Wednesday, March 30

If You Don't Like It, Why Didn't You Stop Me An Hour Ago?


1. “Hey, What’s Going On?”

Not a whole lot. The budget situation in Madison is still going strong, but it’s happening on more of a legal level than a ‘storm the Capitol and get pneumonia’ level, which is fine with me. Tensions are high, stakes are through the roof, and with a State Supreme Court election taking place on April 5, the pieces are in place for one hell of a turbulent Summer here in Dane County.

On the home front, things are great. The Missus is committed to eating healthier, so she’s been cooking up a storm with vegetables and herbs that I didn’t know existed weeks ago (what the hell is ‘lettuce?’). We also got in on a local cropshare with contractual best friends Ben and Sherry, so we’ll be up to our asses in hippie kale and co-op cauliflower for the next 20 weeks. We’re both losing weight (she’s on a diet and I assume I have undiagnosed diabetes), I’ve been playing the drums again so my arms are sexily toned (not pictured), and Spring will be just what we need to get out and stick to the game plan.

The cats have nothing new to report.

2. “Hey, Your New Book Is Too Expensive. Lower The Price And I’ll Buy It, Okay?”

Sounds good to me. From here on out, copies of Aerating The Mashed Potatoes (a book that received no press, no reviews and no feedback to speak of, yet still managed to move a bungload of copies in the first few months of publication from word of mouth alone) will cost $12.95. Digital copies for your Nook, Kindle or iPad will cost an astonishing $4.95.

Oh, and if you order before Friday, enter the promotional code ‘SPLISH305’ at the checkout to take an ADDITIONAL 20% OFF your purchase price. Are you kidding me? Do this now.

Not too shabby, so pick up a copy and add it to your Summer reading list, please. You’ll LOLZ3RZ, and that’s a promise. Help me raise enough money to buy a new car; my Mercury Sable gets three miles to the gallon, and it’s time to sacrifice mid-class, turn-of-the-century luxury and get something more economical. Like a boat.

I’d love to lower the cost of 65 Poor Life Decisions, but it’s available in stores, and if I undercut Barnes & Noble, I’ve been assured that I will be thrown in jail. Best to leave that one alone.

3. “Hey, What Are You Watching?”

The usual. However, we’re less than a week away from Opening Day for the Milwaukee Brewers, as they begin the season with a ton of expectation on their backs. FSN North carries about 140 Brewers games this year, and I plan on watching every one of them, much to the Missus’ chagrin. Her adoration of Prince Fielder, his afro and his wild mood swings will have to pull her through on the lonelier nights.

The Chicago Code is my favorite new show of the season. If you can start from the beginning on the Internet, I recommend you do so.

The new season of The Ultimate Fighter premieres tonight on Spike TV. If you’re new to Mixed Martial Arts and are looking for a gateway into the sport, watch this show. The coaches this year are wrestling powerhouse and former UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar, and Brazilian destroyer Junior Dos Santos. Should be good, yet the jury’s still out on which one will speak better English.

4. “Hey, What Are You Listening To?”

Every year around this time, the snow begins to melt and I get nostalgic, listening to some of my favorite albums from my teen years. Current bands making the rotation in my car are The Ataris (Anywhere But Here), The Mr. T Experience (Revenge Is Sweet & So Are You), The Hippos (Heads Are Gonna Roll), Less Than Jake (Pezcore), Lifetime (Jersey’s Best Dancers) and Jawbreaker (24 Hour Revenge Therapy).

When you live in Wisconsin, Spring and Summer are not wasted on musical evolution. It’s spent reveling in the things you already hold dear, and I’ve embraced this sentiment long ago. When you only get warm weather for (maybe) six months a year, you treat it like a vacation, even if you’re an adult.

5. “Hey, Are You Working On Anything New?”

Nothing is ever good enough for you anymore, is it? Apart from the occasional post as we coast through the final year of the CDP, I’ve been scantly (and I mean scantly) outlining a big story I want to tell for my next book. All I can tell you is that A) It’s one narrative (no individual essays), B) It’s ambitious to the point of being bloated and convoluted as all get out, and C) It won’t be done for thirty more years.

The way I see it, I’ve independently published my first two books (like I wanted to), and the CDP will cease to be come February 2012 (as it should), so it’s time to move on and start a new chapter of whatever the hell it is that I’m doing with my writing career. Writing toaster directions on Pop Tarts boxes seems like a lengthy step up, quite frankly.

Sound off in the comments section, let me know what you’re up to and enjoy your day.