Monday, March 14

Fuller House Monday - 'The Not-So Great Escape/Mad Max.'

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(Season 1, Episodes 4/5: 'The Not-So Great Escape/Mad Max.')

Fuller House Monday is upon us. We have much to discuss. Surprise!

Four days early, and we're already jumping into the next two episodes of Fuller House. I just couldn't contain my excitement until the end of the week. My volcano erupteth!

Thanks for reading, and for making last week's Fuller House Friday just as popular as the debut. Each episode takes me about two hours to watch, I haven't eaten a solid meal in nearly a month and I'm fairly confident that my wife is filing for divorce, but this masterpiece of American Pop Culture is worth my best efforts.

With that all being said, are you ready for the Episode 4/5 review?

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Season 1, Episode 4: ‘The Not-So-Great Escape.’

Steph is feeding baby Tommy, who is of course, played by twins. Steph thinks Tommy is part of a conspiracy to drive her insane (paranoia is common among meth users).

Kimmy calls Steph her 'sister-wife,' says it's her destiny to spend her life with her, and then kisses her. Huh. Kimmy's relationship with Steph reminds me of the way Ms. Carruthers (RIP) was to Joey.

After a few weeks of me being sour about the whole thing, Kimmy finally shows a slight amount of guilt in making Ramona change schools, and keeps giving her money as a way to apologize in lieu know...emotion and talking. When Ramona is a stripper in five years, dating some dude who's 30 years older than her and runs a combination vape/bluetooth headset shop, we should be able to pinpoint to this moment as the formative act in her development.

Jackson comes into the kitchen and tells everyone that he was up all night 'erupting his volcano,' and Steph thinks it was a euphemism instead of his science project. Again, one of many reasons why she didn't agree to share a room with him.

Kimmy tells us that she did not 'leave' Ramona in the ball pit at a McDonald's once, she 'forgot' her. Oof. Ramona’s not making friends at her new school, and Steph agrees to watch Tommy while DJ and Kimmy are busy today. In walks complete psychopath Max, who is wearing a three-piece suit in anticipation of getting a new puppy. Is that a Windsor knot? Goddamn, I don’t even know how to do that! Pure, unfiltered lunatic right there.

At school, Jackson agrees to help Ramona sneak back to her old school, as she’s struggling to make friends and wants to see her old ones. Jackson does a Zack morris-esque locker-close elbow-bump, which injures him in a humorous updated reference. Have you ever done that? It hurts and does not work.

Max slathers bologna across his face in preparation for meeting his new puppy. The bologna was in his pocket. “I love that new puppy smell!” He yells.

He’s frickin' insane, dude. He's gonna set the house on fire in the finale, isn't he?

For the first time, we see the veterinary office where DJ works, and we begin a new plot point in the form of her new co-worker, Matt. Matt's father runs the office and has early onset Alzheimer's, which is portrayed as adorable.

Steph is babysitting Tommy, and she takes him to the coffee shop, where she pretends to be a single mom to hit on Darren, a dude in line behind her. I'm pretty sure that both Joey and Jesse used Michelle for this same purpose at some point. Darren doesn't think there's anything sexier than a single mom, leaning in and trying to make it on her own. Darren has clearly been alone and afraid for quite some time. Even after 7 credit cards, Steph cannot afford her coffee, and agrees to help DJ run reception at the vet office in exchange for some extra cash.

Back at school, Jackson is hatching an escape plan for Ramona, but his volcano erupts and the sprinklers go off. Ramona literally gets a leg out the window before being busted by the (extremely tight and efficient) school security. Just phone in a bomb threat, you amateurs.

At the vet office, Max STILL hasn’t chosen a puppy from the pile presented to him. He lays out the ground rules, and reminds the prospective puppies that they are not allowed to watch Game of Thrones. He’s more of a Dexter guy anyway.

Steph is going to wow, bow-wow and me-wow the staff and customers at the vet clinic. Kimmy and DJ get calls to come to the school. Steph, with literally no reception or vet care experience whatsoever, is left in charge of the office. Darren shows up with the coffee shop stuff that Steph couldn’t afford, and she gives him heartworm medication in return. Hey, that's the gift that keeps on giving.

Darren is a brazen dude; in the first three sentences he’s said to Steph, he’s saying things I wouldn’t have the confidence (or lack of tact, perhaps) to say to someone months into a relationship. Darren thinks that single moms with multiple kids are even sexier than single moms with one kid, and Steph again lies about everything for the opportunity to sleep with a mildly attractive man who is also lying.

Hey, there’s a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel in the background! She looks like my Dottie!

Max is still trying to pick a dog. He says "best licker wins," and Jesus Christ, I don't know what to say about this kid anymore. Speaking of psychopaths, some idiot just wanders into the vet clinic and lets a skunk run free. I don’t care where you are, that’s an illegal act, homie. It scares all the business away for some reason. I guess the animals weren’t as sick as they thought they were.

DJ returns to the vet clinic to find Steph, Tommy, Max and the puppies all soaking in tomato juice following the skunk attack. Literally vats and kiddie pools full of the shit. Hundreds of dollars worth of juice. Since Steph was broke, I’m assuming DJ’s clinic footed the bill for all of that stuff. I also assume then, that Steph will not be getting paid for her services today.

Steph is naked in there; Max saw Steph naked. DJ puts it all on Facebook.

Back at the house, it looks like Ramona is making a new friend from her new school. This friend invites Ramona to sit with her at lunch. "We sit right next to the Future Millionaires of Silicon Valley," she says. "We used to call them geeks, but that was before the self-esteem assembly." That was a funny line.

Ramona is being accepted into the cool group because she rebelled and tried to sneak out of school. DJ calls out Kimmy for her ‘bad parenting’ when she proposes a spa day instead of punishing Ramona. Is DJ overstepping her bounds, here? I don’t know, horse apiece. Anyway, for the first time since I started bitching about it, Kimmy shows remorse for uprooting Ramona from her old life, which is why she feels Ramona doesn’t deserve punishment. DJ gives Kimmy parenting advice, and Ramona doesn’t resent it too much. In fact, she explains that Jackson was merely helping her escape class:

"Jackson only set off the alarm to help me escape.
Is that true, Jackson? 
Yeah. I felt bad for Ramona, so I came to her rescue. Setting off a dangerous explosion without any regard for my own safety. Or anyone else's. Like a true American hero."

lolololol. Everyone hugs it out.

Max finally picks out a goddamn dog, Cosmo. Steph and Darren are going out on a date and she is spinning a web of deceit that everyone seems to just go along with. So remember kids, once you reach a certain age, you can no longer be punished by anyone for lying. The End.

Season 1, Episode 5: ‘Mad Max.’

Steph is helping Max practice trombone for his school recital. He’s no Xavier Woods. Steph gives him her ‘magic’ paisley scarf for courage, which of course, Max loves. In the original series, Steph was told that her courage came from her uvula. Not kidding.

DJ is taking care of Cosmo, and Kimmy is signing her up for a dating website (Gluten-Free Soccer, where she’s already received a fair amount of pokes, winks and prison love letters. Kimmy's being a bro.

Steph’s British friend Shannon arrives to ‘rescue’ her from the drudgery of domesticity. Shit, I’d give anything to be a stay-at-home dad right about now, provided I don’t have to watch any kids. Maybe a stay-at-home pet dad. Anyway, Shannon invites Steph to Coachella on a private jet (it belongs to a guy that invented an emoji), and she’s back off the wagon, bay-bay!

Max finds out that Steph left with his Magic Courage Scarf, and freaks out prior to his recital. Jackson tries to cool him out and tells him to just imagine the audience in their underwear when he performs.

Like Jackson, I, too imagine my readers in their underwear when they’re reading my essays.

Especially you.

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Ramona’s video chatting from the bathroom. This is what happens when you leave a teenage girl unsupervised for any longer than three seconds. Tommy experiences ‘technical difficulties in his pants.’ Been there, kid. Did Ramona just try to flush a diaper down the toilet?

It looks as if Kimmy is just bringing randos into the house if they seem even vaguely worthy enough to date DJ. This first guy wears a white t-shirt to a pre-date screening and is clearly a liar about everything. It sure must be nice to be a good-looking dude; I would have been maced before I stepped off the trolley.

DJ walks in and mistakes him for the plumber (Ramona DID flush a diaper down the toilet), and wacka-chicka-wacka-chicka…sexy hilarity ensues. He can be in-and-out in 15 minutes if need be. Eventually the actual plumber shows up, is about 250 pounds and is big on Plumbers We'll talk more about this entire scene later, I promise. We have to.

Kimmy was, and still is, hypnotized to act like a chicken every time someone says 'houseboat.' What the shit. Simpsons already did it.

At Coachella, Steph is helping herself to an armload of complimentary crab legs in the VIP Lounge. DJ Unbreakable breaks his arm, so Steph gets to play a set on the main stage at the drop of a hat, because that’s how things work at unbelievably massive music festivals.

Her set is going…well? DJ calls her up. Because she’s an EDM artist who plays a laptop for college kids on MDMA, she’s able to take the call mid-set without issue and FaceTime with Max and DJ. I know this wasn't supposed to be a commentary on the talent of these artists and the intelligence of their audience, but I'm taking that shit to heart.

In order to prove to Max that he doesn’t need the scarf to play the trombone (first time I've ever written that sentence), she halts her set and has him play over the Coachella PA system. Naturally, he sucks, but not nearly as badly as Skrillex. The looming visage of whacked-out lunatic Max and his Bowtie of Death overlooks the sea of rabid, chanting fans like the fascist dude in that Apple ‘1984’ commercial. I sure hope Steph got paid for that set. She needs money and I'm concerned for her well-being. Even if she was paid in crab legs; that's fine, too.

Back at the house, Ramona is exhausted after watching Tommy. Kimmy and Hank the Plumber hit it off. Hey, where did Porno T-Shirt Guy go? Did he just wander out after the misunderstanding? Maybe they'll find his skeleton in the basement in a few weeks.
Steph returns from the road because she thinks she has outgrown the party scene. But…isn’t that your job as a musician? Aren't you basically retiring, then? Anyway, Steph breaks down and admits to DJ that she can’t have children. These women, and I’m referring to Candace Cameron-Bure, Jodie Sweetin and Andrea Barber, can draw real tears at the DROP OF A HAT. That’s what a childhood of constant acting will do for someone. They legit care about each other, and you can tell. Christ, they sure are bawling.

Everyone hugs it out. Kimmy turns into a chicken again. The End.

Still with me? Then let's break these episodes down further, with Cut It Out!

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- In Season 2, Episode 3 of Full House ('It's Not My Job'), Joey gives Steph a pep talk about courage because she's afraid to go to the dentist. He tells her that we all have a 'courage hangy ball' (the uvula) inside of us that helps with these sorts of circumstances. I'd like to think that the pep talk she gave Max prior to his trombone recital was due to this solid advice she got when she was a frightened child.

- "Um, this is a cult, isn't it? If they're holding you here against your will, blink three times."

"It's not a cult. It's a family. You know, where you wind up five times a day in a group hug. Oh my God, I'm in a cult."

On the cult front, the Tanners cannot hold a candle to whatever is going on in the Cameron household. 

- This was the first set of episodes to not feature any of the ‘extended family’ cast that represented the original series. This was an opportunity for the 'real' cast to do their thing and make the show their own without too much of the old school nostalgia.

Hey, Emoji Guy loved our barnyard samples! Let's get dirty, with How Rude!

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- Kimmy: "I'm triple-parked, and I got a tub of mayonnaise, three-dozen oysters and a robot costume in the back seat."

"Is that for the birthday party you're planning?" 


Just another peek into what 'Gibbler-Style' entails.

- On DJ's dating profile, Kimmy photoshopped Channing Tatum's ass onto DJ's chest. "That's why they look so squeezable."

- Jackson, who may or may not have been up all night 'erupting his volcano,' shares a room with psychopath Max. Please don't subject Max to that, Jackson. If anything, Full House/Fuller House should remind all of us how important it is to have a little sanctuary in our lives. Quiet place to poop, and soforth.

- DJ: "I don’t need conversation, I just need a man to work on my pipes.” 



Just saying. That might actually have been dirtier than they intended. This whole exchange was pretty great.

Time for some mental eye bleach. Let's get cheesy, with Have Mercy!

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- DJ's 'woo-woo'-ing over Steph going to Coachella was embarrassing-for-the-sake-of-being-embarrassing. Although I like DJ's portrayal of an uncool, out-of-the-loop mother. I don't know, it just works really well for her, and she plays it near-perfectly for comedy. I don't think it's too far off from who she really is.

- This week in 'Max Makes Me Lose Sleep At Night:'

- "Status Update: I'm doomed!"
- "Don't take it easy; take it CRAZY!"
- "I love that new puppy smell! Best licker wins!"

- Kimmy is hypnotized to act like a chicken when someone says 'houseboat.' She should have done the Arrested Development, 'I've Never Actually Seen A Chicken' chicken impression.

- That Coachella thing with Max…did that really happen? I’ve been taking Ambien recently for insomnia, so I've been doubting a lot of things in my mind recently. In fact...this show exists, right? You're watching it too? I don't want this to be a Candle Cove situation.

Thanks for checking out this week's Fuller House Monday. Links to previous reviews are below. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your week.

Episode 1 Review.
Episode 2/3 Review.


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