocket you to super-stardom, multi-platinum success, instrumental and songwriting talent, adoring fans and critical acclaim for the duration of your musical career. The downside is that in exchange for this fame, your all-time favorite band will cease to exist. Any memory of their music or historical legacy will disappear forever, and you will never be able to hear any of their songs ever again.

Do you take the deal?

3. You are offered the sum of one billion dollars to never engage in any type of sex again. Breaking of this rule will result in instant death.

Do you take the offer?

4. You've been offered one of two options. One, you are allowed to continue living life as normal with your significant other, with the knowledge that he or she will die in exactly three years. You can never share this information with them, and they will never be aware of this fact. Or two, you can immediately terminate the relationship, and he or she will live a long, healthy live and die comfortably at the age of 90. The only downside is that you can never explain your actions to your significant other, and you will never be able to see them again.

Do you terminate the relationship?

5. You are offered a guest-starring role in the series finale of the ABC TV show Lost, where it is revealed that all of the happenings on the island have been taking place in the head of an autistic boy or girl, played by you. Should you choose to take this role, you will be a part of television history forever, but the backlash will be instantly and universally panned. Should you choose to not take this role, however, the finale will conclude under significantly more plausible circumstances, cementing Lost's place in history as the greatest television drama of all-time.

Do you play the role?

6. You are granted the power of x-ray vision for clothing only; you are now able to see anyone in the nude. However, you are unable to toggle the x-ray vision. For the rest of your life, everyone you look at will appear naked, and you will never be able to see clothing again.

Do you want this power?

7. Through an address mix-up at the CIA, you are mailed an envelope containing the unbelievably true stories behind the moon landing (faked), Kennedy assassination (cover-up), Roswell crash (UFO) and the interpretive ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey (beats me). Once you open this envelope, you will know the truth behind all of these events, but from that point forward, everyone you meet will be convinced that you are insane. No matter what facts you present, arguments you make or books you write, you will be branded a loon and be permanently ostracized from the life that you once knew. You will never be believed by anyone.

Do you open the envelope?

8. While getting the newspaper one morning, a Brinks truck crashes outside of your house, spilling tens of millions of dollars into your driveway. The driver, fearing losing his job for not following standard security protocol and for being drunk, offers you half of the money in exchange for your testimony that says you saw him get robbed at gunpoint by a street gang. In addition to this, the money contained in the truck was originally headed for the American Cancer Society to assist in the invention of an experimental device that may cure cancer (the odds of it working are about 15%). Without this specific cash delivery, the machine will not be able to be invented for another 17 years. The money can not be traced back to you in any way, and your testimony will be perceived as the truth by a judge and jury. If you refuse the money from the driver, he will shoot you in the kneecaps and flee, causing you considerable mobility problems and pain for the rest of your life.

What do you do?

9. Through a post-apocalyptic Death Race competition, you are crowned the champion and rewarded with anything you want for the rest of your life. The only drawback is that every time you blink, you will crap your pants. This is incurable and unavoidable in every way.

Is it worth it?

10. You're in a passionate and long-term relationship with a significant other named Pat. In fact, you love Pat so much that you end up getting the name tattooed across your windpipe, which can never be removed or covered up. Months later, you and Pat are forced to part under frustrating circumstances, and you're left to find someone else to spend your life with. Soon enough, a wonderful person named Chris enters your life, bringing with it just as much love and passion as your previous relationship with Pat. However, you also start a relationship with a new person named Pat. Your relationship with this new Pat isn't on the level as your relationship with Chris, yet it's decent enough to fulfill your needs.

Do you choose Pat over Chris because you already have a 'Pat' tattoo?

Think them through.

1. I can't legitimately answer this one because I don't have to wear glasses or contacts, and therefore have no understanding of what kind of hassle that is.

2. This is actually very easy. If all my memories of my favorite band are gone, then I won't recognize the loss, and I'll be a world famous musician to boot. Deal done, no question.

3. The tricky part here is that there's no way you'll ever be able to enjoy the money before natural urges take over. But the rule doesn't apply to my loved ones, and a billion dollars would take care of generations of them. So I take the offer, immediately transfer the bulk of my estate into a trust for my family, and leave a few million for me to do as much as I can before nature takes it's course.

4. I would have to terminate the relationship. What if I choose for them to live only 3 years, and then *I* died somehow? They'd be screwed.

5. No way do I play the role. Mostly because I hated spoilers, and that would have been THE spoiler of all spoilers.

6. No way do I want that power. Mostly because I usually shop at Wal Mart.

7. Not worth it to know those answers and be ostracized from my life. I do not open.

8. I do not take the money. 1/6 to cure cancer is still not terrible odds.

9. No, crapping my pants many times over each minute of every day is a lifetime covered in my own shit. And since "anything I want" does not include "not being covered in my own shit", I have to pass.

10. I don't know why the "Pat" tattoo can't be covered up or removed, or why I'm starting a relationship with Pat#2 if things with Chris are so good. I kind of sound like an a-hole. But I stick with Chris. I'm assuming the tat was explained, and if they're cool, I'm cool.
That was an extremely logical answer to #3. I commend you.

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