Friday, April 1

Fuller House Friday - 'Save The Dates/Love Is In The Air.'

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(Season 1, Episodes 12/13: 'Save The Dates/Love Is In The Air.')

The Final Fuller House Friday is upon us. We have much to discuss. Be honest, you're going to miss this, aren't you?

I took an Ambien prior to watching the final two episodes of Fuller House, and just before the entire cast melted through the studio floor and out the bottom of my iPad, I remember thinking to myself, "How can things possibly get weirder?"

Kimmy and Steph making out. Steph challenging DJ to a game of Twister. DJ joking about how 'You Oughta Know' is about Dave Coulier. The girls drunk dialing the Olsen Twins and making fun of their catchphrases. Surely I dreamed all of this, right? Fuller House cannot possibly be this self-aware. This self-referential.


Despite a 12th episode that I thought was essentially filler, Fuller House closed on their highest note since the Premiere. I liked it. Frankly, I overall liked the entire season, and I'm excited for Season 2. I had a good time reviewing it, and I had a good time watching it. Not just for all the times it was warm and nostalgic and fondly embracing the past. But for all the times they caught me off guard and legitimately made me laugh with weird, original stuff. They showed not just that they were in on the joke, but took advantage of us underestimating what they were capable of pulling off.

I, however, will not be returning to review Season 2. The CDP Board Of Directors has informed me that, due to overwhelming public outcry, I must immediately cease and desist. I guess the FaceSwap photos really creeped a lot of people out. It was a good run.

So, for the last time, are you ready for the Episode 12 and 13 synopsis?

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Season 1, Episode 12: 'Save The Dates.'

- Steph writes a new song and wants to see if it 'appeals to the youth demographic,' so she plays it for Tommy. This was when I realized that, unlike Michelle, Tommy couldn't really be used for anything other than sitting there due to how young he was. With Michelle, she eventually turned into a catchphrase-spouting ratings bonanza, but Tommy was basically just a baby lump that appeared from time to time for reaction shots.

- Who plays Jumbo-Sized Jenga on a glass coffee table? Jackson and Max.

- Steve's taking DJ out for a 90's-themed date. This whole thing teetered on the edge of me feeling bad for Steve, but DJ dug it so much that we, the audience, sorta did too.

- Steve was Bay Area Podiatrist of the Year in 2012. Little feather in his cap, there.

- Fernando can speak perfect English. I have no idea why this surprised me, but it did.

- DJ: "Steve took me to the school gym to re-carve our initials in the bleachers. But apparently, security frowns on a grown man in a wig wandering the halls with a pocket knife."

- Steve fills DJ's glass to the tippy-top with wine. His behavior, with the right musical backdrop, goes from cute to full-on sexual predator in seconds.

- Steve rented Ghost in 1991 and never returned it. If Blockbuster Video hadn't gone out of business, he would owe them $200,000.

- Tell me, tell me, that the scene with DJ and Steve massaging ground hamburger together while recreating the Ghost pottery scene wasn't funny. I dare you.

- Steph and Kimmy kiss. Kiss kiss. Fernando divorces Kimmy so he can marry her again.

- Max plays Jenga with the baby, lets him win, and confesses that he will be in therapy for the rest of his life. Probably court-mandated therapy, if my theory about him is correct.

Season 1, Episode 13: 'Love Is In The Air.'

- DJ and Matt re-open the Vet Clinic together. Steve is jealous. DJ still hasn't decided who she will give the final rose to.

- Matt was an underwear model in Miami. It got him through Vet School.

- Jesse and Becky are renewing their vows in the backyard, and Kimmy/Fernando decide to piggyback onto their ceremony with their own. Uncle Jesse is everyone's uncle.

- Jesse feeds a whole cheeseburger to an infant.

- Jackson: "Uncle Jesse, got a minute? Do you know Ramona's friend, Lola?" 
Jesse: "No, I don't."

- Ramona: "I'm psyched for my family getting back together, but I'm actually going to miss you guys. Except you. I don't really know you at all."
Jesse: "Well, I'm Uncle Jesse. I'm everyone's uncle."

- DJ still can't choose between Steve or Matt, so she's inviting neither to the wedding as her date. Kimmy and Steph make the respective calls for her, because it's a Sitcom.

- Matt and Steve are handling DJ's indecisiveness the same way any guys would: by being super nice and bro-y to each other. Matt gives Steve a Rolaid for his Acid Reflux.

- Becky and Jesse renew their vows. Kimmy has cold feet and bails a couple times, but eventually agrees to just stay engaged to Fernando and see where the relationship goes. So, I guess they're staying in the house?

- Matt gets a smooch from Lola, because she likes how messed up his family is. That's how I got my wife, too!

- The Bachelorette-style finale with DJ/Steve/Matt was really funny. "I've known it since high school and I'm even more sure of it now...we're soul mates. I couldn't even imagine my life without you...That's all I have prepared."

- DJ picks neither, and the guys go out for a beer and pizza. Steph says it was the worst episode of The Bachelorette she's ever seen.

The End. Season over.

Let's skip right to the good stuff, with How Rude!

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- Gibbler Style is offering half off if you book your Baby Shower within six months of your Bridal Shower. It's their "Don't Do the Math" Special.

- Steve: "I'm sorry. This was way sexier last night when I was practicing it with my dog." Comet Junior Junior! Noooo!

- In exchange for being cool about Kimmy/Fernando piggybacking onto their ceremony, Becky promises to give Jesse the 'Becky Special.' We don't hear what this is, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it was probably butt-related.

- Becky rainchecks Jesse on the 'Becky Special.' Jesse says he'll have to give it to himself. Still going with the butt thing.

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So, just one last thing before we sign off. I can't really prove it, and I don't have all the facts to back it up, but I'm proposing the theory that Steve murdered DJ's husband. Just wanted you to chew on that while waiting for Season 2 to start.

Thanks for reading. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your weekend. Links to every episode review are below.

Episode 1 Review.
Episode 2/3 Review.
Episode 4/5 Review. 
Episode 6/7 Review. 
Episode 8/9 Review.
Episode 10/11 Review. 

Monday, March 28

Fuller House Monday - 'A Giant Leap/Partnerships In The Night.'

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(Season 1, Episodes 10/11: 'A Giant Leap/Partnerships In The Night.')

Another Fuller House Monday is upon us. We have much to discuss; we're going old school for this one.

Here's a little peek behind the curtain when it comes to Fuller House Monday/Friday. First off, it should be said that I did not watch the entire season at once. I only watch 2-4 episodes a week as I review them for the CDP. For that reason, I might actually be the last person on Earth to finish the first season with the goal to do so in mind. When I speculate about plot points happening in the future, I'm not playing dumb. You know more than me; I just write the reviews as I watch the episodes.

So why, you may ask, am I not finished with the season yet? Because it takes me about two hours to get through each episode of Fuller House. I watch the episode and take notes, which takes about an hour with all the pausing and rewinding. Then I actually go to a page where I can read the episode scripts to make sure I have the quotes right and I didn't miss anything. Just like The Walking Dead Friday and Lost Friday before it, Fuller House Friday contains a lot more work than can be reasonably expected from any well-adjusted person. I only do 2-4 episodes a week so I don't throw my TV in the dumpster and start my block on fire.

This is how I roll, kids. If you're going to do it, do it the best you can, even if the whole thing was silly to begin with. I care so you don't have to.

Ready to go? Then let's get into the THICK AND MEATY!

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Season 1, Episode 10: 'A Giant Leap.'

Tommy’s a fat baby…er, babies.

Cosmo’s getting bigger, and Max is teaching him (and Tommy) how to do tricks. You know, the very same way a psychopath would attempt to manipulate a helpless human in order to maintain a tight, emotional grip on them. He was feeding the baby Pup-Peroni! Is anyone monitoring this kid?

The doorbell rings, and the entire house flips its shit. Steph’s new boyfriend is coming over, and it’s Hunter Pence of the San Francisco Giants! Hunter wears his Giants gear on dates, I guess, but if my employer gave me $90 million, I'd wear whatever they wanted. Deep sea-diving bell on my wedding day? Sure thing, Mr. San Francisco Giants! When would you like your breakfast?
Hunter says that he puts his uniform on two legs at a time, and he does it at his house instead of the locker room. I'd probably do that, too. Kimmy calls him ‘Underpants.’ Hunter also eats pizza with a fork, and keeps a lucky golden fork around his neck at all times. Look, I don’t have a problem with people who eat pizza with a fork, but wearing a golden one around your neck is just begging for a jugular vein injury.

They acknowledge he has crazy eyes.

Pence invites the entire family to the game, and we find out that Steph will be singing ‘Take Me Out To The Ball Game’ during the 7th inning stretch. Pence has been in a hitting slump since he started dating Steph, and the Internet has branded her a jinx. I don't believe in superstition, but if there's ONE sport out there where I sometimes feel that the Wrinkled Hand of Fate actually determines the outcome, it's totally Baseball. I understand this delusion wholeheartedly.

Matt pops in to grab his ticket and insults Pence on his way out the door.

He and DJ have resumed the smooching, in case you were wondering. Seems like the kids approve of him, but Kimmy wants DJ to mention it to Steve. Oh God. She’s justifiably terrified, and so am I. Come on, Killing Spree Finale!

Jackson's crush Lola is coming to the game, too. Hunter must have given them a buttload of tickets. The Giants did have a rough season last year, but who is a Red Sox/Brewers fan to throw stones? Jackson is attempting to impress Lola again, and Ramona agrees to function as his wingwoman. That's some good friending, right there. Sitcom Logic says Jackson and Ramona fall for each other.

DJ and Steve are walking their dogs together. Steve wants to move in...for the dog’s sake. Steve keeps mentioning how great it is that they’re back in each other’s lives after so long, and man, he’s pushing hard to rekindle a relationship with her. DJ isn’t helping things, because she clearly still has feelings for him, too. 

I gotta say though, that Steve’s line about getting back into people’s lives sort of sounded like a man whose 25-year master plan is finally coming to fruition. Steve wants to know if they still have the ‘same chemistry,’ and he plants her with a smooch outta nowhere. That’s assault, brother! But DJ is totally down with it. Just straight-up rolls with it and basically agrees with him that there might be something there. I'm going to try that the next time I want to do a Chemistry Check on an old friend, but I'm gonna save up some bail money first.

He says that the kiss was nice, and he was fun back in the day, but he’s a lot more fun now and ‘can do a lot better.’ Steve just said what a lot of us guys wish they could say to their old high school girlfriend. "I’ve gotten better at everything, I promise!"

They kiss again, and Kimmy and Steph see the whole thing. Steph says the 2nd kiss was ‘full-frontal frenching.’

Uh...that actually sounds a lot like something else. Like, say, Hunter Pence hitting a Triple.

DJ liked the kiss, and admits to liking Steve. She rather flippantly decides to let Matt down instead, as he plans on moving back to Miami in a couple of weeks. That seemed like too easy of a decision.

We’re LIVE at the ballgame! Matt is a bro to Jackson and offers to buy snacks. More specifically, he just gives him his card and tells him to buy whatever he wants. And hey, Lola goes to the concession stand with him! I’m rooting for this kid.

Lola - "Oh, get me a hot dog. Mustard on the left, ketchup on the right, relish down the middle. The mustard and ketchup can't touch. And my drink should be half-root beer and half-diet soda with a splash of lemonade. I call it a Lola-Cola."

I get Lola. 

Hunter’s up to bat, and gives Steph their little signal, which causes the fans around her to recognize that she’s the ‘blonde jinx’ causing his hitting slump. Pence strikes out. At the Pro Shop, Jackson decides to go on a shopping spree with Matt’s card in order to impress Lola. She has good taste; that Tim Lincecum autographed jersey is pretty dope. Jackson gets a hug out of the deal at the low cost of $247.

How does Lincecum pitch without his arm snapping off and pinwheeling into the crowd? He's not normal.

Back in the seats, Matt wants to talk to DJ about the relationship. Matt has decided to not go to Miami. DJ’s a flustered floozy. Pence is back up, and Max is begging for a foul ball. A foul comes his way, but it’s caught but a chubbo loudmouth. That’s how she goes, kid. Pence strikes out again. Fat Guy sits on his nachos.

From the upper deck, Jackson shares a quiet moment with Lola, but she won’t take a selfie with him. That’ll cost more than $247, I guess.

Steph comes out to sing for the 7th inning stretch, and gets heckled by the chubbo. Hunter Pence poked himself with his golden pizza fork! I KNEW it! Amidst a sea of boos, Steph works her way through ‘Take Me Out To The Ball Game,’ has a meltdown halfway through and breaks up with Hunter Pence on the mic in order to break the jinx. Pence doesn’t give a shit. He looks like he's seen worse.

Hey, it’s the Kiss Cam! After some repeated pressure by the camera guy, Matt and DJ smooch, and that’s when we find out that Steve went to the game. What? I have about a dozen questions about that (most notably, DJ and Steve didn’t tell each other they were going to the game?), but no time, because Steve makes a mad dash to DJ and GETS INTO A FIGHT WITH GIANTS MASCOT LOU SEAL.

Dude, there is nothing, and I mean nothing, that I like more than when mascots get into fights. This clip of Tommy LaSorda beating the shit out of the Phillie Phanatic has gotten me through more rough days than I care to discuss. Baseball Chaos is my favorite thing in the entire world. I'm so happy that baseball will be back into my life next week.

Steve, Steph, Kimmy and Ramona are all thrown out. On the bright side, Pence breaks his slump and hits a Grand Slam directly into Max’s glove. Precisely the sort of sign a psychopath would take as a direct message from God of superiority and righteousness. On this rock, Max shall build his church.

Steve shows up to the house, and he’s got murder on the brain. Matt also shows up, and oh man, someone’s gonna die. Look at all that sweet Giants apparel. DJ tries to sort everything out, which triggers a flashback from Matt to their first kiss. Then we get some fourth wall-breaking, as the trio ACTUALLY SEE AND COMMENT ON THE FLASHBACK. Then Steve gets a turn, as everyone (including Steph and Kimmy) gets to check out his smooch with DJ from 20 years ago. It’s straight-up absurdity. We've all been eating Steph's brownies.

Both guys (justifiably) would like an answer from DJ, DJ clams up and they both bounce. Nah, they were both just bluffing, although I think Steve was planning on murdering Matt in a parking garage later in the evening.

They both ask DJ out for later in the week, DJ accepts both invitations. Things are gettin' porny. Then Matt and Steve accidentally kiss each other, and holy shit this entire thing has gone completely off the rails. I gotta go talk to an adult.

The End.

Season 1, Episode 11: 'Partnerships In The Night.'

Most people would kill for Ramona’s eyebrows. They're really great.

Baby Tommy is just crawling free by the oak staircase, and Max has to poop something fierce. He implies that he will be wiping his ass with the baby.

I'm not kidding; watch it. Those who did watch it, please back me up.

Steph shame-Uber's her way into the house after a night of getting over Hunter Pence. She tells DJ that she’s become a little famous. She wasn’t famous before? Did she not headline Coachella? Also, I did not know that they still make Mylanta. Anyway, a lot of suitors are banging on Steph’s door since her meltdown at the baseball game. I wonder if the same thing happened to this woman.

Steph inquires about DJ’s threesome situation. DJ cannot decide, and for the life of me I cannot understand why either of these dudes would put up with getting jerked around like this. I mean, let’s be honest here; she’s a widowed mother of three who lives with six other people. I’d be gone in a heartbeat, but I’m also kind of a dick.

Kimmy – “Of course there will be booze; it’s a children’s party!

DJ’s boss (and Matt’s dad) is retiring, and DJ thinks that this means she will inherit the Vet Clinic after seven years of loyal service. Steph is looking forward to watching The View.

Steph – “That Raven Simone is never wrong.
DJ – “Oh, what does she know? She’s a child actress.”

Kimmy offers to hire Steph to help with her party planning business. Ms. Gibbler needs the help and Steph is broke, so it all works out.

Ramona and Jackson steal DJ’s laptop. Why does her personal laptop have a Parental Lock on it? Anyway, they take the laptop so they can watch R-rated movies. That’s a 90’s scheme if I’ve ever heard one. I like the idea that they are doing this together. Don’t know why.

Well, they screwed up with the link, because instead of all the Brief Nudity and Adult Situations they could ask for, they download a virus. They estimate it’ll cost about $100 to repair, of which they only have $50. Psychopath Max listens to the entire conversation and immediately uses his position of power for evil.

At the vet clinic, DJ is taking care of a golden retriever. I’d like to think that every retriever in the city is a descendant of Comet. Matt’s trying hard to win her over, and we find out from his retiring father that he’s leaving the business to Matt. I mean, that sorta makes sense, right?

Nobody calls J-Money ‘J-Money.’

Max loans $50 to Jackson and Ramona, but…you know how this goes. They basically have to be his slave until it’s paid off. He starts off by making them rub his feet while singing. Just a sick, sick individual. No reasoning with this guy; shoot to kill.

Steph rents a cow for the Indian-themed retirement party, and it makes its way into the house. That’s a well-trained cow. Physical comedy ensues.

At the party, DJ announces that she’s going to open her own clinic as a response to getting overlooked by Dr. Harmon. That cow looks so cute with its little wreath on! Steph dances, and it turns into a whole choreographed Bollywood number. Don’t question it; last episode they were able to see each other’s flashbacks.

Max has an existential moment and tells Ramona and Jackson that he will no longer require their harem services. They’d better just watch porn on their own laptops next time.

Matt offers half the business to DJ if she chooses to stay. Man, that must have been one hell of a kiss. She agrees to it, but I'm sure a conversation with Steve is soon to follow.

The End.

This was a weird batch of episodes. So, for your sake and mine, let's BREAK IT DOWN!

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4 - Not like Fake Coachella or Fake Dance Club, the Fuller House crew actually went and filmed on location at the Giants ballpark. Also, the Milwaukee Brewers' season opener is against none other than the Giants at Miller Park. So pumped.

8 - No way in hell did Target have that much India-themed stuff on a moment's notice, even if they did pay for the plug. You'd think someone who ran a party planning business would have more of a contingency plan than just running to a store and buying the place out.

15 - DJ takes the mic at Dr. Harmon's retirement party to say that she's essentially starting a competing business. Not really the time to make such statements, Deej.

16 - Max says that he's been hoarding money by fishing it out of wishing fountains, but everything in that giant plastic bag was paper money. Maybe he has a separate bag for his change.

23 - I grew up on a dairy farm. If that cow would have kicked anyone anywhere near the head, they would be dead.

42 - Things aren't looking good for Steve at the moment. He's a successful podiatrist and all, but it looks like DJ and Matt will be co-owners of the Vet Clinic, despite the fact that they've only kissed a couple of times and aren't even officially dating. DJ sure knows how to fall into it; first she's bequeathed what I can only assume is a $5 million dollar home, and now a Chinatown veterinary clinic. Yeah, her husband exploded in a fire, but she seems pretty well over it at this point.

Before we go, here's a sneak preview of Fuller House Friday, which will feature the final two episodes of the season!

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It's just a hunch at this point, but I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be right about this.

Okay, we're done here. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your week. Links to previous reviews are below; don't forget to come back Friday for the big finale.

Episode 1 Review.
Episode 2/3 Review.
Episode 4/5 Review. 
Episode 6/7 Review. 
Episode 8/9 Review.